A long road to get to more pain. Is there a detour I'm missing?
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Join Date: Mar 2023
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A long road to get to more pain. Is there a detour I'm missing?
I've been with the same man for just shy of nine years. I knew he was an alcoholic going into the relationship, but I was coming off a divorce with physical abuse and infidelity on his part, a sexual assault from a stranger shortly after trying to start dating again, and he man who is now my A-EX was kind, gentle, didn't pressure me, and our daughters were friends. I was happy to have found him. I had zero prior knowledge of being in any kind of a relationship with someone with an addiction, so, I went in completely ignorant. We moved in together after maybe 6 months, and I'm ashamed to admit I started drinking too in what I now believe was my attempt to normalize or make his drinking "ok". It was far from ok. I used the drinking as a way to cope with the trauma of my recent past, and I often became angry when drunk. He drank as a constant. We totally enabled each other. And we were either in massive love or fighting.
When we fought, he would leave. At first it was not long, but then it got longer and more frequent. He would basically go to a hotel by his work and binge drink, and I now also know gamble as the casino across the street. I would be so broken and miserable when he left, it didn't matter what the fight was about, I would give in and beg him to come home. This became a regular thing. I had major trust issues too from my past, of which he said he understood and would do what made me comfortable, and I wasn't comfortable with social media. When he was with me, it was oh yeah, it's stupid, I'm glad to not be on it, but the minute he left, he was on a new account.
During this time I began to develop a very serious chronic illness, which made me very sick and changed my physical ability to do a lot, and was in pain quite often. Eventually, the drinking became too much for me and the kids, and while he had left me yet again, I got sober, and have been for 4 years now. I should probably mention we had tried AA meetings, alternative programs, church, and he got fired for not coming to work because he was drunk and did an IOP to get his job back.
Shortly after I got sober, he did too. We both worked really hard at it, and our lives were so much better. The kids were happy, we didn't fight, we were able to buy a house, have money in savings, and generally enjoyed being together. We were best friends who talked all day and couldn't wait to come home and cuddle.
And then the unthinkable happened. Seriously, this is the God's honest truth, he won a million dollars off a scratch off lottery ticket. Wow! I was so happy to not have to worry about losing everything if I couldn't work anymore. We made plans to pay the debts off and talked about a wonderful future. Until he told his best friend who just happens to be a huge gambling addict. It started with a baseball game, no biggie. But we fought, and $19000 gambled later that day, and here we go. So we start counseling, and he says his biggest issue is that he wants to be able to hang out with his friends and not feel guilty. Ok, I get that. I own I have insecurities, and am willing to really work on this. I expressed I didn't really enjoy this friend, but I would trust my man. They start hanging out together pretty regularly, and I am not thrilled, but since I am not able to do a whole lot, I get wanting to go out. Then we start getting a ton of credit card and loan applications. Hmmm. And I start to ask if I can join the fellas for a basketball game or pizza, whatever, and weeeelllll, there's always an excuse. I'm thinking he's embarrassed to be out with me because of my disability and start to get really down. One night he shows me something on TikTok, and I'm like WTF, I didn't know you're on social media. He tells me I don't understand how it works, like I'm slow, and gets mad. The next morning, I get up, he's still asleep as he got fired from his job after winning the lottery (not letting me cut back my 45+hour a week schedule), and has no job, and I open his wallet sitting next to the toilet. And there's a casino VIP card. So, I calmly ask him if this is what he and his buddy gambling addict Carl have really been doing, he says yes, jumps up leaves, and never moves back.
He got his own place, and is drinking again now too, and at the casino all day everyday. He still wants to be with me though, but he wants to live this life, and spend time with just him and his daughter, blah blah. Ok, so I try. And it's not horrible at first. But I don't trust anyone drunk at a casino with eligible women walking around. And it's clear he's got a major problem. But he still takes me to doctor appointments, talks to me daily, still loves me, etc.
Fast forward. He's burned through every cent except half he paid on the house. No savings left, no investments, loans and credit cards like crazy, now he's $40,000 in debt, drinking, no job, and very very depressed. I tried so hard, gave it everything I had to encourage him to get help. He wanted nothing more than his daughter to come live with him after highschool. I begged him to do it for her if not me. He tells me how he doesn't understand how someone so wonderful as me could love him. I plead with him to get into recovery, turn this around. We know what the good times are. And he dumped me. Dumped me over a text. I now also know he has someone new, and probably had for 8 months, despite him swearing that wasn't it, he just couldn't get his life together and had to concentrate on that. And I found out about them by my daughter seeing a picture on Facebook of my now EX and his new girl, who BTW, met me, knew we were together, that I'm sick, and alas, didn't care. He even came to me for money because things are so bad, but made it clear he didn't want to be with me. I didn't give him any. His Dad also just died, and this was before I knew he was moved on, and I text him daily to check in, make sure he was doing ok, etc. Nothing too much, but a friend. And the final insult, his daughter, who was basically my stepdaughter from 9 to 18 ignored me when I text her congratulations on graduating and how proud me and the kids are of her and what a wonderful young lady she's become. But she's all smiles in the picture with the new girlfriend. He took her to the graduation. That was the picture my daughter showed me that I found out about them.
I am gutted. I gave him my life, my heart and soul for almost a decade. I was with him through the good and bad times. I'm fairly certain he moved on because I drew a line in the sand and said get serious recovery or you can't come back, and he's probably going to lose his home, car and everything else. And the addictions still won out. I was also hoping that this would be his rock bottom, losing everything, and now the 10 year younger version of me with a daughter the same age as when our girls met, has swooped in and made bottom a cushiony fun place, as she drinks too, and wait for it....she's a psychiatric nurse!!!! I guess she's going to fix him as he's posting likes to a church and recovery centers now. (I have to ask people to stop telling me about Facebook).
I don't know how to make the pain stop. I waited for this time in our lives when the kids would go to college and we would travel and enjoy time together, just us. We talked about it fondly constantly. And now it's all gone. He left me basically feeling like a piece of dog poop that gets white because it's so old, and cracked and broken, like I am physically and emotionally. I'm not 36 anymore, unlike the new girlfriend, I'm 46, and as my past shows, dating and finding someone is probably not going to go well, so I'm looking down the barrel of gun loaded with a whole lot of loneliness.
Sorry for the book. I needed to tell my side of the story. He's obviously telling another one if his daughter is ignoring me because I haven't done anything mean or vindictive. I haven't done anything than encourage him that he was a good person and was strong enough to get sober and past the gambling addiction. Apparently that makes one a bad guy.
Overall, I realize it's done. There's no coming back once he's been with someone else in my book. But I don't know how to get past the pain and I guess addiction to him. I've become so accustomed to him leaving and coming back, I am in withdrawal from the high his return always brought. I can not pick up a drink, but I don't know how to shut my mind and feelings off.
When we fought, he would leave. At first it was not long, but then it got longer and more frequent. He would basically go to a hotel by his work and binge drink, and I now also know gamble as the casino across the street. I would be so broken and miserable when he left, it didn't matter what the fight was about, I would give in and beg him to come home. This became a regular thing. I had major trust issues too from my past, of which he said he understood and would do what made me comfortable, and I wasn't comfortable with social media. When he was with me, it was oh yeah, it's stupid, I'm glad to not be on it, but the minute he left, he was on a new account.
During this time I began to develop a very serious chronic illness, which made me very sick and changed my physical ability to do a lot, and was in pain quite often. Eventually, the drinking became too much for me and the kids, and while he had left me yet again, I got sober, and have been for 4 years now. I should probably mention we had tried AA meetings, alternative programs, church, and he got fired for not coming to work because he was drunk and did an IOP to get his job back.
Shortly after I got sober, he did too. We both worked really hard at it, and our lives were so much better. The kids were happy, we didn't fight, we were able to buy a house, have money in savings, and generally enjoyed being together. We were best friends who talked all day and couldn't wait to come home and cuddle.
And then the unthinkable happened. Seriously, this is the God's honest truth, he won a million dollars off a scratch off lottery ticket. Wow! I was so happy to not have to worry about losing everything if I couldn't work anymore. We made plans to pay the debts off and talked about a wonderful future. Until he told his best friend who just happens to be a huge gambling addict. It started with a baseball game, no biggie. But we fought, and $19000 gambled later that day, and here we go. So we start counseling, and he says his biggest issue is that he wants to be able to hang out with his friends and not feel guilty. Ok, I get that. I own I have insecurities, and am willing to really work on this. I expressed I didn't really enjoy this friend, but I would trust my man. They start hanging out together pretty regularly, and I am not thrilled, but since I am not able to do a whole lot, I get wanting to go out. Then we start getting a ton of credit card and loan applications. Hmmm. And I start to ask if I can join the fellas for a basketball game or pizza, whatever, and weeeelllll, there's always an excuse. I'm thinking he's embarrassed to be out with me because of my disability and start to get really down. One night he shows me something on TikTok, and I'm like WTF, I didn't know you're on social media. He tells me I don't understand how it works, like I'm slow, and gets mad. The next morning, I get up, he's still asleep as he got fired from his job after winning the lottery (not letting me cut back my 45+hour a week schedule), and has no job, and I open his wallet sitting next to the toilet. And there's a casino VIP card. So, I calmly ask him if this is what he and his buddy gambling addict Carl have really been doing, he says yes, jumps up leaves, and never moves back.
He got his own place, and is drinking again now too, and at the casino all day everyday. He still wants to be with me though, but he wants to live this life, and spend time with just him and his daughter, blah blah. Ok, so I try. And it's not horrible at first. But I don't trust anyone drunk at a casino with eligible women walking around. And it's clear he's got a major problem. But he still takes me to doctor appointments, talks to me daily, still loves me, etc.
Fast forward. He's burned through every cent except half he paid on the house. No savings left, no investments, loans and credit cards like crazy, now he's $40,000 in debt, drinking, no job, and very very depressed. I tried so hard, gave it everything I had to encourage him to get help. He wanted nothing more than his daughter to come live with him after highschool. I begged him to do it for her if not me. He tells me how he doesn't understand how someone so wonderful as me could love him. I plead with him to get into recovery, turn this around. We know what the good times are. And he dumped me. Dumped me over a text. I now also know he has someone new, and probably had for 8 months, despite him swearing that wasn't it, he just couldn't get his life together and had to concentrate on that. And I found out about them by my daughter seeing a picture on Facebook of my now EX and his new girl, who BTW, met me, knew we were together, that I'm sick, and alas, didn't care. He even came to me for money because things are so bad, but made it clear he didn't want to be with me. I didn't give him any. His Dad also just died, and this was before I knew he was moved on, and I text him daily to check in, make sure he was doing ok, etc. Nothing too much, but a friend. And the final insult, his daughter, who was basically my stepdaughter from 9 to 18 ignored me when I text her congratulations on graduating and how proud me and the kids are of her and what a wonderful young lady she's become. But she's all smiles in the picture with the new girlfriend. He took her to the graduation. That was the picture my daughter showed me that I found out about them.
I am gutted. I gave him my life, my heart and soul for almost a decade. I was with him through the good and bad times. I'm fairly certain he moved on because I drew a line in the sand and said get serious recovery or you can't come back, and he's probably going to lose his home, car and everything else. And the addictions still won out. I was also hoping that this would be his rock bottom, losing everything, and now the 10 year younger version of me with a daughter the same age as when our girls met, has swooped in and made bottom a cushiony fun place, as she drinks too, and wait for it....she's a psychiatric nurse!!!! I guess she's going to fix him as he's posting likes to a church and recovery centers now. (I have to ask people to stop telling me about Facebook).
I don't know how to make the pain stop. I waited for this time in our lives when the kids would go to college and we would travel and enjoy time together, just us. We talked about it fondly constantly. And now it's all gone. He left me basically feeling like a piece of dog poop that gets white because it's so old, and cracked and broken, like I am physically and emotionally. I'm not 36 anymore, unlike the new girlfriend, I'm 46, and as my past shows, dating and finding someone is probably not going to go well, so I'm looking down the barrel of gun loaded with a whole lot of loneliness.
Sorry for the book. I needed to tell my side of the story. He's obviously telling another one if his daughter is ignoring me because I haven't done anything mean or vindictive. I haven't done anything than encourage him that he was a good person and was strong enough to get sober and past the gambling addiction. Apparently that makes one a bad guy.
Overall, I realize it's done. There's no coming back once he's been with someone else in my book. But I don't know how to get past the pain and I guess addiction to him. I've become so accustomed to him leaving and coming back, I am in withdrawal from the high his return always brought. I can not pick up a drink, but I don't know how to shut my mind and feelings off.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,703
Wow, such a rollercoaster, I'm so sorry you have been through all of that, .
First things first, this isn't actually about you. That might be hard to accept. You're in a long term relationship with an addict, when he was sober all was well, then the money win.
Alcoholics want to drink. There are many people who do get in to recovery, even very long term recovery, he is not, to this point, one of them. As you know, it's something that has to be kept foremost in their mind, every day, people also go back to drinking, every day. He is now back in active addiction to both alcohol and gambling.
Nothing and I mean nothing can compete with that. Not you or your child or the great life you were having up until he picked up his addictions again.
Who in their right mind would gamble away a million plus dollars, leave their wife and child and haunt the casinos and bars? Well he's not in his "right mind" so you can't really make logical sense out of it.
The new girlfriend is really just a distraction probably. He can't be alone, so there is her - who likes to drink. So there is no threat - yet to that mighty addiction, when that happens, that relationship will be over too. She is a psych nurse, she knows about addictions, but, she may well be an alcoholic herself.
You are not old, or cracked or broken! You may feel like it right now, but trust me, you aren't (and please don't say that to yourself, please be kind to yourself). It is going to take time to heal from this, but it is progressive, you get a little bit better all the time. The absolute best thing you can do for yourself is to take care of yourself, eat well, sleep when you can. Try to do fun things (even if you don't feel like it), be around people you love and that love you.
You were clear that you didn't want the active addict back with you and that is what he is. Sometimes boundaries are hard to hold to, but you have and you are not wrong.
First things first, this isn't actually about you. That might be hard to accept. You're in a long term relationship with an addict, when he was sober all was well, then the money win.
Alcoholics want to drink. There are many people who do get in to recovery, even very long term recovery, he is not, to this point, one of them. As you know, it's something that has to be kept foremost in their mind, every day, people also go back to drinking, every day. He is now back in active addiction to both alcohol and gambling.
Nothing and I mean nothing can compete with that. Not you or your child or the great life you were having up until he picked up his addictions again.
Who in their right mind would gamble away a million plus dollars, leave their wife and child and haunt the casinos and bars? Well he's not in his "right mind" so you can't really make logical sense out of it.
The new girlfriend is really just a distraction probably. He can't be alone, so there is her - who likes to drink. So there is no threat - yet to that mighty addiction, when that happens, that relationship will be over too. She is a psych nurse, she knows about addictions, but, she may well be an alcoholic herself.
You are not old, or cracked or broken! You may feel like it right now, but trust me, you aren't (and please don't say that to yourself, please be kind to yourself). It is going to take time to heal from this, but it is progressive, you get a little bit better all the time. The absolute best thing you can do for yourself is to take care of yourself, eat well, sleep when you can. Try to do fun things (even if you don't feel like it), be around people you love and that love you.
You were clear that you didn't want the active addict back with you and that is what he is. Sometimes boundaries are hard to hold to, but you have and you are not wrong.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,703
Originally Posted by Airbear23 
I can not pick up a drink, but I don't know how to shut my mind and feelings off.
Read around the forum, many find reading experiences similar to theirs and the replies, very comforting.
Maybe visit the Newcomers to recovery forum as well and ask them how they cope with things when they are no longer drinking. They are a great and wise bunch of people and will probably have some really good suggestions on that.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...mers-recovery/
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2023
Posts: 15
Thank you very much for replying to my post. I appreciate what you said. I will try to be kinder to myself. It's been hell, and I'm trying to hold on and stay above water. It's all just a lot, and very painful. I hope I'm done discovering new deceits and can place this long patch for the quilt of my life wrapped carefully in tissue paper with the other patches, and put the lid on the box until the time comes to piece it all back together as one big beautiful creation that was my life.
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Join Date: Sep 2021
Posts: 148
It is concerning that the only alternative you see for yourself to having this train wreck in your life is "staring down the barrel of loneliness". Maybe put a moratorium on any type of romantic entanglement for a year while you just work on healing and recovering yourself from the last decade of turmoil. See who comes out the other side. I'd lay even money (sorry, couldn't help it) your chronic illness will actually improve, too.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,703
Originally Posted by Airbear23
Yes, I have no intention of getting in a relationship with anyone anytime soon. I guess my point was I don't even see a future where that will be a viable option.
Well, now is the time to think about what you want and need perhaps? Think not just about what you provide and give but what you want/need from another person, should you ever decide to get in to another relationship. What do they give to you?
I don't mean that in a selfish way at all, just that in order to be content, we probably all have things we need. Important things like, financial security, a decent home to live in, food on the table - then outside that, things you like to do. Maybe you like pottery or love to travel or jet ski or crochet. Are these things that you can realistically see working in your life with this other person.
So just some things to ponder. Also being around people you love, your family, your friends. You may have become very isolated while with the alcoholic, perhaps try reaching out to people you haven't seen for a while. They will probably be happy to hear from you.
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Join Date: Oct 2022
Posts: 94
6 months ago, I could not have dreamed I would ever see getting into a new relationship being a viable option. Now that I've done some major healing, and growing, I can see that maybe at some point long into the future I might consider being ready for it. But also, now, I am no longer lonely. I'm enjoying having time with my kids to myself, and enjoying the time I get to myself after they go to sleep at night. I'm so busy, I rarely think about missing him. Even when I do I remember how often he would have passed out on the couch, so what would I really be missing? His snoring?
It feels like you'll always be lonely, but it does get better. But to get through it, you have to go through it unfortunately.
It feels like you'll always be lonely, but it does get better. But to get through it, you have to go through it unfortunately.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Sonoran Desert & Southeast Asia
Posts: 6,561
What a selfish jerk he is! He will eventually get what he deserves, perhaps soon. But 46 is still so young. You have a lot of life ahead of you - good times with your kids, travel, and a new partner at some point! Just focus on healing, getting healthy, exercising, and learning about codependency - so you don't get into another dysfunctional relationship.
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Join Date: Mar 2023
Posts: 15
Thank you. I hope to get clarity through counseling and time. Right now the pain is constant. I couldn't even fathom another relationship. I don't know that I have truly processed this one is done. Not even having a conversation, just being blocked and then seeing them is like watching a TV show or something. It's very unreal. I don't understand how someone who shared a life with someone else, that never did anything to hurt him or anything but try to help, could treat me like this. If I was mean, or cheated, or I don't even know really, because I am not that person. I just loved him. I just couldn't have active alcoholism in my home anymore. Not with kids still here and knowing the hell it causes. I didn't deserve this though.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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I'm fairly certain he moved on because I drew a line in the sand and said get serious recovery or you can't come back, and he's probably going to lose his home, car and everything else. And the addictions still won out. I was also hoping that this would be his rock bottom, losing everything
Addiction wants to proceed, the brain demands it. He will lose everything, but still he chose alcohol.
To society, to you, to other people, this makes absolutely zero sense. So a man, who had a nice home life, job, car, pretty much a good thing going, would just shut that out and go drinking with some woman? Yes, it happens every day, whether there is another woman involved or not. She didn't win, the addiction won.
You SO very much did not deserve this, you are right. No one deserves to be treated this cruelly and I'm so sorry it happened to you.
Keep in mind also that alcoholism is progressive. Once he picked up again he started right where he left off. How he is drinking now is not how he drank a year ago, how he reacts to it may not be how it was a year ago. He is not the same person.
It's grieving though that you are experiencing and why wouldn't you. He's alive, walking around (appearing) to be having a great time. He looks like they guy you knew, but the guy you knew is effectively gone. He will lose everything, you know that. There is no such thing as a happy alcoholic.
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Join Date: Feb 2023
Posts: 213
Hi Airbear
so sorry to read your story, he is very selfish but addicts are.
there is great advice here and people have been through similar. I know that it hurts so bad, really I do.
I have had great advice and support here, people are so kind. Also a shout out to Trailmix who really gives the best advice and to whom I am eternally grateful for.
just take one day at a time, come off social media, tell everyone no updates, get a hobby, journal, get therapy, it will ease up. Small steps. Some days will be harder than others but no contact is the only way to now protect yourself.
Reach out to your own family and friends and repair real relationships.
you will be okay, this too shall pass
B x
so sorry to read your story, he is very selfish but addicts are.
there is great advice here and people have been through similar. I know that it hurts so bad, really I do.
I have had great advice and support here, people are so kind. Also a shout out to Trailmix who really gives the best advice and to whom I am eternally grateful for.
just take one day at a time, come off social media, tell everyone no updates, get a hobby, journal, get therapy, it will ease up. Small steps. Some days will be harder than others but no contact is the only way to now protect yourself.
Reach out to your own family and friends and repair real relationships.
you will be okay, this too shall pass
B x
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2023
Posts: 15
Originally Posted by Bookbuff
Hi Airbear
so sorry to read your story, he is very selfish but addicts are.
there is great advice here and people have been through similar. I know that it hurts so bad, really I do.
I have had great advice and support here, people are so kind. Also a shout out to Trailmix who really gives the best advice and to whom I am eternally grateful for.
just take one day at a time, come off social media, tell everyone no updates, get a hobby, journal, get therapy, it will ease up. Small steps. Some days will be harder than others but no contact is the only way to now protect yourself.
Reach out to your own family and friends and repair real relationships.
you will be okay, this too shall pass
B x
so sorry to read your story, he is very selfish but addicts are.
there is great advice here and people have been through similar. I know that it hurts so bad, really I do.
I have had great advice and support here, people are so kind. Also a shout out to Trailmix who really gives the best advice and to whom I am eternally grateful for.
just take one day at a time, come off social media, tell everyone no updates, get a hobby, journal, get therapy, it will ease up. Small steps. Some days will be harder than others but no contact is the only way to now protect yourself.
Reach out to your own family and friends and repair real relationships.
you will be okay, this too shall pass
B x
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Join Date: Mar 2021
Posts: 336
Originally Posted by Airbear23
It's very unreal.
What helped the most was grounding my new life in activities. Cleaning, hobbies, going outside and trying new food places, exercise, etc. Routine. The more I replaced the old life with the habits of the new one, the more my brain adjusted and I felt better.
Addiction often needs the addict to believe there is no problem so they keep using/drinking. Or that there is SUCH a hopeless problem that they can ONLY keep using/drinking. Honestly, whatever “logic” loopholes keep them using and drinking. And addiction will have them rotate ideas as often as needed to keep using and drinking. If being with you forced him to see the reality that he has a problem, it’s easier to just not be with you for addiction.
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