Needing prayers
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 648
Needing prayers
Hi guys... I have so much shame and feeling not good enough in my heart right now ...
I had been casually dating someone the last few months.... very casual, because I am moving to Maui in 2 weeks.
Tuesday night was my going away party and I had so many people show up for me. The person I was dating came as well. Well, when the night was over he took me home and we went upstairs and we were intimate. He then said he had to go home early cause he had work at 4:30am ( which I understood ) ... 20 minutes later I found out that he had gotten one of my friends phone numbers and instead of going home went to a bar with her... so literally from my going away party to my bed to hang out with my friend!!!!.....
I have felt so grossed out. I have told both of them not to contact me and deleted their numbers. I feel resolved in my boundaries and happy I stood up for myself BUT I feel so icky inside. I went on a long walk today and I watched a few episodes of super soul Sunday and I am reading this amazing book by Elizabeth Vargas called "Between Breaths" .... but I just have such a violated feeling in me.... I mean I even covered the tab for everyone that night. So I paid $700 for this trash bag of a dude and this trashy ( excuse the language but I am pissed ) "friend of mine" to drink on my dime to flirt and exchange numbers ....just so he could take me to bed and then go see her....
I just hope this worthless feeling passes
I had been casually dating someone the last few months.... very casual, because I am moving to Maui in 2 weeks.
Tuesday night was my going away party and I had so many people show up for me. The person I was dating came as well. Well, when the night was over he took me home and we went upstairs and we were intimate. He then said he had to go home early cause he had work at 4:30am ( which I understood ) ... 20 minutes later I found out that he had gotten one of my friends phone numbers and instead of going home went to a bar with her... so literally from my going away party to my bed to hang out with my friend!!!!.....
I have felt so grossed out. I have told both of them not to contact me and deleted their numbers. I feel resolved in my boundaries and happy I stood up for myself BUT I feel so icky inside. I went on a long walk today and I watched a few episodes of super soul Sunday and I am reading this amazing book by Elizabeth Vargas called "Between Breaths" .... but I just have such a violated feeling in me.... I mean I even covered the tab for everyone that night. So I paid $700 for this trash bag of a dude and this trashy ( excuse the language but I am pissed ) "friend of mine" to drink on my dime to flirt and exchange numbers ....just so he could take me to bed and then go see her....
I just hope this worthless feeling passes
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,653
Well they are jerks - and they get to live with themselves.
You on the other hand get to walk away and live a good life and off you will go to Maui! You didn't do anything wrong.
What might be a little out of whack here is your person-dar. You have been dating for a few months, were there no red flags, even in hindsight? What about the - not actually a friend - no red flags there?
This isn't a blame thing by the way, just concern about you being hurt.
You on the other hand get to walk away and live a good life and off you will go to Maui! You didn't do anything wrong.
What might be a little out of whack here is your person-dar. You have been dating for a few months, were there no red flags, even in hindsight? What about the - not actually a friend - no red flags there?
This isn't a blame thing by the way, just concern about you being hurt.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 648
Originally Posted by trailmix 
Well they are jerks - and they get to live with themselves.
You on the other hand get to walk away and live a good life and off you will go to Maui! You didn't do anything wrong.
What might be a little out of whack here is your person-dar. You have been dating for a few months, were there no red flags, even in hindsight? What about the - not actually a friend - no red flags there?
This isn't a blame thing by the way, just concern about you being hurt.
You on the other hand get to walk away and live a good life and off you will go to Maui! You didn't do anything wrong.
What might be a little out of whack here is your person-dar. You have been dating for a few months, were there no red flags, even in hindsight? What about the - not actually a friend - no red flags there?
This isn't a blame thing by the way, just concern about you being hurt.
she on the other hand was not a great friend and has always been kinda that kinda girl. I never thought it mattered cause we were only together at group functions...
i just feel gross inside...violated... she also is married with 3 young kids so ....good luck to them....
Member
Join Date: Jun 2022
Location: Amsterdam, NL
Posts: 53
Lovelykayaa, I’m so sorry to read this and that you are going through this. Such a slap in the face. In all reality reading this made me SO angry. Who in the world in their right mind thinks it’s oke to treat people like that?!!!!!!!! AHH i want to scream. I wish I could give you a big hug!! Some People are so horrible, from my personal experience I really did a good inventory of the people in the surroundings after I broke up with my ex. I cut out many people from my circle, Friends that were gossiping or I couldn’t trust with my whole heart . I experienced some very disrespectful behavior and it was extremely hurtful, even still now. I stood up for myself saying I will not tolerate this and after blocked them. It’s so hard but I’m also trying to hold on that cutting people out will make room for something better. I understand you feel violated and rightfully so. I just hope you remember your self worth is in no way attached to how others treat you and see you. That is on them. Try to remember that. my heart goes out to you. Keep on walking, you can do this. The change to Maui sounds wonderful though, I hope that’s something that you’ll look forward to. Big hug and sending love from Europe.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
Dear Kaya
I am excited for you about your new life on Maui.
I am glad you "X'd" the man and his bar friend out of your life.
At our core, we all want to be loved. That is a beautiful thing. In our modern culture, however, that need is often under many layers of easy hookups. Easy hookups never satisfy the basic need to be loved, rather they are Faustian deals that never deliver what they promise.
If you are looking for a long- term stable relationship, you will not find it from people who hang out in bars.
Excuse me talking to you so bluntly. I am probably older than you, and most people here.
I am excited for you about your new life on Maui.
I am glad you "X'd" the man and his bar friend out of your life.
At our core, we all want to be loved. That is a beautiful thing. In our modern culture, however, that need is often under many layers of easy hookups. Easy hookups never satisfy the basic need to be loved, rather they are Faustian deals that never deliver what they promise.
If you are looking for a long- term stable relationship, you will not find it from people who hang out in bars.
Excuse me talking to you so bluntly. I am probably older than you, and most people here.
sage
Join Date: Jul 2021
Posts: 704
Only two weeks? How exciting!
I'm sorry you ran into this awful behavior. Some people are not good friend material and I'm glad you blocked them right away. There's really no excuse or explanation for such awful behavior.
I'm not certain you should even try to think back on the situation to look for the red flags. It really had nothing to do with you. There shouldn't be shame -- you acted trusting the information you had at the time; a few months into dating is when you start to see behaviors that help you decide if a person is or is not right for you, and now you know and can move on. Hopefully you can spend these next few days focused on you and getting ready for your exciting new life in Hawaii.
I'm sorry you ran into this awful behavior. Some people are not good friend material and I'm glad you blocked them right away. There's really no excuse or explanation for such awful behavior.
I'm not certain you should even try to think back on the situation to look for the red flags. It really had nothing to do with you. There shouldn't be shame -- you acted trusting the information you had at the time; a few months into dating is when you start to see behaviors that help you decide if a person is or is not right for you, and now you know and can move on. Hopefully you can spend these next few days focused on you and getting ready for your exciting new life in Hawaii.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Kaya......I suppose I am the only one who has a bit of a different reaction.
That is because you have said vvery clearly that you were only casually dating hiim. CASUALLY.
In addition you were leaving in two weeks----so no committments in the relationship----?? right?
That sounds, to me, like the category of "friends with benefits" category.
That makes him in the category of a single, young man who is only dating causally with no commitment to anyone. Therefore, it seems logical that he is free to see anyone else that he chooses to---whenever he chooses to.
In addition, you have indicateed that she is not a good friend of yours. It is not like she is your best friend. Admittedly, she may need to take her own invetory if she is actively married with 3 kids)----but her marital status is really none of your business, is it?
I am wondering if you and Casual \Dude ever discussed, in detail, the exact limits and boundaries of the casual dating?
That is because you have said vvery clearly that you were only casually dating hiim. CASUALLY.
In addition you were leaving in two weeks----so no committments in the relationship----?? right?
That sounds, to me, like the category of "friends with benefits" category.
That makes him in the category of a single, young man who is only dating causally with no commitment to anyone. Therefore, it seems logical that he is free to see anyone else that he chooses to---whenever he chooses to.
In addition, you have indicateed that she is not a good friend of yours. It is not like she is your best friend. Admittedly, she may need to take her own invetory if she is actively married with 3 kids)----but her marital status is really none of your business, is it?
I am wondering if you and Casual \Dude ever discussed, in detail, the exact limits and boundaries of the casual dating?
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 648
Originally Posted by dandylion
Kaya......I suppose I am the only one who has a bit of a different reaction.
That is because you have said vvery clearly that you were only casually dating hiim. CASUALLY.
In addition you were leaving in two weeks----so no committments in the relationship----?? right?
That sounds, to me, like the category of "friends with benefits" category.
That makes him in the category of a single, young man who is only dating causally with no commitment to anyone. Therefore, it seems logical that he is free to see anyone else that he chooses to---whenever he chooses to.
In addition, you have indicateed that she is not a good friend of yours. It is not like she is your best friend. Admittedly, she may need to take her own invetory if she is actively married with 3 kids)----but her marital status is really none of your business, is it?
I am wondering if you and Casual \Dude ever discussed, in detail, the exact limits and boundaries of the casual dating?
That is because you have said vvery clearly that you were only casually dating hiim. CASUALLY.
In addition you were leaving in two weeks----so no committments in the relationship----?? right?
That sounds, to me, like the category of "friends with benefits" category.
That makes him in the category of a single, young man who is only dating causally with no commitment to anyone. Therefore, it seems logical that he is free to see anyone else that he chooses to---whenever he chooses to.
In addition, you have indicateed that she is not a good friend of yours. It is not like she is your best friend. Admittedly, she may need to take her own invetory if she is actively married with 3 kids)----but her marital status is really none of your business, is it?
I am wondering if you and Casual \Dude ever discussed, in detail, the exact limits and boundaries of the casual dating?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 573
When we put ourselves into a position to be hurt, it sometimes happens. I'm not excusing his behavior, but for you to feel so incensed by his behavior confuses me. You are moving, correct? So I'm going to assume you had no plans for a long term commitment. You also made a conscious choice to be intimate with him, correct? It seems to me that a safer course of action would have been to simply go home alone, which would have avoided literally all of this. So it's hard for me to be overly sympathetic. I've had similar experiences myself and as angry as I was I realize in hindsight that the majority of the fault was mine. But we live and learn. And sometimes it really sucks. I wish you well in your move. Far better days are ahead for you. Just keep breathing.
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 648
Originally Posted by BlownOne
When we put ourselves into a position to be hurt, it sometimes happens. I'm not excusing his behavior, but for you to feel so incensed by his behavior confuses me. You are moving, correct? So I'm going to assume you had no plans for a long term commitment. You also made a conscious choice to be intimate with him, correct? It seems to me that a safer course of action would have been to simply go home alone, which would have avoided literally all of this. So it's hard for me to be overly sympathetic. I've had similar experiences myself and as angry as I was I realize in hindsight that the majority of the fault was mine. But we live and learn. And sometimes it really sucks. I wish you well in your move. Far better days are ahead for you. Just keep breathing.
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Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 648
There is absolutely not one person in my life that saw this go down that did not think it was disgusting ... Because it was. I came here because it truly hurt me. I literally just asked for prayers because it hurt me. I don't need to be told how I put myself in a bad situation because I trusted someone who I have been dating... He was invited to the party where everyone knew we were dating. There were 40 plus people there who knew we were dating. I mean am I going crazy to think that this behavior is gross?
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Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 648
Originally Posted by Leopol
Lovelykayaa, I’m so sorry to read this and that you are going through this. Such a slap in the face. In all reality reading this made me SO angry. Who in the world in their right mind thinks it’s oke to treat people like that?!!!!!!!! AHH i want to scream. I wish I could give you a big hug!! Some People are so horrible, from my personal experience I really did a good inventory of the people in the surroundings after I broke up with my ex. I cut out many people from my circle, Friends that were gossiping or I couldn’t trust with my whole heart . I experienced some very disrespectful behavior and it was extremely hurtful, even still now. I stood up for myself saying I will not tolerate this and after blocked them. It’s so hard but I’m also trying to hold on that cutting people out will make room for something better. I understand you feel violated and rightfully so. I just hope you remember your self worth is in no way attached to how others treat you and see you. That is on them. Try to remember that. my heart goes out to you. Keep on walking, you can do this. The change to Maui sounds wonderful though, I hope that’s something that you’ll look forward to. Big hug and sending love from Europe.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 648
Originally Posted by Eauchiche
Dear Kaya
I am excited for you about your new life on Maui.
I am glad you "X'd" the man and his bar friend out of your life.
At our core, we all want to be loved. That is a beautiful thing. In our modern culture, however, that need is often under many layers of easy hookups. Easy hookups never satisfy the basic need to be loved, rather they are Faustian deals that never deliver what they promise.
If you are looking for a long- term stable relationship, you will not find it from people who hang out in bars.
Excuse me talking to you so bluntly. I am probably older than you, and most people here.
I am excited for you about your new life on Maui.
I am glad you "X'd" the man and his bar friend out of your life.
At our core, we all want to be loved. That is a beautiful thing. In our modern culture, however, that need is often under many layers of easy hookups. Easy hookups never satisfy the basic need to be loved, rather they are Faustian deals that never deliver what they promise.
If you are looking for a long- term stable relationship, you will not find it from people who hang out in bars.
Excuse me talking to you so bluntly. I am probably older than you, and most people here.
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 648
Originally Posted by sage1969
Only two weeks? How exciting!
I'm sorry you ran into this awful behavior. Some people are not good friend material and I'm glad you blocked them right away. There's really no excuse or explanation for such awful behavior.
I'm not certain you should even try to think back on the situation to look for the red flags. It really had nothing to do with you. There shouldn't be shame -- you acted trusting the information you had at the time; a few months into dating is when you start to see behaviors that help you decide if a person is or is not right for you, and now you know and can move on. Hopefully you can spend these next few days focused on you and getting ready for your exciting new life in Hawaii.
I'm sorry you ran into this awful behavior. Some people are not good friend material and I'm glad you blocked them right away. There's really no excuse or explanation for such awful behavior.
I'm not certain you should even try to think back on the situation to look for the red flags. It really had nothing to do with you. There shouldn't be shame -- you acted trusting the information you had at the time; a few months into dating is when you start to see behaviors that help you decide if a person is or is not right for you, and now you know and can move on. Hopefully you can spend these next few days focused on you and getting ready for your exciting new life in Hawaii.
In a weird way... I like the work of purging all my stuff
Member
Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 72
Kaya, I am so sorry about what happened. It is a huge betrayal and incredibly hurtful. I can’t make sense of some of the replies myself but you are not going crazy at all. It’s hard when you are vulnerable and put yourself out there and are victimized once again. The whole thing is so wrong. You have my compassion and my prayers.
Member
Join Date: May 2022
Posts: 19
Hey, sorry for your disappontment to your casual date. Even you mentioned you casually dates, apparently this guy is not if you reacted this bad. I read your stories and I understand. After my relationship with 6 years, I deliberately avoid any dating including "casual," to avoid any kinds of emtional and physical affairs with anyone. Someone told you that you really need stiff learning curve. Maybe slow down, work on yourself first. That way you wont be hurt evenby casual man.
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Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 648
Originally Posted by GiftsOfSobriety
Kaya, I am so sorry about what happened. It is a huge betrayal and incredibly hurtful. I can’t make sense of some of the replies myself but you are not going crazy at all. It’s hard when you are vulnerable and put yourself out there and are victimized once again. The whole thing is so wrong. You have my compassion and my prayers.
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 648
Originally Posted by kijk
Hey, sorry for your disappontment to your casual date. Even you mentioned you casually dates, apparently this guy is not if you reacted this bad. I read your stories and I understand. After my relationship with 6 years, I deliberately avoid any dating including "casual," to avoid any kinds of emtional and physical affairs with anyone. Someone told you that you really need stiff learning curve. Maybe slow down, work on yourself first. That way you wont be hurt evenby casual man.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,548
While I understand where you're coming from, I have to point out: YOU are leaving HIM.
He's young, by your own definition in a "very casual" relationship. If a man had suggested that to me, I would have assumed it was not exclusive. While leaving you to pursue an associate that very evening was tacky, frankly so was the action of calling you to report on his actions. Yes it was honest - and no, honesty is not always the best policy. Telling someone something a) upsetting and b) he/she can't do anything about it, is indicative of a mean streak. You're entitled to your feelings, though, whatever those are.
An older, wiser Velma would suggest, though, that you take a fearless inventory of your feelings and boundaries, and here's why. Older, wiser Velma came of age in the early Seventies. Free love and all that. It was common for our professors at college to be shtupng some student or other. (eyeroll) Some of my peers were fine with that, and I thought I should be, too. Or sometimes I thought, "If we sleep together, he'll like me." It doesn't work that way. It seemed that some of my cohorts had intimate encounters and moved on, without any ill effects. That didn't work for me.
Once I was honest with myself, I stopped trying to behave like my cohorts. My lady-bits are attached to my heart somehow, and being intimate causes me to become more attached emotionally. Those guys I thought would like me never called back. It was hard for me. I can't have a 'casual' sexual relationship. I no longer try.
He's young, by your own definition in a "very casual" relationship. If a man had suggested that to me, I would have assumed it was not exclusive. While leaving you to pursue an associate that very evening was tacky, frankly so was the action of calling you to report on his actions. Yes it was honest - and no, honesty is not always the best policy. Telling someone something a) upsetting and b) he/she can't do anything about it, is indicative of a mean streak. You're entitled to your feelings, though, whatever those are.
An older, wiser Velma would suggest, though, that you take a fearless inventory of your feelings and boundaries, and here's why. Older, wiser Velma came of age in the early Seventies. Free love and all that. It was common for our professors at college to be shtupng some student or other. (eyeroll) Some of my peers were fine with that, and I thought I should be, too. Or sometimes I thought, "If we sleep together, he'll like me." It doesn't work that way. It seemed that some of my cohorts had intimate encounters and moved on, without any ill effects. That didn't work for me.
Once I was honest with myself, I stopped trying to behave like my cohorts. My lady-bits are attached to my heart somehow, and being intimate causes me to become more attached emotionally. Those guys I thought would like me never called back. It was hard for me. I can't have a 'casual' sexual relationship. I no longer try.
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