lessgravity

This morning I came on SR to see if I had gotten a PM from someone who is in the early stages of getting sober and, after I saw some old messages in my inbox, decided to take a look back at my posting history. For me, looking back and remembering the struggle, the ennui, pain, horror, discomfort, and seemingly endless cycle of my drinking days is complicated. In a way I feel proud and relieved that I have achieved sobriety. I am reminded of just how close I was, towards the end, of losing everything. And yet I am also reminded of the lost years of my life, the ugly stasis that I created for myself and endured for so long. I'm in my 5th year of sobriety and one of the main areas of work for me is trying to accept the mistakes and small failures of my life. There are habits that I formed through drinking, or that I exacerbated through drinking, that all come down to avoidance - avoidance being the trigger to drink, the result of the drink - this avoidance that is born from a flawed sense of self-worth. Even though I have conquered and vanquished the beast who used booze to feed this flawed sense of self-worth, that beast still operates and looks for means other than alcohol.

Bit of a ramble here. But I wanted to post mainly to say to anyone who is struggling again with yet another round of deciding to pick up - you can get free. Keep doing to work. Rather than see yourself as someone who keeps failing to stay sober, see that, in fact, you are someone who keeps seeking sobriety - that desire, that muscle, will continue to grow the more you push toward it.

The main takeaway from reading my drinking days threads is that sobriety above all, for me, provides a kind of baseline safety that I did not have as a drunk. Sobriety lays a kind of solid ground underneath me, to do the work that I still need to do on my self, for myself and my family. There is a great, wide and luminous peace that sobriety provides. And I am forever grateful to SR for helping me get here.

ClearPath64

Thanks for this LG. I've spent so many years settling for the false sense of safety and peace that lies within the bottle, that I'd almost given up hope that the true versions lie on the other side. Almost.

These posts help more than you know. Your story has helped me keep up the fight and I thank you.

fishkiller

I too still suffer from avoidance, self perception, people pleasing and other "flaws".
But like you I am so much better equipped to handle these things and improve on myself since becoming sober.

Lately the wasted years have come back to haunt me.
Life is so good now I wish I had never become an addict. Thats a DUH moment for sure but true. There was a time I thought it was OK to be addicted to substances. It was how I coped. It was my life.

I hope to have as many sober years left as I had wasted years in the past. I am trying to get all that out of my head but it is hard.

Hard but not impossible and I rely on the Fact I am strong, determined and sober so it will be OK.

We won't drink and even though we are not perfect and never will be our lives are a billion times better than before.
That's what keeps me going. Knowing I am giving it my best

Leshar

Thank you LG, for this reassuring and helpful post.

Tailai

This is a good insight LG. We are on a similar sober timeline. Beginning in 2016, I had 7 months sober, tried to moderate, then 8 months sober, tried to moderate, and in 2018 I finally realized drinking could never be a part of my life. More importantly, I finally believed that a sober life is a better life and that I could do it. I could never, ever have done it without SR, without this connection. I read here, and post occasionally, for those who are struggling in that first year and that if you keep pushing, as you say, and learning, you can come out the other side and be the person you were destined to be.

Free2bme888

Great post, LG

Steely

Yes, a great post LG.

KTB5000

Thanks for sharing your experience LG

Hodd

Hi Fish, you and me both. My marriage has ended as a result of those lost years, but even my wife says I’m a great guy now. You’re definitely way better off too. Spare a thought for those who never get sober. We really are the lucky ones.

fishkiller

I'm sorry to hear that hodd.
Life is hard sometimes but we are better off sober no matter what.

I surely have empathy for those still in the vicious cycle of addiction.
We truly are the lucky ones.

Buckley3

Hello my friend.

Great insight as always. You sound good, solid, stalwart. Makes me feel good to know there's others prospering through this thing - I know how damn pleased I am at the quality of life and contentment I've found (never perfect, but better than good enough) and it over-joy's me to know others get to experience that too.

slimjim30

I first signed up in 2006 as an alcoholic but lost that account. I then signed up in 2009 when I started getting REALLY serious about sobriety. Looking at my posts from back then is a good reminder of the horror I was going through (honestly, my long absences are even more telling ). I got sober from alcohol 7 years ago but gained a Heroin habit. I am actively fighting that habit now. I take it day by day.

You can't change the past, only the future. You gained knowledge from what you did and by getting clean you have proved you are stronger than most people. Be proud of that fact but never complacent.

You are you, you are special, and you are ok just as you are. Self love is such an important thing to find. I truly believe I've found it. I love who I am. I hate what I have done and sometimes still do - but I am being the best me I can.

Sorry for rambling - I hope you can find a nugget of wisdom in there somewhere.