A budding alcoholic?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2022
Location: Saint Paul MN
Posts: 1
A budding alcoholic?
4am last Saturday night I was awakened to my partner swearing and turning the light on. He was inspecting the sheets, mattress and his shorts, all sopping wet from pee! Then, he huddled at the bottom of the bed, moving my feet out of his way. In the morning, he was saying “How could this happen?” “This never happened to me before!” I suggested it might have been the volume of beer (maybe 10 bottles?)and imbibing in quite a bit of weed. I was very upset and said that was never going to happen again. He apologized, said he didn’t mean it, didn’t understand what happened. I replied I knew he didn’t mean to do it, but that this was unacceptable to pee in my bed! He left and has spent the last few days at his apartment, fine with me. We still love each other and express that. However, I asked for time for myself to think.
That night at the neighbor’s was an enjoyable social gathering for me. It got late for me, though and I walked home around 11:30pm. My partner stayed later and gave one of the guests a ride home. I was upset when he told me that. I told him he had had too much to drink and drive. He said “I wasn’t drunk!” The weekend before, we were at another gathering at which he drank quite a bit and again the weed. I offered to drive us home several times, but he insisted he was ok. I told him that in the future, if he has been drinking, I will drive, or take a taxi home.
Previous to these events, I have observed him suffering (stomach pain) after getting lit up on an excessive amount of whisky on several occasions. I also found bottles stashed. This is all in the last 6 months of a year long relationship.
This week, I have told him he’s starting to look like an alcoholic. He insists he’s not. I’ve told him I’m very worried about drinking and driving. He says “im NOT drinking and driving!” So, I correct myself- “dui.”
I divorced previous husband in 2003, because his drinking went from 1 a day to staggering and threatening to kill me. He tried to choke me. All in 6 months. He (the previous) had hidden that he was an alcoholic for years before I met him. He appeared to be a teetotaler when I met him 3 years previous.
I drink very little and have expressed to my boyfriend I don’t enjoy drunkenness. my previous experience with alcoholics has been bad. I told him the day after he peed in my bed that I didn’t enjoy him in his drunkenness. He also had a lot of trouble with sex that night, trying and trying and me being so patient, long suffering and kind….
Is he an alcoholic? He insists he is a normal drinker/toker. If so or if not, what can I do? Im not willing to live with someone drinking to excess on a regular basis. We otherwise have pretty good loving relationship.
That night at the neighbor’s was an enjoyable social gathering for me. It got late for me, though and I walked home around 11:30pm. My partner stayed later and gave one of the guests a ride home. I was upset when he told me that. I told him he had had too much to drink and drive. He said “I wasn’t drunk!” The weekend before, we were at another gathering at which he drank quite a bit and again the weed. I offered to drive us home several times, but he insisted he was ok. I told him that in the future, if he has been drinking, I will drive, or take a taxi home.
Previous to these events, I have observed him suffering (stomach pain) after getting lit up on an excessive amount of whisky on several occasions. I also found bottles stashed. This is all in the last 6 months of a year long relationship.
This week, I have told him he’s starting to look like an alcoholic. He insists he’s not. I’ve told him I’m very worried about drinking and driving. He says “im NOT drinking and driving!” So, I correct myself- “dui.”
I divorced previous husband in 2003, because his drinking went from 1 a day to staggering and threatening to kill me. He tried to choke me. All in 6 months. He (the previous) had hidden that he was an alcoholic for years before I met him. He appeared to be a teetotaler when I met him 3 years previous.
I drink very little and have expressed to my boyfriend I don’t enjoy drunkenness. my previous experience with alcoholics has been bad. I told him the day after he peed in my bed that I didn’t enjoy him in his drunkenness. He also had a lot of trouble with sex that night, trying and trying and me being so patient, long suffering and kind….
Is he an alcoholic? He insists he is a normal drinker/toker. If so or if not, what can I do? Im not willing to live with someone drinking to excess on a regular basis. We otherwise have pretty good loving relationship.
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Blue Ridge Mountains
Posts: 816
"Is he an alcoholic?"
Yes. He is not a normal drinker at all. Have you been to any alanon meetings?
There is so much to learn about recognizing alcoholism and more about
understanding how the alcoholics behavior will play out- it's like they are
following the same playbook. He absolutely has a drinking problem but
it could be years before he "sees" it, if ever.
Alanon meetings would be so helpful to you, it may take a few meetings to find
one that feels right- it did for me. You will learn so much and begin to feel
confident that you will see the red flags before you spend much time in a
relationship. I'm sure you don't want to continue this pattern......
There is a lot of good info in the stickies too, they are before the current
posts.
Alcoholics will never ever, never, NEVER admit they are alcoholics until have been in recovery
for a while.
Yes. He is not a normal drinker at all. Have you been to any alanon meetings?
There is so much to learn about recognizing alcoholism and more about
understanding how the alcoholics behavior will play out- it's like they are
following the same playbook. He absolutely has a drinking problem but
it could be years before he "sees" it, if ever.
Alanon meetings would be so helpful to you, it may take a few meetings to find
one that feels right- it did for me. You will learn so much and begin to feel
confident that you will see the red flags before you spend much time in a
relationship. I'm sure you don't want to continue this pattern......
There is a lot of good info in the stickies too, they are before the current
posts.
Alcoholics will never ever, never, NEVER admit they are alcoholics until have been in recovery
for a while.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,436
He doesn’t seem to think he has a problem with his drinking, but you do.
That’s fair enough—I agree with you that he does have a serious problem, but if he as an adult doesn’t choose to stop, that unfortunately is his right.
Whether he accepts the label of alcoholic or not is irrelevant—alcohol clearly causes problems and risks in his life, and harms his relationship with you. That’s the important info, not the naming of it.
I think you should make the best choice for your peace of mind, and realize the only person you have any control over in this situation is yourself. I think you know what you need to do, but maybe it is hard to accept?
It is a very painful truth that we cannot love them sober—I’ve been on both sides of the drinker / family of drinker equation, and as a drinker, I didn’t really try to quit until I began to accept I had a problem and not because anyone around me—even if I loved them dearly—wanted me too.
It had to come from me.
That’s fair enough—I agree with you that he does have a serious problem, but if he as an adult doesn’t choose to stop, that unfortunately is his right.
Whether he accepts the label of alcoholic or not is irrelevant—alcohol clearly causes problems and risks in his life, and harms his relationship with you. That’s the important info, not the naming of it.
I think you should make the best choice for your peace of mind, and realize the only person you have any control over in this situation is yourself. I think you know what you need to do, but maybe it is hard to accept?
It is a very painful truth that we cannot love them sober—I’ve been on both sides of the drinker / family of drinker equation, and as a drinker, I didn’t really try to quit until I began to accept I had a problem and not because anyone around me—even if I loved them dearly—wanted me too.
It had to come from me.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 565
As you have already experienced with your ex-husband and now your current partner, alcoholism is progressive. If this is the best it's ever going to be with this guy, is that ok with you? If not, I would cut your losses and move on. You only have one year invested. And maybe it's time to figure out why you are attracted to this type of person in the first place - time to put some focus back on you! We can't change someone else.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,653
Originally Posted by malikaduggan 
This week, I have told him he’s starting to look like an alcoholic. He insists he’s not. I’ve told him I’m very worried about drinking and driving. He says “im NOT drinking and driving!” So, I correct myself- “dui.”
Is he an alcoholic? He insists he is a normal drinker/toker. If so or if not, what can I do? Im not willing to live with someone drinking to excess on a regular basis. We otherwise have pretty good loving relationship.
As Hawkeye said, your partner doesn't have a problem with his drinking, you do. So you are the one that will have to take action here (for you, not for him).
Im not willing to live with someone drinking to excess on a regular basis.
I know it's awful and I know it will hurt you, but, from what you have said you don't want to go down that path again and live with the drama and hurt.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
In my experience, the only people I knew who, " stashed bottles", were alcoholics. Unfortunately I have far too many of these experiences.
There were times, when as a parent, I had teenagers still at home, that when I was going to be away for extended periods of time, I locked up the booze. It wasn't because I was "hiding it", I was being a responsible adult, restricting adolescents from access to alcohol. Adults don't hide bottles from their alcohol, or restrict other adults from knowing how much they drink... unless they have something to hide.
Listen to your instincts. Please protect yourself from anyone that makes you question them... OR yourself. There is a reason for that.
I'm sorry you are having this experience. I know how awful it feels.
There were times, when as a parent, I had teenagers still at home, that when I was going to be away for extended periods of time, I locked up the booze. It wasn't because I was "hiding it", I was being a responsible adult, restricting adolescents from access to alcohol. Adults don't hide bottles from their alcohol, or restrict other adults from knowing how much they drink... unless they have something to hide.
Listen to your instincts. Please protect yourself from anyone that makes you question them... OR yourself. There is a reason for that.
I'm sorry you are having this experience. I know how awful it feels.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,254
Hello.
Stashed bottles, alcoholic-yep. And if drinking whisky which hit's some harder and faster It is possible he got so drunk he was basically sedated.
As noted alcoholics will not admit they are an alcoholic. And they will lie with ease and regularity to hide their habit, minimize and eventually manipulate you and others for favors.
Until the alcoholic actually wants to stop on their own for themselves they won't. Don't wait for a bottom because that could take years or even decades with some.
Worry about yourself you shouldn't have to play baby sitter for an adult.
Good Luck
Stashed bottles, alcoholic-yep. And if drinking whisky which hit's some harder and faster It is possible he got so drunk he was basically sedated.
As noted alcoholics will not admit they are an alcoholic. And they will lie with ease and regularity to hide their habit, minimize and eventually manipulate you and others for favors.
Until the alcoholic actually wants to stop on their own for themselves they won't. Don't wait for a bottom because that could take years or even decades with some.
Worry about yourself you shouldn't have to play baby sitter for an adult.
Good Luck
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: uk
Posts: 2,428
Welcome, Malikaduggan, glad you found us.
I think the real question about the situation is do you want to remain in it? Is this something you want for your life? You mention you already had one alcoholic in your life, do you want another one?
Please do what is best for you to create the life you want.
I think the real question about the situation is do you want to remain in it? Is this something you want for your life? You mention you already had one alcoholic in your life, do you want another one?
Please do what is best for you to create the life you want.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2022
Location: Amsterdam, NL
Posts: 53
Hi Malikaduggan,
I felt I needed to respond to this because a turning point for me was waking up in the middle of the night on vacation in a bed of urine due to I would say around 30 cocktails that my ex had been drinking. It is absolutely disgusting so I understand your reaction. In my honest experience, my ex would pretend he was shocked and horrified but turns out its mainly just an act because few days laters he's drinking uncontrollably again. I would definitely watch his actions and not listen to his words. Its hard when you love someone because you want to believe them so bad (trust me I was there) but trust your gut, when you know somethings off, something is off.
I felt I needed to respond to this because a turning point for me was waking up in the middle of the night on vacation in a bed of urine due to I would say around 30 cocktails that my ex had been drinking. It is absolutely disgusting so I understand your reaction. In my honest experience, my ex would pretend he was shocked and horrified but turns out its mainly just an act because few days laters he's drinking uncontrollably again. I would definitely watch his actions and not listen to his words. Its hard when you love someone because you want to believe them so bad (trust me I was there) but trust your gut, when you know somethings off, something is off.
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