Sct1984

Hello All and thank you for welcoming me.

I am in my late 30s and I very much need to quit drinking altogether. Physically I need to, but despite this, I suppose my desire to drink outweighs my need and I am looking for guidance on how to get over this desire.

I describe myself as a functioning alcoholic and admittedly dependent on alcohol to feel like I am functioning effectively. During the week I spread my consumption throughout the day, but by the day's end (I first open the bottle around 530AM), I have generally consumed 12-18oz of hard liquor a day, nearly every day. I was able to stop for 3 months on the advice of my doctor, however, he gave me the "all-clear" to consume again "in moderation"... but this was based on blood work alone. Big mistake. A few months ago I had an ultra sound on advice of another doctor after seeing more recent bloodwork (an unrelated issue), and again I was advised to stop drinking completely due to an enlarged liver. Despite this, I know I am going down a destructive path and continue to drink. Recently (a couple of weeks ago), I got myself down to 2oz first thing in the morning, nothing during the day, and a glass of wine at night. I had 2 days of zero alcohol and admittedly I felt better. I really am not sure what happened, but I've started again and back up to close to 12oz a day again. In short, my wife has no clue how much I drink, and I do feel ashamed that I don't seem to have control over it. Otherwise, I feel that I am happy in my life, have a great family - loving wife and kids. My schedule over all and work isn't overly stressful, so I am stuck to ask myself - why am I knowingly destroying my health? I am hoping that being involved here will curb my interest in drinking and hoping that I am able to help others along the way.

Dee74

Hi and welcome Sct

First drink of the day @ 530 am , drinking to function, drinking in spite of health concerns, trying to keep the scope of your drinking a secret…all that really runs counter to the whole functioning thing.

I’m not trying to rile you… I know what you mean…but I bet you’ll be amazed at how functional you really are without alcohol

D

Zencat

to SR Sct. You will find plenty of support here.

Maybe its? I believe I can function while intoxicated. Or do I believe I have to be intoxicated to function?
Either way, alcohol does not enhance function or even allow a person to act sober while intoxicated.

I'm glad you are here with us on your sober journey.

CBS62

Welcome. Keep reading and posting. Stop drinking. It will get better and easier the longer you are free of alcohol's grip. Read Alcohol Explained by William Porter. Excellent book.

Anna

I'm glad you found us and posted. I hope you decide to stop drinking completely. We're here to offer support.

Radix

If you experience physical symptoms when you stop drinking, then you may need to detox under medical supervision, just throwing that out there.

As for knocking away the desire to drink, there is a technique called AVRT (which you can learn about by using the search feature here); in a nutshell, AVRT clarifies that the part of you that desires alcohol is the primitive "lizard brain" part, the part that only wants to satisfy cravings and meet immediate needs. Food, water, sex, etc.

The other part of you -- the more complete, full part, is the part that contains the rest of your personality: your values, your ability to look at something with discerning judgment, your ability to delay gratification when it makes sense; this is the part of you that can live for things more meaningful than simple immediate bliss.

Knowing which part of you is motivating you at any moment can be the beginning of curbing your interest in doing self-destructive things.

Welcome to SR. Others will have good tips and perspectives for you as well. I'm sure you'll find things that resonate.

Purplrks3647

Welcome Sct!

nez

Hi Sct, glad you joined us. Welcome. Your story sounds very familiar to me.

What is your interest in drinking? What do you feel it does for you?

ImNotThatGuy

Welcome, Sct. You got the clear sign I was always hoping to get but never got: you know you're going to die if you don't quit completely and forever. Once your liver gives out, you're a goner. I've seen it happen. It's horrible.

Sounds like you know what you need to do. Now it's just a matter of doing it.

By the way, I bet your wife knows how much you drink. Don't kid yourself. I bet she'd be happy if you quit too.

I hope you come back here and post regularly. It helps me and has helped many others.

Wishing you the best.

mns1

Nice to meet you Sct.

I'm gonna have to agree that total abstinence is the best way forward for you.

You can do this. Glad you're here.

Hevyn

It's wonderful to have you join us, Sct. You never have to feel alone.
With the encouragement I found here, I was able to get free after decades of dependence. It's a great place.

lmvalentine

Hello sct. It’s always nice to have a new person aboard.

KTB5000

Welcome Sct glad you're here
❤

Robbie64

Welcome to SoberRecovery Sct

DriGuy

I think that was typical for most of us. If your desire to drink is stronger than your other needs, you are going to drink. It's what you want to do. Getting rid of the desire happened to me when I began to face my problem and understand that my desire was driven by my addiction, and not some other emotionally healthy need. However, I never actually understood that dynamic until after I quit when I could finally see myself with a clearer vision.

Most of us alcoholics were functioning when we quit, and probably most of us didn't feel like things were that serious before we decided to quit. Maybe they were serious or maybe not. However, needing alcohol to function effectively is usually associated with late stage alcoholism. This is the point where your whole mental and physical self require the alcohol that has altered the physical and chemical structures of your organs and tissues so that you no longer function properly in an alcohol free state. That's why advanced alcoholics start drinking upon awakening to get the alcohol their bodies and minds need to "function." I remember a story told to me by an alcoholic who wanted to get to an appointment for help, but he was too sober to read the address he had been given, so he bought a bottle and started to drink until he could focus his eyes. Of course, we don't all experience the need to drink in the same way, or exhibit the same symptoms. Much of this, maybe most of it, can be repaired when you quit for good.

Welcome to the group. I hope you can find something helpful here.

Sct1984

Thank you. Not riled, but perhaps we have a different definition of what functional means. I am saying that in the sense that I don't neglect my responsibilities such as work, family responsibilities (making dinner, getting my kids to extra-curriculars, etc), but I tend to coordinate my drinking around those responsibilities. If we have friends over, I won't hide any drinking, and I will have wine with my wife during dinner, at a restaurant, etc, and I'll let her know if, for example, I shouldn't drive home from a birthday party. So when I say "drink to function" - I mean so more like, ok, I've gotta get some work done around the house, or yard work done, etc, but I want to have a couple of drinks first.

Thank you for encouragement.

Sct1984

Thank you, I'll give this a shot (no pun intended lol)

SouthernSober

Welcome. Keep coming back.

Sct1984

Thanks. I would guarantee she doesn't know how much, actually, but it has come up (usually late at night when I'm trying to stay awake for a show or something), whether or not I've been drinking and my response is typically, ya I had a bit too much. She has said things like "but I don't even see you drinking", and I would simply say well, I had a drink while you're out or, while you were bathing the kids, while I was making dinner, etc. I just don't typically say how much and she doesn't ask.

Either way, yes, my concern is that I've gotten the signs and instructions to stop. I just really don't know how. I was pretty determined to not have any drink this morning, and felt pretty strongly that I'd have control this morning, but somehow managed to give in.

Sct1984

Thank you for your insight. I am perhaps too short sighted/impulsive to fully recognize that my future needs should outweigh my current wants (or, as you put it, maybe, a current physical need). I think now I just need the strength to stop for a few days. That seems to have been my past hurdle. 1 day was never a problem when I put my mind to it. Always starts with a, "ok, nothing this morning". When I manage to go through the day and night to the next morning, those nights I do go through physical withdrawal - night sweats, restlessness at night, for a night or 2. If I get past those few nights, I'm good for a month or so and then I somehow let myself get dragged back into the same cycle. What has helped to not get back into that cycle??