Marie58

My drug addict ex who discarded me in January is still living in the recovery house he entered in May 2022. We were still together when he entered the program as I was extremely codependent and supported him financially for close to 4 years. He started getting distant while in recovery and I found out he was with someone in there. He was so cold toward me when I figured out he was seeing someone and we didn’t talk for a few weeks but then I heard from him in March but now he won’t take any of my calls or texts. It’s like I no longer exist. How can someone just cut someone off like that? He was so dependent on me before and now I am wondering if I will ever hear from him again. He is 56 and was addicted to fentanyl for years and is homeless and really doesn’t have a way of getting his own place without help

trailmix

He is a fentanyl addict, that lies and is a cheater. He may be "sober" now, but doesn't sound like he has changed much. It doesn't seem surprising that he can just cut people out of his life when he has decided to change things up.

Someone can put the drink and drugs down, that doesn't mean they turn in to a good person. He's just a sober, not so nice person now.

Maybe start looking at him that way?

What about you, are you working on your codependency? Are you questioning why you supported him at all? That is the path forward for you perhaps? Once you make progress with that and build up your self esteem (which you mentioned in another thread has taken a beating) you probably won't care much why he does what he does.

Marie58

I am seeing a therapist weekly to try and chip away why I sought out and stay in a codependent situation like I did. About a month ago I got a call from him and he was acting like we were friends and like we were never in a relationship. That for some reason set me back and I started calling him a few times after that and now he won’t even answer texts or calls. I am I think still stuck on accepting that I was used for 5 plus years and just discarded as if I never existed. I’ve never experienced something like this and can’t believe someone could just cut someone off like that.

trailmix

I totally understand. Until you come across someone who is so black and white, good, bad and cold, it's hard to believe.

But it happens all the time. Some people are very - different. They don't experience life the way you or I might. They can cut you off, pretend you are just a friend, whatever they choose to believe today. Yes, they exist, yes they pretty much live in their own heads. Their reality may not be what you consider to be reality.

Maybe try thinking of him like this, when he crosses your mind - "i guess that's how it works in <his name> land" - :I suppose in <his name> world, doing that to someone is just fine". When you come across something (like him just cutting you off, cold hearted like that) attribute it to his world, because he does indeed live in a different world than you do.

There is another member here, lovelykaya. She had a husband and they had his children for summers etc, so she was very attached to them as well. Things were a bit rocky (he is an alcoholic) but they had been getting along really well for a couple of days, talking, working out together etc. Then she came home one day and they were packed (him and the kids) and he left, drunk, with the kids, in his van.

He drove back to where his ex lives and stayed there (in the city or town) in his van. Done! Blindsided. So yes, people don't always act with empathy or kindness and sometimes with no feeling or consideration for the other person either.

Marie58

Yes he does love in a different world - he is not bothered by the fact he is homeless and has nothing in his late 50s. He would spend his last dollar not knowing where his next meal was coming from. I was basically his caretaker as I don’t think he will ever be really able to do that on his own even when out of the recovery house. He is a very sad pathetic creature yet I felt some weird codependency on him. I have blocked his number because I was feeling very badly that he cared so little not even to see how I was doing. It was also friendly with his sister while we weee together and I am also mot going to continue talking to her as I know most definitely I would be hearing about him.

Marie58

I think why things are so hard for me is I never got to talk to him about all the resentment I had for him with all the trauma he caused me while he was using drugs. I left him alone so he could recover and we never talked anything over and he was just gone like that. It was such a weird situation so I had to just deal with all this harboring resentment and also being abandoned and feeling used and manipulated. It was just a lot for anyone to go through.

trailmix

It's good that you have stopped contact with them, it will help you to heal.

Codependency in a relationship with an addict is not that unusual. It's kind of perfect situation for it to occur. In your ex's case, he was a mess, you were supporting him in all ways. Helping. Being kind and helping is normal for many nice people.

The difference being the help and support doesn't end and in some cases it keeps increasing. The more you did for him, the less he had to do for himself. It's probably the way he has always lived? That also explains why he doesn't care about being homeless, it's because he just does not care, period. Probably thinks someone will come along and "rescue" him again.

Do you have a background of dysfunction in your family? Drugs or alcoholism? That lead to being a "fixer", to wanting to please people, wanting to try to keep things on an even keel.

Marie58

My dad passed away when I was 13 and he was a drinker and I had no real emotional attachment to him. This could be why I became attached to this mess. I was at a low point when I got together with this addict and I guess it was the perfect storm - me being anxious attachment and him being an avoidant addict. I have a lot of healing yet to do and hope someday I can trust again

trailmix

Yes, that may have something to do with it for sure. Even though your Dad passed away when you were at a young age, no doubt his drinking may have affected you, as well as him passing away when you were so young.

I don't know if I mentioned this before but you may want to look at ACOA - Adult children of Alcoholics and dysfunctional families

https://adultchildren.org/

Looking at some of the things that develop in adults because of these situations might help you to understand and could maybe be a talking point with your counselor.

If you live in a house where alcoholism is the center, you tend to want to help and fix and keep things going because that's what that life style is about. Keeping the peace, making sure everyone is ok (including yourself). You tend to try to help people, even if they don't ask for help. It's a long list but unlocking your huge capacity for poor treatment by another will probably make you feel so much better.

I hope you will trust again someday as well, there are trustworthy people out there, but you need to take care of yourself, that should be utmost. Trustworthy, kind people will want you to take care of yourself too.

edoering

A symptom of codependency is having trouble owning your own reality. We often need others to see things the way we do in order to feel like our reality is, well, real. So him calling you, and asserting his unexpected (and probably temporary) new “reality”—ie treating you like you’re just a friend and never were together—might make you feel a little crazy. Like your reality—the one where you were in a serious relationship that went sour—is suddenly no longer valid, and all your memories of the events are somehow “wrong” because he doesn’t see it that way.

But the truth is, his choice to remember a different reality or act like the situation is different than it is doesn’t have anything to do with YOUR reality. Your perspective, memories, experiences are all valid with or without him. Whether or not he agrees with you. He might be in his own lalaland to protect his ego, to enable himself, to justify what he’s doing, etc. But you don’t have to accept it just because it’s what he wants to believe.

PineappleGirl78

The best thing to try is to not talk to HIM cold turkey. I see you are asking a lot of questions about what he is thinking, trying to rationalize his behavior, I know firsthand the unknowingly enabling part and the making excuses part. But, this is something that he has to deal with on his own. Sounds like you were extremely supportive for a long time and he seems to have rejected the support. Addicts are not rational. But, if you step back and look at the situation like it isn't happening to you, I have found this helpful. Would I tell my best friend to continue to support a man like that? Would I tell my best friend to keep reaching out to him? Probably not. I know how extremely difficult it is to see someone not acting themselves and to be hurting everyone they supposedly love. I have realized that I have loved my husband for many years but now it's time to love myself and my children more. Hope some of this helps!

Marie58

I am doing much better - this time away from him and meeting new people has really made me realize how abusive he was and how I saw the little breadcrumbs he gave me as a reason to keep supporting him. His energy was always so negative and depressing and he always made me feel guilty for having a good job and nice house like I owed him something because his life was such a mess. I haven’t heard from him in like two weeks and if he does reach out I am in a good position mentally now and will probably never talk to him

Marie58

So I forgot to mention that about a week and a half ago he called me out of the blue (he is still in this recovery house) and initially I didn’t answer but he kept calling back so I answered. The first thing he said is “if you cared about me you wouldn’t let me rot in this place”. Mind you we hadn’t spoke in a few weeks and he had been telling me before he was with someone in the recovery house and he didn’t want a relationship with me. He then proceeded to ask me if I would go in half on an apartment with him. I couldn’t believe this!! I said no and I haven’t heard from him since. I just don’t even know this person at all even after six years of being supportive.

VikingGF

My response would have been.

"You're right."

Click.


Stay strong- the advice you are getting here is brilliant (I don't include mine, I'm just highly intolerant of selfishness) and you are doing great.

Marie58

I wish I would have done that as I think answering the phone just lets him know I am still engaging in his bull crap. He is a 56 year old homeless broke narcissist who is also a non- functioning adult. I pity anyone that gets involved with him as you they are in the rollercoaster ride of a lifetime

VikingGF

Well, you know it now- and now you can steer clear. I'm sorry you went through this, but now you get to move on, free with no responsibility to this person.

Marie58

Yes I am thankful for this forum and all the advice I have been given. It made it much easier to deal with

Marie58

So I have been no contact for like 3 weeks now and because I still receive notifications on his hospital visits as he hasn’t changed it yet to his new rehab girlfriend I found out that he must have been discharged from his rehab facility and relapsed and had nowhere to go so he went to the hospital and said he was going to commit suicide by overdose. He is still in the hospital and is probably very desperate and I am hoping he doesn’t reach out to me for help. He had been clean for over 9 mos but I truly believe it was only because he had nowhere to live so he went to the rehab facility and stayed there. Now he is in this hospital and it said they had to check if he can even return to that facility as I’m sure they have rules about this. Me and my empathetic self can’t help but feel bad for him for having such a miserable life but I can only pity this new girlfriend on what she is going through with his desperation, depression and dark energy. As I said before about three weeks ago he called asking if I would help him get an apartment in my name (while he has a girlfriend) so he has no shame in asking for stuff. I don’t know how to handle if he would reach out? Any suggestions?

Behappy1

Get your name off of any and all things that involve him. All that it does is engage you further. He's homeless, a narcisist and not wot worth your time, energy. I have been where you are that the desperation that I felt was pathetic and miserable. Re-read your thread. It oozes desperation for someone who cannot, simply cannot contribute to a healthy relationship. I was so exhausted mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually from my severe co-dependency. Just let him go. He will take and take and use you and use you. Your last sentence. "Any suggestions?" Block, don't answer, don't engage. THAT is how to handle it.

biminiblue

Yeah, block him every way you can, if he does get you to answer a phone call you still have the power of, "NO."

My ex who was a lot like your guy called me several months after I'd gone No Contact. As soon as he started talking I said, "I have nothing to say, goodbye."

He didn't call again.

Firm and to the point and don't engage!