To My Mom
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Join Date: Aug 2022
Posts: 1
To My Mom
Soo this is my first time ever reaching out for help/advice or trying to express my feelings about my mother’s high-functioning alcoholism.
My background: I’m a 21 year old collegestudent & my moms only child. My mother was a teen mom & a single mother and growing up my father was somewhat around but also had a drinking problem. My parents have been drinking for as long as I can remember & my dad’s alcoholism has never really affected me as much as my mom’s has, given she was my sole caretaker. My family has a history of alcohol use & abuse which makes getting her help difficult & along with her being high-functioning, she was in denial for the longest. And right now i’m in a really weird, confusing place & currently not talking to my mom. I’m not in a place to forgive her right now & it’s really tough on me trying to navigate adulthood without my parent who was a constant in my life.
I think I take my mom’s addiction harder bc she’s a great mom & person when she’s sober but i have never liked who she becomes when she’s drunk. She’s ruined many good & important things in my life bc of her drinking along with our relationship. I constantly felt shame, embarrassment, disappointment resentment & abandonment growing up and still do. Although she handled her responsibilities, you could always count on her to drink at least 2 random weekdays & certainly on the weekends. The problem is when she drinks it’s never enough.. she drinks til she’s incoherent or passes out. And I’m tired of sweeping things under the rug & keeping all these traumatic things tucked away bc in the end I am the only one who carries the weight with me. My family knows her problem & no one would ever stick up for me, which made me feel even more alone. So i had to finally learn to stand up for myself but over the years I’ve tried to explain my hurt & worries to her but she immediately gets defensive & never allows me to get a word out. It made me feel invalidated or like my feelings didn’t matter. I think I’ve finally reached a point where I’m just too hurt & tired to keep dealing with her. Recently, she’s been getting in trouble with the law which has never happened before and since her recent arrest, she hasn’t drank and i’m glad for that but a part of me feels like it won’t last forever until she actually starts seeking treatment (which she hasn’t). As an only child, I take these things really hard. I’ve always been okay with being alone but recently, i’ve realized I am the only kid in my family without my dad in the picture & two alcoholic parents. It’s tough for me to see so many girls my age that have a good, healthy relationship with their mom & know that we can’t be like that and bc of our dynamic I sometimes felt like I was her parent. I recently realized things about myself that I didn’t know stemmed from alcoholic parents like my need to be perfect.. i have no room to make mistakes, I feel a need to have control over things in my life & be super responsible, I find it hard to open up to people and express my feelings, etc. which almost fuels my resentment more. I really do try to be a good person and a good kid & it hurts bc I know i deserve better bc all i tried to do was be someone my parents were proud of but I realize now it doesn’t matter bc they wouldn’t do the same for me.
I know I should forgive her, i know it could be worse but somehow i can’t bring myself to look at her or talk to her. So right now i’m not in the position to fix our relationship as bad as I want to. And idk what to do from this point on. I’ve tried getting over it, i’ve tried tough love but it all just hurts. It’s hard being alone & dealing with this alone & even though people say they understand, it just feels like no one can truly understand what I go through & deal with which is why i’ve come here.
My background: I’m a 21 year old collegestudent & my moms only child. My mother was a teen mom & a single mother and growing up my father was somewhat around but also had a drinking problem. My parents have been drinking for as long as I can remember & my dad’s alcoholism has never really affected me as much as my mom’s has, given she was my sole caretaker. My family has a history of alcohol use & abuse which makes getting her help difficult & along with her being high-functioning, she was in denial for the longest. And right now i’m in a really weird, confusing place & currently not talking to my mom. I’m not in a place to forgive her right now & it’s really tough on me trying to navigate adulthood without my parent who was a constant in my life.
I think I take my mom’s addiction harder bc she’s a great mom & person when she’s sober but i have never liked who she becomes when she’s drunk. She’s ruined many good & important things in my life bc of her drinking along with our relationship. I constantly felt shame, embarrassment, disappointment resentment & abandonment growing up and still do. Although she handled her responsibilities, you could always count on her to drink at least 2 random weekdays & certainly on the weekends. The problem is when she drinks it’s never enough.. she drinks til she’s incoherent or passes out. And I’m tired of sweeping things under the rug & keeping all these traumatic things tucked away bc in the end I am the only one who carries the weight with me. My family knows her problem & no one would ever stick up for me, which made me feel even more alone. So i had to finally learn to stand up for myself but over the years I’ve tried to explain my hurt & worries to her but she immediately gets defensive & never allows me to get a word out. It made me feel invalidated or like my feelings didn’t matter. I think I’ve finally reached a point where I’m just too hurt & tired to keep dealing with her. Recently, she’s been getting in trouble with the law which has never happened before and since her recent arrest, she hasn’t drank and i’m glad for that but a part of me feels like it won’t last forever until she actually starts seeking treatment (which she hasn’t). As an only child, I take these things really hard. I’ve always been okay with being alone but recently, i’ve realized I am the only kid in my family without my dad in the picture & two alcoholic parents. It’s tough for me to see so many girls my age that have a good, healthy relationship with their mom & know that we can’t be like that and bc of our dynamic I sometimes felt like I was her parent. I recently realized things about myself that I didn’t know stemmed from alcoholic parents like my need to be perfect.. i have no room to make mistakes, I feel a need to have control over things in my life & be super responsible, I find it hard to open up to people and express my feelings, etc. which almost fuels my resentment more. I really do try to be a good person and a good kid & it hurts bc I know i deserve better bc all i tried to do was be someone my parents were proud of but I realize now it doesn’t matter bc they wouldn’t do the same for me.
I know I should forgive her, i know it could be worse but somehow i can’t bring myself to look at her or talk to her. So right now i’m not in the position to fix our relationship as bad as I want to. And idk what to do from this point on. I’ve tried getting over it, i’ve tried tough love but it all just hurts. It’s hard being alone & dealing with this alone & even though people say they understand, it just feels like no one can truly understand what I go through & deal with which is why i’ve come here.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
You are in a safe place here with people who do understand!
I'm sorry that you find yourself at this point...a young adult finishing college and 'ready to launch' so to speak. And that's hard when your parental support just isn't there. You deserve a bright future without the shadow of addiction muddying the waters.
You have every right to feel all the emotions you mentioned in relation to growing up in an alcoholic home. It is a family disease, and it affects generations in many families unless and until someone finally decides to change those patterns. Bravo to you for reaching out here!
Please do take some time to read around the boards. It really helped me when I first arrived to understand all that goes into this dynamic of addiction for both the family and the addict/alcoholic. There are also in-person Adult Child of Alcoholics meetings all over the United States and the World. I can also personally recommend individual counseling. It has made a huge difference in my life.
I'm sorry that you find yourself at this point...a young adult finishing college and 'ready to launch' so to speak. And that's hard when your parental support just isn't there. You deserve a bright future without the shadow of addiction muddying the waters.
You have every right to feel all the emotions you mentioned in relation to growing up in an alcoholic home. It is a family disease, and it affects generations in many families unless and until someone finally decides to change those patterns. Bravo to you for reaching out here!
Please do take some time to read around the boards. It really helped me when I first arrived to understand all that goes into this dynamic of addiction for both the family and the addict/alcoholic. There are also in-person Adult Child of Alcoholics meetings all over the United States and the World. I can also personally recommend individual counseling. It has made a huge difference in my life.
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