Moving on from alcoholic partner... oh the lies, gaslighting and irresponsibility
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2023
Posts: 8
Moving on from alcoholic partner... oh the lies, gaslighting and irresponsibility
I just found this forum but wish I had known about it months ago.
I met a wonderful man two years ago. He was a restaurant manager (I see this theme a lot... the industry seems to have a lot of alcohol use disorder), he was successful, fit, kind, funny... we would share a bottle of wine and talk all night for months. It wasn't until several months into our relationship that he divulged the information that he had been to rehab 12 years before for alcohol abuse. I'm not sure when he started drinking again, whether it was when he met me or after his divorce. He seemed to be handling it alright... until he wasn't.
He moved in to my home 17 months ago, and life has been chaos ever since. One of his dogs died, then his daughter tried to commit suicide at my house. A month after that they had a big falling out (she's 14) and she hasn't been over since and he's only seen her twice. I noticed alcohol started to disappear in the house, then found alcohol hidden in the house between November and January. I stopped buying it altogether and he wasn't hiding it in the house anymore so I thought he had gotten a handle on his sobriety. I was wrong. His health was declining badly, he gained probably 50 pounds, was lying on the couch all day instead of working (we both work from home, he changed jobs when he moved in with me). He was spontaneously vomiting, I was cleaning up pee in the bathrooms. In March, he crapped himself while my family was over for dinner one night and his behavior was just obnoxious. He developed terrible acid reflux and of course had the tremors. One day in May I walked outside and caught him drinking out of his car. He had been hiding alcohol in his car and everytime he went outside to smoke he was drinking.
My initial reaction was to ask him to move out/break up because I was tired of the sneaking and deceptive behavior. But he went to inpatient detox/rehab. It was rough, the second or third night he had to be taken to the ER because his blood pressure was so high and of course he was on a lot of benzos to suppress his body and try to prevent seizures. He talked his way into being released after 3 weeks and went to a 5 week outpatient treatment program that he finished in June. He made it about a month and relapsed a few weeks ago. I knew he was drinking, I kept asking him and he looked me in the eye and denied it until I found the empty containers in his car.
Last week, I caught him in a couple of more lies and he was back to lying on the couch all day, blowing off work. Then I found another empty can. I told him it was over, and gave him two weeks to move out. He thinks he is clever in hiding the drinking. He goes to the "store" which is a gas station multiple times a day and I assume he drinks what he can there then comes home. But Thursday I was walking by his car in the driveway and saw yet another empty container. He got rid of it though and when I aske dhim how much he had to drink he denied denied denied and told me I was crazy and he didn't know what I thought I saw in his car. Blah blah.... I'm sure many of you have heard this and lived this too.
He's done nothing to pack, so I've packed 70% of his things this weekend. I think he was assuming I was going to back down or give in this time but I'm so done and just want my peaceful life back I had before I met him. He's moving back to his home state to stay with his parents and I've been in contact with his family about the relapse.
It just stinks and Thursday night he actually had me thinking I was the crazy one over the "imaginary can" in his car. This has been one of the hardest decisions/things I had to do and I'm compartmentalizing my feelings all over the place to get through the next week until he's on his way out of my home. I know I should be the one responsible for packing his stuff but if I don't do it he won't.
To everyone else out there living this, you are not alone, even though it feels like it sometimes. I feel like the person I met and fell in love with died. He's just a ghost who I get a glimpse of in the very briefest of moments. I think his rock bottom will be death from drinking. The same thing happened to my best friend 7 years ago, she died from alcohol abuse at the age of 42.
I met a wonderful man two years ago. He was a restaurant manager (I see this theme a lot... the industry seems to have a lot of alcohol use disorder), he was successful, fit, kind, funny... we would share a bottle of wine and talk all night for months. It wasn't until several months into our relationship that he divulged the information that he had been to rehab 12 years before for alcohol abuse. I'm not sure when he started drinking again, whether it was when he met me or after his divorce. He seemed to be handling it alright... until he wasn't.
He moved in to my home 17 months ago, and life has been chaos ever since. One of his dogs died, then his daughter tried to commit suicide at my house. A month after that they had a big falling out (she's 14) and she hasn't been over since and he's only seen her twice. I noticed alcohol started to disappear in the house, then found alcohol hidden in the house between November and January. I stopped buying it altogether and he wasn't hiding it in the house anymore so I thought he had gotten a handle on his sobriety. I was wrong. His health was declining badly, he gained probably 50 pounds, was lying on the couch all day instead of working (we both work from home, he changed jobs when he moved in with me). He was spontaneously vomiting, I was cleaning up pee in the bathrooms. In March, he crapped himself while my family was over for dinner one night and his behavior was just obnoxious. He developed terrible acid reflux and of course had the tremors. One day in May I walked outside and caught him drinking out of his car. He had been hiding alcohol in his car and everytime he went outside to smoke he was drinking.
My initial reaction was to ask him to move out/break up because I was tired of the sneaking and deceptive behavior. But he went to inpatient detox/rehab. It was rough, the second or third night he had to be taken to the ER because his blood pressure was so high and of course he was on a lot of benzos to suppress his body and try to prevent seizures. He talked his way into being released after 3 weeks and went to a 5 week outpatient treatment program that he finished in June. He made it about a month and relapsed a few weeks ago. I knew he was drinking, I kept asking him and he looked me in the eye and denied it until I found the empty containers in his car.
Last week, I caught him in a couple of more lies and he was back to lying on the couch all day, blowing off work. Then I found another empty can. I told him it was over, and gave him two weeks to move out. He thinks he is clever in hiding the drinking. He goes to the "store" which is a gas station multiple times a day and I assume he drinks what he can there then comes home. But Thursday I was walking by his car in the driveway and saw yet another empty container. He got rid of it though and when I aske dhim how much he had to drink he denied denied denied and told me I was crazy and he didn't know what I thought I saw in his car. Blah blah.... I'm sure many of you have heard this and lived this too.
He's done nothing to pack, so I've packed 70% of his things this weekend. I think he was assuming I was going to back down or give in this time but I'm so done and just want my peaceful life back I had before I met him. He's moving back to his home state to stay with his parents and I've been in contact with his family about the relapse.
It just stinks and Thursday night he actually had me thinking I was the crazy one over the "imaginary can" in his car. This has been one of the hardest decisions/things I had to do and I'm compartmentalizing my feelings all over the place to get through the next week until he's on his way out of my home. I know I should be the one responsible for packing his stuff but if I don't do it he won't.
To everyone else out there living this, you are not alone, even though it feels like it sometimes. I feel like the person I met and fell in love with died. He's just a ghost who I get a glimpse of in the very briefest of moments. I think his rock bottom will be death from drinking. The same thing happened to my best friend 7 years ago, she died from alcohol abuse at the age of 42.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2023
Posts: 142
You have done the right thing to reach out here, StarsandStones, because in the fog of the alcoholic relationship we do lose all sense of reality, and need the input of others who understand what has happened to us.
Please do not judge yourself harshly for this 2 year episode in your life. It is a classic story of falling in love with someone who is addicted, and it takes many events, many hard times, before we realize things are not going to change, will not improve, and that we need to get away.
Yes, the restaurant business....a lot of addiction.
I wish you well, and hope this upcoming week is not too traumatic. If you have a friend who can stand by you during the move-out, please ask for that help and support. Ask that friend to be present.
It is likely he will be back in your life after a few months, after rehab, detox, bottoming, whatever is next. He might sound like the man you fell in love with.
Please reach out for sane wisdom here if that happens!
Please do not judge yourself harshly for this 2 year episode in your life. It is a classic story of falling in love with someone who is addicted, and it takes many events, many hard times, before we realize things are not going to change, will not improve, and that we need to get away.
Yes, the restaurant business....a lot of addiction.
I wish you well, and hope this upcoming week is not too traumatic. If you have a friend who can stand by you during the move-out, please ask for that help and support. Ask that friend to be present.
It is likely he will be back in your life after a few months, after rehab, detox, bottoming, whatever is next. He might sound like the man you fell in love with.
Please reach out for sane wisdom here if that happens!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2023
Posts: 8
Thank you, LucyIntheGarden. It is lonely and isolating being in love with an addict. Especially when their family doesn't understand or have very much experience or knowledge of addiction, depression, etc.
My sister will be here for the move-out and it is continuing to progress. I have no doubt he'll try to come back or show back up in my life, I'm prepared and definitely will be back for support if needed.
My sister will be here for the move-out and it is continuing to progress. I have no doubt he'll try to come back or show back up in my life, I'm prepared and definitely will be back for support if needed.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
Dear Stars
SO glad you found us, and SO glad he's moving out.
I've been in recovery for almost 10 years. We are always a work in progress, One benefit of my recovery is, if I spot red flags next to the rabbit holes, I don't ignore them any more. They can be hard to spot sometimes. There is nothing wrong with being picky about who we let into our lives.
SO glad you found us, and SO glad he's moving out.
I've been in recovery for almost 10 years. We are always a work in progress, One benefit of my recovery is, if I spot red flags next to the rabbit holes, I don't ignore them any more. They can be hard to spot sometimes. There is nothing wrong with being picky about who we let into our lives.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 674
I am also glad that you found this wonderful forum. Loving an alcoholic is pure hell, and I remember feeling like I was losing my mind because I was being told that what I knew to be true was not. We have all experienced this and over the years I have taken comfort in knowing that I am not at all crazy.
Wishing you the best during the upcoming move. Your home should be your sanctuary, a place where you feel calm and happy. I hope that you will soon feel this way.
Wishing you the best during the upcoming move. Your home should be your sanctuary, a place where you feel calm and happy. I hope that you will soon feel this way.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 565
Hi Stars
Welcome to the club you never wanted to join. You will find many similar stories here, and lots of support and encouragement!
I'm very sorry you have been through the wringer with your alcoholic ex. I, too, was in my 40s following a divorce when I got back together with an old boyfriend who, unbeknownst to me, had become a raging alcoholic in the intervening 20 years. We lasted 3 years during which I experienced many horrors similar to what you describe. Thankfully I never let mine move in, but breaking up was excruciating nonetheless.
About 5 years after the final break which included going NO CONTACT, I got the dreaded message from his mother that he was dead at 53 from liver failure. I am forever grateful that I did not have a front row seat to that.
Stay strong.
SQ
Welcome to the club you never wanted to join. You will find many similar stories here, and lots of support and encouragement!
I'm very sorry you have been through the wringer with your alcoholic ex. I, too, was in my 40s following a divorce when I got back together with an old boyfriend who, unbeknownst to me, had become a raging alcoholic in the intervening 20 years. We lasted 3 years during which I experienced many horrors similar to what you describe. Thankfully I never let mine move in, but breaking up was excruciating nonetheless.
About 5 years after the final break which included going NO CONTACT, I got the dreaded message from his mother that he was dead at 53 from liver failure. I am forever grateful that I did not have a front row seat to that.
Stay strong.
SQ
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
