Dietcokeaddict

My husband was sober for 20years. Now he drinks secretly, tries to stay sober for a week or a month or whatever . . . That has been going on for about two years? He has a deeply passive personality, does not instigate conflict with me, is responsible with money, does every adult thing in an adult way as far as his career goes or taking care of our home.

On the credit card statement that was lying open on the table, there was a charge for a liquor store. It was the second bit of evidence in three weeks that I had seen of him drinking again, again. I went to him and pointed at it, and he said, "oh, I went back out" - just like he said he was going to take a shower or walk the dog or something.

I was angry, told him it doesn't matter what he does, I don't know why I even asked. He sat with head low, looking like a little boy who did something wrong. I genuinely have barely any feelings about it or him, I just want someone to tell me what is going on. Is it any surprise to anyone that I have grown indifferent? But I do want to know w h at is going on. Do I have any right at all to ask him? To check if he is going to aa? To see if he is staying sober.Or not? I.am tired of this, mostly because i am tired of him as a whole.

I have no hope for our relationship due to other complexities. I do hope he can get right somehow, but I know I can't help him at this point, just don't want to make anything worse for him. I've already tried telling him he is loved, important, wonderful, valuable. What I do or say can't compare with how alcohol makes him feel. And the fact that our relationship is dead from utter neglect means I doubt that things I say have weight for him.

​​​​​​On a deep level, he is self destructive. He tries over and over again, with some success, to be fit and eat right and not drink. Constantly fighting himself. We both had normal, loving lives growing up. His career success has been wonderful, steady, he has so many strengths. In younger days, I fought with him and tried to shape him into my idea of a good man, a good father. He resents me for always picking on him, but I believe we have both given up entirely on anything we had together now. He tells me he loves me, but I don't know why he bothers to say it. I think he could be happier without me and we will divorce.

I am probably just looking for somewhere to tell this story. But also wondering if there are other quiet alcoholics like him, who seem like they will always be in a fight against themselves and slowly implode? And do I get to know what is going on, or do I accept a role as nothing in this fight of his?

edoering

My ex was a quiet type (drugs and alcohol). Clean and sober for 7 years, an actually very sweet and caring and capable person. Also always paying his bills and holding down his job like a “mature” adult. Very smart. It’s absolutely possible to have someone who battled addiction and mental illness but doesn’t express the loud/aggressive behaviors we often hear about.

Addiction often co-occurs with mental health disorders like depression. And self-loathing does seem to be a common issue with most addicts, whether loud or quiet.

I personally don’t think my ex is always destined to fight himself and implode—I think it depends on him. I’ve seen him happy and healthy, and I’ve seen him self-loathing and self-destructing. His life will be what he chooses to make of it.

In my experience, we aren’t entitled to any roles in anyone else’s life, though they may want us in their lives in a variety of roles. You are welcome to know what’s going on with his consent, if he wants you to know. If he doesn’t want you to know, you can’t control that. But you get to decide what you’re willing to accept in your life. Like, you can’t make him welcome your help, but you can choose to only be in relationships with people who embrace your help—things like that. Boundaries do not change others, they’re for us.

For what it’s worth, in my experience fighting with them doesn’t help or change anything. I fought his demons together with my ex for about a year, and it did prolong the eventual implosion, but it didn’t stop it. Addiction was like this black hole that sucked everything hopeful and loving and positive that we did, and just ate it all up until there was none left, and I almost lost myself along the way, too. He let me help, and it still didn’t “save” us.

Dietcokeaddict

Thank you for sharing this. It really helps me to hear it, although I am so sad for you and your former partner and what you both went through. So many hard things in life. I appreciate what you said about boundaries.

FWN

I'm sorry for what brings you here dietcokeaddict. As I read your post, I saw a lot of me in you. So much effort figuring out the AH. So much time and energy and emotion wondering and caring about him and what/if you should do to help.

Something that really helped me was realizing I needed to check on ME. Did I want this life? Was I happy? Was I doing ok? Is this the life that I wanted? Was anyone caring/loving/putting in REMOTELY the same energy on me in this relationship. Once I did that assessment, the answer was a RESOUNDING NO. Looking at your life through that lens may help you and motivate yourself to take care of you. To help you crawl out of the personal prison you're living in with a person who isn't even asking for your help and doesn't care what's happening to you in this relationship.

Just my 2 cents. It sucks and I'm sorry. This place changed my life so keep posting and reading and turning inward asking yourself big, hard questions so maybe you can find happiness for yourself. Your kids would like to see that too I'm sure.

needuall

Thank you for this post dietcokeaddict and all responses. I can understand you want answers to your situation but you are dealing with an irrational, complex and unpredictable disease that changes the addict's brain- we do not know how much damage has been done. It feels like I am being pulled into the disease when I try to figure out the addict - I know rationally I can't. I think we can loose ourselves to this disease with too much focus on the addict.
I think it is their responsibility to manage their disease and part of that is treating others the way they deserve to be treated.

RunningScared

Of course, there are alcoholics like him. The important thing, if you are considering divorce, is to prepare yourself. Especially finances. Have your own accounts with money saved up.

Dietcokeaddict

If he is secretly drinking, tries to be sober every few days and wants to be sober, is not ruining family life or occasions, treats me fine ( his negligence is more just a way of life at this point). . . Am I even justified at being angry? At wanting the drinking to end? We are so distant from each other that I no longer expect to do much with him. I don't miss his company most of the time. Affection of any sort is a thing of the past.

It basically just burns me up that he is willing to risk his valuable brain (such a smart man) possibly ruin his health (he has a heart condition and has alwAys been under doctor's orders not to drink), risk his job if it gets worse, make our daughter worry, not have the means to keep her in school/support her (he is a high earner but I am not) if he screws up his job. I cannot stand that he waste s his own life and health when he is worth y of a life with out this extra level of struggle and the mental torture he puts himself through.

And for myself, I hate being tricked and kept in the dark. I hate him taking a bottle to my family's gatherings, even if they don't realize he is dr unk. I hate me . . . I don't have any reward to offer if stays sober because i definitely have very little love or affection or future happiness to offer him.
​​​​​​

I think the level of anger I feel maybe is senseless, when I consider how bad it could be and what other people go through. And am I more angry just because our lives aren't what they used to be, and aren't going to be, whether he gets sober or not?

trailmix

It's probably all those things.

I think you may be focusing more on what he's doing to himself than horrible mess he has made within your family, for you and your Daughter.

You have hooked your wagon to his, if he decides not to pull his wagon (go to work or he gets a DUI or does something else harmful) where does that leave you.

So of course he is hurting all of you. Less focus on him and more focus on you is the key there. A plan would help. A worse case scenario plan. He loses his job and is having a hard time finding another, what are you going to do.

First, a visit to a lawyer is in order, just a consultation to see where you stand legally and financially. Then, a roof over your head, do you have to sell your house, where can you live? Is there a way you can up your earnings. Small steps, the house isn't on fire, you have time to plan. You may never use the plan, but until you make one you are just sitting there at his whim, or alcohol's whim.

It is hurting you.

SparkleKitty

I don't find a lot of mileage in questioning the value of my own anger. It's trying to tell me something. Usually, that a situation or circumstance that I am in is unacceptable to me, whether for the short- or the long-term. I try to focus on how I am not respecting myself and how I can remedy that state of being.

Live

Thank you!!!

ToughChoices

I think your anger is sensible. It's crazy-making to be tied to someone who is actively lying to everyone (including himself) while he poisons himself to death. When someone lies to me and denies their own worth, I feel anger. That anger is generally a sign that action needs to be taken on my part.

The tricky part about anger in addiction is that it achieves NOTHING for the addict. All of your white hot, totally justified, anger cannot make him stop drinking. It can make you assess your situation to determine if it is one in which you'd like to continue.

Accepting my ex-spouse's chronic, progressive alcoholism for what it was (a fatal disease when untreated), allowed me to mourn the relationship/life I thought I was signing up for, and move into the life that I actually have. It was sad and upsetting to say goodbye to many of the dreams that I had fostered about our time together, but it was necessary. Today my life is beautiful. Not perfect by any stretch, but blessed and full of love and honesty and grace.

Don't tell yourself that because other people "have it worse" you don't have a right to your feelings. You absolutely do. You can decide to stay with him as he slides into alcoholic illness, or you can decide to leave and make your way independently while he slides into alcoholic illness. Either way, his alcoholic illness is there and TERRIBLE. You can be angry and upset because this situation is TERRIBLE. Losing people to addiction, long or short term, is tragic, so it is appropriate to feel crappy right now.

I hope that you can let that pain and anger move you into the kind of action that will be beneficial for your precious spirit.

TiredCarpenter

Hi.
Yeah, no one is at fault here. We are people. Each of us have some challenging thing in our persona.

Your husband, as you describe him, is very similar to me.
It’ll take a bunch of time for him to get sorted, if ever.

I too relapsed (Jan 2014) after over 20 years sober. (20 years, 3 months, and 3 weeks).
I’ve struggled for about 9 years. I am currently about 12 days shy of one year sober.

AA is never going to be the answer for me now, even though it had been for 20+ years.
I had an “old-timer” talk about how he’d seen many people relapse after 20 or 25 years, and not one of them “made-it”. I walked over, shook his hand and said” I’ll be the S.O.B. that does” .
He didn’t like me. 😀🤣
Anyway….in my experience, once you’ve stopped “drinking the AA kool-aid” there is no more magic in it.

I found answers in “This Naked Mind” by Annie Grace. (keep reading please)
I’m also quite intelligent (150 ish for IQ).
Annie Grace has a good, but frustrating, way of writing.
I had to keep an open mind, read every word, in order, (except for the testimonials at the beginning),

She makes lofty promises about “re-tuning” (if you will) the way our brain processes our outlook in regards to alcohol.
I was skeptical at first. Surprisingly, SHE DELIVERS.
I’ve been sober since!
This coming from the consummate skeptic and critic.

He can only change and grow when he gets past whatever emotional stuff is returning him to the bottle OR decides wholeheartedly, regardless of emotion and circumstance that alcohol has no place in his life.

I’m glad that he is mild and non-aggressive. It sounds like you care about him.
Don’t tie your well-being to him or his actions.
Do what you must for you. Give him whatever support you are pleased to give, but don’t expect anything.

I don’t know if any of this is helpful.

take care. Be well.

dbyrer

You realize you say something like "can I be angry if his drinking isn't even hurting me?" and then you have three paragraphs about how his drinking is hurting you? This is your one life and being married to an active alcoholic is not the best it can be.