MegM

My husband is an alcoholic. over the past few years has been in inpatient and outpatient rehab. He somehow has always worked and done well at work through all this and financially provides well for our family. He had about 6 months sober then relapsed when our third child was born in November. Had hip replacement from AVN related to drinking two weeks ago. He’s still in an IOP program but I’ve been suspicious not going consistently and that he’s been drinking again but haven’t found the proof. Tonight he was in a mood and stormed out and returned hours later unable to speak he was so drunk, while he was out I found a refill of oxy from the surgery filled four days ago with only 6 pills left meaning over 5 a day (he’s told me that he was totally off pain meds). I would not let him sleep in our room and made him go to the guest room. We have three kids 4, 1.5 and 3 months at home. I’m not ready to leave him and want him to get help and am going to reach out to him IOP treatment therapist but I can’t stand to be around him. I’m tempted to pack him a bag and tell him to leave at least a few days until he can come home sober because I don’t want this mental emotional of physical burden on me or the kids. Will doing this just enable him? I’m afraid his going to just go on a bender somewhere. It also puts me in a really hard place having to take care of the kids by myself, is having him around hungover/angry better than doing it alone? Has anyone had similar experience? What did you do?

SparkleKitty

If he's going to go on a bender, he will do it wherever he is, and nothing you do or don't do with change that. You have no control over him and his disease at all. You are already taking care of the kids by yourself, think how much easier it will be if he isn't there causing additional harm.

biminiblue

I agree with SparkleKitty.

The kids are also suffering. They feel fear. Find a way to live separately, sooner rather than later.

I would not expect anything you do to have any effect whatsoever in his behavior. I'm sorry there are small children, if their innocent dependence isn't enough for him -- I doubt anything is.

venuscat

Hello Meg,

I would pack the bag for him and reach out to family/friends to get help with the kids.
If he cares enough, he will decide to get serious about his sobriety.

He may well end up on a bender, and I know how painful that can be and how worrying, but when you have had enough, you have had enough.
This is on him, and he needs to make some decisions and do the work.

trailmix

Hi Meg. As SK mentioned, if he is going to go on a bender, he will do that anyway. He's on one right now and you are right there.

You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's).

Having him leave is not giving up, it is separating you and your children from what is really harmful to you. Alcoholism/addiction is progressive, as you have probably seen. If you think he has been drinking or seeming drugged (from the pill abuse), you are no doubt right.

You do have 2 choices, you can continue to let him stay and accept that he may drink or use other drugs (and the struggles that entails), or you can get him to leave and hope that he does get clean. The only real consideration is you and the kids, he has to be willing to get sober and he will do that or not, whether you are right there watching, or not.

It does affect your children, as you are aware and your gut instinct to protect yourself and them is spot on.

trailmix

You might find this thread relatable:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-he-drank.html (He drank)

SearchingEm

MegM - sending virtual hugs because you are in a tough spot, made harder because you have 3 very young children also being affected by the family disease of alcoholism.
My experience strength and hope relates setting a boundary with my father (who was drinking a 1/5 of bourbon nightly) -- I did this as a teenager with my alcoholic father (several decades ago) so since you are in a different situation related to you being the adult in the home and are more aware of the economic and emotional effects on you and your children compared to me as a teenager. In any event, our situation was that my younger sister kept repeatedly attempting suicide, it looked to me like my mother was doing nothing as everything stayed the same in the home -- so I went to my father and told him I knew he loved us, and a way to show that was to go away for a little while because it looked to me like his drinking was contributing to my little sister's repeated and increasingly lethal suicide attempts. Much to my surprise he went on a "vacation" for a few weeks (I don't know how he handled the time off from work so he kept getting paid). I'm glad to say my little sister is still alive. (Tho my father never stopped drinking)