Idkwhoiam

I have been married for almost 6 years, totaling 8byears of together.I had 2 kids when we started dating 5 &8he'd just gotten out of the halfway house and we'll we were the spot. We went to church. I loved him, I wasn't perfect but I loved him and I was loyal to him. His first relapse occurred on my wedding night. He LEFT me at my wedding, had sex with another woman and STILL I took him back and walked through Forgiveness. We joined a CELEBRATE recovery and it was all good. We even became ministry leaders.... for 5 years....we stood up front week after week sharing our story of restoration and his journey to recovery.was good for about 4 years. He left no reason, got high, slept with another women..... I took him back we did couples counseling, we survived it... I fully trusted him again.... 3 months ago he cut the cameras off and snuck out..... snuck back in the morning. We "talked through it" 3 days later he was gone. For a week.... came back.... this times things were different. He wasn't allowed in the room, or the bed, I'm not doing any more marriage help classes. I'm doing my therapy you figure you out. We stay in separate rooms. It lasts about a month and then something shifted. He lost his crap I told hom to leave....and he did. 6 weeks ago. It's Been the most heartbreaking thing in the world. Holidays, big changes within the home, christmas and he just is like ok Im done being with other girls and wanted to come home. But I'm not doing it anymore. I'm not driving around looking. I'm not pleading for him to come home. I'm not stalking him. I am focused on my healing, figuring out my financial mess losing an income and now a single parent. This week the I'm sorry are coming in, the can I come homes.... I miss you.... sending me songs and photos. I can't do this anymore. Ive been in the grief cycle 3 months, I'm on therapy 2 times a week, visit churches as often as possible teying to build a support system I dont have. I've grown so much, but not enough to be strong. I dont respond or answer evwr. He sends me songs. Asks to tak to his son, but I dont teust him or what he'll say. Hes not in a healthy state and I'm not strong enough to engage
I MISS MY HUSBAND, BUT THIS MAN IS NOT MY HUSBAND. Help me stay strong. Are there any survivors of this?

Zencat

Welcome to SR.

RDBplus3

My Perspective:
Completely eliminate the poison. Completely cut it out of your life. Poison coupled with a personality is worse than poison in a bottle or a pill or a syringe. 'Forgiveness' means accepting that a person is a flawed human being, and being able to isolate feelings of wanting revenge, or mis-guided feelings of thinking that staying involved is included in 'forgiveness' - it means being able to let it all go, and focus on your path in a new direction, completely separated from the poison. There is a time-honored saying that may need repeating - Beware of a Silver-Tongued Devil. Shut it Oot and Pray for Freedom from it.

RDBplus3 - Happy, Joyous and Free - and I KNOW You Can B 2