Where to even begin?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2022
Posts: 1
Where to even begin?
My husband and I have been together for 40 years. We have always enjoyed drinks socially.
Within the past few years, he has been drinking heavily and lying about how much...both volume of alcohol and money spent. We have discussed it and when answering basic questions about his alcohol use, it seems clear he is alcohol dependent.
Of course I am concerned about his health, but there is a financial concern as well. He sneaks and weasels and lies which he has never done before. He now hides liquor and drinks alone to the point of passing out.
I am at a loss as to where to even begin. The lies are as troubling to me as the excessive drinking. My instincts tell me to do all the things the professionals say not to do...
What would someone here (who has experienced this first hand) suggest as a starting point?
Within the past few years, he has been drinking heavily and lying about how much...both volume of alcohol and money spent. We have discussed it and when answering basic questions about his alcohol use, it seems clear he is alcohol dependent.
Of course I am concerned about his health, but there is a financial concern as well. He sneaks and weasels and lies which he has never done before. He now hides liquor and drinks alone to the point of passing out.
I am at a loss as to where to even begin. The lies are as troubling to me as the excessive drinking. My instincts tell me to do all the things the professionals say not to do...
What would someone here (who has experienced this first hand) suggest as a starting point?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2018
Posts: 436
Hello Grange I'm so sorry to read about what is troubling you.
al-anon would be a very good starting point either online or in real time meetings.
Reading around this forum is also a good place to start. There is so much to learn from others stories and so much support to gain. By reading about what others go through we realise we are not alone with this.
And keep posting here.
al-anon would be a very good starting point either online or in real time meetings.
Reading around this forum is also a good place to start. There is so much to learn from others stories and so much support to gain. By reading about what others go through we realise we are not alone with this.
And keep posting here.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Welcome, Grange!
Yes, Amaranth's suggestion of beginning to attend alanon meetings is an excellent first step.
Here are a few more suggesations.......in addition to alanon, of course.
1. Get a copy of the most frequently recommended book, on this forum----"Co-dependent No More" and read it ASAP...lol. It is an easy read and I predict that so much of it will resonate with you.
2. Reqd through all of the over 100 excellent articles regarding the thing that you are dealing with. These articles are contained in the section called "Classic Reading"----in the stickies section, located just above the regular threads. I you can't find "Classic Reading"---let me know!
There is sooo much to know. Knowledge is power.
After you read the articles in "Classic Reading"----you will have a "boot-camp" amount of knowlege under your belt!...lol.
Yes, Amaranth's suggestion of beginning to attend alanon meetings is an excellent first step.
Here are a few more suggesations.......in addition to alanon, of course.
1. Get a copy of the most frequently recommended book, on this forum----"Co-dependent No More" and read it ASAP...lol. It is an easy read and I predict that so much of it will resonate with you.
2. Reqd through all of the over 100 excellent articles regarding the thing that you are dealing with. These articles are contained in the section called "Classic Reading"----in the stickies section, located just above the regular threads. I you can't find "Classic Reading"---let me know!
There is sooo much to know. Knowledge is power.
After you read the articles in "Classic Reading"----you will have a "boot-camp" amount of knowlege under your belt!...lol.
sage
Join Date: Jul 2021
Posts: 704
If there is a financial concern, I'd strongly suggest that you set up your own accounts (I firmly believe all individuals should have their own accounts anyway). You should have savings to equal a minimum of several months' living expenses of emergency savings. You should also have a separate checking account from which to pay bills. Perhaps when he is sober make an agreement about how much money each of you gets for spending, and what has to go into the bill paying account, and then don't allow transfers from your accounts to his.
It may be difficult to separate finances after 40 years of marriage, but I know from experience that an out of control addict can blow through the retirement accounts, the savings accounts, and finally the checking account. I went from a well planned future to hiding cash from each paycheck just to keep a roof over our heads.
It may be difficult to separate finances after 40 years of marriage, but I know from experience that an out of control addict can blow through the retirement accounts, the savings accounts, and finally the checking account. I went from a well planned future to hiding cash from each paycheck just to keep a roof over our heads.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,653
Originally Posted by Grange 
My instincts tell me to do all the things the professionals say not to do...
What have you read that professionals say not to do? There are a few points of view - tough love, coddling the addict, keeping hands off their alcoholism. What is your instinct on it all?
You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's)
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: uk
Posts: 2,428
Welcome, Grange, sorry for the sad situation that brings you to us but glad you found us.
I encourage you to have a read around, you will see your story reflected here. All the issues you describe are sadly very typical with drinkers.
I see from above members that "Co-dependent No More" and Al-anon have been suggested. These two resources were a huge help to me. I had to learn to untangle myself from my late alcoholic husband. See what was my responsibility and what was his.
You ask for a starting point. My honest answer is for you to review whether you want to carry on in this situation or not. Alcoholism gets worse over time. It only stops if the person themselves is willing to put aside the alcohol AND do the very hard work of working a recovery program for life.
I encourage you to have a read around, you will see your story reflected here. All the issues you describe are sadly very typical with drinkers.
I see from above members that "Co-dependent No More" and Al-anon have been suggested. These two resources were a huge help to me. I had to learn to untangle myself from my late alcoholic husband. See what was my responsibility and what was his.
You ask for a starting point. My honest answer is for you to review whether you want to carry on in this situation or not. Alcoholism gets worse over time. It only stops if the person themselves is willing to put aside the alcohol AND do the very hard work of working a recovery program for life.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Blue Ridge Mountains
Posts: 816
Welcome Grange, glad you found us.
I experienced your situation, but with more turbulence through the years, periods of
sobriety then using etc. He didn't stop for good until he had lost a dear high school friend
to alcohol and his brother who died a miserable death waiting for a liver transplant.
Thats what it took for him, and his own kidneys starting to fail.
I strongly recommend alanon, it may take a few meetings to find one that feels right.
Reading the books mentioned here and literature about what alcoholism does to
families. In hindsight, knowing what I know now, I would not have stayed and exposed
myself to so much agony, watching him spiral down. He is healthy now, and continues
to be very active in AA. I will say that some things are not repairable, sadly.
I experienced your situation, but with more turbulence through the years, periods of
sobriety then using etc. He didn't stop for good until he had lost a dear high school friend
to alcohol and his brother who died a miserable death waiting for a liver transplant.
Thats what it took for him, and his own kidneys starting to fail.
I strongly recommend alanon, it may take a few meetings to find one that feels right.
Reading the books mentioned here and literature about what alcoholism does to
families. In hindsight, knowing what I know now, I would not have stayed and exposed
myself to so much agony, watching him spiral down. He is healthy now, and continues
to be very active in AA. I will say that some things are not repairable, sadly.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
