alexeleanor

I recently called off my wedding that was happening in 3 months. My partner had been dealing with some kind of alcohol dependency/addiction for at least 3 of the 5 years we've been together. It caused a lot of rage, aggression, and verbal abuse on her part which became increasingly worse over time, culminating with her having an episode of rage hours before our wedding shower. She really left me no choice but to cancel that which lead me to the decision to cancel our wedding because it became so very clear she needs help. I have cut off communication for the time being and canceled our wedding - she has now admitted to being an alcoholic to me and her family and says that the rage and aggression were in times of intoxication, coming down from intoxication, or when she was craving alcohol. I'm very happy for her to admit that and she said she is seeking help - my question is about navigating any type of relationship at this time. I don't want to let her slip back into old habits, and I don't want to provide false hope, or be manipulated back into a relationship that isn't healthy - but I also love this person so much and would love to help them through this in a healthy way I'm just not sure if its better to let them navigate this on their own or be involved in some way.

If anyone has been through anything similar or just has any kind of advice - I'd love to hear other perspectives.

choublak

The healthiest way to help them is to let them do it all on their own.

trailmix

Hi Alex, sorry it came to this, I'm sure it's very hurtful.

I hope you will read around the forum, you will find many stories of people in similar situations and learn a lot about addiction.

First things first, you didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's). I'm sure you do love her and what you have done, by calling off the wedding is hopeful for you, you do have to protect yourself.

She has admitted she is an alcoholic, that is a good first step. It's not all that unusual though, many alcoholics will state they are. But it's just a teeny first step. There is sobriety (if she chooses that) and there is recovery, two very, very different things. Sobriety is putting that drug down. Recovery is about discovering why you drink in the first place and healing from the damage it has done, you have done and never using that drug again.

Alcoholism is never cured, it can only be in remission and only with never drinking again (not even one).

So, sobriety and recovery are tall orders. Perhaps your best course is to let her do her thing. This is about her, not you. She has to make that decision, she has to take action. Action, not words. She may be ready to quit, but it's just as likely she isn't ready to quit. Time will tell.

Protect yourself. I don't know what your situation is, but if you two were planning on having children, alcoholics make terrible parents (understatement). Perhaps you can revisit the relationship in a year or so (if she stays sober, hopefully with some professional help). In the meantime no contact is probably a good choice for you, at least for several weeks, to enable you to really see this clearly.

alexeleanor

Thank you for your response - it's very much appreciated and helps bring some clarity to the situation.

velma929

Episodes of rage, aggression and verbal abuse ought to be red flags to a partner of what's to come - and that's true no matter what the cause of those actions. Don't be led astray by thinking "Oh, but she has a disease! Other people have abandoned her but *I* won't. I'll help her through this." Self esteem comes from within- (hence the modifier "self") Whatever precipitated the drinking has to be dealth with - by her.

I suspect that not only is no contact healthier for you - for her it can be a wake-up call to what her actions have cost her.

Eauchiche

Dear Alex
So glad you cancelled the wedding and reached out here.
I belong to an Alanon group of guys, among whom are several who have been in long term marriages to alcoholics.
The suffering they endure is mind boggling.

I am encouraged that you had the presence of mind to make this decision. I hope you will also give AlAnon a try. There are in person and online groups you can attend.

dbyrer

"...the rage and aggression were in times of intoxication, coming down from intoxication, or when she was craving alcohol." So all the time! Sorry, that made me laugh a little bit. Choublak's post is 1 million percent right.