louy2

I grew up with my mom as an alcoholic. My early memories are of my mom smashing her face on the ground because she was so drunk and I as her child picking her up and cleaning the blood. As I became older in my teens our relationship faded as all she cared about was alcohol, she gains numerous weight and became over weight, would constantly ring in sick at work but would always find time for a bottle of vodka or cider.
I remember having conversations with my dad about leaving her to make him happy but really I was embarrassed by her, all I wanted was a normal mom. A mom I could do things with and wanted to do things with me.
was I not enough for her?
my early adult hood we had a very turbulent relationship as I refused to buy her alcohol, I was vocal about the situation which she did not like as she would not admit it to herself.
eventually she ended up in hospital for 7months as her Organs and liver were failing.
She died twice and I was called for next of kin and we said our goodbyes.
she survived and 7months later came
out of hospital with no use in her legs and nerve damage. She has been house bound for last 10years, sober.
she can see and admit she was an alcoholic but too late as she died in November from heart failure.
i have so many unanswered questions and anger and different emotions about this.
she died because of her alcohol abuse?
why did she depend on alcohol when she had a happy home life?
why didn’t she want a mother daughter relationship like I wanted?
why didn’t she ever say sorry?
why do we still as a family think our life and our childhood was normal?
the care we had to give her is something a child should never have to do, I put my early 20s on hold to care for her and delayed starting my life.
am I too late now to have children because of this?
why isn’t she here to be here for me now and she me have children?
i am 37years old without a mom.
who do I talk to?
with all this said I then go through other emotions where I feel guilty for even saying this, saying I was embarrassed and hated her drinking and hated how it feels I am broken because of it and her, but then miss her because she was my mom and she had such good points aswell, she was caring and so witty and in her last few sober years did try to be there for me; it’s just now I feel broken and torn between how I feel and my emotions.
Sorry for the essay….

Alysheba

Ohh,Louy2, I am so sorry for your sufferring and the dysfunction you've had to suffer through your whole life. It's funny how the resentment can just come out of no where sometimes and anger. Try to remember the sick man prayer, it's on line. Sometimes I just have to say that. I have alcoholism in my family too and I've asked the same questions so many times, even though we know it's an illness, a disease. It doesn't make it less hurtful.
Love yourself and be kind to yourself. You have a lot of life left to live! Sending good vibes your way.

Seren

Oh, yes, I get the feeling of unanswered questions and apologies never received. My mom wasn't an alcoholic, but she was an untreated adult child of alcoholics. It's a tough personality to live with.

Alcoholics drink because they are in pain. Not pain, necessarily, from living in their current environment. It seems to me that many drink due to pain from their upbringing. Like the pain you feel now from your upbringing. It is a family disease that has run rampant through my mother's side of the family.

I don't think any of us can answer all your questions, but we can support you and help you find a way forward to a bright, peaceful, and joy-filled future! Please do stick around!