I don't understand
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2022
Posts: 4
I don't understand
My boyfriend and I have known each other for 30 years, hung out in high school but over time lost touch, stayed in touch and in February I guess fate tried again and we talked, texted found that we have a connection and confessed our feelings for each other. In this time his life went downhill, he suffered trauma, lost his father, marriage failed only sees his kids supervised once a week his ex doesn't trust him. I know what his triggers are he's been very open and honest about his relapses but tries to handle it on his own. I've asked him about meetings , sponsors he doesn't do either one. His mother is a recovering alcoholic. I've been through all of his mood swings he says he would never hurt me doesn't want to end what we've started and I agree. Fast forward to two weeks ago he said he's being admitted to the ER to detox. I texted him Father's Day, no response I texted him today no response but I saw he's on Facebook??? Why, ? Should I confront him or just let it go knowing that I love him
Member
Join Date: Jun 2022
Location: Amsterdam, NL
Posts: 53
Hey Sommer14, I'm sorry for what you are going through. You deserve to be treated with respect and love. I would say the "healthy" thing here is to remind yourself of your own self worth and don't put up with someone ignoring you. It is never oke to do that especially not for what a week now? you are deserving of honest and clear communication. I can imagine it hurts and in your mind you are making up excuses for why he is doing this and I've been in the same situation but honestly there is no excuse. Did he specify he is in detox and will not be responding to focus on himself?
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Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: uk
Posts: 2,428
Welcome, Sommer, sorry for what brings you here but glad you found us.
In answer to your question, my view is that you should leave it. If you try to get back with him you will be in for more of the same. Have a read around this forum and you will get a good idea of what life with an alcoholic partner is like.
Move on, there are good people out there who would be a respectful, reliable, supportive partner to you.
In answer to your question, my view is that you should leave it. If you try to get back with him you will be in for more of the same. Have a read around this forum and you will get a good idea of what life with an alcoholic partner is like.
Move on, there are good people out there who would be a respectful, reliable, supportive partner to you.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 154
I'm so sorry to hear your story Sommer. No one should be treated this way and yes your being treated badly and being totally disrespected by this "man" .
I have an almost identical story to yours. A friend from school, turned best friend in later years, got together and then bam !! He was horrendous ! . I walked after about 18 months as I knew that this wasn't love. It was something toxic that no longer made me happy, rather I was sad and stressed, consumed and exhausted with his drama.
One thing I learned from it was that people can only treat us bad if we let them.
Take back your power and walk away honey. Don't waste your life on someone who makes you sad . There's someone as lovely as you out there waiting for you.
I have an almost identical story to yours. A friend from school, turned best friend in later years, got together and then bam !! He was horrendous ! . I walked after about 18 months as I knew that this wasn't love. It was something toxic that no longer made me happy, rather I was sad and stressed, consumed and exhausted with his drama.
One thing I learned from it was that people can only treat us bad if we let them.
Take back your power and walk away honey. Don't waste your life on someone who makes you sad . There's someone as lovely as you out there waiting for you.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Sommer......welcome to the forum!
In response to your question, from what you have shared with us----I suggest that you leave it.
It sounds like he has spiraled rather far into his alcoholism. Alcoholism is progressive---which means that it gets worse and worse as time goes on.
If you enter into his life--I predict that you will be facing more misery than you can imagine. It gives me no pleasure to say this to you, as I know it is the last thing that you want to hear.
You are still in the "rose colored glasses" stage of the relationship---where everything looks great and one is so filled with such hopes and dreams. It is such an emotional "high"
We have all been there....lol
This wil not last, though.
He may well have been attracted to you---but, that, alone does not make him capable of holding up the responsibilities of a relationship.
He is not even allowed to see his own children without supervision. That does not just happen by accident. And, it is probably not ALL of his wife's fault that the marriage failed. There is a good chance that his alcoholism codntributed to the failure.
Around here---we say that one should look at the Actions---not the words. Words can be easy to say. Sweet words on the pillo at night can evaporate like the dew in the morning sun.
He said tha he would never hurt you---but, it looks, to me, like you are already hurting!
In response to your question, from what you have shared with us----I suggest that you leave it.
It sounds like he has spiraled rather far into his alcoholism. Alcoholism is progressive---which means that it gets worse and worse as time goes on.
If you enter into his life--I predict that you will be facing more misery than you can imagine. It gives me no pleasure to say this to you, as I know it is the last thing that you want to hear.
You are still in the "rose colored glasses" stage of the relationship---where everything looks great and one is so filled with such hopes and dreams. It is such an emotional "high"
We have all been there....lol
This wil not last, though.
He may well have been attracted to you---but, that, alone does not make him capable of holding up the responsibilities of a relationship.
He is not even allowed to see his own children without supervision. That does not just happen by accident. And, it is probably not ALL of his wife's fault that the marriage failed. There is a good chance that his alcoholism codntributed to the failure.
Around here---we say that one should look at the Actions---not the words. Words can be easy to say. Sweet words on the pillo at night can evaporate like the dew in the morning sun.
He said tha he would never hurt you---but, it looks, to me, like you are already hurting!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,653
Hi Sommer! Well, as the others have said, your best bet here is to leave him be. Why? Because he is hiding, not just from you, from the world and probably even from himself.
He detoxed, but that doesn't mean he stayed sober, if he did manage to, well he's obviously not getting any outside help so that will probably be short-lived (as has happened before).
Those are his actions, relapse, refusal to get support.
He may have said he will never hurt you, what he probably really meant is that he doesn't WANT to hurt you, because he knows he will. I'm sure the "mood swings" included some kind of verbal abuse?
You can let him go and love him anyway. As time goes on and you heal from this (and it will hurt for a while!) when you reflect you might see that what you were hoping for was his "potential". I'm sure he's, generally, not a bad guy, but he has a huge burden (that you can't help him with).
Why is he on FB? Why wouldn't he be. I don't know what he's doing there but I'm sure he has lots of time on his hands. It's not that he "can't" contact you, it's that he isn't (he can't handle a relationship).
Don't take this personally. It's not about you, it's about him and his alcoholism. Many alcoholics would like a girlfriend/wife/husband and a house and children and a good job and etc etc, that doesn't mean that is realistic. He can't be trusted with his children because he probably can't be trusted to not drink around them. Drunk parents make terrible parents.
I wish I had something happier to suggest, like if you just hung in there this all might work out, however, do you really see that? To be in "recovery" you first have to be sober and recovery can take a long time, up to a year probably to even start to feel normal. He's not even in any kind of recovery.
He detoxed, but that doesn't mean he stayed sober, if he did manage to, well he's obviously not getting any outside help so that will probably be short-lived (as has happened before).
Those are his actions, relapse, refusal to get support.
He may have said he will never hurt you, what he probably really meant is that he doesn't WANT to hurt you, because he knows he will. I'm sure the "mood swings" included some kind of verbal abuse?
You can let him go and love him anyway. As time goes on and you heal from this (and it will hurt for a while!) when you reflect you might see that what you were hoping for was his "potential". I'm sure he's, generally, not a bad guy, but he has a huge burden (that you can't help him with).
Why is he on FB? Why wouldn't he be. I don't know what he's doing there but I'm sure he has lots of time on his hands. It's not that he "can't" contact you, it's that he isn't (he can't handle a relationship).
Don't take this personally. It's not about you, it's about him and his alcoholism. Many alcoholics would like a girlfriend/wife/husband and a house and children and a good job and etc etc, that doesn't mean that is realistic. He can't be trusted with his children because he probably can't be trusted to not drink around them. Drunk parents make terrible parents.
I wish I had something happier to suggest, like if you just hung in there this all might work out, however, do you really see that? To be in "recovery" you first have to be sober and recovery can take a long time, up to a year probably to even start to feel normal. He's not even in any kind of recovery.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2022
Posts: 4
Originally Posted by trailmix 
Hi Sommer! Well, as the others have said, your best bet here is to leave him be. Why? Because he is hiding, not just from you, from the world and probably even from himself.
He detoxed, but that doesn't mean he stayed sober, if he did manage to, well he's obviously not getting any outside help so that will probably be short-lived (as has happened before).
Those are his actions, relapse, refusal to get support.
He may have said he will never hurt you, what he probably really meant is that he doesn't WANT to hurt you, because he knows he will. I'm sure the "mood swings" included some kind of verbal abuse?
You can let him go and love him anyway. As time goes on and you heal from this (and it will hurt for a while!) when you reflect you might see that what you were hoping for was his "potential". I'm sure he's, generally, not a bad guy, but he has a huge burden (that you can't help him with).
Why is he on FB? Why wouldn't he be. I don't know what he's doing there but I'm sure he has lots of time on his hands. It's not that he "can't" contact you, it's that he isn't (he can't handle a relationship).
Don't take this personally. It's not about you, it's about him and his alcoholism. Many alcoholics would like a girlfriend/wife/husband and a house and children and a good job and etc etc, that doesn't mean that is realistic. He can't be trusted with his children because he probably can't be trusted to not drink around them. Drunk parents make terrible parents.
I wish I had something happier to suggest, like if you just hung in there this all might work out, however, do you really see that? To be in "recovery" you first have to be sober and recovery can take a long time, up to a year probably to even start to feel normal. He's not even in any kind of recovery.
He detoxed, but that doesn't mean he stayed sober, if he did manage to, well he's obviously not getting any outside help so that will probably be short-lived (as has happened before).
Those are his actions, relapse, refusal to get support.
He may have said he will never hurt you, what he probably really meant is that he doesn't WANT to hurt you, because he knows he will. I'm sure the "mood swings" included some kind of verbal abuse?
You can let him go and love him anyway. As time goes on and you heal from this (and it will hurt for a while!) when you reflect you might see that what you were hoping for was his "potential". I'm sure he's, generally, not a bad guy, but he has a huge burden (that you can't help him with).
Why is he on FB? Why wouldn't he be. I don't know what he's doing there but I'm sure he has lots of time on his hands. It's not that he "can't" contact you, it's that he isn't (he can't handle a relationship).
Don't take this personally. It's not about you, it's about him and his alcoholism. Many alcoholics would like a girlfriend/wife/husband and a house and children and a good job and etc etc, that doesn't mean that is realistic. He can't be trusted with his children because he probably can't be trusted to not drink around them. Drunk parents make terrible parents.
I wish I had something happier to suggest, like if you just hung in there this all might work out, however, do you really see that? To be in "recovery" you first have to be sober and recovery can take a long time, up to a year probably to even start to feel normal. He's not even in any kind of recovery.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 291
Why would his Ex want to support him? She's his Ex, she doesn't need to support him, or listen to him. I certainly wouldn't have given mine daylight in a dark corner!
As for bringing the children to visit him, it may not have been appropriate or beneficial for the children to see their father drunk.
As has been mentioned previously, he had supervised visitation only - there's a reason for that. I would imagine it's been decided via the court also.
You may not be getting the full story.
Take good care of you.
Much Love
Bute x
As for bringing the children to visit him, it may not have been appropriate or beneficial for the children to see their father drunk.
As has been mentioned previously, he had supervised visitation only - there's a reason for that. I would imagine it's been decided via the court also.
You may not be getting the full story.
Take good care of you.
Much Love
Bute x
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,653
You know, ex's are ex's for a reason and I am sure she has her reasons for not wanting to support him. I'm sure she tried just like you are. If you read around the forum here you will find many stories of wives abandoned by husbands (or husbands abandoned by wives) either physically or emotionally or both, due to their drinking. It's very common. So while I know nothing of their story, children cannot support an alcoholic either, it's emotionally damaging to the kids.
You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's). People who are addicted to a substance will get help and treatment when they are ready and not before. No amount of cajoling, begging, helping, researching facilities will make them do it. They need to want to do it themselves, badly, it's a very difficult thing to quit using. He needs professional help.
My Father was an alcoholic, he never quit drinking, never sought treatment. Some people don't.
You know, the meeting up with an old high school friend or flame (over social media usually) and then getting in to a relationship and having it falter when alcoholism shows itself is not unheard of here, there are a few stories of the same. I imagine people reach out to those friends they had before, perhaps to try and recapture a time when things weren't so complicated. Alcohol complicates life.
Although you have been around alcoholics all your life, how much do you really know about addiction? I grew up with an alcoholic Father and I have to say I didn't know that much about it until I started researching it (as an adult).
Are you concerned for his safety or just confused by his behaviour and wondering if he feels it is over or both?
You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's). People who are addicted to a substance will get help and treatment when they are ready and not before. No amount of cajoling, begging, helping, researching facilities will make them do it. They need to want to do it themselves, badly, it's a very difficult thing to quit using. He needs professional help.
My Father was an alcoholic, he never quit drinking, never sought treatment. Some people don't.
You know, the meeting up with an old high school friend or flame (over social media usually) and then getting in to a relationship and having it falter when alcoholism shows itself is not unheard of here, there are a few stories of the same. I imagine people reach out to those friends they had before, perhaps to try and recapture a time when things weren't so complicated. Alcohol complicates life.
Although you have been around alcoholics all your life, how much do you really know about addiction? I grew up with an alcoholic Father and I have to say I didn't know that much about it until I started researching it (as an adult).
Are you concerned for his safety or just confused by his behaviour and wondering if he feels it is over or both?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 565
I also got back together with an former love after 20 years, only to discover that he had become a raging alcoholic. I wasted 3 years and suffered a huge amount of heartbreak and trauma and finally had to let go. He eventually drank himself to death at age 53.
As for me, I put the focus back where it belonged - on me and my kids. I re-discovered my passions and hobbies, got myself on the path to wellness (partners of alcoholics often get just as sick as the drinker from lack of self-care) and along the way, I met a delightful, mentally healthy, sober man who fills my life with joy.
Some people are better loved from afar.
As for me, I put the focus back where it belonged - on me and my kids. I re-discovered my passions and hobbies, got myself on the path to wellness (partners of alcoholics often get just as sick as the drinker from lack of self-care) and along the way, I met a delightful, mentally healthy, sober man who fills my life with joy.
Some people are better loved from afar.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,653
Here are a few threads as I mentioned earlier, about former high school friends. Some of them are a couple of years old and the posters may not come here anymore, but I thought you might find them helpful:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...er-update.html (Old-timer Update)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...s-so-much.html (I told my ABF to leave, it hurts so much...)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...me-moving.html (Hard time moving on...)
Spider Queen's first post can be found here: https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...g-support.html (Seeking support)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...er-update.html (Old-timer Update)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...s-so-much.html (I told my ABF to leave, it hurts so much...)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...me-moving.html (Hard time moving on...)
Spider Queen's first post can be found here: https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...g-support.html (Seeking support)
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