Please tell me I'm not going mad
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: manchester
Posts: 128
Please tell me I'm not going mad
Hi, I was invited to Glasgow by my nephew and wife recently. I paid for the train and hotel. Everything was fine until they had too much. The wife turned utterly vile at dinner. So drunk and passive aggressive. I felt uncomfortable and anxious. We had to go back to the hotel. It was barely 7 in the evening. I got a message saying they were having a snooze. I never saw them again. I messaged in the morning a couple of times saying I was having breakfast and my train was leaving in an hour. I got a message at the station saying they were still in bed with a laughing emoji. They never came to say goodbye and I had come a very long way. I felt quite upset tbh. Not heard anything since and that was 24 hours ago. I didn't reply to their last message. My nephew is the only family I have. I think they were incredibly selfish and rude. They both are very heavy drinkers imo but I've never experienced anything like that. What do you guys think?
thank you in advance x
thank you in advance x
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,703
hi spookyboo. Well I don't think you're going mad. I do personally think their behaviour was incredibly rude.
Drinking or not, no excuse for that.
Since they are your only family and I am guessing you want to keep some contact, I would recommend cutting visits very short and earlier in the day. I'm not sure how far away they live from you or if you were all just visiting Glasgow, but maybe meeting them for breakfast or lunch, going forward, is a better idea. If the drinks are flowing, make it a short get together?
Out of curiosity, when you said you paid for the train and hotel, you just mean for yourself, not for them correct?
Drinking or not, no excuse for that.
Since they are your only family and I am guessing you want to keep some contact, I would recommend cutting visits very short and earlier in the day. I'm not sure how far away they live from you or if you were all just visiting Glasgow, but maybe meeting them for breakfast or lunch, going forward, is a better idea. If the drinks are flowing, make it a short get together?
Out of curiosity, when you said you paid for the train and hotel, you just mean for yourself, not for them correct?
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,944
Yuk! I hate that and my radar gets activated pretty quickly when people at a social event are drinking so much that it makes me uncomfortable.
Alas, it is my discomfort to handle...like you did, I usually just leave as quickly as I can. I take what I learned and yes it affects any future plans I make with the same people. If they are important to me and I honestly want to see them (not operating out of fear, obligation, or guilt - FOG), I try to manage the parameters that I can control - like scheduling a breakfast meet-up, walk, or some activity where alcohol will not be an obvious choice.
Heavy drinkers can indeed be selfish and rude. And I can't hang with people abusing alcohol, I don't enjoy being around drunk aggressive or slurring people because there is no genuine connection going on then.
I also tend to catastrophize and imagine how messed up a person's life must be if this is how much they drink on the regular, but that's a judgement I don't get to make and is a fear-based reaction on my part (based on all the catastrophic things my alcoholic brothers have been through due to drinking!). So I just stay away.
And it's heartbreaking if it's your only family and you feel some affection for your nephew.
Peace,
B.
Alas, it is my discomfort to handle...like you did, I usually just leave as quickly as I can. I take what I learned and yes it affects any future plans I make with the same people. If they are important to me and I honestly want to see them (not operating out of fear, obligation, or guilt - FOG), I try to manage the parameters that I can control - like scheduling a breakfast meet-up, walk, or some activity where alcohol will not be an obvious choice.
Heavy drinkers can indeed be selfish and rude. And I can't hang with people abusing alcohol, I don't enjoy being around drunk aggressive or slurring people because there is no genuine connection going on then.
I also tend to catastrophize and imagine how messed up a person's life must be if this is how much they drink on the regular, but that's a judgement I don't get to make and is a fear-based reaction on my part (based on all the catastrophic things my alcoholic brothers have been through due to drinking!). So I just stay away.
And it's heartbreaking if it's your only family and you feel some affection for your nephew.
Peace,
B.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: manchester
Posts: 128
Hi Trailmix
I should have been clearer. I paid for my own hotel and travel only which amounted to around 250 pounds which is for 1 overnight stay. In answer to your question, my nephew lives around a 2 hour car journey from me so short lunches etc arent possible.
When we've met in the past it's been at their house. His wife always gets absolutely trashed but she goes off to bed and thats it. I cant believe she would get in a state like she did in a different city leaving me alone like that.
Why he abandoned me too I just don't understand. Its like they thought I was nothing or maybe I'm too sensitive. I don't see a way forward and it hurts.
I should have been clearer. I paid for my own hotel and travel only which amounted to around 250 pounds which is for 1 overnight stay. In answer to your question, my nephew lives around a 2 hour car journey from me so short lunches etc arent possible.
When we've met in the past it's been at their house. His wife always gets absolutely trashed but she goes off to bed and thats it. I cant believe she would get in a state like she did in a different city leaving me alone like that.
Why he abandoned me too I just don't understand. Its like they thought I was nothing or maybe I'm too sensitive. I don't see a way forward and it hurts.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: manchester
Posts: 128
Hi Bernadette
thank you for your response. I have been on and off this forum for years. This is the latest in a series of things which keeps bringing me back here.
You are right, it's heartbreaking because alcohol has now taken my only family too.
X
thank you for your response. I have been on and off this forum for years. This is the latest in a series of things which keeps bringing me back here.
You are right, it's heartbreaking because alcohol has now taken my only family too.
X
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,944
Why he abandoned me too I just don't understand. Its like they thought I was nothing or maybe I'm too sensitive. I don't see a way forward and it hurts.
I would be hurt too.
I might let some time pass, and then, if you feel it's important, let your nephew know you're hurting, that the trip was marred for you by the heavy drinking and hangover that prevented you all spending more time together.
Expect a defensive reaction. But maybe after he lets some steam off you can have a connected conversation.
Some language I like is:
"....perhaps I had the incorrect expectations for our get-away, so when the dinner turned into a heavy drinking event it cut short the evening for me, and then I felt abandoned when you couldn't rouse yourself to even meet me for a goodbye tea. The story I told myself is that you were so hungover you couldn't make it? Which just made me feel that alcohol was more important than our time together."
Idk.
These kinds of conversations can be useful for MY healing, but only after I really check my own intentions and expectations for the outcome.
For years I wanted to say just the right thing that would get my brothers to "wake up!" Whatever I thought my version of waking up was, LOL. Now if I say anything at all in situations like this I have to go into it with the expectation that perhaps my hurt will be acknowledged but that their behavior long term will be completely and utterly unaffected.
Peace,
B.
I would be hurt too.
I might let some time pass, and then, if you feel it's important, let your nephew know you're hurting, that the trip was marred for you by the heavy drinking and hangover that prevented you all spending more time together.
Expect a defensive reaction. But maybe after he lets some steam off you can have a connected conversation.
Some language I like is:
"....perhaps I had the incorrect expectations for our get-away, so when the dinner turned into a heavy drinking event it cut short the evening for me, and then I felt abandoned when you couldn't rouse yourself to even meet me for a goodbye tea. The story I told myself is that you were so hungover you couldn't make it? Which just made me feel that alcohol was more important than our time together."
Idk.
These kinds of conversations can be useful for MY healing, but only after I really check my own intentions and expectations for the outcome.
For years I wanted to say just the right thing that would get my brothers to "wake up!" Whatever I thought my version of waking up was, LOL. Now if I say anything at all in situations like this I have to go into it with the expectation that perhaps my hurt will be acknowledged but that their behavior long term will be completely and utterly unaffected.
Peace,
B.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: manchester
Posts: 128
Bernadette, thank you!
it is so difficult to articulate how this made me feel and your words are just great.
I just sloped away without saying a word. I have this idea that other people would have called them out at the time and stood up for themselves but i didnt x
it is so difficult to articulate how this made me feel and your words are just great.
I just sloped away without saying a word. I have this idea that other people would have called them out at the time and stood up for themselves but i didnt x
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,944
Oh I get that feeling! And I think we all have that experience ("l'esprit d'escalier" the French call it - the wit of the staircase!!) where we come up with the PERFECT thing to say after it's too late.
Let that sh*t go - even if you said something directly in the moment there is absolutely zero point when people are intoxicated with trying to have a meaningful back and forth. Usually leads to 2 outcomes: belligerent defensive argument or weepy apologetics. Blech.
It took me decades to learn how much societal "manners" protect the alcoholic. And how there is fairly universal belief among alcoholics and heavy drinkers that they can get a pass for drunk behavior...a sort of, "Whaaaat? I'm sorry! I was wasted! Did I do that? I'm sorry! C'mon, I was drunk, lighten up, you're overreacting, I was out of it...etc."
It can be crazy-making.
Peace,
B.
Let that sh*t go - even if you said something directly in the moment there is absolutely zero point when people are intoxicated with trying to have a meaningful back and forth. Usually leads to 2 outcomes: belligerent defensive argument or weepy apologetics. Blech.
It took me decades to learn how much societal "manners" protect the alcoholic. And how there is fairly universal belief among alcoholics and heavy drinkers that they can get a pass for drunk behavior...a sort of, "Whaaaat? I'm sorry! I was wasted! Did I do that? I'm sorry! C'mon, I was drunk, lighten up, you're overreacting, I was out of it...etc."
It can be crazy-making.
Peace,
B.
we are all learning together...always so much to learn...and we often only learn the hard way right?? LOL! Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,703
Originally Posted by spookyboo22 
it is so difficult to articulate how this made me feel and your words are just great.
I just sloped away without saying a word. I have this idea that other people would have called them out at the time and stood up for themselves but i didnt x
I just sloped away without saying a word. I have this idea that other people would have called them out at the time and stood up for themselves but i didnt x
It is a sad situation. Who knows, maybe he drinks just as much but not in front of you. Since he, at least, can hold it together when they invite you over for dinner, maybe that is the safest route for contact.
I'm sorry that happened to you, what a waste of a potentially wonderful getaway.
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