Well that was stupid.
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Join Date: Apr 2022
Location: New England
Posts: 83
Well that was stupid.
I know I should not say anything to my husband or his girlfriend. I know that. But I could not help myself today. I got yet another toll charge in my name because he is still driving the vehicle registered to us both (but my name is first, so the bills are in my name). This time from out of state because he traveled to visit his girlfriend.
I told him to pay me today. He said it won't be today. SMH. I replied and said it's nice to know you didn't see your son walk across the stage to get his diploma because you were visiting your girlfriend, how many more milestones are you going to miss in their lives for alcohol and this woman? Included a link to the news article about her robbing a gas station. Of course he didn't respond.
Sent her a copy of a letter he wrote where he says she needs serious help. Said he hasn't seen his kids or spoken to them and they're about to be homeless because of him and his choices, said you two deserve each other, excellent father material you picked, and good luck to you both.
I would unsend them if I could, but I can't. Oh well. A little slip. I am just so stressed out and this whole thing makes me so mad, then to get a bill in the mail in my name AGAIN because of him. Like I have money to spare. I've just had it. And my attorney says I cannot go get the vehicle, which I think is total BS and so frustrating. It's my vehicle as much as it is his.
Just came here to confess I guess. I screwed up. Try to do better next time. Ugh.
I told him to pay me today. He said it won't be today. SMH. I replied and said it's nice to know you didn't see your son walk across the stage to get his diploma because you were visiting your girlfriend, how many more milestones are you going to miss in their lives for alcohol and this woman? Included a link to the news article about her robbing a gas station. Of course he didn't respond.
Sent her a copy of a letter he wrote where he says she needs serious help. Said he hasn't seen his kids or spoken to them and they're about to be homeless because of him and his choices, said you two deserve each other, excellent father material you picked, and good luck to you both.
I would unsend them if I could, but I can't. Oh well. A little slip. I am just so stressed out and this whole thing makes me so mad, then to get a bill in the mail in my name AGAIN because of him. Like I have money to spare. I've just had it. And my attorney says I cannot go get the vehicle, which I think is total BS and so frustrating. It's my vehicle as much as it is his.
Just came here to confess I guess. I screwed up. Try to do better next time. Ugh.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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firecricket-----who said that you should not say anything to your husband? Not say anything about anything?!
I think it is up to you to decide, in each situation, what to say and when to say it---or not. Every situation is a scenario-dependent situation, in my opinion.
No two situations are going to be identical. Each sitution requires it's own seperate decision making.
I think that I understand how very difficult it is going to be to get to the point of accepting the realities of y our husband's abandonment of his prental rfesponsibilities. I can understand your white-hot anger about it. I think I would feel the same.
For myself....I have learned---when possible----sleep on any major action that I take---and, see "how I feel in the morning".
I think it is up to you to decide, in each situation, what to say and when to say it---or not. Every situation is a scenario-dependent situation, in my opinion.
No two situations are going to be identical. Each sitution requires it's own seperate decision making.
I think that I understand how very difficult it is going to be to get to the point of accepting the realities of y our husband's abandonment of his prental rfesponsibilities. I can understand your white-hot anger about it. I think I would feel the same.
For myself....I have learned---when possible----sleep on any major action that I take---and, see "how I feel in the morning".
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Join Date: Sep 2018
Posts: 436
I think you absolutely should say many things to your husband. It's more about how you say them and how you feel after you say them. You have every right to stand your ground around the car situation.
FOr me it's the expression of the emotions that can leave me feeling like I messed it up. I try to stick to the facts and leave the emotions to one side when dealing with the ex. Anytime I have raised my voice I feel like I lost that round. It takes practice but think of it in terms of acting rather than reacting. It's perfectly reasonable that he should pay his own fine and stating that as a fact, with a full stop behind it is enough. The minute I get into blaming or criticizing I'm in the danger zone. Sometimes I manage to state in a non-emotional tone that I am hurt, or angry or feel jealous of the other woman. Owning my emotions in that way rather than acting out on them I find very empowering.
You mustn't allow your husband to silence you. These things need to be addressed. This stuff is not easy. You're doing well.
FOr me it's the expression of the emotions that can leave me feeling like I messed it up. I try to stick to the facts and leave the emotions to one side when dealing with the ex. Anytime I have raised my voice I feel like I lost that round. It takes practice but think of it in terms of acting rather than reacting. It's perfectly reasonable that he should pay his own fine and stating that as a fact, with a full stop behind it is enough. The minute I get into blaming or criticizing I'm in the danger zone. Sometimes I manage to state in a non-emotional tone that I am hurt, or angry or feel jealous of the other woman. Owning my emotions in that way rather than acting out on them I find very empowering.
You mustn't allow your husband to silence you. These things need to be addressed. This stuff is not easy. You're doing well.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,653
Did the attorney mention why you can't go get the vehicle? It's yours (well half yours), I mean is there any legal reason? Maybe he just thinks it's not "fair". Now it's even costing you money. Unless he gave you a legal reason, I would be looking for a new lawyer (if financially feasible).
That aside, don't feel bad about what you said, maybe it was harsh but it was also the truth. They are ugly truths, I understand your anger.
That aside, don't feel bad about what you said, maybe it was harsh but it was also the truth. They are ugly truths, I understand your anger.
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Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 291
Many years ago, my friends husband walked out on her. He took the car, which had her name on also, and she was paying for.
After much discussion, me, her brother and her decided we were taking it back. We knew where her husband was staying, and undercover of darkness, we drove over there.
As we entered the street, I told her brother to slow right down, and switch the headlights off. We saw the car in the drive way, and turned the car around so we were facing out of the street.
My friend and I got out of the car very quietly, and got into her car, put the seatbelts on and quietly rolled it out of the driveway, which was sloped. Turned the engine on then FLOORED IT. Both of us were sh*t scared, but I kept telling her to keep going. Once we got on the motorway (freeway), we looked at each other and started laughing so hard, we almost pee'd our pants!
Her brother took the car away and hid it in his friends garage, til she downsized to a smaller vehicle for herself.
Talk about empowering - NOT that I'm suggesting you do the same Firecricket, but that sure was a poke in the eye with a sharp stick for him.
Much Love
Bute x
After much discussion, me, her brother and her decided we were taking it back. We knew where her husband was staying, and undercover of darkness, we drove over there.
As we entered the street, I told her brother to slow right down, and switch the headlights off. We saw the car in the drive way, and turned the car around so we were facing out of the street.
My friend and I got out of the car very quietly, and got into her car, put the seatbelts on and quietly rolled it out of the driveway, which was sloped. Turned the engine on then FLOORED IT. Both of us were sh*t scared, but I kept telling her to keep going. Once we got on the motorway (freeway), we looked at each other and started laughing so hard, we almost pee'd our pants!
Her brother took the car away and hid it in his friends garage, til she downsized to a smaller vehicle for herself.
Talk about empowering - NOT that I'm suggesting you do the same Firecricket, but that sure was a poke in the eye with a sharp stick for him.
Much Love
Bute x
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Join Date: Apr 2022
Location: New England
Posts: 83
Originally Posted by trailmix 
Did the attorney mention why you can't go get the vehicle? It's yours (well half yours), I mean is there any legal reason? Maybe he just thinks it's not "fair". Now it's even costing you money. Unless he gave you a legal reason, I would be looking for a new lawyer (if financially feasible).
That aside, don't feel bad about what you said, maybe it was harsh but it was also the truth. They are ugly truths, I understand your anger.
That aside, don't feel bad about what you said, maybe it was harsh but it was also the truth. They are ugly truths, I understand your anger.
it’s just such BS that he can violate a court order with no consequences and I can’t. I mean I can but I won’t because I’m not like that.
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Join Date: Apr 2022
Location: New England
Posts: 83
Originally Posted by Bute
Many years ago, my friends husband walked out on her. He took the car, which had her name on also, and she was paying for.
After much discussion, me, her brother and her decided we were taking it back. We knew where her husband was staying, and undercover of darkness, we drove over there.
After much discussion, me, her brother and her decided we were taking it back. We knew where her husband was staying, and undercover of darkness, we drove over there.
I might start selling off his tools- I can do that only if I absolutely need to to pay the bills. Guess I’ll start taking pictures and posting them for sale today.
sage
Join Date: Jul 2021
Posts: 704
It's not much consolation now, but when you do get in front of the judge, the fact you stayed on the high road and your qualifier was in contempt on so many issues will be helpful to your case.
If selling the tools violates nothing, do it. Your priority is your children, not curating things that are taking up space and costing you to store them.
If selling the tools violates nothing, do it. Your priority is your children, not curating things that are taking up space and costing you to store them.
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Join Date: Apr 2022
Location: New England
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Originally Posted by sage1969
It's not much consolation now, but when you do get in front of the judge, the fact you stayed on the high road and your qualifier was in contempt on so many issues will be helpful to your case.
If selling the tools violates nothing, do it. Your priority is your children, not curating things that are taking up space and costing you to store them.
If selling the tools violates nothing, do it. Your priority is your children, not curating things that are taking up space and costing you to store them.
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Join Date: Apr 2022
Location: New England
Posts: 83
I am not doing so great today. It is really hurtful that my husband is with someone else already, in less than 3 months. I'm nearly certain he has been with her since days after he left. The same woman he cheated on me with me 8 years ago. And now I'm stuck paying the toll bill from him visiting her.
How do you move on so quickly from someone you spent 16 years with and have 4 children with?
I have been reading about trauma bonding all day but there is no super quick way to break it. It must be nice to move on within days, must be really nice for him. Must be great.
I hate this feeling.
How do you move on so quickly from someone you spent 16 years with and have 4 children with?
I have been reading about trauma bonding all day but there is no super quick way to break it. It must be nice to move on within days, must be really nice for him. Must be great.
I hate this feeling.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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You will get through this by reminding yourself that it isn't actually about you, or your children. My Father loved me and my Sisters (even my Mom) to the best of his ability. His ability to love was really low, compared to probably what you or I would expect.
It had to be to do all the terrible things he did.
To understand the "not right" thinking, he didn't really understand why, as adults, we didn't want to come over and visit dadums all the time with our own children.
I think what goes along with that is an inability to make true attachments. Now a lot of this has to do with alcoholism, I'm sure, but upbringing plays in to it as well. Then again, who can say, chicken or egg?
You wrote in your original post:
So what is that controlling? Not wanting him to get blind drunk every day or every few days? With a wife and 4 children depending on him to be a good Father? Well, isn't that just too bad.
So now, you have your children, your job, a roof over your head (which you will continue to have as this works it's way through).
He has an ex convict, no doubt alcoholic girlfriend, no job and no family now. But most of all, above all else, he has his alcohol and that's really all he wants.
As you know, alcoholism is progressive. He is progressing with it. How someone acts or treats you does not make you less or more.
It had to be to do all the terrible things he did.
To understand the "not right" thinking, he didn't really understand why, as adults, we didn't want to come over and visit dadums all the time with our own children.
I think what goes along with that is an inability to make true attachments. Now a lot of this has to do with alcoholism, I'm sure, but upbringing plays in to it as well. Then again, who can say, chicken or egg?
You wrote in your original post:
He left me the day he started his out patient program, said he was done and I'm too controlling
So now, you have your children, your job, a roof over your head (which you will continue to have as this works it's way through).
He has an ex convict, no doubt alcoholic girlfriend, no job and no family now. But most of all, above all else, he has his alcohol and that's really all he wants.
As you know, alcoholism is progressive. He is progressing with it. How someone acts or treats you does not make you less or more.
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" My Father loved me and my Sisters (even my Mom) to the best of his ability. His ability to love was really low, compared to probably what you or I would expect."
And there we have it. I read somewhere, eons ago, that men in general pick up new partners rather quickly compared to women - alcohol was not mentioned as a factor. Sadly, I suspect *anyone* who re-couples fast has not spent a lot of time examining what was amiss in the last relationship. The new gal may be a boozer, as well, and that way they can convince one another that they don't have a problem - the rest of the world does. They'll hang out with other addicts to reinforce their world view. As someone's mother once told him, "people are like water. They seek their own level."
I suspect my late husband was cheating. I know he was into some pretty odd porn. In the years since his passing, I've come to believe that he was doing the best he could. We're all frail, flawed mortals, after all. The best he could was pretty poor, by the usual standards, but I had no power to change him, and after his drinking passed a tipping point, I'm not sure he had the power to change, either. We had some good years at the beginning. Today I realized our anniversary would have been in a week. I loved (and I miss) the man I married, but he started disappearing long before he died.
And there we have it. I read somewhere, eons ago, that men in general pick up new partners rather quickly compared to women - alcohol was not mentioned as a factor. Sadly, I suspect *anyone* who re-couples fast has not spent a lot of time examining what was amiss in the last relationship. The new gal may be a boozer, as well, and that way they can convince one another that they don't have a problem - the rest of the world does. They'll hang out with other addicts to reinforce their world view. As someone's mother once told him, "people are like water. They seek their own level."
I suspect my late husband was cheating. I know he was into some pretty odd porn. In the years since his passing, I've come to believe that he was doing the best he could. We're all frail, flawed mortals, after all. The best he could was pretty poor, by the usual standards, but I had no power to change him, and after his drinking passed a tipping point, I'm not sure he had the power to change, either. We had some good years at the beginning. Today I realized our anniversary would have been in a week. I loved (and I miss) the man I married, but he started disappearing long before he died.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
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Hey Firecricket
Just wanted to chime in with support. Your situation sucks, and you are allowed to be mad and frustrated, sad, grieving and lonely, and whatever other feelings come along. They are valid and we get it. They won't define you forever, I promise.
My first husband (not an alcoholic) and father of my girls just split one day after 15 years of marriage to take up with a woman half his age. It was heartbreaking, enraging, infuriating, demoralizing, and about 1000 other horrible things. I did and said (and fantasized doing) some pretty nasty stuff, mostly in words - kind of embarassing yeah, but I wasn't exactly on my best behavior. I was also left holding the bag financially while he ran off to "find himself". Well that crap eventually blew up on him, but I had moved on; and believe it or not we are friendly now and can even hang out and socialize.
You may not get there with your ex, especially since alcohol is involved. But you will eventually find equilibrium again, you will pass the survival mode and learn to thrive. It doesn't happen overnight. Just keep trying to do the best you can.
Just wanted to chime in with support. Your situation sucks, and you are allowed to be mad and frustrated, sad, grieving and lonely, and whatever other feelings come along. They are valid and we get it. They won't define you forever, I promise.
My first husband (not an alcoholic) and father of my girls just split one day after 15 years of marriage to take up with a woman half his age. It was heartbreaking, enraging, infuriating, demoralizing, and about 1000 other horrible things. I did and said (and fantasized doing) some pretty nasty stuff, mostly in words - kind of embarassing yeah, but I wasn't exactly on my best behavior. I was also left holding the bag financially while he ran off to "find himself". Well that crap eventually blew up on him, but I had moved on; and believe it or not we are friendly now and can even hang out and socialize.
You may not get there with your ex, especially since alcohol is involved. But you will eventually find equilibrium again, you will pass the survival mode and learn to thrive. It doesn't happen overnight. Just keep trying to do the best you can.
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