KneePads

Hi SR clan,

A while back (during my drinking days - so not really that long ago…!) I remember reading a quote that said:

”Show me where you spend all your money and all your time, and that will show me who you are”.

I always remembered that, because at the time, my answer to that was: alcohol and getting drunk.

I couldn’t get it out of my head. It didn’t matter that I had other interests or hopes or dreams (sounds corny, but true). Because I wasn’t spending any money/investment/time/effort/anything other than a fleeting thought into them.

It was all booze.

I think that quote may just have been the tiny seed that was the catalyst for me attempting to properly get my shite together. I don’t want to go back this time.

And the annoying thing is I haven’t got the foggiest idea who said the quote! 😂 But there it is anyway.

Life changing stuff 😂😂

Love to you all xxx

DeplorableDog

My mother has said something like that many times over the years. It is a great way of deciding early who your close friends should be. You can also tell a lot about a person by walking into their home. I remember years ago when my wife and I attended a new church and a few weeks later the pastor came to visit us. It seemed odd at the moment but the pastor asked me if I had a man cave. He asked to see it and I led him out to the back garage. We sat out there and talked and he told me, "I can see you are a cleanly person who is very into old cars and bicycles." He was dead on at the time and it was an analysis based on the fact that my back garage was very clean, there were two vehicles both with an antique tag and there were over ten ride able bicycles neatly placed in racks. My wife and I no longer attend that church but we are still to this day close friends with that Pastor.

Bookbuff

Hey Kneepads
what a great quote. I think that will also stick in my head now. Its very true. Made me stop and think for sure
B x

DriGuy

I think when somewhere in your conscious mind when you begin to realize you have a problem, sayings like that will direct your focus on the problem in surprising ways. I was reading one of those self help books many years ago that posed the question, "What is the biggest thing in your life that you need to change?" While I had never framed the issue in that manner, the answer popped into my head with certainty and clarity that changed my life right then and there. I remember I was reading that book in the middle of the night in my car under the dome light. I was parked next to a gas pump of a closed gas station in Alaska, while waiting for the station to open. I was in my early 20s, and I guess I was impulsive enough to carry out a major career change with never a backwards glance. It worked out well.

Zencat

I found this KP

“Show me where you spend your time, money and energy and I’ll tell you what you worship...”
— John Wimber

I used to worship drugs! That explains a few things.

ValleyOftheLost

It is a great quote. I have heard it before but I am starting to take it to heart. I have have spent the last ten years or so chasing my drug addicted attorney husband around. Obsessed with catching him in lies, getting him reinstated after being disbarred, hiding relapses, screaming at other drug addicted attorneys to leave him alone, having high hopes for suboxone and then have it all come crashing down when I found out he abuses suboxone. My studio is in shambles, canvases half done, thick layers of dust on my brushes and tubes of paint. Deadlines for exhibits missed. The suboxone is now under lock and key and I dole it out every morning and watch my husband take it. Its the best I can do. I no longer care about his ********, after I see him take the suboxone, I am going straight back to my artwork.

KneePads

Thanks Zencat! (I’m now going to research this Mr Wimber!) xxx

KneePads

Oh Valley… Gosh, I’m sorry to hear that. I’m certain your husband isn’t having any fun, but I know how helpless and exhausted you must be feeling by living through it all too Addiction made me so selfish. The messed up part is that fixing it all also requires a degree of selfishness as well. You’re in the right place though as there’s some lovely people on here. xxx

KneePads

I wish some of my lightbulb moments were this bright and instant, DriGuy. With me it’s more like a dark room and when I read something that resonates with me it’s like a very slow dimmer switch that gradually gets brighter over a few weeks when I can’t shift the thought out of my head. In the end I think “Sigh, I’d better deal with that now then, before it blows a fuse”.

DriGuy

Well, that moment I described was hardly the norm for me. I have to spend more time than that figuring things out, and many of them, like yours, I haven't figured out, or even decided if it's worth it. The good thing is, and I hope it's the same for you, is that not everything has to have an answer, but we can still go on about our lives doing the best we can. And I think you're doing that. You can puzzle and solve a lot of things, but not everything. Maybe you will figure out this one, though. Who knows?

ValleyOftheLost

Dear KneePads. Thank you for your kind response. BUT he is having fun. He had someone help him, cover for him and he is all cheerful and bouncy. He works, his license is safe, he has clients, goes to the gym, has nice home cooked meals. He is quite exasperated and annoyed I cry and feel shattered. Just says "I said I was sorry,what else can I do". He has lied for years about everything. It is his way of avoiding conflict. Still lies. Even about stupid small stuff that does not matter. Does not matter how kind and understanding I am and easy going I am. We even went to marital therapy about this and after spending a lot of money and time, found out he was lying to the therapist. The final nail in the coffin of this relationship was I found email he wrote to his partner about me. He was claiming the reason our health insurance papers were not turned in on time (then a penalty for sign up is due) was that I had not done the research for the insurance we wanted and had been pressuring him and screaming at him to get health insurance someplace else. I was stunned. Not only was all the paperwork done AHEAD OF TIME but it was notarized, dated, had a check attached and was sitting in his car. I NEVER, EVER, screamed at him about it at all, it was never an issue. I was happy we were getting it. It is not the first time he threw me under the bus. He is constantly telling me he loves me and how wonderful I am but the words are totally meaningless. I am beginning to think he lives in a fantasy world and I want no part of it.

Oglsby

I hear your pain, and anger, and as far as I am concerned, that would be the end to his "fun". You've exhausted yourself and he looks all the better. See how he fares shouldering the burden of his BS without your sustenance (and that doesn't mean you have to leave him, either). You deserve a life.

joe801

It's the old question of what suddenly makes the light turn on. In most cases, the light was always on, but wasn't or couldn't be observed. Alcohol distracts the drinker and dulls awareness of the situation.

The difference once someone quits and then observes the benefits they understand the danger. It's no different than someone texting and running in other lanes if they could see their actions from a third person view they would understand the danger. It's the same for jobs and professions, many people go to work unaware in a terrible mood, stressed, and wondering why the day wasn't good. If they could see themselves in a third-person view they might correlate as to why others are in a good mood.

I've always viewed it this way and it's a weird analogy but it works. A mouse or rat inside a maze isn't much better than being trapped in alcoholism. But once sober you see above the maze and understand which turns to make to escape.

ValleyOftheLost

Thank you Oglsby. I feel like a doll under a spell on a spinning music box he winds with a key.

DriGuy

I think you are correct on both counts.

ValleyOftheLost

Oglsby: How does one do that? I do not know how and I am very worn out. I have been going to Al anon meetings, I apologize but I get nothing out of them.