Crack addict husband abandons family

Old 07-30-2016, 05:18 PM
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Crack addict husband abandons family

My husband & I have have been married for 3 years. We have 1 daughter who is 8 months old.I 1st found out about his addiction to crack in 2012. There were many ups and downs between us from that time on. He went to rehab 3 times. The 1st time he only stayed a couple days. The 2nd time he stayed for a month. The 3rd and final time the program was supposed to be for 3 months but he only stayed for 1 month. After that last time at rehab (which was last year) he swears up and down that he has no desire to ever do crack again ever in life and for a long time I believed him. Little mysterious things would happen here and there but he would have me believing that drugs is out the question. For example, one day we were at his mom's house & he asked me for the food stamp card so he could go to the store to buy dinner for us to eat with his mom. I let him see the card, he went to the grocery store by himself. He was gone for a little while but not too long but when he returned I checked the balance of my card and there was an extra $20 missing besides wat he spent on the dinner. I asked him what happened to the extra $20 and he said he didn't knw. I called the grocery store to find out what was purchased and they told me some pizza & ground beef. So that means he payed for someone else's groceries too with the food stamps in exchange for their cash. That's one incident. Also, since March he's been hanging with a man who's like 20+ yrs older than him. My husband is only 27. Anyway, since March he's been hanging with this man & he was starting to be more distant from me & our baby. He NEVER had time for us NEVER! He would stay out in my car at all hours of the night or not come home at all. When he is home we still don't get any quality time because he'll sleep the whole day away(literally like 8/9 hours straight thru) After he wakes up its back to his friend's house. Then he blames me for the reason he's not home. He says I'm so negative and argumentative. But I only complain because I know somethings not right, he's not acting like himself. I asked my husband does his friend sell crack but he denies it and says he only sells weed. But recently I found out that the friend indeed does sell crack. Now my husband doesn't come home at all or call me or his own mother at that. I need help and insight on what the problem might be because I keep 2nd guessing myself and blaming myself by thinking maybe he isn't on drugs maybe it is me. I'm driving myself crazy can anybody help me. I'm an emotional wreck. I can't believe he's doing this to me and our baby. He doesn't even check on his one and only child?! How could he abandon us like this 😓
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Old 07-30-2016, 06:57 PM
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I am so sorry you are going through this!! You are not alone by any means. This is such a great site and you will find lots of great advice. I have learned to trust your gut. If things aren't adding up then he is still using. Things didn't add up for me for years and even with the evidence staring me straight in my face I still thought maybe I was the one going crazy and just a nag. I let it go...let him manipulate me and even married him knowing things weren't right. Now I am living with my parents and our two young children...3 and 5 months. It's heartbreaking as a mom when all you want is a tight knit family and security for your child. Keep yourself and your child safe and don't let him manipulate you into thinking it's you. Look at his actions and not his words. You will get through this and you will be OK. This site is my go to every single day. It has been so comforting to know I'm not alone and I'm not going crazy. Hugs to you and your baby girl.
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Old 07-30-2016, 07:34 PM
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Originally Posted by Jk1986 View Post
How could he abandon us like this 😓
I'm sure HE could never. But you're no longer dealing with him, you're dealing with the addict inside him. You need to remember that. You and your child are in danger. Things are progressing rapidly and you don't want to stick around for what's next.

Addicts RARELY get better while in a relationship. You have nothing to lose by separating. If he is worth your love, he will shape up and reenter your life clean and sober. If he doesn't, then he wasn't.

Forget about holding his hand through this, putting him through rehab, driving him to meetings. Take a quick read through some of the other posts on here and you'll see that does not work. (And sending him to rehab is almost guaranteed to end in him finding a rehab romance, leaving you heartbroken and wondering how he could do this to you. Hint: it's what addicts do!)

When you look at what he's doing from the lense of an addict, you see none of this behavior is surprising or unique. He is no longer himself. He may seem like himself at times, but that's just the addict using what he knows works on you.

Do what you have to do to keep your daughter and yourself safe. Let him make this right if he so chooses. There's nothing else you can do.

Wishing you peace, happiness, and strength.
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Old 07-31-2016, 07:31 AM
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even IF drugs were not involved, his BEHAVIOR is not that of a husband, partner, father or friend.
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Old 07-31-2016, 09:05 AM
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I think you know the truth, but admitting it to yourself is a whole other thing. It is easier to deny it to ourselves because then action does not need to occur, then we can still onto our hopes and dreams of being a family, and it just plain hurts to know that our loved one is not who we thought they were, not who be emotionally, physically, financially, spiritually the kind of partner and father you or your child needs.

I am so sorry you are hurting like this, we have been there- we all know how hard it is to accept and then do something about it. Your daughter is number one priority and you have to remember that YOU needs matter. YOU deserve to have someone that treats you right, someone that is capable of being there for you, and someone that doesn't rip your heart out and then turn it back on you. You cannot control or change him- all you can do is work on yourself and take care of you and your child.
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Old 07-31-2016, 09:21 AM
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I'm so sorry. I relate to what you are going through. I'm still in very early stages of possibly getting away myself so I feel like I'm not a good one to give advice. However, the advice I do have at this point in time is that I also feel you're in denial. Your gut instinct is almost always right so even if you don't have concrete proof, you know what's going on is wrong. It sounds like he is most definitely using. I feel like I am past the denial stage and am forward but not sure where yet. I just finally feel strong enough to not accept the lies and not enable it allow him to manipulate me anymore. It took years to get to this point but you'll know when it's time. I think you just finally hit that wall where enough is enough and you're not going to play this game anymore. We have 4 kids, been together 17 years, 5 of those married, and he's been an addict at least 12 of those years. It's taken me all this time and there wasn't just one instance that made it happen but one day recently it just finally clicked and I'm now figuring out the next part. I feel like we can give you all the advice in the works but it's really up to you to decide how much and how long you're willing to do this. Years like me?
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Old 07-31-2016, 11:07 AM
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Omg thank u all so much for responding to me! It helps talking with others who are going thru or have been thru this. I have so many questions. Like does appearance really matter? Because when I see him he doesn't "look" like he's using. And also my mind is really playing tricks on me...allday long I think things like what if it really is all my fault why he's not home with us or what if he's found someone else? Then the other part of my mind is telling me "This is not how he would act towards us if he was in a healthy state of mind". But it flip flops on me allday/night long. That's all I think about and it's driving me crazy. I just keep picturing him having this happy fun life without us. Smh But I think I knw the man I married b4 drugs & this doesn't seem like his normal behavior. The last time he was using he was making money for it by driving a cab & he rarely came home then as well & he blamed me for the reason he wasn't coming home that time too. The only thing different about this time around is he's totally denying drugs...its just all my fault why he stays away! Smh I feel like I'm being tortured
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Old 07-31-2016, 11:27 AM
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IT.IS NOT.YOUR.FAULT.

he's up to no good. always has been. he's treating your home like a motel....a place to crash, shower, change and then CHECK OUT.

i am sorry. but i hope you start to really SEE what you already see. and believe what you already know.

you deserve better. your child deserves better. and HE is not likely to suddenly transform into a caring loving partner any time soon.

and whatever is IS he is doing.....trust me it ain't happy and fun. you aren't missing anything.....HE IS. but you are worth more than trying to TELL someone your worth.....if he can't see it, that is his loss.
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Old 07-31-2016, 11:36 AM
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII View Post
even IF drugs were not involved, his BEHAVIOR is not that of a husband, partner, father or friend.
I agree! And I knw the person he was before he started using at least I thought I knew. He would never walk out on us. Do u think he's distancing himself to hide the addiction?
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Old 07-31-2016, 11:40 AM
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII View Post
IT.IS NOT.YOUR.FAULT.

he's up to no good. always has been. he's treating your home like a motel....a place to crash, shower, change and then CHECK OUT.

i am sorry. but i hope you start to really SEE what you already see. and believe what you already know.

you deserve better. your child deserves better. and HE is not likely to suddenly transform into a caring loving partner any time soon.

and whatever is IS he is doing.....trust me it ain't happy and fun. you aren't missing anything.....HE IS. but you are worth more than trying to TELL someone your worth.....if he can't see it, that is his loss.
I am going to make it my business to read this & remind myself everyday! I hate that one minute I feel confident & the next I'm weak again missing him and wondering why this is happening.
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Old 07-31-2016, 11:45 AM
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who he WAS is no longer relevant......and no i don't think he is staying away out of RESPECT. i think he has ceased to CARE, sad to say.

we suggest here to look at their ACTIONS......of the three rehabs he attended, he amassed what? 62 days? in total? left early twice? and i presume has not continued any type of aftercare. just goes back to his old ways. doesn't come home. doesn't call. takes the car leaving you without transportation. shows little to interest in his own infant daughter.

its ugly and nobody wants to think that is what they are really up against. but we can only maintain the illusion and lie to ourselves for so long.
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Old 07-31-2016, 01:01 PM
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII View Post
who he WAS is no longer relevant......and no i don't think he is staying away out of RESPECT. i think he has ceased to CARE, sad to say.

we suggest here to look at their ACTIONS......of the three rehabs he attended, he amassed what? 62 days? in total? left early twice? and i presume has not continued any type of aftercare. just goes back to his old ways. doesn't come home. doesn't call. takes the car leaving you without transportation. shows little to interest in his own infant daughter.

its ugly and nobody wants to think that is what they are really up against. but we can only maintain the illusion and lie to ourselves for so long.
This is spot on. You help me so much with your messages! Thank you!
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Old 07-31-2016, 01:24 PM
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i was a crack addict.....and it's a nasty place. not a lot make it out. thEre are some superstars here on SR - LarryLive, Impurrfect, Marcus, NerfMichael (sp??)....just to name a few. and while i will not put words in their mouths, i think a common theme when it comes to dealing with crack addicts to to RUN LIKE HELL.
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Old 07-31-2016, 03:11 PM
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Drugs make certain behavior, ideas, decisions easier to act on but they tend not to manufacture them.
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Old 07-31-2016, 05:05 PM
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Originally Posted by thequest View Post
Drugs make certain behavior, ideas, decisions easier to act on but they tend not to manufacture them.
I don't really understand...can u explain it to please?
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Old 08-04-2016, 02:27 AM
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From my experience those "little mysterious things" happening are always our gut feeling and instincts telling us that yes he IS using. The new friend he spends so much time with is most definitely probably an addict or dealer or both. Your not going crazy always trust your gut. My ex addict boyfriend would always say that guys he was hanging out with were for jobs he was doing so I would question myself and not want to stop him from work opportunities. Every time I was right that it was a dealer or addict friend. Once he spent all his time with ...according to him, a friend he had met through his grandmas church that ran a recovery self help group. You have got to admire his creativity. This guy would pick him up. He looked pretty square and my ex said he had a good job and I would be crazy to think he is using heroin. I checked like the little investigator I am and although my gut told me this guy was a dealer it turned out he did in fact have this good job so I thought oh I am crazy and I shouldn't stop him from hanging out with this guy. Well, guess what? The guy turned up on the news for getting caught selling heroin and meth in a seedy hotel room. Because of his public job they really blasted him on the news. Always go with your gut !!
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Old 08-04-2016, 02:34 AM
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Originally Posted by Jk1986 View Post
I don't really understand...can u explain it to please?
What I get from this is although being on a drug might make ideas and behaviors easier to act on the person already had the ability to be this type of person already within them. For example my ex addict boyfriend steals anything and everything from anyone including from his family or friends and from stores. I think he already has these thoughts in him and is that type of person with no respect for others who work for there belongings. When he's not using he most likely won't do this but on drugs everyone's getting robbed.
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Old 08-04-2016, 05:41 AM
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I don't really have advice to add, but I wanted to chime in with empathy - my AH was using crack by the time everything hit the fan my situation. He's an alcoholic too. Much love to you, I know how hard this is.

My AH also had progressively spent less and less time at home and treated me and our 3 children, the youngest of whom was an infant at the time, like we didn't matter (actually, in retrospect, he treated me/the kids that way the entire time we were together, but I digress). He eventually left and abandoned us altogether, but that has turned out to be the beginning of my renewal.
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Old 08-04-2016, 10:56 AM
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Originally Posted by uncaged View Post
From my experience those "little mysterious things" happening are always our gut feeling and instincts telling us that yes he IS using. The new friend he spends so much time with is most definitely probably an addict or dealer or both. Your not going crazy always trust your gut. My ex addict boyfriend would always say that guys he was hanging out with were for jobs he was doing so I would question myself and not want to stop him from work opportunities. Every time I was right that it was a dealer or addict friend. Once he spent all his time with ...according to him, a friend he had met through his grandmas church that ran a recovery self help group. You have got to admire his creativity. This guy would pick him up. He looked pretty square and my ex said he had a good job and I would be crazy to think he is using heroin. I checked like the little investigator I am and although my gut told me this guy was a dealer it turned out he did in fact have this good job so I thought oh I am crazy and I shouldn't stop him from hanging out with this guy. Well, guess what? The guy turned up on the news for getting caught selling heroin and meth in a seedy hotel room. Because of his public job they really blasted him on the news. Always go with your gut !!
Wow! That's crazy! I've talked to his friend before & asked him did he think or knw if my husband was using again & he said no, he didn't think he was using but to me it seemed like he wasn't surprised that I was asking if my husband was using. I think anyone else would've responded in shock like "what?! Why would u think that!!" He was a little too calm for me. I just have a feeling that somethings not right
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Old 08-04-2016, 03:00 PM
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May I ask why you are continuing to look for the answers? I understand the truth is hard to accept but if what likes a duck, acts like a duck......

I had to stop listening to his words, they were poison to me!! They just kept me confused, in denial and questioning my own sanity.
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