cerd2000

This might sound like a rather stupid/mundane question to some, but I'm looking for ways to minimize my risk of relapsing when I'm in an idle state, which is basically almost every evening/weekend/holiday.

I work a lot and even though I mostly hate my job, it at least keeps me from relapsing because it keeps a strict schedule on me. I even voluntarily work overtime because I simply have nothing else to do. I have no partner, no children, hardly any friends (2-3). I have family, but they can't help me.

When I return from work, I return to an empty flat which basically reflects my life of complete inner emptiness. I have nothing to do, nothing to reach for and also nothing to lose. It's all essentially a big sequence of emptiness/loneliness/boredom/isolation.

I'm doing better than in the past, though. I'm in therapy, I'm seeing a psychiatrist, I'm taking antidepressants, I'm mostly in charge of alcohol (except for exactly those kind of empty weekends). I go to the gym 1-2x a week and I meditate 2-3x a week. It's much better than in the past, but I'm still constantly in risk of relapse, because of the emptiness and boredom. I'm socially isolated is the big, core problem.

Before that I filled my emptiness with alcohol. Now I still have found no substitute.

I tried AA meetings and apps where I can meet people (like Meetup or Tinder), but it all ended up in embarassment or dating rejection. Sometimes I simply get up on Friday night or Saturday morning and take a bus/train somewhere or even a cheap flight to a foreign country for 1-2 nights just to drown the loneliness.

When I'm wandering through the capital of a foreign country, I feel instantly better. I'm busy doing something and can at least make smalltalk to other tourists. When I return on Sunday evenings, the emptiness and loneloness sets in immediately again.

Now it feels like it's all the same senseless repetition everyday, merely without alcohol. Work for little money, eat, train, sleep. Repeat. Nothing more. Basically surviving.

Yes, it's better to survive than to rot away under the influence of alcohol. But what's the end goal? What's the sense of it?

What did you do to get out of this social isolation? What should I do? Did anybody experience a similiar situation?

I considered saving as much as I possibly can (5000 - 10.000 €) in the next 12 months to move to another bigger city or even another completely foreign country to start from scratch.

Would that be a solution? What actions helped you in that kind of situation? Thank you for every advice!

Dee74

Hi Cerd

well there's support here right across the weekend, day or night so there's that

but in a wider sense, I think there's a middle ground between going out drinking or staying home sitting in the dark.

Try and think of things to do that don't involve alcohol...what are your hobbies and interests? what would you like to do?

Stopping drinking is the fundamental part of recovery but if I hadn't changed my life - expanded it - I would have probably gone back to drinking because the whole of my old life was geared to drinking.

Think about what a good sober life means for you. Thats a good first step

Offthemast

Wherever you go, there you are.

You described my life pretty much but man I love it. I rarely get lonely. I guess some people are just different that way. My last relationship was about 2 years ago. It lasted about a year. Didn't really hurt too much when it ended. I value the freedom singleness provides. Pros and cons to all of it. Maybe find some hobbies? I play golf when I'm not working or read at the pool. When w friends we like to go to a baseball game or kayak or float a local river. Hell, bowling is fun.

Traveling on weekends to other countries sounds awesome. You just gotta build on what you are doing. Focus on all the positives of the freedom you have and go add to them. As far as the empty loneliness my faith fills that void. You gotta find that reason that purpose for living. Me its loving God and loving and serving others (In theory, in practice when I can) and that action keeps me going.

Good luck man. You are in a great place to paint any picture you want. Use your imagination.

Cityboy

Cerd, is there some type of group you would like to be a part of. I stepped WAY outside of my comfort zone and joined a book club group. I made new friends and look forward to it now.

joe801

I can understand what you're going through. I've been single since I quit drinking my ex-girlfriend (more like a weekend girlfriend) found the sober me more enthusiastic on where money was being spent, I no longer wished to be a human credit card, I was finally awake. I will say that I've always been a loner and don't find being alone difficult.

I suggest finding more hobbies and activities and also accept sometimes there is nothing more productive than being content and that means for me accepting the human experience isn't always excitement. Just like alcohol recovery for example if your goal is to start a family then take necessary steps and make that your reality, one day at time. The human condition is fascinating one extreme pain, one extreme joy in the middle being content with the life experience.

DriGuy

First of all you are asking the right question, because it's critical to your recovery plan. Too often we get lost asking the wrong questions, but this one is goal oriented asking what you have to do to minimize risk in a very specific situation. You are the best person to come up with a solution. Make a list of ideas and pick one that seems the most helpful. That process is part of making your own personal recovery plan. The first solution that comes to my mind is avoid being idle, but that has some problems because sometimes it's unavoidable. Eventually, you will be able to be idle without even thinking about drinking. But at this stage being idle lets your mind wander to thoughts of alcohol.

But that's me going on about your solution. There is likely to be a better solution from your mind.

I thought I drank because I was bored. I even told that to therapists. It was the wrong answer to an irrelevant question. Stop drinking and if you are like me, you will stop being bored. What could be more boring that drinking whenever you have spare time? Doing the same pointless thing over and over is the perfect recipe for boredom. If you want to avoid boredom, drinking all the time is senseless.

Alcoholics drink because they are addicted, not because they are bored. They also drink when they are happy, restless, celebrating, or whatever reason they can think of, so it isn't about boredom. It's about addiction. Stop drinking for a while, and break the cycle. Sometimes the solution is not as easy as figuring it all out. Instead you have to hang on to your chair, and stop drinking. I wish it was easier.

Red Flag alert! AA is not a dating service. Sure people hook up all the time in AA, even when AA tells them not to. Oddly I'm not as opposed to this as much as Bill Wilson, but if you go to AA, your top priority has to be to get sober. Dating may happen along the way, but keep in mind that you are dealing with many potential partners that are still struggling, sneaking drinks, and relapsing. This is not the kind of love life you should be looking for, and there's a lot of that in AA meetings or rehab. Walking the streets in a foreign country is a better pool to pick from. There is less chance of hooking up with an active alcoholic.

The goal is to be happy and content. It's not an easy goal to achieve. It takes effort and thoughtfulness. But here is where I interject that drinking is not the path to that goal. It may have been sometime in your past. Whatever goal you settle on, break the addiction cycle. It's the first order of business, and then move on from there. Your short term goal is to break the cycle, and then you can learn how to start living your life.

novips

I know you said you tried AA, but through the years I have heard so many people say that they tried AA and that it didn't work for them only to hear them later admit that they never really gave AA a fair shot and that once they did they found what they were looking for. So, I'll pass along three quotes from the Big Book that may be relevant (and I'll recommend you commit to 90 meetings in 90 days):

(1) We have shown how we got out from under. You say, "Yes, I'm willing. But am I to be consigned to a life where I shall be stupid, boring and glum, like some righteous people I see? I know I must get along without liquor, but how can I? Have you a sufficient substitute?" Yes, there is a substitute and it is vastly more than that. It is a fellowship in Alcoholics Anonymous. There you will find release from care, boredom and worry. Your imagination will be fired. Life will mean something at last. The most satisfactory years of your existence lie ahead. Thus we find the fellowship, and so will you.

(2) The alcoholic at certain times has no effective mental defense against the first drink. Except in a few rare cases, neither he nor any other human being can provide such a defense. His defense must come from a Higher Power.

(3) Well, that's exactly what this book is about. Its main object is to enable you to find a Power greater than yourself which will solve your problem.

overforty

I could have written your post myself @cerd2000
I have an almost identical life.
I'm new - ishly sober after decades of heavy drinking / drugs since my early teens and now I'm in my late 40's
I'm isolated, introverted and have no hobbies, no partner, kids or close family and a couple of friends I rarely see.
I travelled 6 - 9 months a year in my 20's 30's and the whole thing is a blur although I loved it ( I think ) and it was a solution for the emptiness I felt.
Until it wasn't.
I understand that you think moving to a different country might be a solution to start fresh - maybe it will, I don't want to discount that because it worked for me for years - but I was still an active alcoholic and `there I was` regardless of where I was as someone else said on this thread.

I find the advice `find a hobby` unhelpful even though it is good advice and I wish I loved doing something that doesn't involve getting drunk or high or other addictive dangerous behaviour!
But I just don't know what I like doing and am scared to death of getting out there and finding out what I like doing to meet new people.
I'm sorry I made this about me - and I don't have any helpful advice to give you!
But I'll be keeping watch on this thread to see how you're doing and what others suggest.
x

overforty

I'd also like to mention on a more positive note that things won't change going down the same path of drinking ourselves to oblivion and they won't change by sitting still and expecting the changes to happen by themselves or someone else to do them for us.
Going down a new road of sobriety will hopefully create more energy and enthusiasm to slowly start creating a better life - a life that is worth living.

Anna

Hi, I was pretty lost when I stopped drinking, but I knew I had to make some lifestyle changes to support my recovery. Volunteer work was the answer for me. I met some amazing people, built up my self-confidence and simply got outside of my head. Take a look around your community and see what you could do to help and to give back.

Dee74

what advice would you find helpful? (Genuine question)

I'd been drinking so long I had no idea how to 'do' fun without a bottle.
I floundered around for a while until I realised that fun was not going to come and find me when I was sitting on the couch.

It took a little effort - especially to think of things where alcohol was not involved.

I started volunteering in my community...but I know that's not for everyone.

I also picked up old hobbies I used to do before drinking took over.

​​​​​​​D

cerd2000

Thank you for all the advice, I really appreciate it.

I just don't know how to get over this social isolation. It's driving me crazy.

This is the core problem, the loneliness after wasting so many years and social opportunities that ultimately led to a very small social circle whereas others used their 20s and beginning of 30s to create and develop said social circle.

I suspect that is a common main problem of many addicts and ex addicts?

They wasted their prime physical years to alcohol and even though they are currently overcoming it or overcame it they still suffer the social consequences?

It's like the last missing piece in my history of mental health and addictions problems.

I managed to get a solid job (exhausting and petty job, but still solid) after many years of low paid jobs and/or unemployment. I finally got my own flat after living with my parents for a couple of years at age 30. I got over my gambling addiction.

I got in charge of my depression and anxiety by overcoming to finally go to a psychiatrist and start taking antidepressants and rigorously following therapy sessions for 5 years.

I mostly got in charge of my alcohol addiction (except for exactly those weekends/holidays). I achieved so much compared to like 5 years ago, but still I'm such a broken and ruined person.

I feel like I'm always one small step away from severe relapse, no matter how hard I have tried before and how many achievements I reached before. I can manage it during working days, but the weekends are a high risk as I said in my opening post.

Mentioned that AA meetings should not be misunderstood with a dating service. I have to confess that I'm guilty of that. While my main intention always was the AA meeting itself, I always found myself drawn to talking to female members of the group afterwards.

With some I felt like they could immediately understand my entire situation, which is a thing that is extremely rare in regular dating life. It felt authentic and intimate. However, those personalities have much of their own problems. It always ended bad and at some point I quit going to these meetings. Is that common behaviour?

I have to say that I never experienced „healthy“ sexual love relationships in my entire life. My ex GF suffered from BPD and various psychiatric problems which overlapped with mine, so I always felt like kinda drawn to „broken“ women all my life. I just experienced that with no one else do I have the same connection.

They understand my problems, because they have experienced exactly the same. Many of them are of over-average intelligence so the conversations are especially close and interesting. However, the big downside is that two persons with mental problems multiply each other and often it ends up in a very toxic co-dependency. Did maybe some of you had the same experience?

I don't know what else to try? The AA meetings didn't turn out good and my app tryouts (Tinder and others) didn't either. I crave social interaction so much but I just don't know how to. After those experiences I feel so insufficient that others (non-addicts) will immediately judge me of my history.

Many of you mentioned finding new hobbies. I hardly have any hobbies at the moment. I work a lot and in my free time I read a ton of books concerning history, politics, true crime, medicine and psychology. I'm also very interested in learning and practicing foreign languages (English, French, Italian). I go to the gym and I travel (cheaply) as much as I possibly can. I also go to meditation classes, but that's all.

Basically all of my hobbies are mostly self-centered and lonely. Except for travelling but the people you meet there it's only temporary for a short time and you never see them again.

I feel like that I'm very much ready to experience „real life“ now and I'm so famished from real social interaction, but at the same time I experienced so much rejection and feel a lot of restraint that I can't really move forward.

Sobriety is important, it's the most central important thing in our addicts' lives, but without social contacts I think the sobriety means nothing in the long term? This is my experience and I need to find ways to get over this problem, before relapses strike.

​​​​​​​Hence the thought of physically moving away from all this and start fresh. But yes I know the grass is always greener on the other side...

@overforty : How do you mean it was blur until it wasn't? Like an escape, like you mean you could manage to escape your addictive personality until at some point it caught up with you regardless in what country you were? Thank all of you again for reading those long lines and helping me.

overforty

I know finding purpose outside of drinking is what helps you stay stopped - so find a hobby is perfectly good advice!
But in my dark place right now - going out of my comfort zone even more by attempting social groups etc is like horror for me!
Like the OP I do have things I enjoy but they are solitary activities like walking and cycling.
I enjoy shopping and thrifting but again I do that alone and it only fills part of the day.
I'm yet to find that hobby or activity that fills my empty weekends / evenings - I'm rubbish at relaxing lol!

People with family, partners and kids always have someone to fill the void - when you live alone and have no family all you have is friends and they have their own lives.
It all sounds a bit poor me and I hate myself for it - but I have never been sober in my adult life - I don't know what I like doing.

overforty

It was all a blur because I was an active alcoholic the whole time I was travelling.
I think if you're living a sober life then moving abroad might offer you new opportunities and a chance to meet new people through work etc ..

I agree with you that most people spent time forming relationships/ friendships in their 20's and it gets harder as you get older.
Like you I'm struggling to find the point of sobriety when there is no one keeping me accountable, no one to disappoint or be sober for.
I'm just hoping that with some time I will have the courage and energy to get out there and form new relationships.
You're young- why not start fresh!
It will make you get out there and make an effort.

DriGuy

I'm not sure how to respond further but I would like to try. While you and I have a lot in common, we have very different perceptions about what we need. To me, it sounds like you have enough interests and "hobbies" to keep you busy. That much is about what I have on my plate, but it sounds like you want more or maybe different.

You crave social interaction. I enjoy it when it's there, but I can do fine without it. I live in the woods, and thrive on solitude. It's like a tranquilizer to me. It's rare when I feel the need to go visit friends, but I enjoy the few friends I have immensely when I'm with them. If you need social interaction, maybe but I'm not sure, you need to make a list of places to find it. Your participation at the gym and meditation classes sounds great. I could probably find that to be enough. Organizations, if you can find ones you are interested in, have a social aspect that naturally goes with the group purpose. I used AA for that, and the common goal of sobriety, with honest discussions at some meetings helped me form a "closeness" with others to replace the bar experiences I had been using. Eventually, I became confident enough to stand on my own two feet, and found I didn't need bars or AA meetings to socialize at all. In fact, I didn't need to socialize as much as I thought I did.

We are all different, and telling you how I dealt with these things should not be taken as the way you should do it. There are bonds that form between recovering alcoholics, even here in the forum because of our similar needs, but with all of our differences, there is a whole lot more we have to learn on our own. It's like a constant search to find our own inner peace. Yikes, that sounds so psychologically mystical that it's kind of embarrassing, but it's also very true.

This is an area to work on, and sobriety is going to change the way you socially interact. Change is naturally awkward, and learning to do it without your alcohol crutch is going to be different, but it's just a matter of getting used to it. One thing I have to question is about sobriety meaning nothing without social contacts. My first reaction is that this is not true. My second reaction is that maybe I just don't understand why it is true. I was so sick of being a drunk in a downward spiral that all I wanted out of sobriety was just to stop drinking. I see the lack of social contacts as an unrelated issue.

Hawkeye13

What about joining a meetup group in your area for hiking, going to museum or other city tour, or some other interest area? I also also see all sorts of one evening or weekend “workshops” popping up in so many areas for things like learning a cooking skill ( bread making, ethnic food, etc.), doing a painting or piece of pottery, learning a dance, indoor parachuting, etc. It is a small group of people new to the skill and a nice way to meet others.

I think the most helpful thing for me when quitting was buying a punch card at a yoga studio and trying lots of different styles—hot yoga where you sweat is amazingly detoxing and harder than you might think. I tried flow yoga, yin yoga, and met lots of nice health-oriented people. I got far more relaxed and comfortable in my body, much more flexible and relaxed, and learned a little basic meditation. That empty feeling is actually very relaxing to me now, when before I used to want to drink to get my focus elsewhere.

Now that I am retired I have been trying out some volunteer “light” things in my new community, and also found I like it much more than I thought I would. What about going to help walk dogs at the shelter, or helping at your local food pantry? I like clearing trails and picking up trash on designated days where I live, and have been helping out in a small way at the retail donation store here that benefits displaced women and children. My FIL used to volunteer at the local museum as a guide here and liked that quite a bit as well.

The truth is we have so much time now that we aren’t drinking. It can feel extremely overwhelming and even scary to have all that time with yourself—drinking for me was a way to avoid getting to know who I was, warts and all. I had lots of emotional trauma and challenges to work on which is why I drank for so long—to numb and avoid it. Facing it wasn’t easy, but it doesn’t have to be a full-time job—finding little pleasures and making connections with others by reaching out is critical to my recovery, not optional.

I love traveling and have myself lived on three continents, and it is a wonderful way to get out of your cocoon in some ways, but the geographical urge will most likely not solve your fundamental issue of self-isolating. What about working on some social outreach along with your individual therapy, and build a life you enjoy being in right where you are? You can still save money and make plans to move but you will be so much better prepared to make connections in the new place.

By the way, speaking as a former language teacher trainer, I think an ideal opportunity you might consider is teaching English as a conversation partner to people learning the language—it is so much fun and empowering to all concerned. You can also do a “language exchange” where you speak the language you want to learn yourself with your native speaking partner part of the time, and switch to the language they want to learn. Really nice to meet and do this in a coffee shop, museum, library, or park

ToughChoices

AA isn’t great for dating, but it is great for friendships and understanding. It’s fellowship and service work and fun all rolled into one! Can you shop around meetings in your area to find a home group with whom you might mesh well?

Certainly, AA isn’t the only way to find a social life in sobriety, but I think the society exists because the isolation problem can be so intense for many alcoholics. It’s free, accessible, and full of people who understand addiction’s challenges.

My group hosts pot-luck dinners, charity auctions, service dates, camp outs, Book studies, gratitude meetings, and coffee chats. We even have a (terrible) softball team! It’s hilarious!

You sound like an intelligent, introverted person with a lot of inner attention and excellent goals. I don’t think you have to find all new hobbies and interests, just some simple, abstinence-friendly activities.

I’m an introvert SURROUNDED by children and family. They enrich my life, but they don’t keep me sober. It’s fine to be yourself. Work on small changes and, eventually, you’ll find yourself in a better mental space.

DriGuy

Yes. Yes. Yes. That empty feeling. It's a wonderful inner place. For some reason, it's perceived to be a bad thing, and some fill it with chaos and discontent (I did), when maybe it doesn't have to be filled with anything. But maybe like any vacuum, it will naturally fill with things once you get rid of all the junk, and then you can be more cautious about what you put in there. For me the emptiness itself was quiet enough to be enjoyable. I didn't need to put anything into it. I don't experience it much anymore, and that's OK because much of the junk is gone. Maybe the empty space just got smaller. I don't know.

DriGuy

My group also sponsored a New Years Eve party that was one of the most enjoyable events of the year, with lots of food, fun, fireworks, and socializing. We even stopped the revelry for an hour to have a regular meeting. There were so many people, some of us were sitting on the floor during the meeting. The rest of the time people were milling about going in and out. The parties were without question the most fun I've ever had on New Years Eve, and the fact that there was no drinking really made it special, while all the drunks and lightweights were out there getting plastered and driving around.

brighterday1234

In my experience it’s a part of early recovery that you have to ride out. It won’t always be that way. Immerse yourself in recovery and when the psychic change happens you will start to see and think differently. What you once thought of as isolated and lonely can become beautiful opportunities to connect with whatever your deeper sense of being is. As your life becomes more enriched as your recovery grows you will become more grateful for those alone time opportunities and see them
as a blessing. My life is now incredibly rich and extremely busy. As my recovery grew then my life became more enriched and so less time to be alone. I cherish those moments now in a busy hectic life 🙏