A day in the life.
I'm driving home from work and I KNOW I should drive straight past the Off Licence. Last nights antics prove that. At the last minute I pull into a parking space and PROMISE myself I'll only drink 1 quarter bottle of vodka (200ml) just to get that little buzz and shake off last night's hangover.
I down the bottle in the car on the way home and 10 minutes later start to feel that warm glow from those 8 little shots. For about half an hour I'm content, I don't need any more, I'm confident that this time I'm going to stop there and get away with it.
I go to the kitchen and start prepping the ingredients for dinner. That warm saturation of alcohol flowing through my veins, this is what I've been waiting for all day, my mind is finally at peace.
I slowly start to feel like I need just one more glug of vodka. The more time that passes the stronger this urge becomes. I tell my partner that I've forgotten an essential ingredient and that I've got to nip down the shop, she looks at me suspiciously. I get back from the shop having had a good glug and stash the half bottle (350ml, our local shop doesn't sell the 200ml's) in a jacket pocket in my wardrobe. I return to the kitchen and again feel confident that I don't need any more vodka. I'm going to get this meal cooked and eaten then I'll be sorted and ready for a bit of tv before bed.
I go upstairs to have a shower while the bolognese is simmering on the hob and have another big glug, I know I shouldn't but I'm no longer in control, I'm not making the rules any more.
By the time dinner is ready I've finished the half bottle and that warm glow of contentment has morphed into an uneasy feeling of sloppy anxiety, restlessness and anger. I need more alcohol, I want that clean, warm glow back.
Over dinner my partner knows I've been drinking, she questions me and I deny it. We eat in silence and I start to feel angry that I've been accused of drinking. We argue, I shout, I slam a door and storm out, my rational self is long gone and there's no going back. I go back to the shop and buy more vodka.
I wake up the next morning and check my jacket pocket. I drank the other half bottle but I can't remember it. I also can't remember how bad the arguing got but I remember it escalating, I can't remember anything after dinner. My heart rate is through the roof, the guilt, the shame, the paranoia all mixing together into this unbearable whirlwind of hell. I want to die. I KNOW that I will never drink again.
I text my partner and say how sorry I am, how I've got a problem and I know I need to do something about it. She doesn't respond.
I get to work and drink strong coffee all day. I feel like the victim in all of this, like some evil spirit is controlling the misery of a life that I'm living.
Driving home that evening I KNOW I shouldn't get another bottle but I need something to take the edge off this horrible feeling, at the last minute I pull into a parking space....
This is the life I was living just 60 odd days ago. This occurred on a weekly, almost daily basis.
When I'm sober I'm kind, thoughtful and even tempered. I haven't raised my voice once in the last 60 days, I haven't had to try hard at this, I'm just not angry. I'm not angry at the world any more and I'm not angry at myself.I take full responsibility for my addiction and I do not see myself as a victim. I don't necessarily blame myself either, it just is what it is.
If there's one thing I'm certain of it's that everyone deserves the opportunity to make things right and I am committed to doing so. Lot's of work to do but I don't ever want to return to that life, it'll only go one way.