FaithChaser

I realize that anger is a huge part of being codependent. I'm reading Codependent No More and I think that book is a conspiracy! Someone has been spying on me!!! I realize my anger has much to do with my wanting to control the others around me, well control the AH. But (yes I know everything that comes after but is poop), it seems that things, not just small things, keep happening that are testing me just when I feel like I've let things go. This year for example, has been hell! My mother has had three brain surgeries and my father a severe stroke, at the same time (in 2 different hospitals to boot), I have totalled my car causing some yuck injuries to my neck, gotten second degree burns all over my face, and just yesterday, I re-injured my arm that was reconstructed in 1995 after a horse threw me into a wall. It was in peices and now I believe a chip has come off to cause a considerable amount of pain. I cannot afford to go to the doctor again, but my bread and butter is my cleaning service. I don't know if I can work like this, I have to work, considering the mess I have finacially (bankruptcy this spring). I'm wondering why all these things keep happening. Am I somehow causing them??? My brother said it's because i'm surrounded by bad Karma, and he adores my AH. The thing is with every new problem I lose it, I have a total temer-tantrum. I'm just plain mean to the hubby, I want him to feel my pain even though I know he's not capable of doing so. Part of it I can use the excuse that pain made me do it, but I'm just too dang immature. It's like I'm so frustrated with things that I lose control of my emotions and God help anyone that is around me. I prayed for a break, guess what, it's so true be careful what you pray for! Um dear Lord, when I said a break, I didn't mean my arm!!!! Anyone go through a time like this? I definately need to make this bad karma or whatever go away before it completely consumes me. I'm trying to be positive with everything in me on the one hand, but on the other hand I feel as if my HP has abandoned me and the AH has abandoned me with his drinking (yes the book said that I may feel that way) am I just over-reacting again? UGH, help!

Ann

FaithChaser

With all that has happened to you, no wonder you get angry. I am dealing with a lot less than you are and I totally lost my temper last night, didn't hurt anyone but threw something clear across the room, and I never do that.

Me too. So what do we do? Acting out in anger hurts us as much as anyone around us, and it solves nothing. For me, it was building up for a long time and that was just my last nerve getting stepped on that allowed me to act out so badly. I have to say, it even felt good, but it was not a good thing to do.

I think I need to find a better release for my frustrations, whether it is exercise, walking, writing it out, or sharing it here...anything to release the pressure that is building.

And I need to think more about solutions and less about the problem. I need to think of ways to move forward, to get through or past my problem and to keep my balance as I go.

I'd love to hear from others, how they release the tension, the frustration and the anger. I can use all the help I can get.

Hugs
Ann

Live

I used to go out into the woods and throw rocks at trees. The sound delighted me when I hit it square on good and hard. And then I would wind up laughing. At myself.

Daffodil

I used to make bread. Not the speed kind they have now or in a bread makers. It seemed to help kneeding the dough. Besides that my sponsor told me it was productive (she usually got a loaf) LOL! But since I was new to the program I baked quite often and then ALL of us started putting on weight. Now I only bake bread for Christmas presents. You can bet even thro she isn't now my sponsor, she still gets a loaf at Christmas.
Now I try to walk it off when my health will allow. I find that I hord my anger. It is much easier on me to deal with little bits of it than to stock pile it.

Since I am always looking for new ways to vent I too am hoping for others to step forward with suggestions.

Good thread FaithChaser!

JessicaNAJ

I have anxiety issues, bad too. I can fly off the handle with the flip of a switch. It's a mental thing, like depression. I was on prozac for 7 years to control my "temper". I got off it in April. Not pretty for a while. After 8 months of working on myself, I am starting to see the triggers and I am able to walk away. If I can't walk away, I have learned better ways to handle my frustration.

My daughter wouldn't stop whining, she was tired. I was trying to go the bathroom. She was standing right there in front of me wanting me to hold her (she's 3). I was trying to tell her to hold on, I'm trying to go potty! She cried harder. She's very demanding, God love her. I could feel my "temper" flaring - Instead of yelling at her (one thing I'm realling good at) to get her attention, I clapped my hands a few times, hard (it hurt). It was effective and it worked. My anxiety was calmed for a minute, she wasn't more upset, and my throat didn't hurt....lol

FaithChaser

Thanks so much for your suggestions! I thought that I'm going nutty. I know this is a taught way to express emotions for some people myself included. I remember both of my parents throwing things and blowing up. (they still do only much more mellow in their late 70's) There were only 2 emotions in that household, happiness and anger. I seem to have taken that on as well. I think that's the norm for an alcoholic household. Somehow myself and both of my sisters married alcoholics and two of us are now active in recovery. I'm so very grateful for recovery and what it is doing for our next generations so that this disease may not be carried on and on.
I know if I can get a grip on this part of my recovery process that things will be much better for ME. I still just let it over-take me and wonder if I'm somehow subconciously causing a lot of pain for myself out of guilt or whatever. I don't blow up anymore unless I'm in total physical pain but I seem to keep being in total physical pain by one accident or another. I decided to at least talk to one doctor since I think in this situation I cannot afford not to. He told me that it is either a dislocation or a bone chip for sure and I need x-rays and an orthopedic surgeon. Wonderful more bills... He did say that there is a possibility that I can manipulate it myself to get it back into place. Sounds funny but I have done it with horses LOL Well if it saves me 2k I'm sure gonna try.
Sorry for my rambling but agian I'm so very grateful that I have somewhere I can

~Faithchaser

insane

its been brought to my attention (and i'm trying to accept it) that i have an anger problem....

that i have to work more on my original wounds from childhood and the resulting anger....

that many of my reactions and angry outbursts are exaggerated in the isolated situation....

but because i keep experiencing all of the stuff that happens with my ah as just a continuation of my childhood wounds, i react in big bad ways.....

i usually feel good while i'm doing it then i feel shame, remorse, really bad for myself and for whoever was the target....

i'm trying to find ways to manage this.....its really really hard for me

Live

ooooo...maybe you should ignore my method. My psychologist told me to do it because I didn't know how to feel anger. It was built up but locked up tight as a fortress.
I had to learn to recognize anger feelings and feel them. They were so locked up, she wanted me to throw things!

But then I got with an A and whew, anger became a problem. But the things I was angry about was natural reactions, I just didn't handle them very well. (understatement)

For humor, one thing that resulted, is that when I am angry, my aim is true and dead on when if I throw something.

It's been over a year since I threw something and that was a bouquet of flowers over my balcony aimed at my bf's head. I had bought them for him... and in his words I was mad as a wet hen. He simply said I will not argue with you and went home. I missed, they didn't weigh enough.

Hope I am not intruding, just felt like inserting a little humor.

FaithChaser

Humor is wonderful! thanks!
I'm learning bit by bit to keep focused on not exploding for myself... The wrath I have found is simply not worth the explosion. I still wonder how I am somehow causing all the craziness to continue in my life. I try to hard to please everyone by doing my normal cooking and cleaning during the holidays, and trying to find the perfect gifts for everyone.... typical codependent behavior i suppose.
Yesterday I learned that my older sister had purchased our youngest sister and her bf and herself tickets to Paris, they had hidden it from me due to their knowing that I would be hurt... My only expression to her was that I was extremely jealous that I was not included and that I was also jealous of their close relationship and wished that I was as close to them both. Also that I couldn't watch one of their cats due to my allergies while they were away (yey me, usually I would say, "oh sure drop him off" and suffer the entire time). She tried to call me several times, but I turned my phone off due to wanting some time alone. Anyway, the sis (a well educated patent attorney) came over to my home later yesterday evening and proceeded to physically attack me. She caused me some bruises and cuts, and yanked out quite a bit of my hair, it hurt physically but more so emotionally. I really have no clue as to why she did this, and I also had no clue that she was a physically violent person, I only see her a few times per year due to her living in another state. I today am proud of myself for not over-reacting I remained calm and turned the other cheek, I managed to RUN to get into my car and stayed away until she was gone. I cannot understand this type of behavior and cannot understand what i did that set her off other than not allowing her to control my emotions. I simply refused to talk to her. I can see now that all of my relationships have been effected by my codependency not just that of myself and my ah. I have decided that part of my disease is in allowing unhealthy people to be around me, it is my choice whether or not I allow that to continue. For today, I am keeping my distance from them and not allowing them in my life. I will find new and healthy relationships that keep me motivated to move forward in a healthy direction. I don't need to hate or explode. My only job right now is to take care of me. It is very sad to me that I will have to leave family behind in order to do this. But they are not healthy and don't want me to succeed for their own sick reasons. Has anyone else ever felt this??? Geesh what a lonely place to be.

cwohio

i think i identify with live - i let my anger build and don't say anything at the time and then when i do....look out! my dad always said, "keep your mouth shut and you'll be better off." not true obviously - i have to learn to address my anger at that moment (tough after all these years of doing the opposite)!

dreamcatcher

I also try to address the anger at the moment and try to identify where it is coming from. Anger is the result of an emotion, usually in dealing with an alcohlic it comes from hurt. I am not an angry or violent person, but have become a hysterical monster when my AH has done something to hurt, humiliate or scare me (anger can also come from fear). When I can stop and realize that this irrational person does not deserve this energy I can usually calm down because I know whatever I say or do will not phase him. I DANCE and Sing to relieve my tension. Yes alone in my front room. Put on a really good song and let it go. Here is a list of good ones "I will Survive" Gloria Gaynor, Don't Do Me Like That" Tom Petty. "Heaven" Los Lonley Boys. Just to name a few. Try it is fun.