Looking for support on the best way to go no contact
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Looking for support on the best way to go no contact
Hi,
I've been reading around this forum for a few weeks as I've been building up the courage to finally go no contact with my ex boyfriend. When we met, he told me he loved that I didn't drink and that he didn't drink as well. I didn't find out he was an alcoholic until about 2 months into us dating. I took things slow with him and he went above and beyond to prove that he was a man that I deserve. He was sober for, I believe, about 4-6 weeks when we met. His family absolutely loved me because they could see how well he was doing and how motivated he was in all areas of his life. All of his exes were much younger than him and they drank all the time as well.
Fast forward to almost 5 months later and I now have a pretty good picture of how much of a hole this guy is in. No point in going into details about all of it, except that he is a binge drinker and drinks a 1.75 liter bottle of hard alcohol in just a couple of hours. He drinks to blackout.
I've tried to go no contact several times, letting him know not to reach out to me until he's in rehab, but I always cave. Long story short, he's been before and was apparently sober for 6 months, but he's at the point where when he tries to get sober on his own, he is even more verbally and emotionally abusive than when he's drunk. He usually doesn't last more than a week before he has to drink again. I'm very aware that he will never stay sober without a very long recovery period with a lot of support.
All of that being said, I've read Codependent No more and many other books on the subject. I know I'm codependent. I know that I have a really hard time feeling like someone is mad at me or hates me -- due to my upbringing. I would rather sacrifice myself than feel the discomfort of someone believing I don't love them.
Here's where I need advice. I feel like I'm at a point where I just know the only way forward is no contact with him. He has admitted he has a problem many times in the past, but this time he's just using the excuse that if only we could just not argue, then things would be fine with us. (He can be very self aware when he wants to be.)
I'm really great at taking accountability for my part in things. So he's thinking that this no contact has nothing to do with his alcoholism. Am I doing him a disservice to just keep the peace and go no contact without mentioning again that it's due to the alcohol? Or does it even matter? Deep down he knows. I realize it's not my responsibility. I just want to do what's best for both of us and lead in the most healthy way that I possibly can in a situation that is extremely unhealthy and toxic. Yes, I have a very high tolerance for abuse and I expect a lot from myself. I am well aware of this. LOL. I know I still have a lot of work to do on myself.
I've been reading around this forum for a few weeks as I've been building up the courage to finally go no contact with my ex boyfriend. When we met, he told me he loved that I didn't drink and that he didn't drink as well. I didn't find out he was an alcoholic until about 2 months into us dating. I took things slow with him and he went above and beyond to prove that he was a man that I deserve. He was sober for, I believe, about 4-6 weeks when we met. His family absolutely loved me because they could see how well he was doing and how motivated he was in all areas of his life. All of his exes were much younger than him and they drank all the time as well.
Fast forward to almost 5 months later and I now have a pretty good picture of how much of a hole this guy is in. No point in going into details about all of it, except that he is a binge drinker and drinks a 1.75 liter bottle of hard alcohol in just a couple of hours. He drinks to blackout.
I've tried to go no contact several times, letting him know not to reach out to me until he's in rehab, but I always cave. Long story short, he's been before and was apparently sober for 6 months, but he's at the point where when he tries to get sober on his own, he is even more verbally and emotionally abusive than when he's drunk. He usually doesn't last more than a week before he has to drink again. I'm very aware that he will never stay sober without a very long recovery period with a lot of support.
All of that being said, I've read Codependent No more and many other books on the subject. I know I'm codependent. I know that I have a really hard time feeling like someone is mad at me or hates me -- due to my upbringing. I would rather sacrifice myself than feel the discomfort of someone believing I don't love them.
Here's where I need advice. I feel like I'm at a point where I just know the only way forward is no contact with him. He has admitted he has a problem many times in the past, but this time he's just using the excuse that if only we could just not argue, then things would be fine with us. (He can be very self aware when he wants to be.)
I'm really great at taking accountability for my part in things. So he's thinking that this no contact has nothing to do with his alcoholism. Am I doing him a disservice to just keep the peace and go no contact without mentioning again that it's due to the alcohol? Or does it even matter? Deep down he knows. I realize it's not my responsibility. I just want to do what's best for both of us and lead in the most healthy way that I possibly can in a situation that is extremely unhealthy and toxic. Yes, I have a very high tolerance for abuse and I expect a lot from myself. I am well aware of this. LOL. I know I still have a lot of work to do on myself.
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Or does it even matter? Deep down he knows. I realize it's not my responsibility.
Doesn't matter!
I just want to do what's best for both of us and lead in the most healthy way that I possibly can in a situation that is extremely unhealthy and toxic. Yes, I have a very high tolerance for abuse and I expect a lot from myself. I am well aware of this. LOL. I know I still have a lot of work to do on myself.
Doing what's best for YOU is the only thing you can do. Lead yourself! You honestly don't know what's best for him. Freeing yourself from those assumptions, and from the guilt that there is something wrong with choosing for yourself, that somehow no, it HAS to beneficial for both of you, etc, is some of the work you'll hopefully be doing in the future!
Two slogans that really helped me in early AlAnon:
Keep it Simple.
and
Let Go or be Dragged.
I remind myself when I'm feeling these impulses to keep bringing my focus back to my health, my mental health, my dreams, my goals. Is it sad to come to a point where I have to go no contact with an old friend/lover? Yes it is sad.
Some healthy choices in my life have been very sad, confusing, frustrating, difficult. Yet they are the right choice.
Be gentle with yourself. This sh*t is hard!
Peace,
B.
Doesn't matter!
I just want to do what's best for both of us and lead in the most healthy way that I possibly can in a situation that is extremely unhealthy and toxic. Yes, I have a very high tolerance for abuse and I expect a lot from myself. I am well aware of this. LOL. I know I still have a lot of work to do on myself.
Doing what's best for YOU is the only thing you can do. Lead yourself! You honestly don't know what's best for him. Freeing yourself from those assumptions, and from the guilt that there is something wrong with choosing for yourself, that somehow no, it HAS to beneficial for both of you, etc, is some of the work you'll hopefully be doing in the future!
Two slogans that really helped me in early AlAnon:
Keep it Simple.
and
Let Go or be Dragged.
I remind myself when I'm feeling these impulses to keep bringing my focus back to my health, my mental health, my dreams, my goals. Is it sad to come to a point where I have to go no contact with an old friend/lover? Yes it is sad.
Some healthy choices in my life have been very sad, confusing, frustrating, difficult. Yet they are the right choice.
Be gentle with yourself. This sh*t is hard!
Peace,
B.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,706
Originally Posted by SoulRise 
All of that being said, I've read Codependent No more and many other books on the subject. I know I'm codependent. I know that I have a really hard time feeling like someone is mad at me or hates me -- due to my upbringing. I would rather sacrifice myself than feel the discomfort of someone believing I don't love them.
With the above, yes, it can be hard. You probably haven't practiced it a lot. Here is the thing, sometimes, in order to break a hugely self defeating, self sabotaging habit, pattern, trait - it's going to be uncomfortable. Maybe even for a good while. Until you practice and believe in the new behaviour (believing might come later) it's going to be tough.
Just like you have learned to sacrifice yourself rather than make someone else uncomfortable, you can learn new ways.
How are you at saying no? Maybe that's a place to start. You will find that no is A. A complete sentence and B. The sky doesn't fall down. People are used to hearing no, just not from you : )
As for him, I hope you will leave him to his own devices. He has work to do on himself and is probably actually better off alone and doing that (or not) rather than having you to blame. (ie: if only you didn't argue).
Does any of that sound reasonable to you?
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Join Date: Oct 2023
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Originally Posted by trailmix
Hi soulrise, glad you posted.
With the above, yes, it can be hard. You probably haven't practiced it a lot. Here is the thing, sometimes, in order to break a hugely self defeating, self sabotaging habit, pattern, trait - it's going to be uncomfortable. Maybe even for a good while. Until you practice and believe in the new behaviour (believing might come later) it's going to be tough.
Just like you have learned to sacrifice yourself rather than make someone else uncomfortable, you can learn new ways.
How are you at saying no? Maybe that's a place to start. You will find that no is A. A complete sentence and B. The sky doesn't fall down. People are used to hearing no, just not from you : )
As for him, I hope you will leave him to his own devices. He has work to do on himself and is probably actually better off alone and doing that (or not) rather than having you to blame. (ie: if only you didn't argue).
Does any of that sound reasonable to you?
With the above, yes, it can be hard. You probably haven't practiced it a lot. Here is the thing, sometimes, in order to break a hugely self defeating, self sabotaging habit, pattern, trait - it's going to be uncomfortable. Maybe even for a good while. Until you practice and believe in the new behaviour (believing might come later) it's going to be tough.
Just like you have learned to sacrifice yourself rather than make someone else uncomfortable, you can learn new ways.
How are you at saying no? Maybe that's a place to start. You will find that no is A. A complete sentence and B. The sky doesn't fall down. People are used to hearing no, just not from you : )
As for him, I hope you will leave him to his own devices. He has work to do on himself and is probably actually better off alone and doing that (or not) rather than having you to blame. (ie: if only you didn't argue).
Does any of that sound reasonable to you?
I'm happy to hear that it doesn't matter what I say before I go no contact. I'm just going to have to sit with the discomfort of someone I love possibly hating me, even when I know I'm doing the right thing. I've sat with this discomfort for nearly 20 years with my mom so I know I'm capable of setting and sticking to boundaries.
I do realize his anger towards me is because he can no longer control or manipulate me. That should give me some solace.
You're so right about him not having me to blame. I have noticed during our time apart that his blame just shifts to someone else. It does feel good to not be the target of this when we spend less time talking.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,706
Originally Posted by SoulRise
I've come really far in breaking patterns and I realize it's not in any way easy and I give myself grace that I can't change it overnight.
I'm happy to hear that it doesn't matter what I say before I go no contact. I'm just going to have to sit with the discomfort of someone I love possibly hating me, even when I know I'm doing the right thing.
I'm happy to hear that it doesn't matter what I say before I go no contact. I'm just going to have to sit with the discomfort of someone I love possibly hating me, even when I know I'm doing the right thing.
That said, you are actually doing really well. You already know what you have to do, what's right for you and you are doing it. That's huge. That's all you can ask of yourself. Forgiving or giving yourself grace for those same decisions can be tough, but you realize that already.
Yes, nothing you can say will change anything, which is unfortunate, of course, but still nothing you have any control over (his behaviour).
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Originally Posted by trailmix
I'm so glad that you give yourself grace, this kind of stuff takes time and lots of it.
That said, you are actually doing really well. You already know what you have to do, what's right for you and you are doing it. That's huge. That's all you can ask of yourself. Forgiving or giving yourself grace for those same decisions can be tough, but you realize that already.
Yes, nothing you can say will change anything, which is unfortunate, of course, but still nothing you have any control over (his behaviour).
That said, you are actually doing really well. You already know what you have to do, what's right for you and you are doing it. That's huge. That's all you can ask of yourself. Forgiving or giving yourself grace for those same decisions can be tough, but you realize that already.
Yes, nothing you can say will change anything, which is unfortunate, of course, but still nothing you have any control over (his behaviour).
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,706
Well knowing that what you are doing (feeling guilty about not having contact)- which isn't based in the reality (the guilt) of the actual situation, can help you.
- He lied to you from the very beginning
Not having a drink for a few weeks and being on his best behaviour is not the same as "not drinking". Whether he didn't admit that to himself or just not to you. He knows he is an alcoholic, he withheld that information to take your power of choice away from you, to give you time to become attached. Once you were, it was business as usual.
I dated someone once for about a year and half who is a narcissist. I can't say he has NPD, I'm not qualified to do that, let's just say that over time I realized he hit every point of NPD to a T.
After the relationship was done, we still talked, pretty much daily. Eventually, I told him we needed to stop contact for a while. I never heard from him again and I never contacted him again. I didn't block him (except on social media) - and that was that. It took a week or two to really be comfortable with that, but I have to admit I never really worried about his feelings about it because I knew what he was.
Perhaps you could set yourself a timeline. Instead of saying, I will never speak to him again! Give yourself one month of no contact. As someone told me at the time, he's not dead, you could actually talk to him at any time, if you really wanted to. I had times when I wanted to contact him. I waited those out, that's the hard part. I also made a list of all the horrible things about that relationship and I read it. I wanted to text, I read that list. It did help, a lot. It's easy to glorify something over time, but when it's right in your face how not wonderful it was, you can't.
When you look at that list, ask yourself if you want to go back to that.
Anyway just some thoughts.
- He lied to you from the very beginning
he told me he loved that I didn't drink and that he didn't drink as well
I dated someone once for about a year and half who is a narcissist. I can't say he has NPD, I'm not qualified to do that, let's just say that over time I realized he hit every point of NPD to a T.
After the relationship was done, we still talked, pretty much daily. Eventually, I told him we needed to stop contact for a while. I never heard from him again and I never contacted him again. I didn't block him (except on social media) - and that was that. It took a week or two to really be comfortable with that, but I have to admit I never really worried about his feelings about it because I knew what he was.
Perhaps you could set yourself a timeline. Instead of saying, I will never speak to him again! Give yourself one month of no contact. As someone told me at the time, he's not dead, you could actually talk to him at any time, if you really wanted to. I had times when I wanted to contact him. I waited those out, that's the hard part. I also made a list of all the horrible things about that relationship and I read it. I wanted to text, I read that list. It did help, a lot. It's easy to glorify something over time, but when it's right in your face how not wonderful it was, you can't.
When you look at that list, ask yourself if you want to go back to that.
Anyway just some thoughts.
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Join Date: Oct 2023
Posts: 5
Originally Posted by trailmix
Well knowing that what you are doing (feeling guilty about not having contact)- which isn't based in the reality (the guilt) of the actual situation, can help you.
- He lied to you from the very beginning
Not having a drink for a few weeks and being on his best behaviour is not the same as "not drinking". Whether he didn't admit that to himself or just not to you. He knows he is an alcoholic, he withheld that information to take your power of choice away from you, to give you time to become attached. Once you were, it was business as usual.
I dated someone once for about a year and half who is a narcissist. I can't say he has NPD, I'm not qualified to do that, let's just say that over time I realized he hit every point of NPD to a T.
After the relationship was done, we still talked, pretty much daily. Eventually, I told him we needed to stop contact for a while. I never heard from him again and I never contacted him again. I didn't block him (except on social media) - and that was that. It took a week or two to really be comfortable with that, but I have to admit I never really worried about his feelings about it because I knew what he was.
Perhaps you could set yourself a timeline. Instead of saying, I will never speak to him again! Give yourself one month of no contact. As someone told me at the time, he's not dead, you could actually talk to him at any time, if you really wanted to. I had times when I wanted to contact him. I waited those out, that's the hard part. I also made a list of all the horrible things about that relationship and I read it. I wanted to text, I read that list. It did help, a lot. It's easy to glorify something over time, but when it's right in your face how not wonderful it was, you can't.
When you look at that list, ask yourself if you want to go back to that.
Anyway just some thoughts.
- He lied to you from the very beginning
Not having a drink for a few weeks and being on his best behaviour is not the same as "not drinking". Whether he didn't admit that to himself or just not to you. He knows he is an alcoholic, he withheld that information to take your power of choice away from you, to give you time to become attached. Once you were, it was business as usual.
I dated someone once for about a year and half who is a narcissist. I can't say he has NPD, I'm not qualified to do that, let's just say that over time I realized he hit every point of NPD to a T.
After the relationship was done, we still talked, pretty much daily. Eventually, I told him we needed to stop contact for a while. I never heard from him again and I never contacted him again. I didn't block him (except on social media) - and that was that. It took a week or two to really be comfortable with that, but I have to admit I never really worried about his feelings about it because I knew what he was.
Perhaps you could set yourself a timeline. Instead of saying, I will never speak to him again! Give yourself one month of no contact. As someone told me at the time, he's not dead, you could actually talk to him at any time, if you really wanted to. I had times when I wanted to contact him. I waited those out, that's the hard part. I also made a list of all the horrible things about that relationship and I read it. I wanted to text, I read that list. It did help, a lot. It's easy to glorify something over time, but when it's right in your face how not wonderful it was, you can't.
When you look at that list, ask yourself if you want to go back to that.
Anyway just some thoughts.
Self control has always been a tough one for me. But I did eventually quit all drugs and alcohol after numbing myself for 20+ years so I know there’s hope for me. I do get very frustrated with myself sometimes that I can’t just be the person who blocks and moves on quickly.
I will try to tell myself a month and see how that goes.
I think I need reminders that I’m not dealing with a rational person. Every time I think I am, I start to feel like I’m going crazy because his actions and words are just so out of left field.
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Originally Posted by SoulRise
I think I need reminders that I’m not dealing with a rational person. Every time I think I am, I start to feel like I’m going crazy because his actions and words are just so out of left field.
I think, over time (and it can be a few days or a week) we can start to romanticize things, not just relationships, anything we leave, a job for instance. We can tend not to remember the bad and start to focus on the good, which in the great scheme of things, in general, is a good thing, otherwise we would all be really sad all the time lol
Of course that's not perfect in situations like this. With any relationship we also get used to be in contact with the person, that can be a hard habit to break.
Then if you have someone calling or texting you telling you how GOOD this could all be if just this and this were fixed (which you know they could be in a "normal" relationship), that makes it so much harder.
The truth though (which is actually going to set you free!), is that his truth isn't yours. His promises and seemingly normal plans etc etc mean absolutely nothing. In fact, those same promises are what will hurt you. You are still vulnerable to him, he has the ability to hurt you, contact with him is like walking in to a lions den.
That's what finally made me go no contact btw. Nothing hugely horrendous happened. Just a word or line here or there where I did a double take and thought, hold on, that's a manipulation and not very nice. I was done then, no way would I let someone threaten me like that.
So, if you keep that in mind, that he actually has about zero empathy for how this affects you and hurts you and that he is dangerous to your happiness and wellbeing, that can help your resolve as well. Is he friend or foe? Does he represent good to you or harm to you? He's not your friend, he is not looking out for you, he is looking out for number one (his drug of choice) and himself.
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Originally Posted by trailmix
That's why the list is so handy.
I think, over time (and it can be a few days or a week) we can start to romanticize things, not just relationships, anything we leave, a job for instance. We can tend not to remember the bad and start to focus on the good, which in the great scheme of things, in general, is a good thing, otherwise we would all be really sad all the time lol
Of course that's not perfect in situations like this. With any relationship we also get used to be in contact with the person, that can be a hard habit to break.
Then if you have someone calling or texting you telling you how GOOD this could all be if just this and this were fixed (which you know they could be in a "normal" relationship), that makes it so much harder.
The truth though (which is actually going to set you free!), is that his truth isn't yours. His promises and seemingly normal plans etc etc mean absolutely nothing. In fact, those same promises are what will hurt you. You are still vulnerable to him, he has the ability to hurt you, contact with him is like walking in to a lions den.
That's what finally made me go no contact btw. Nothing hugely horrendous happened. Just a word or line here or there where I did a double take and thought, hold on, that's a manipulation and not very nice. I was done then, no way would I let someone threaten me like that.
So, if you keep that in mind, that he actually has about zero empathy for how this affects you and hurts you and that he is dangerous to your happiness and wellbeing, that can help your resolve as well. Is he friend or foe? Does he represent good to you or harm to you? He's not your friend, he is not looking out for you, he is looking out for number one (his drug of choice) and himself.
I think, over time (and it can be a few days or a week) we can start to romanticize things, not just relationships, anything we leave, a job for instance. We can tend not to remember the bad and start to focus on the good, which in the great scheme of things, in general, is a good thing, otherwise we would all be really sad all the time lol
Of course that's not perfect in situations like this. With any relationship we also get used to be in contact with the person, that can be a hard habit to break.
Then if you have someone calling or texting you telling you how GOOD this could all be if just this and this were fixed (which you know they could be in a "normal" relationship), that makes it so much harder.
The truth though (which is actually going to set you free!), is that his truth isn't yours. His promises and seemingly normal plans etc etc mean absolutely nothing. In fact, those same promises are what will hurt you. You are still vulnerable to him, he has the ability to hurt you, contact with him is like walking in to a lions den.
That's what finally made me go no contact btw. Nothing hugely horrendous happened. Just a word or line here or there where I did a double take and thought, hold on, that's a manipulation and not very nice. I was done then, no way would I let someone threaten me like that.
So, if you keep that in mind, that he actually has about zero empathy for how this affects you and hurts you and that he is dangerous to your happiness and wellbeing, that can help your resolve as well. Is he friend or foe? Does he represent good to you or harm to you? He's not your friend, he is not looking out for you, he is looking out for number one (his drug of choice) and himself.
He was drinking too. I knew it, but I didn't trust myself until he admitted it. I know this will only get worse the longer I allow it. It's just so frustrating that I keep allowing it.
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