Breakup Grief
Rose
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2023
Posts: 1
Breakup Grief
Hi everyone.
Thanks for listening if you read my rant/vent.
I moved out of my boyfriend's apartment a little over 2 months ago due to him getting back into intravenous fentanyl use. I held out for about 6 months of him using. He tried to quit about 10 times but he couldn't do it. In that span of time I completely lost myself. I cannot stop questioning why certain things were said to me, why I feel so neglected and abandoned. It is as if he wasn;t even attracted to me anymore or even cared. He would disappear, he would lie. This is someone who I thought I was going to marry and have a family with ( I am 32 ). We met and he had been clean for almost 2 years. He relapsed in August.
I haven't heard from him in about a month, though I have also not reached out because I figure that is best. After professing so much supposed love for me, like I was the love of his life he let me leave so easily, I'm questioning if he even ever really loved me or if it was just words. I feel like such a desperate fool, its always on my mind. I can't wrap my head around what happened. The total disregard and disrepect of my feelings by him is unlike anything I've ever experienced. I don't have a problem with addiction so this forum has helped me greatly in understanding the mind of an addict.
I cry almost everyday, I've starting seeing friends again, signed up for a permaculture course, trying to do a volunteer trip in June. Trying to stay busy but once I am not I come back to a place of loss and grief over completely giving my soul to someone who maybe never loved me. I am incredibly hurt. I know it will pass one day with time it just SUCKS plain and simp.
To be fair, our relationship did need work before drugs came into the picture but I felt we both cared and we both would have done the work. I know there are ways in which I was a toxic individual and it makes me feel as if I played a big part in his relapse. I can't shake that guilt. I had written him a big apology email a month ago and he did accept the apology but I still feel guilty.
I learned some valuable lessons from this experience, I am just tired of hurting. And it's probably not true but I fear I will never find my life partner. I guess that's normal following a bad breakup.
Thanks for listening and I appreciate the forums here, they have helped me immensely.
Rose
"Life's full of loss, who knows the cost, living in the memory of the love that never was."
Thanks for listening if you read my rant/vent.
I moved out of my boyfriend's apartment a little over 2 months ago due to him getting back into intravenous fentanyl use. I held out for about 6 months of him using. He tried to quit about 10 times but he couldn't do it. In that span of time I completely lost myself. I cannot stop questioning why certain things were said to me, why I feel so neglected and abandoned. It is as if he wasn;t even attracted to me anymore or even cared. He would disappear, he would lie. This is someone who I thought I was going to marry and have a family with ( I am 32 ). We met and he had been clean for almost 2 years. He relapsed in August.
I haven't heard from him in about a month, though I have also not reached out because I figure that is best. After professing so much supposed love for me, like I was the love of his life he let me leave so easily, I'm questioning if he even ever really loved me or if it was just words. I feel like such a desperate fool, its always on my mind. I can't wrap my head around what happened. The total disregard and disrepect of my feelings by him is unlike anything I've ever experienced. I don't have a problem with addiction so this forum has helped me greatly in understanding the mind of an addict.
I cry almost everyday, I've starting seeing friends again, signed up for a permaculture course, trying to do a volunteer trip in June. Trying to stay busy but once I am not I come back to a place of loss and grief over completely giving my soul to someone who maybe never loved me. I am incredibly hurt. I know it will pass one day with time it just SUCKS plain and simp.
To be fair, our relationship did need work before drugs came into the picture but I felt we both cared and we both would have done the work. I know there are ways in which I was a toxic individual and it makes me feel as if I played a big part in his relapse. I can't shake that guilt. I had written him a big apology email a month ago and he did accept the apology but I still feel guilty.
I learned some valuable lessons from this experience, I am just tired of hurting. And it's probably not true but I fear I will never find my life partner. I guess that's normal following a bad breakup.
Thanks for listening and I appreciate the forums here, they have helped me immensely.
Rose
"Life's full of loss, who knows the cost, living in the memory of the love that never was."
Member
Join Date: Jun 2022
Location: Amsterdam, NL
Posts: 53
Hi Rose,
Welcome, a big hug to you. i'm sorry you are going through this. Its true what you are writing that this forum will help greatly in understanding the mind of an addict. I left my ex boyfriend about 10 months ago, he was struggling with cocaine and alcohol addicion. I was also very ignorant of the nature of addiction and had no idea what i was dealing with but reading here has helped me so much.
Walking away from a loved one is hard as it is, having addiction in the mix makes it very hard. For me i really had to decide to find closure on my own because it just wasn't going to be something i would or could receive from him. I resonate with the total disregard and disrespect of your feelings. There probably is no room for your feelings or for him to respect you. i'm sorry that that is the situation but you might have to accept that. Yes it is painful and Yes it is completely insane but that is probably the way it is. You should be so proud of yourself, one month into no contact is incredible!!!!
Crying almost everyday is normal, allow yourself. Give yourself grace while you grieve. You will be sad, you will be angry, you will have resentment, then you will be sad again. Allow yourself to go through these waves. Some days the sun will shine and you will catch yourself smiling, allow yourself this. Other days will be unbearable, allow these days to be there but remember they too will pass.
I don't know the ins and outs of your relationship but i can surely say that although expecting perfection from yourself is of course a good goal, being in a relationship with an addict will ask you to be the best version of yourself more often than is reasonable for any human being to be. I don't know how toxic the situation was from your side but you need to forgive yourself this. All of this will take time Rose.
I am 10 months along and it's gotten so much better. Let time do what time does. and vent and read and write here. This place really helped me and i hope it will help you too. One day at a time. <3 <3
Welcome, a big hug to you. i'm sorry you are going through this. Its true what you are writing that this forum will help greatly in understanding the mind of an addict. I left my ex boyfriend about 10 months ago, he was struggling with cocaine and alcohol addicion. I was also very ignorant of the nature of addiction and had no idea what i was dealing with but reading here has helped me so much.
Walking away from a loved one is hard as it is, having addiction in the mix makes it very hard. For me i really had to decide to find closure on my own because it just wasn't going to be something i would or could receive from him. I resonate with the total disregard and disrespect of your feelings. There probably is no room for your feelings or for him to respect you. i'm sorry that that is the situation but you might have to accept that. Yes it is painful and Yes it is completely insane but that is probably the way it is. You should be so proud of yourself, one month into no contact is incredible!!!!
Crying almost everyday is normal, allow yourself. Give yourself grace while you grieve. You will be sad, you will be angry, you will have resentment, then you will be sad again. Allow yourself to go through these waves. Some days the sun will shine and you will catch yourself smiling, allow yourself this. Other days will be unbearable, allow these days to be there but remember they too will pass.
I don't know the ins and outs of your relationship but i can surely say that although expecting perfection from yourself is of course a good goal, being in a relationship with an addict will ask you to be the best version of yourself more often than is reasonable for any human being to be. I don't know how toxic the situation was from your side but you need to forgive yourself this. All of this will take time Rose.
I am 10 months along and it's gotten so much better. Let time do what time does. and vent and read and write here. This place really helped me and i hope it will help you too. One day at a time. <3 <3
Member
Join Date: Mar 2021
Posts: 336
Welcome, Rose. So sorry for what brings you here.
I am two years out from my marriage with ex-AH ending… we were together for a total of 7 years, he was clean and sober the whole time until the last year before it fell apart.
I know it’s hard to believe, but you can’t apply regular logic to a mind that is battling addiction. What they think, believe, how they act, it won’t make sense if you try to analyze it based on “normal” behavior. It will just cause you pain and confusion. They are not thinking like you or me right now. This article helps a lot to see more of their mindset: Addiction, Lies and Relationships
It’s completely possible the love you both had was real, and then addiction took over. Love, unfortunately, doesn’t trump addiction. And love doesn’t mean someone is capable of treating you well—feelings and actions are often two different things. This is why a lot of people here have had to walk away from love, because the life circumstances were unsafe or unhealthy. This doesn’t mean everything you felt or believed was a lie, but it’s not around anymore.
That being said, if you are concerned that perhaps he was never a good person from the beginning (being an addict doesn’t make you a bad person, but neither does it mean you are good! Narcissists and assholes and abusers can be addicts as well, and even sober they may still be cruel or selfish or abusive), now could be a good time to check in. It’s not uncommon if you grew up with an addict or a narcissist in your family, to feel attracted to the emotional roller coaster because it feels familiar, it feels like what our brain believes is “love.”
It’s also not uncommon to feel like your person has two totally different personalities when addicted or when clean, and to feel shocked and confused how it’s possible they changed completely, sometimes overnight. One hardship of loving someone who struggles with addiction is realizing BOTH are versions of that person, and always have been. They are both part of your person, and your person will always be capable of being both versions. We all are capable of being many different versions of ourselves, which ones we choose are our responsibility in this life.
The other thing you’ll hear a lot here is you didn’t Cause it, you can’t Control it, and you can’t Cure it. Don’t worry if you “triggered” him, because you didn’t cause this. You can’t, that’s not how it works. Triggers or hardship happen to all of us at unexpected times (heart break, getting laid off, tragedy, loss, etc) and while it’s not our fault or in our control, how we respond to those events is in our control, and is our own responsibility.
And no matter how much you love him, or how “perfect” you try to be—you won’t “cure” it. He alone can choose to work on himself and find recovery and fight every day for his life to be the best version of himself. He might not win that fight. I’ve had a few friends as well lose that fight even though they tried very hard, and were good people.
All that is just to say, try not to beat yourself up! (Easier said than done, I know!) That also puts the focus on him. What if you shift the focus to yourself? What kind of life do you want? What does a happy relationship look like to you? What does it feel like to you? What does happy independence look and feel like? What goals and dreams do you have?
You may discover as you focus on yourself, that this person is not capable of being part of the stable, supportive, thriving life you deserve. Obviously, this person has already serious affected your mental health and negatively impacted your quality of life. Is that what you want for years and years?
In my experiencing, focusing on your addicted loved one will often leave you more confused, drained, and full of self-doubt. Focusing on yourself helps clear the path to moving forward and healing.
I am two years out from my marriage with ex-AH ending… we were together for a total of 7 years, he was clean and sober the whole time until the last year before it fell apart.
I know it’s hard to believe, but you can’t apply regular logic to a mind that is battling addiction. What they think, believe, how they act, it won’t make sense if you try to analyze it based on “normal” behavior. It will just cause you pain and confusion. They are not thinking like you or me right now. This article helps a lot to see more of their mindset: Addiction, Lies and Relationships
It’s completely possible the love you both had was real, and then addiction took over. Love, unfortunately, doesn’t trump addiction. And love doesn’t mean someone is capable of treating you well—feelings and actions are often two different things. This is why a lot of people here have had to walk away from love, because the life circumstances were unsafe or unhealthy. This doesn’t mean everything you felt or believed was a lie, but it’s not around anymore.
That being said, if you are concerned that perhaps he was never a good person from the beginning (being an addict doesn’t make you a bad person, but neither does it mean you are good! Narcissists and assholes and abusers can be addicts as well, and even sober they may still be cruel or selfish or abusive), now could be a good time to check in. It’s not uncommon if you grew up with an addict or a narcissist in your family, to feel attracted to the emotional roller coaster because it feels familiar, it feels like what our brain believes is “love.”
It’s also not uncommon to feel like your person has two totally different personalities when addicted or when clean, and to feel shocked and confused how it’s possible they changed completely, sometimes overnight. One hardship of loving someone who struggles with addiction is realizing BOTH are versions of that person, and always have been. They are both part of your person, and your person will always be capable of being both versions. We all are capable of being many different versions of ourselves, which ones we choose are our responsibility in this life.
The other thing you’ll hear a lot here is you didn’t Cause it, you can’t Control it, and you can’t Cure it. Don’t worry if you “triggered” him, because you didn’t cause this. You can’t, that’s not how it works. Triggers or hardship happen to all of us at unexpected times (heart break, getting laid off, tragedy, loss, etc) and while it’s not our fault or in our control, how we respond to those events is in our control, and is our own responsibility.
And no matter how much you love him, or how “perfect” you try to be—you won’t “cure” it. He alone can choose to work on himself and find recovery and fight every day for his life to be the best version of himself. He might not win that fight. I’ve had a few friends as well lose that fight even though they tried very hard, and were good people.
All that is just to say, try not to beat yourself up! (Easier said than done, I know!) That also puts the focus on him. What if you shift the focus to yourself? What kind of life do you want? What does a happy relationship look like to you? What does it feel like to you? What does happy independence look and feel like? What goals and dreams do you have?
You may discover as you focus on yourself, that this person is not capable of being part of the stable, supportive, thriving life you deserve. Obviously, this person has already serious affected your mental health and negatively impacted your quality of life. Is that what you want for years and years?
In my experiencing, focusing on your addicted loved one will often leave you more confused, drained, and full of self-doubt. Focusing on yourself helps clear the path to moving forward and healing.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,649
Originally Posted by Rstraus04 
To be fair, our relationship did need work before drugs came into the picture but I felt we both cared and we both would have done the work. I know there are ways in which I was a toxic individual and it makes me feel as if I played a big part in his relapse. I can't shake that guilt. I had written him a big apology email a month ago and he did accept the apology but I still feel guilty
You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's).
He drugged before he met you, he drugged while you were together, he continues to use drugs now. It's not you.
I feel like such a desperate fool, its always on my mind. I can't wrap my head around what happened. The total disregard and disrespect of my feelings by him is unlike anything I've ever experienced.
You can't apply normal feelings and expectations to a relationship with an addict.
It will take time to heal and it will hurt, however, perhaps the best thing you can do is accept that it all happened, it is now history. Second guessing everything will hurt you more.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2024
Posts: 5
1 year
Hello Rose,
I'm not going to give you unsolicited advice. I just want you to know that you are not alone by sharing a bit of my experience if you are interested. For me, it's been a year since something similar happened. It was absolutely devastating. Ripped my soul in half. I could lie to you and say that it got easier. It didn't. It's hard. I have slowly gained more and more clarity. The pain has become more and more of a gnawing ache rather than an open wound that needs emergency care. It is hell though. It just is. I'm grateful that he is still alive. As far as I know, anyway. I'm always hopeful for change. But I'm learning to live my lonesome life without him. It is mind-boggling stuff. He is on his own journey. My heart goes out to you. And your story is helpful to me to know that I am not alone.
I'm not going to give you unsolicited advice. I just want you to know that you are not alone by sharing a bit of my experience if you are interested. For me, it's been a year since something similar happened. It was absolutely devastating. Ripped my soul in half. I could lie to you and say that it got easier. It didn't. It's hard. I have slowly gained more and more clarity. The pain has become more and more of a gnawing ache rather than an open wound that needs emergency care. It is hell though. It just is. I'm grateful that he is still alive. As far as I know, anyway. I'm always hopeful for change. But I'm learning to live my lonesome life without him. It is mind-boggling stuff. He is on his own journey. My heart goes out to you. And your story is helpful to me to know that I am not alone.
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