Cocaine and husband
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2022
Posts: 12
Cocaine and husband
Hi my husband walked out on our 24 year marriage September leaving me with out 2 young boys , it came out after he was a coke addict and owed dealers around 50 k , he was stabbed February as a warning for the debt and says he can never come home , I’m struggling massively with it all , the lies the deception , the loss of my future I had imagined , he let us suffer financially the last few months too I just feel so lost no one seems to understand how I feel , I love hom
still I’m struggling to move on , he won’t say where he is staying he says he’s not doing coke now but I don’t believe him , I miss the old him so much I’ve made zero progress moving on , still struggling to eat , sleep think , I think I have a trauma bond any advice please im
desperate 🥲
still I’m struggling to move on , he won’t say where he is staying he says he’s not doing coke now but I don’t believe him , I miss the old him so much I’ve made zero progress moving on , still struggling to eat , sleep think , I think I have a trauma bond any advice please im
desperate 🥲
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Hi, Frankie......welcome to the forum. I can imagine that you are in a state of shock, right now.
I think it is essential that you have contact with those who do understand-----and, you may have to take the initiative to reach out for that help. Face to face contact makes all the difference.
I realize that you live in a different country---and, I live here in the United States.
I suggest that you reach out to the closest Naranon group. Do a google search. If there are none close to your house---you should be able to find a group online.
You can try to find a local alanon group, also----or, one on line.
You might call on the Health Service and ask to see a drug and addictions counselor and perhaps, a social worker.---as they will understand what you are going through.
You really must get some support as this is simply too difficult to go through alone.
I am so sorry for what you are left with on your shoulders. Actually, you and the children are probably much safer by not knowing where he is, right now.
I think it is essential that you have contact with those who do understand-----and, you may have to take the initiative to reach out for that help. Face to face contact makes all the difference.
I realize that you live in a different country---and, I live here in the United States.
I suggest that you reach out to the closest Naranon group. Do a google search. If there are none close to your house---you should be able to find a group online.
You can try to find a local alanon group, also----or, one on line.
You might call on the Health Service and ask to see a drug and addictions counselor and perhaps, a social worker.---as they will understand what you are going through.
You really must get some support as this is simply too difficult to go through alone.
I am so sorry for what you are left with on your shoulders. Actually, you and the children are probably much safer by not knowing where he is, right now.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 291
Hi Frankie
I'm sorry to read of the situation you're in. As dandylion said, it is important for you to try and reach out to others who have experienced similar.
Friends and family, with the best will in the world, don't understand, if they have never had to deal with an addict in the family. It's so difficult, but in order to survive, self preservation must kick in.
It is my son who is the addict in my life. He too was stabbed, for stepping on the toes of a dealer. He was lucky to survive, as the severity of the attack was looked upon as attempted murder, but no culprits were found. These people don't mess around Frankie, so to be honest, you and your boys are safer, without your husband there. Have there been any unknown people approaching your door, looking for him? This can happen too. These people are bad Frankie, so it's best your husband isn't there, however, if you think about it, he left you to deal with any potential repercussions, and disappeared, without any thought to what could have happened to you and your boys.
We can't turn our emotions off like a tap, it takes time to process everything, but concentrate on getting support for you. Your boys need you, and rely on you, so you have to take care of yourself, so you can take care of them. Stay around the forum, and get support from others who will share their experiences with you. I don't know where you live, but find out if their are any face to face meeting, that you could attend, if you want that.
Try and get "mad, not sad", and that may push you to where you need to be, and to take better care of you Frankie.
Sending a hug.
Much Love
Bute x
I'm sorry to read of the situation you're in. As dandylion said, it is important for you to try and reach out to others who have experienced similar.
Friends and family, with the best will in the world, don't understand, if they have never had to deal with an addict in the family. It's so difficult, but in order to survive, self preservation must kick in.
It is my son who is the addict in my life. He too was stabbed, for stepping on the toes of a dealer. He was lucky to survive, as the severity of the attack was looked upon as attempted murder, but no culprits were found. These people don't mess around Frankie, so to be honest, you and your boys are safer, without your husband there. Have there been any unknown people approaching your door, looking for him? This can happen too. These people are bad Frankie, so it's best your husband isn't there, however, if you think about it, he left you to deal with any potential repercussions, and disappeared, without any thought to what could have happened to you and your boys.
We can't turn our emotions off like a tap, it takes time to process everything, but concentrate on getting support for you. Your boys need you, and rely on you, so you have to take care of yourself, so you can take care of them. Stay around the forum, and get support from others who will share their experiences with you. I don't know where you live, but find out if their are any face to face meeting, that you could attend, if you want that.
Try and get "mad, not sad", and that may push you to where you need to be, and to take better care of you Frankie.
Sending a hug.
Much Love
Bute x
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2022
Posts: 12
Hi thankyou both I’m uk I’m going to look into some support meetings here x im so sorry to hear about your son my husband was lucky his were only minor stabbings , he’s giving me the bare minimum of any truth , he says as long as he stays away we arnt in any danger I, I’m thoroughly drained off it all im
in counselling but everyday I’m just thinking of him I can’t see why he won’t tell anyone where he is staying the whole thing is making me Ill I just don’t understand how he can get into
Something like this at 40 and be willing to just loose us all I don’t know him
anymore I’m so scared for the future without him in it he says he’s stopped taking it but failed a drug test a few weeks ago and refuses to take one since I wake up everyday and still can’t believe this is my life thanks for listening 🥲
in counselling but everyday I’m just thinking of him I can’t see why he won’t tell anyone where he is staying the whole thing is making me Ill I just don’t understand how he can get into
Something like this at 40 and be willing to just loose us all I don’t know him
anymore I’m so scared for the future without him in it he says he’s stopped taking it but failed a drug test a few weeks ago and refuses to take one since I wake up everyday and still can’t believe this is my life thanks for listening 🥲
Member
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 291
Hi Frankie,
You will come out the otherside, I promise you. It just breaks your heart at the time, and all the plans that you had for the future, go up in a puff of smoke. Addiction knows no boundaries, once it catches hold, it is an absolute b*gger, regardless of age.
I am going to PM you Frankie. I'm in UK also.
Just take each day as it comes, and roll with it. Do what you need to do to get to the next day.
Much Love
Bute x
You will come out the otherside, I promise you. It just breaks your heart at the time, and all the plans that you had for the future, go up in a puff of smoke. Addiction knows no boundaries, once it catches hold, it is an absolute b*gger, regardless of age.
I am going to PM you Frankie. I'm in UK also.
Just take each day as it comes, and roll with it. Do what you need to do to get to the next day.
Much Love
Bute x
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2022
Posts: 12
Originally Posted by Bute 
Hi Frankie,
You will come out the otherside, I promise you. It just breaks your heart at the time, and all the plans that you had for the future, go up in a puff of smoke. Addiction knows no boundaries, once it catches hold, it is an absolute b*gger, regardless of age.
I am going to PM you Frankie. I'm in UK also.
Just take each day as it comes, and roll with it. Do what you need to do to get to the next day.
Much Love
Bute x
You will come out the otherside, I promise you. It just breaks your heart at the time, and all the plans that you had for the future, go up in a puff of smoke. Addiction knows no boundaries, once it catches hold, it is an absolute b*gger, regardless of age.
I am going to PM you Frankie. I'm in UK also.
Just take each day as it comes, and roll with it. Do what you need to do to get to the next day.
Much Love
Bute x
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: uk
Posts: 2,428
Sorry to read of the situation you are in. I very much agree that it is too much to deal with on your own. I am in the UK too, is it worth seeing your GP, even if they can't help, they might be able to refer you on.
I think you are right that you are likely to be Trauma Bonded with him and is hugely adding to the difficulty of it all. The Trauma Bond I was in with my late husband took about 8 or 9 months to completely break, just to give you an idea. Once broken, things became enormously easier to deal with.
Please stick around and keep posting. People here will understand you.
I think you are right that you are likely to be Trauma Bonded with him and is hugely adding to the difficulty of it all. The Trauma Bond I was in with my late husband took about 8 or 9 months to completely break, just to give you an idea. Once broken, things became enormously easier to deal with.
Please stick around and keep posting. People here will understand you.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: uk
Posts: 2,428
Originally Posted by Frankierose
Hi how did you break the bond ? I’m seeing a counsellor and my gp has gave me anxiety meds x
In my case my alcoholic husband died so that happened naturally. My neighbour was discarded by her alcoholic narc partner at the same time as my husband died. The ex-partner kept coming back to hoover her in as they do, her Trauma Bond is still active, she is still suffering.
Good to hear your GP is supporting you with anxiety meds, also that you are seeing a counsellor. I found Al-anon helpful.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Frankie....I can say that we---all of us who have been in your situation, know how you are feeling and how much it hurts. It hurts; beyond words and we feel heart-broken. In fact, the grieving reaction goes on for quite a while----and the goal is to keep living THROUGH it. it doesn't last forever.
One day you will be able to look back on this.
Right now---the thing to do is to get through each day in one piece and do the next right thing necessary for yourself and the kids.
It is o.k. if you cry---cry as much as you need---especially After the kids are in bed. Crying is actually very therapeutic during the grieving.
Personally, I have cried oceans of tears----I believe, a lot in the solace of crying.
One day you will be able to look back on this.
Right now---the thing to do is to get through each day in one piece and do the next right thing necessary for yourself and the kids.
It is o.k. if you cry---cry as much as you need---especially After the kids are in bed. Crying is actually very therapeutic during the grieving.
Personally, I have cried oceans of tears----I believe, a lot in the solace of crying.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: uk
Posts: 2,428
Originally Posted by Frankierose
I can’t go no contact due to the kids every time I see him or he rings it just breaks my heart 🥲
Tiktok using #traumabond has huge amounts of information and advice from other people going through it, as well as therapists. There is loads on Tiktok on how to manage both dealing with partner who uses drugs as well as how to co-parent with one. It is a goldmine of information and help on trauma recovery too. It has helped me massively.
You Tube too, of course.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: uk
Posts: 2,428
Originally Posted by Frankierose
Thank you so much I’ll take a look xxx
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: uk
Posts: 2,428
It seemed to start off as an app for teens to make dance videos but it has changed and there are huge amounts of people working on personal growth and trauma recovery. I joined in first Lockdown here and have learnt so much from it.
I find the information presented in short, clear, concise ways. Easy to take in especially when in the awful fog of a Trauma Bond or exhaustion from a toxic situation.
Hope you have a decent Sunday. Take care.
I find the information presented in short, clear, concise ways. Easy to take in especially when in the awful fog of a Trauma Bond or exhaustion from a toxic situation.
Hope you have a decent Sunday. Take care.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 291
Hi Frankie,
Limit your contact with him. How old are your boys? Are they old enough to use a mobile? If so, buy a cheap 20 quid one from Tesco, and tell him that is how he contacts the boys, and if he calls your mobile, he won't get an answer.
Txtn is also less personal. If he wants to discuss something in relation to the boys, he txts you first to confirm its ok to call you.
I'm assuming he doesn't spend time with with them at the moment if he has left the area?
You have to put boundaries in place, that protect you. Take some of your power back. Its on your terms then, not his. He doesn't deserve terms, as he left his family. You are in control of those terms, not him.
When you start to feel empowered again, you won't feel as bad as you do now. You feel bad due to things happening outwith your control, anx it can be overwhelminv, so, control the things you can.
Force yourself to do stuff, ANYTHING, when you are stuck in the rut of thinking about him. It will pass.
I believe you have to make a certain number of posts before you can PM Frankie - I can't remember how many it is though.
Much Love
Bute x
Limit your contact with him. How old are your boys? Are they old enough to use a mobile? If so, buy a cheap 20 quid one from Tesco, and tell him that is how he contacts the boys, and if he calls your mobile, he won't get an answer.
Txtn is also less personal. If he wants to discuss something in relation to the boys, he txts you first to confirm its ok to call you.
I'm assuming he doesn't spend time with with them at the moment if he has left the area?
You have to put boundaries in place, that protect you. Take some of your power back. Its on your terms then, not his. He doesn't deserve terms, as he left his family. You are in control of those terms, not him.
When you start to feel empowered again, you won't feel as bad as you do now. You feel bad due to things happening outwith your control, anx it can be overwhelminv, so, control the things you can.
Force yourself to do stuff, ANYTHING, when you are stuck in the rut of thinking about him. It will pass.
I believe you have to make a certain number of posts before you can PM Frankie - I can't remember how many it is though.
Much Love
Bute x
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Rose......it IS awful for the first weeks or months. It will start to get better---rather, You will get better at coping. Really....what other choice is there? One begins to learn to cope, or they don't.
It is a demonstrated fact, that getting face to face support people is the best way to get some relief for yourself.
In your case, it is important to take care of yourself so that you can raise your two young children.
The stakes are high....and most of us recognize this----actually, it becomes life and death---when one is dealing with drug dealers...and thousands of dolllars of unpaid debt to them....and, already been stabbed by them---plus the fact that cocaine habit, in itself is a known killer of many.
At this point....it seems that basic Safety and staying Alive is a first priority for consideration.
For certain...you are sad and grieving and still stunned and in a stage of disbelief----wishing that this hadn't happened. But, things that have happened cannot be unhappened---not even by God.
Consider that it may be unsafe for him to be hanging at your current house----unsafe for all of you.
I am going to share a story from my life that can show how serious this situation can become. It is about a neighbor family...about 3 blocks from my house. Now this neighborhood looks like a typical peaceful middle American neighborhood. Never had a murder in the neighborhood.
This family had a young adult son who had been away studying in an exclusive school for becoming a chief. He came home on Christmas vacation and shared with his parents that he needed to keep a :"low profile", as he owed "some guys some money". One day when the mother was out Christmas shopping, and the father was at work----the mother returned home to discover that her son had been shot in the head twice.
Needless to say...our whole neighborhood was in shock and the parents were devastated. (this happened several years ago).
I am not saying this to scare you---but, to underline how serious this can be when drug dealers are involved.
I think that it may be safer for him and you that your husband is living at an undisclosed location---even if he is away from you and the kids, just now.
It is a demonstrated fact, that getting face to face support people is the best way to get some relief for yourself.
In your case, it is important to take care of yourself so that you can raise your two young children.
The stakes are high....and most of us recognize this----actually, it becomes life and death---when one is dealing with drug dealers...and thousands of dolllars of unpaid debt to them....and, already been stabbed by them---plus the fact that cocaine habit, in itself is a known killer of many.
At this point....it seems that basic Safety and staying Alive is a first priority for consideration.
For certain...you are sad and grieving and still stunned and in a stage of disbelief----wishing that this hadn't happened. But, things that have happened cannot be unhappened---not even by God.
Consider that it may be unsafe for him to be hanging at your current house----unsafe for all of you.
I am going to share a story from my life that can show how serious this situation can become. It is about a neighbor family...about 3 blocks from my house. Now this neighborhood looks like a typical peaceful middle American neighborhood. Never had a murder in the neighborhood.
This family had a young adult son who had been away studying in an exclusive school for becoming a chief. He came home on Christmas vacation and shared with his parents that he needed to keep a :"low profile", as he owed "some guys some money". One day when the mother was out Christmas shopping, and the father was at work----the mother returned home to discover that her son had been shot in the head twice.
Needless to say...our whole neighborhood was in shock and the parents were devastated. (this happened several years ago).
I am not saying this to scare you---but, to underline how serious this can be when drug dealers are involved.
I think that it may be safer for him and you that your husband is living at an undisclosed location---even if he is away from you and the kids, just now.
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