Kokoro

So much for not posting another thread again. However I wanted to give some hope to others going forward.

I got an email from my ex in my spam folder. I would have missed it if I had not checked it properly. It was him wanting to make amends.

I initially thought, how annoying, why are you messaging me now, 10 months after I kicked him out of my life. I then thought, okay maybe he is being ernest and is following AA. However the more I read, the more and more I felt this was a trap and he just wanted to see if I would bite the bait. Probably his affair partner dumped him and he is lonely. There was not one mention of the word sorry in that email. It was all about how much how much better he was doing and how reaching out may give us peace.

Jokes on him, I've been at peace for a long time. Sometimes I waver, and I know I have been damaged from this but by and large, I am fine.

So I ignored it. I am keeping that door tightly shut. Besides, everything which has ever come out of his mouth was a lie anyway.

Hawkeye13

Very wise response—recovery looks great on you Kokomo!

dandylion

Kokoro........Good for you that you are wise enough to keep that door closed.
The thing is, they learn us and know where our hot buttons are....they are familiar with our Achilles Heels.
Especially, if we happen to have any co-dependency tendencies.
This gives them a tremendous psychological leverage over us. And, they sure do use that leverage to get back into good gr aces when their current enablers are at low tide.

Well done.

trailmix

I haven't heard that phrase used before dandylion - "are at low tide" - it's great!

Kokoro - really well done, you are protecting yourself and your boundaries, that's so nice to hear!

hollyhobbie

Good! You should stand tall and proud. He’s was probably taught he’s special, and women were put here to serve him for free, and you’re grade A, I’m sure. Let some other woman learn her lesson, he will always use anyone who makes it easy in any way, and not respect her in the end. If he’s not making it worth your while, and giving at least as much as you gave him, he deserves nothing, isn’t even fit to look in your direction. You aren’t free maid, bank, medical, psychological, and sex services. You’re someone who matters, and he didn’t earn it. If he needs a handout he can go to social services and they can help him.

Eauchiche

Dear Korkoro
It's no mystery why they come circling back. We were pretty good enablers.

Sueby

After a few months, exAH was sitting on my doorstep today after work. He was sober, which was odd, but he came inside because he needed me to sign an insurance paper (it was legit). His vehicle is broke so he walked to my place, and his first complaint was that our son won’t fix it for him. Which is true, he won’t fix it because this way he can’t drive while he’s drunk!

He then proceeded to tell me he had been in the hospital, his heart needs surgery and he’s had seizures over the last week and he has no money and bill collectors calling. I didn’t bite, none of his issues were/are my fault, they are all due to his drinking. The things is, I am currently sporting a half cast from my knee to my toes wrapped in bandages because I ruptured my Achilles’ tendon, and he never asked what happened ONCE!!

Then he asked me to drive him home… which I did so he’d leave. I think I’m in a good place as I didn’t once feel like I wanted him back or that I should rush to help him fix things. I didn’t feel upset or off balance once I dropped him off, I just continued my evening like normal, so yay me lol!

Bute

"Jokes on him, I've been at peace for a long time"

This 👆

Isn't it great, when you realise, "you've got there" 😁 The hurt and anger has passed. They don't have any impact on you at all. Fabulous!
Much Love
Bute x

Kokoro

I am not sure I would say it did not have an impact at all in all fairness . It did rattle me slightly and some codie habits did rear their heads (should I indulge him in a meet up to help him get better for example).

I also have to admit part of me is curious as well. I'm only human afterall.

The main things stopping me from contacting him are:
1) Playing the tape forward; all it will end up being is me likely annoyed. His letter mentioned he has reflected and that he has hurt people but no actual apology. I expect it would be much of the same. Why should I try to coerce an apology?
2) Fear. Aside from showing some angry traits, he got into my head and manipulated me so much it's scary. I don't ever want to go through something lile that again.
3) No kids or any shared assets. Not even friends. There is no point.

jagrnaut

I think number 3 on your list should be your biggest motivation to keep that door shut. I stayed with my ex-wife for far too long after she cheated since we had a daughter. From what I can tell, he is an alcoholic, cheating, narcissist and you deserve far better in your life. Relationships should not be energy sapping. Are they work? They most definitely are, but it shouldn't be like that at all. I would ignore any attempts that he ever has to contact you, you are worth way more than someone like that in your world.

Leopol

Kokoro I’m so proud and happy for you! You are and have been such an inspiration to my journey of healing. “I’ll never know, and neither will you, of the life you don't choose. We'll only know that whatever that sister life was, it was important and beautiful and not ours. It was the ghost ship that didn't carry us. There's nothing to do but salute it from the shore.“

keep choosing your worth, your self respect and a life of healthiness and happiness.

Kokoro

Thank you. You are absolutely right about not contacting him.

I am not so sure these days if he is a narcissist in all fairness. Addicts and narcissists share alot of traits and maybe his brain is pickled. I don't really think about it these days, I've already spent enough time doing that.

I think the most annoying part about him contacting me was that it did set me back thinking back to the old times and getting annoyed again.

I am dealing with a very stressful situation at home with an ailing relative so I'm a little bit vulnerable but your comment made me cry with happiness. I am so glad I could be of help and thank you for the cheering up.

Dealing with the situation I am in right now just solidifies not replying to his email. It made no attempt at an apology, and reeked of self centredness around how he had to make amends. It was never going to be a serious heart felt apology, judt a tick box to say he has done a step. Now that I don't have him in my life I can actually focus on dealing with my current stressful situation without his drama hanging over my head!

mylifeismine

"There was not one mention of the word sorry in that email. It was all about how much how much better he was doing and how reaching out may give us peace. "

This, and ....
that you have a cast from knee to toes and he never asked you about it........

You have a proper sense/radar of what constitutes REAL concern, caring, etc.
I think of his behavior as phishing- no real change here, just seeing if you will take the
artificial bait - yay for you Kokomo!! Not having that imitation sh!t.

Leopol

Kokoro, sending all love and light to you. Whatever you are going through I know you are so so SO strong and give yourself grace while handling this stressful situation. Thank you for being you and sharing your experiences with us. <3 <3

choublak

That wasn’t the case with my ex alcoholic boyfriend. Apparently I drove him away with my personality, so much so that I basically became dead to him.

dbyrer

Choublak, you are so lucky. With your alcoholic-repelling personality!

VickersLemmy

I'm so glad you're keeping that door to your ex closed. Weld it shut, don't let him bring you down. You've come a long way <3

No apology whatsover means he hasn't realized his wrongs - he wants to sweep everything under the rug. No changes on his part, just see if you're willing to give. People like that know we have so much to give and so much to offer. They know all the levers in us to get us to give them multiple changes. Good for you, to keep yourself safe from that BS!

You're an inspiration - I appreciate all the advice and guidance you've given me. We'll keep blazing forwards

- Victoria