cross-talk or communication?
Caring for the 3 little bears
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Oz
Posts: 509
cross-talk or communication?
I am probably too new at this to even express my opinion, but, that's the kinda girl I am. So, let's see where this one takes us.
First of all, maybe we can change the phrase "cross-talk" to "communication with others in a similar situation." or CWOIASS (ha ha ha, don't go there people! I see those last few letters.)
My feeling about the "cross-talk" is when we post something where we are not looking for advice, advice isn't given. But the majority of posts, people are seeking help. They are specifically asking for advice. And I know from my short experience here that the people on this sight have YEARS of experience in an area where many people are seeking help. I find it extremely helpful and comforting to get advice from those who have been through it, and have "lived" it. And from those who are just now going through a change of some sort as they "are in it" so they can express their feelings about it as it is happening.
I feel the people on this sight are intelligent, WISE, caring people and can figure out when advice is warranted and when it is not. And also, when it is appropriate and when it isn't. I think most of us would never give advice on whether to have your A checked into an insane asylum, (unless of course, you knew my A!) but, i might tell you what my A's symptoms were when he was abusing oxycontin.
The other great thing, is the variety of responses that are received. Everyone has such a great way of "putting" it out there. It's like getting "2nd opinions" from ten different people. It helps put things into perspective. It is THOUGHT-PROVOKING, which stimulates my codie brain. I need that!
I know I get just as much "help" from the inspirational messages too, where someone isn't seeking help. Like, going over an Al-Anon step, a poem, a thought for the day, healthy living tip, codependent tips, etc.
This truly is a place where you can take what you want and leave the rest. It is for ALL OF US.
Maybe we can make a "law" - if you want advice, ask for it. If you don't, don't.
I hope I haven't offended anyone.
First of all, maybe we can change the phrase "cross-talk" to "communication with others in a similar situation." or CWOIASS (ha ha ha, don't go there people! I see those last few letters.)
My feeling about the "cross-talk" is when we post something where we are not looking for advice, advice isn't given. But the majority of posts, people are seeking help. They are specifically asking for advice. And I know from my short experience here that the people on this sight have YEARS of experience in an area where many people are seeking help. I find it extremely helpful and comforting to get advice from those who have been through it, and have "lived" it. And from those who are just now going through a change of some sort as they "are in it" so they can express their feelings about it as it is happening.
I feel the people on this sight are intelligent, WISE, caring people and can figure out when advice is warranted and when it is not. And also, when it is appropriate and when it isn't. I think most of us would never give advice on whether to have your A checked into an insane asylum, (unless of course, you knew my A!) but, i might tell you what my A's symptoms were when he was abusing oxycontin.
The other great thing, is the variety of responses that are received. Everyone has such a great way of "putting" it out there. It's like getting "2nd opinions" from ten different people. It helps put things into perspective. It is THOUGHT-PROVOKING, which stimulates my codie brain. I need that!
I know I get just as much "help" from the inspirational messages too, where someone isn't seeking help. Like, going over an Al-Anon step, a poem, a thought for the day, healthy living tip, codependent tips, etc.
This truly is a place where you can take what you want and leave the rest. It is for ALL OF US.
Maybe we can make a "law" - if you want advice, ask for it. If you don't, don't.
I hope I haven't offended anyone.
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
Evening Wraybear:
When this topic came up today, I became concerned that perhaps I was helping to create an environment where seasoned members no longer felt comfortable. If I did, I sincerely apologize to everyone. Please understand that some of us are just beginning the recovery process and may not be familiar with standard Alanon rules or the 12-step recovery process. But that's why we're here. We all need to start somewhere.
I don't want my postings here to make others feel uncomfortable or overlooked, so I searched out the forum rules. I admit I hadn't done that before. See, I came to this site in a truly desperate moment and didn't even think to make sure I was following the rules of this forum. I guess at that moment it was all about me.
However, upon reading the forum rules, I don't see any rules about "cross-talk," only rules that stipulate that all postings must be related to the original topic and all topics must be relevant to recovery. So I think it would be helpful if guidelines were availble to newcomers so that, in their excitement at finally finding people who understand, they don't get overzealous and inadvertantly step in on somebody's thread.
I think the best solution is to make sure everyone is comfortable expressing their feelings and soliciting advice no matter what their level of recovery happens to be. Perhaps even a newbie section might be helpful to get us started on the right path.
Anyone else have any ideas?
When this topic came up today, I became concerned that perhaps I was helping to create an environment where seasoned members no longer felt comfortable. If I did, I sincerely apologize to everyone. Please understand that some of us are just beginning the recovery process and may not be familiar with standard Alanon rules or the 12-step recovery process. But that's why we're here. We all need to start somewhere.
I don't want my postings here to make others feel uncomfortable or overlooked, so I searched out the forum rules. I admit I hadn't done that before. See, I came to this site in a truly desperate moment and didn't even think to make sure I was following the rules of this forum. I guess at that moment it was all about me.
However, upon reading the forum rules, I don't see any rules about "cross-talk," only rules that stipulate that all postings must be related to the original topic and all topics must be relevant to recovery. So I think it would be helpful if guidelines were availble to newcomers so that, in their excitement at finally finding people who understand, they don't get overzealous and inadvertantly step in on somebody's thread.
I think the best solution is to make sure everyone is comfortable expressing their feelings and soliciting advice no matter what their level of recovery happens to be. Perhaps even a newbie section might be helpful to get us started on the right path.
Anyone else have any ideas?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: US
Posts: 316
I can not attend Alanon in my little town...
YET...since my best friend attends and I am not ready for my worlds to collide yet.
I have learned what I can about living and dealing with an alcoholic from online forums and therapy. I have a learned A LOT. I feel good about the knowledge that I have and how far I have come.
Yet, when I read a post from someone who is REALLY there, is REALLY in recovery for themself, is REALLY knowledgeable about Alanon...I learn so much.
Petunia's messages are SOOO helpful and any reference to the steps sends me running right back to a site that has them outlined. Magichappen's posts have been more life changing than any. It is so nice to hear "yes, I hear what you are saying, I am there myself", to hear someone respond with "I have been there and this is what I have done to not be there any more and it is all about YOU" is vastly more helpful.
I am familiar with the steps, to say that I have "worked them" is a far cry. I NEED that information and online is the only way I can get it at this point. I hope that this forum can continue to provide that.
Jenny
I have learned what I can about living and dealing with an alcoholic from online forums and therapy. I have a learned A LOT. I feel good about the knowledge that I have and how far I have come.
Yet, when I read a post from someone who is REALLY there, is REALLY in recovery for themself, is REALLY knowledgeable about Alanon...I learn so much.
Petunia's messages are SOOO helpful and any reference to the steps sends me running right back to a site that has them outlined. Magichappen's posts have been more life changing than any. It is so nice to hear "yes, I hear what you are saying, I am there myself", to hear someone respond with "I have been there and this is what I have done to not be there any more and it is all about YOU" is vastly more helpful.
I am familiar with the steps, to say that I have "worked them" is a far cry. I NEED that information and online is the only way I can get it at this point. I hope that this forum can continue to provide that.
Jenny
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Auckland, New Zealand
Posts: 146
Hey bear
No - I don't think you've offended anyone. I think that when one of us is desparately sad, we need to vent. I don't feel that just because you don't get lots of responses to your post that your post isn't relevent or unneeded. I know that as part of my Step 4 process I'm reading a lot more than I am posting (better for all you guys
).
People are individuals and they need to express their individual beauty whether it's venting in anger or writing a poem. I love this place - people feel free enough to write to us about their despair and about their recovery - that is so cool especially when you're hangin' off the bottom of the globe!
Love you guys - and remember...just when you thought no-one was reading your posts...aha! they were! You are all a great part of my recovery and my healing.
Thank you all for contributing to a wonderful forum
hugs from NZ
Sandra
No - I don't think you've offended anyone. I think that when one of us is desparately sad, we need to vent. I don't feel that just because you don't get lots of responses to your post that your post isn't relevent or unneeded. I know that as part of my Step 4 process I'm reading a lot more than I am posting (better for all you guys
).People are individuals and they need to express their individual beauty whether it's venting in anger or writing a poem. I love this place - people feel free enough to write to us about their despair and about their recovery - that is so cool especially when you're hangin' off the bottom of the globe!
Love you guys - and remember...just when you thought no-one was reading your posts...aha! they were! You are all a great part of my recovery and my healing.
Thank you all for contributing to a wonderful forum
hugs from NZ
Sandra
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Carrollton TX
Posts: 466
I'm with zazengirl - this forum has literally helped me return to sanity. I like getting advise and I do find I tend to give it sometimes. But, isn't that what the AA and the like scenarios are about - don't they say "take what you want, and leave the rest"? That's what I do. the truth is that alot of us are not seasoned veterans at this and we feel crazy and confused, and just to hear another persons view, can be immensley enlightening. I am sooo grateful for those seasoned Alanon people who have the patience and generosity to help us newbies to stay focused and shed their knowledge - but, I am also greatful for my group of "friends" here at SR who can comfort me and give me advise, share a story, or just plain tell me I'm not crazy!
{tap}{tap}...Is this thing on?
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Getting There
Posts: 276
What a great topic. Since the word has come up and it is a word from the Al-Anon world (which is no longer the name of this forum), I'd like to offer a definition that I have heard for cross-talk so that it is clarified what it can mean:
"Cross-talking has been defined as talking out of turn, advice giving, questioning the person who is sharing, holding private conversations, having an individual comment on everyone’s sharing, and as being discourteous and intimidating."
I do use a good amount of Al-Anon related learnings and thoughts here, and will continue to do so. And I will follow a great recommendation by WrayBear - I will not offer my opinion unless someone asks for advice.
One of the best reminders I have ever heard came from a piece of Al-Anon literature. It read - "The greatest form of insult is unsolicited advice."
I try to remember that someone's feelings are attached to these posts. Just like at a meeting. And that if I don't agree with something, I can just let it be and not react.
Wishing you all a day filled with little moments of recovery -
Petunia
"Cross-talking has been defined as talking out of turn, advice giving, questioning the person who is sharing, holding private conversations, having an individual comment on everyone’s sharing, and as being discourteous and intimidating."
I do use a good amount of Al-Anon related learnings and thoughts here, and will continue to do so. And I will follow a great recommendation by WrayBear - I will not offer my opinion unless someone asks for advice.
One of the best reminders I have ever heard came from a piece of Al-Anon literature. It read - "The greatest form of insult is unsolicited advice."
I try to remember that someone's feelings are attached to these posts. Just like at a meeting. And that if I don't agree with something, I can just let it be and not react.
Wishing you all a day filled with little moments of recovery -
Petunia
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
Thank you for opening this topic. I felt extremely guilty and upset that I may ( and I have crossed the lines). I would not ever want to be an offense or nuisance here, or rob it's value. Man, If I do that, I would rather someone say to me "Who asked you?", that I can take with a sense of humor. But the idea that I have irritated or caused harm is truly troubling and painful to me.
I do over-use SR.
I am in a foreign country and barely speak the language.
So the only people I have to talk with and chat with are here.
I still need that for my continuing recovery. But I will certainly stop and think more carefully before I jump in and say what is on my mind.
Please accept my apologies.
And thank you for bringing this up to clarify and resolve.
I do over-use SR.
I am in a foreign country and barely speak the language.
So the only people I have to talk with and chat with are here.
I still need that for my continuing recovery. But I will certainly stop and think more carefully before I jump in and say what is on my mind.
Please accept my apologies.
And thank you for bringing this up to clarify and resolve.
"What Now?"
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Kingport, Tennessee
Posts: 16
As a newbie, yes it would be nice to have a site for us. As for changing anything. Please don't. I have only been on here for two days and have loved everything I have read. I finally found people that could understand. I figure if I say something and someone offers advice, that's fine with me. I will sipher through it and take what I want or not want. When I read stories of venting or anger, I relate in one way or another. We all need to vent to people that understand. I agree, that if something gets out of hand, this forum needs to deal with it. But, so far, I have only seen kind remarks coming from different people.
So, please, please nobody change. It's great the way it is.
So, please, please nobody change. It's great the way it is.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: uk
Posts: 3,054
Not just here but in real life too I think there's some need to apologise sometimes and to know that others make mistakes too. I thought maybe the only way to be sure not to hurt was never to post, but if that was the answer here it would be in real life too and it isn't.
I'm not sure I really know what the answer is yet, to be a little more careful, try to remember I'm bound to get some things wrong? Probably. I think bad feeling is very damaging and the only thing to do is try and build bridges when it happens.
I'm not sure I really know what the answer is yet, to be a little more careful, try to remember I'm bound to get some things wrong? Probably. I think bad feeling is very damaging and the only thing to do is try and build bridges when it happens.
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