Torie

I can't go a single day without drinking not one. You are all talking about relapse and that in itself I can't relate to as I drink every day, all day. And have done for years.
I can't go to a doctor, it is not something I can bring myself to do or put on my medical records.
Im in so much pain mentally, and physically everyday is ground hog day. I feel ill and hungover every single day until I take the first drink. Then I just feel sad am almost resigned that this is how I am going to go.

My children would be devastated, yet I can't even stop for them.

I am head in hands, literally broken, want to just end this as it's not really living when you feel like I do every single day.

Please please please tell me I'm not the worst. Currently on just over two bottles of wine every single day and cannot imagine anyone but me drinks such an enormous amount, so no way out is what I'm frightened of.

Thanks for reading

Torie

venuscat

Hello dear Torie,

I was exactly where you are, drinking two bottles of wine (or more) a day and feeling that there was no hope left for me.

And then I came here and posted, and I was no longer alone.
I was surrounded by a community of amazing people who all understood and had been in my shoes.

I found my way out of the hell that we all know only too well, and I know you will, too.

Lean on us. s ❤️❤️

Torie

Thank you so much for responding and not making me feel like an alien/it's only me.
Where did you start with this god awful mess, what can I do to just get the first day, then the second, which is am empty promise I make to myself every single day

RAL

Welcome Torie, you are not alone and it isn't just you. The first step for me is to get all alcohol out of the house, get loads of water and soft drinks and food instead. Stick on SR all day, take care of yourself. the first few days are horrible but it's just a case of getting through it. We've all been there and are here for you. You're in the best place for support and friendship with people who understand.

I'm in the class of September, full of people quitting this month. I post every morning and read all day too.

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...rt-1-a-14.html

Tinkerbeau

Hi Torie

I've been where you are too, drinking that amount too. You are definitely not alone. I had so many day 1's I thought I was a lost cause then something just shifted in me. Its hard but you can beat it. At first some days I just cried though, they were tough but little by little it gets easier and it's so worth it.

venuscat

I am sure that within a few hours, you are going to have a lot of responses on this thread; there are many of us who have been right where you are. s

Like you, I did not feel I could go to my doctor (at first), but I knew that withdrawing on my own was possibly dangerous, and I promised myself that I WOULD call for medical help if I needed to. Please consider that, love. s

What I did was the only thing I was capable of at that time, which was to cut back a tiny bit every day. I went back to two bottles, then the next day one drink less, and so on until after a week, I was down to a bottle and ready to believe I could actually end this nightmare.

And I used an alcohol counselling support line that I could call every day free of charge—I called every day for three weeks, and those counsellors all knew me pretty well by then. And they were all lovely and helpful.

Hodd

Hi Torie, and welcome 🙂 First off, well done for posting and “coming out” about your drinking. In answer to your question above, it’s not really the right question to ask. You’re drinking two bottles a day which is dangerously high. You know this.

Pretty much all of us drank on a daily basis and felt we couldn’t stop. When we did stop, it felt awful for weeks as to be expected after years of drinking, but it does get better. Life improves more than you could believe right now.

I have to comment on one point. I went to my GP about my drinking. They were of some help referring me to counselling, etc., but the fact I’d ‘fessed up to someone in authority was one of the big catalysts that ended my drinking days (4 1/2 years ago). Yes, it’ll be on my medical record that I spoke to my GP about drinking, but it hasn’t affected any area of my life such as life insurance or background checks. Let’s face it, to be a heavy drinker will affect such things. I get nervous when people worry about seeing a GP as drinking excessively is such a terrible waste.

Please give it some thought. It’ll still take willpower to quit and a lot of lifestyle changes, but things need to change. All the best for now 🙂

advbike

You can totally do this Torie, many of us have.

At that quantity I would suggest talking to your doctor or a detox facility, as there is a risk of seizure if you quit cold turkey. They can monitor you and provide medications to ease the discomfort and prevent seizures. Do not fear it being on your records as it would be confidential and and your life is at stake here anyway. It is our alcoholic thinking that wants to put up these barriers to getting help.. Our addiction does not want us to quit!

Some people have been able to taper down before quitting, - say to one bottle.. but obviously that is very difficult for an alcoholic to do. If you want to understand why, and more about this disease, read Alcohol Explained by William Porter.

There is a lot of good news here, though. In my experience, those who drink more heavily, because of the physical addiction, tend to do better at staying quit once they get through the physical withdrawal. Because they never want to go back to it.

Those of us who drank more moderately, as an emotional coping mechanism, often keep relapsing back into it as a coping mechanism, and because we think we can handle having "a few". I am betting that once you quit, you will stay quit. And you will do it!

Please keep posting and reading here. We are here to help you.

Torie

I think my biggest fear is withdrawal. Always promise myself I will drink less the next day and so on, it never happens.
I don't drink spirits but it is a couple of bottles of wine every day and I always feel so ill the next day its just awful.
I am desperately trying to think of a way to get a life back that I've never really had. I'm 40 and have been living this hell for over half my life.
I am truly willing to listen to anyone that can offer advice or support on what worked, I am in the pits and don't want this a minute longer.
I am going to wake up tomorrow again feeling awful, I also have to go to work which means dealing with people, sitting in meetings, and waiting to sprint out of the door at 5pm straight into a shop to buy poison. How can I stop myself from doing that, feels impossible 😪

advbike

Please read what everyone just wrote. You will either have to taper, or see a doctor and get medical detox support, which is by far the best approach. Going from two bottles to none cold turkey can be very dangerous. Of course there are variables such as metabolism, weight, etc, but why risk it? You are doing a wonderful thing for yourself and your children in getting sober.

The reason we can't stick to our commitment (to drink less) is due to the changes that occur to the pre-frontal cortex once we take the first drink again. It happens to all of us. Please do not beat yourself up over it because you have a physical addiction to a substance that is controlling you at the moment.

Dee74

Hi Torie

I was an all day everyday drinker, for years.

I remember feeling the way you do - wanting change, but never seeming to get there, stuck in a loop opening another bottle.
The decision to drink some more didn’t even feel like a choice in the end…it was the default setting.

The SR community saved me. I used to sit here for hours in the beginning, gaining strength for other peoples stories, and from simply trying to help others.

I listened to what other people had done or where doing to stay sober and I did the things I felt I was able to do at that point.

It wasn’t easy…but it helped to know I wasn’t alone.

I’m many years sober now.

None of us - no one - is beyond help, or beyond capacity to change, Torie

D

Thrillhou

I drank way more than that, and sometimes combined it with other stuff. Rest assured you aren't "the worst ever". I'm not the worst ever either. Andre the Giant probably would take that crown.

fishkiller

I drank daily. Lots of alcohol and whatever else. For 30 years.
I'm over 3.5 years sober.

It Can be done.
You Can do it.

This site has been my savior. Read, post, ask questions, talk about what's bugging you.
ANYTHING but drink.

Anna

Hi Torie,

As you can see, you are not alone. We've all been as discouraged as you are now. I hope you make the decision to stop drinking and to change your life. You can do this. It's simple, but not easy. It helped me to change my daily routine, and to come up with ideas of things to do when you really want to drink. It will get easier and you can do this!

Torie

I am going to have a bloody good go. Dying from withdrawal is preferable to living in hell which is where I am right now.
I can't help anyone right now as I'm sick which makes me feel utterly selfish as you have all been very kind and supportive/I'm not the only one which is often how it feels.
I have no idea on how to do this buy I will keep posting and selfishly asking for help

venuscat

You know, doctors understand substance abuse disorder a lot better these days, and there are tons of awesome ones who will not judge. Just a thought. s xx

ThatWasTheOldMe

If you can get through the first few days, you'll start to feel better physically.

DriGuy

Like others here, I've been where you are now. Quitting is the solution, and going without alcohol for a week was a punishing experience, but after that, it started getting better, and instead nagging cravings, I experienced thoughts of drinking, but the thoughts are much easier to deal with and eventually those will pass too, or they will become weak enough to laugh off. There's a wonderful journey that lies ahead, but the first week is a bear. What follows is putting your life back together. That takes effort, but at the same time, it is very rewarding.

Welcome to the group.

zoobadger

I'm in the US, but I would imagine that your doctor is required to maintain confidentiality regarding anything you discuss with him/her. Also, there are probably resources available, for example, in-patient detox that could save your life.

Your employer might be obligated to provide you a brief leave of absence, too.

I completely went through the same thing. Once I detoxed for 10 days in-patient everything was a million times better. I felt hopeful and had started treatment with AA meetings and group therapy. I don't really go to AA meetings anymore, but delving into the program and learning about sobriety was invaluable.

You can get better. There's hope, even if you feel like there's no way out. There really is. And if your family is supportive, tell them what's going on. They want you to get better.

Ravel

I'm sorry you're in this situation, Torie! Your situation is quite similar to mine when I stopped drinking, I had no concept of quitting. I truly wish you had even half the hope I had on the day I quit!

Your life will take a different direction, and to achieve that, sobriety needs to be at the top of your priority list. There was so much for me to learn: about methods, support groups, and myself. I felt overwhelmed and made a lot of mistakes. The fact that I didn't relapse was often just luck.

Start dealing with it. Get active and involved. Ask direct questions. Why not open a second thread and specifically ask for experiences and tips on tapering?

Doesn't it feel great when you read all the responses here? I can still remember all the usernames that replied to my first post. It meant so much to me! It was a great motivation to seek help and connect with others facing the same problem.

I really hope you can develop the hope to quit drinking! And please take the signs of withdrawal seriously. If seeing a doctor is not a viable option, follow what Venuscat said.

Even if you're not ready to quit, Torie, please continue posting! I wish you all the best!