JessicaNAJ

My husband is an alcoholic. I'm posting here b/c I wanted feedback from someone who maybe in his shoes or has been in his shoes.

To make a long story short, he lost his mom when he was 8, lost his brother when he was 15 and I met him at 16. He was very depressed and in a dark place. I did whatever I could to show him it's okay to be happy. We've been married 15 years but seperated for one year.

He's used to say to me that he had a hard time opening up his heart because he didn't want to feel that loss. When we were younger and even as recent as 3 years ago. I vowed to him that he would never loose me. I would always be there for him. Even with everything we have been through, I'm not a quiter. I didn't want to loose my family. I told him I needed him to get help so we can be happier.

I'm not trying to justify my actions, but I was also on prozac for 8 years which made it easier to deal with his drinking and alcoholic behavior. When I got off my medication, I started seeing things more clearly. I started seeing his lies and his hate toward me. It really hurt. I decided, after counseling and al-anon, if I was going to be healthy and happy, he needed to move out.

So, I had a talk with him. I never hid my feelings from him; however, I never felt as though they matter anyway. I told him what I was experiencing, and told him that he needs to work on him, I need to work on me and then we can work on us.

I guess what I'm asking here is - am I responsible for the pain he is feeling right now? He is still not attending AA or going to any counseling. Am I wrong to think he is feeling "abandoned". Am I wrong to even care?

Live

He knows exactly where to go for support, friendship, care and recovery...the world is full of rooms of them. He chooses not to.
His responsibility, not yours.
He abandoned himself.
There are resources aplenty.

laurie6781

(((((Jessica)))))

As a sober recovering alkie with many ODAATs let me say that what he is doing is "keeping" all the crud. That way he has excuses and people and places to blame.

You have stated he goes to no meetings, apparently is not working a program of any kind to change himself.

Please, please, do not beat yourself up IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. I am totally amazed to this day, how we alkies take hostages and get the hostages to love us and then we can turn on them at a moments notice, for NO REASON.

Unfortunately, there really is nothing you can do for this man, HE MUST DO IT FOR HIMSELF. Set your boundries for you, ie not allowed in house when drinking, don't cook for him when he's drinking, do his laundry, make his excuses to his boss (if he still has one), etc etc etc.

Only you know if you need to end the relationship. Do what you need to do for you sweetie.

He will either "get it" eventually or he won't.

I have read your posts in the past, you are a strong person.

Please BE GOOD TO YOU, you certainly have earned it!!!!!!

Love and (((((to all))))),

Dan

Hi Jessica.

It's such a true statement when it is said that our past shapes our present, in some ways. And for those of us with an addiction, it's also true.
But one phrase in your post about your husband stood out for me...

He's used to say to me that he had a hard time opening up his heart because he didn't want to feel that loss.

That may be a natural instinct to do that. But I've learned, since starting recovery early last year, that the last thing I can afford to do is stuff any feelings and emotions, no matter how painful they might be. Things going back to my childhood, or the impending separation with my wife. Doesn't matter.
The sooner owned and processed, these painful things become just that much easier to live with. Otherwise, they remain free standing obstacles to serenity, perhaps the one thing your husband needs the most.

The only thing you are responsible for is your own serenity and happiness. His pain, sadness, discontent, that's all his.
I wish you both well.

JessicaNAJ

Thank you for your input. It really helped me to put things into perspective.

I'm going to print this out for a reminder the next time I start giving in to his guilt.

Thanks again!