Toddy

I'm driving home from work and I KNOW I should drive straight past the Off Licence. Last nights antics prove that. At the last minute I pull into a parking space and PROMISE myself I'll only drink 1 quarter bottle of vodka (200ml) just to get that little buzz and shake off last night's hangover.

I down the bottle in the car on the way home and 10 minutes later start to feel that warm glow from those 8 little shots. For about half an hour I'm content, I don't need any more, I'm confident that this time I'm going to stop there and get away with it.

I go to the kitchen and start prepping the ingredients for dinner. That warm saturation of alcohol flowing through my veins, this is what I've been waiting for all day, my mind is finally at peace.

I slowly start to feel like I need just one more glug of vodka. The more time that passes the stronger this urge becomes. I tell my partner that I've forgotten an essential ingredient and that I've got to nip down the shop, she looks at me suspiciously. I get back from the shop having had a good glug and stash the half bottle (350ml, our local shop doesn't sell the 200ml's) in a jacket pocket in my wardrobe. I return to the kitchen and again feel confident that I don't need any more vodka. I'm going to get this meal cooked and eaten then I'll be sorted and ready for a bit of tv before bed.

I go upstairs to have a shower while the bolognese is simmering on the hob and have another big glug, I know I shouldn't but I'm no longer in control, I'm not making the rules any more.

By the time dinner is ready I've finished the half bottle and that warm glow of contentment has morphed into an uneasy feeling of sloppy anxiety, restlessness and anger. I need more alcohol, I want that clean, warm glow back.

Over dinner my partner knows I've been drinking, she questions me and I deny it. We eat in silence and I start to feel angry that I've been accused of drinking. We argue, I shout, I slam a door and storm out, my rational self is long gone and there's no going back. I go back to the shop and buy more vodka.

I wake up the next morning and check my jacket pocket. I drank the other half bottle but I can't remember it. I also can't remember how bad the arguing got but I remember it escalating, I can't remember anything after dinner. My heart rate is through the roof, the guilt, the shame, the paranoia all mixing together into this unbearable whirlwind of hell. I want to die. I KNOW that I will never drink again.

I text my partner and say how sorry I am, how I've got a problem and I know I need to do something about it. She doesn't respond.

I get to work and drink strong coffee all day. I feel like the victim in all of this, like some evil spirit is controlling the misery of a life that I'm living.

Driving home that evening I KNOW I shouldn't get another bottle but I need something to take the edge off this horrible feeling, at the last minute I pull into a parking space....

This is the life I was living just 60 odd days ago. This occurred on a weekly, almost daily basis.

When I'm sober I'm kind, thoughtful and even tempered. I haven't raised my voice once in the last 60 days, I haven't had to try hard at this, I'm just not angry. I'm not angry at the world any more and I'm not angry at myself.I take full responsibility for my addiction and I do not see myself as a victim. I don't necessarily blame myself either, it just is what it is.

If there's one thing I'm certain of it's that everyone deserves the opportunity to make things right and I am committed to doing so. Lot's of work to do but I don't ever want to return to that life, it'll only go one way.

Dee74

Congrats on 60 days Toddy - IMO, as long as you keep the memories fresh of how it used to be, you'll never go back

D

needingtochange

Toddy, that's sort of the way I'd felt. Just a little more and I can catch that dragon... I'm still trying to sort it all out. All of the things I could've been working on, should've been working on, except for alcohol. My "buddy" alcohol turning me away from the path I should've have been going down, but didn't.
Water under the bridge. I can't change the past, but will try and use those lessons to make a better future. Actually, even if everything stays the same, it's much better without alcohol!

KneePads

Toddy, Thank you so much for sharing that! Such a relatable post and it brought it home with a thump that the romantic thoughts about what drinking was like are actually nothing like the reality. The reality is just hellish. Love your posts, they always resonate with me so much.

Well done on 60+ days, let’s keep this going and never look back 😊😊😊
xxx

Gymbunny7

Yes well done Toddy 60 days is brilliant. I can relate so much if I was on one shall we say, in the sod it mindset I could never leave alcohol. If I knew I had wine left I wouldn't settle till I drank it. I know I can never drink sensibly I couldn't have one glass and leave the rest in the fridge and I will never be able to do that. I wouldn't drink at all in the week but come Fri I'd have a bottle of wine and there would be no way I'd leave any of it. More on Saturday then a bottle on Sunday. Oh then the added reoccurring binge sessions where I'd drink anything and everything. My life is massively less stressful now no hiding bottles, coping with hungover, drinking is surprisingly time consuming. I'm more than happy to accept I can't drink again as my life is so much better. And we all think alcohol aids stress the reality it causes it.

fishkiller

Thanks for sharing

Life is so much better without the poison.
The return on investment just isn't there.
A few minutes of manufactured bliss costs our life. All of it.
Keep getting at it and you will eventually be manufacturing your own bliss. No poison needed. The cost is a bit of work. The ROI is your life.
How can we pass up that deal?

60 Days is Awesome!
It's all about making the right choices now

Hevyn

Toddy - That was me almost exactly. Except in the end, I didn't have coffee at work - I took alcohol with me to ward off the shakes & nausea.

What an honest & helpful post. We're so proud of your 60 days - and happy you are part of SR.

ThatWasTheOldMe

Thank you, Toddy.
We are all so much better people without the poison.

Zencat

Thanks, Toddy

That is a good description of losing control. What I drank was small compared to having all life sucked out of me in return

joe801

Congratulations on the 60 days Toddy and thanks for the post.

FiveTries

Yep. I heard a lot of my story in yours. Thanks for sharing that, Toddy. And congrats! 60 days is a very big deal.

We NEVER have to live like that again.

Steely

That was me too, Toddy.

Thank you.

JohnToon

Awesome post Toddy!

Kaily

A good reminder of the awfulness thanks Toddy. Well done on 60 days, keep it going

Zebra1275

Thanks for the post. That's a good description of the madness I found myself in.

zoobadger

It's useful when cravings arise to reflect on the abnormal and unhealthy nature of our drinking. No normie drinks vodka in the car on the way home from work. And they don't need to make a deliberate vow to "only" drink half of the bottle. And, for that matter, normie's don't routinely drink straight vodka,

Considering the aberrant nature of our cravings, it's hardly necessary to even play the tape forward to the inevitable family dysfunction and the blackouts.

Pekelover2

Thank you for this post Toddy!
That “warm glow” sounds like the “hug” that drinking gives me.
Thank you for such an authentic and accurate description. I too wake up with so many regrets.
Congratulations on 60 days!!

ThatWasTheOldMe

Alcohol is nasty stuff. The things it does to us :/
I'm happy to be sober.