LovelyKaya33333

Hi everyone I have really missed you guys. I have been so busy with work... being a wedding planner and being the first real wedding season after COVID has been crazy to say the least. I do realize not coming on here, checking in and giving advice has not been good. So here I am again and committed to checking in and showing up.

So it has been almost exactly a year to the day that my exAH left me. He was drunk as a skunk. A few months ago he called me and while I was recovering from surgery I felt vulnerable to take his call. To be honest, I was on bed rest for 5 days and bored and didn't think about it... but he was hammered...like out of his mind hammered. He was also on a ton of cocaine... he admitted a lot to me ( cause I believe he was in a blackout at the time ) but one of the things was about his drug use and how he was on tons of pills for a while right before he left and the day he left. He admitted to affairs and emotion unfaithfulness with his ex wife.... basically everything I had a hunch about but he also called me "crazy" for accusing him of... We have only exchanged an email thread since that day and it was me letting him know I now knew everything my gut was telling me our entire marriage was the truth... Since then a few things have happened internally.

1) I now have my gut instinct back in tact... not having to question (even a little) if I was really just over reacting on certain things but it was in fact my gut instinct telling me to RUN feels nice. Like I am regaining a trust with myself

2) I can say out loud and mainly to myself that I was emotionally abused and twice he punched things right in front of my face and once pushed me up against the wall.... Phew I guess I am still struggling actually writing it.

3) I am ready to pin point and get specific therapy ( I was always in therapy but it was mostly about him )... I now know the things within myself that feel broken... it makes it exciting to start to get through the emotional heaviness

4) I could never imagine having him in my life again.

Lastly, for people that are having a hard time taking that initial leap.....I know how hard it is to leave a spouse or person in your life that won't stop drinking or using. It took me years to hit my rock bottom. ( as my writings show in here ) ... but when I came out of the fog things looked so different. My life is still chaotic in certain ways and I think my career is chaotic by nature ( which is why I am switching it after this wedding season ) BUT it is night and day from the chaos of living with an active alcoholic. It has been 1 year and while I have "dated" here and there...I have not had anything of significance in the romance department... it is lonely, I do still cry, I do have moments of feeling hurt and confused. They are just moments though.... and it is nothing compared to the anxiety I felt daily from my marriage to an alcoholic. I am officially divorced and my drivers license will say my former last name come July when I move to Hawaii ( I don't want to change it twice...in this state and when I move)... but I feel free... I know it sounds like I am advocating for everyone to split up that is in this situation and I am not. I know there are couples that can make it work... BUT I truly believe that if the alcoholic refuses to stop drinking it can not work and the amount of stress it held in my mind, heart and soul was unbelivable....

Just wanted to update and say thank you all again...

dandylion

Kayla....thank you sooo much for this great update! I am happy for the incredible progress and change that you have undergone.

I know that your story can inspire so many who are going through dark times, right now.

I encourage anyone who is rfeading this----to back to the beginning and follow Kayla's incredible and inspiring story.
To do this----go to her name on the left hand side of her post----see the drop-down menu---and choose the one called "previous threads"

LovelyKaya33333

Thank you for this Also thank you so much for all of the support and words of wisdom over the years... The support I got from this community was far better and more than I got from anyone or anything else. Coming to this forum and feeling like I could relate and share and get honest feedback was determental to getting to where I am at today. For any newcomers.... My advice is read read read and post and read ... as much as you need to... Thank you again xo

sage1969

It's so nice to see your post, and to hear from you. I'm really glad to hear that things are better for you and that you are healing in many ways. Best wishes!

trailmix

Hi Kaya! I was just thinking about you actually and wondering how you were getting on and if you were still moving (July?).

As for the phone call, what a jerk. But we already knew that right?

I'm so happy to see you happy!

trailmix

Hi Kaya! I was just thinking about you actually and wondering how you were getting on and if you were still moving (July?).

As for the phone call, what a jerk. But we already knew that right?

I'm so happy to see you happy!

LovelyKaya33333

Hi ...Thank you thank YOU thank you... for so much trailmix... thank you for everything ..you are amazing... and yes he is an ******* for that call... this was my response email and wow did it feel good

I don't know if you remember the over hour phone conversation we had when you were drunk and on cocaine a month ago but you were the one who actually told me about a lot of the unfaithfulness... especially emotionally. You even told me that you and Wendy had talked about getting back together after Shawn died ... mind you we were 2 years into our marriage. It blindsided me when you told me that. It took me a while to sit with it all and really see things for what they were. I was in a marriage with you working my butt off to keep things together and to hear that was nuts. You also told me about how you were actually talking to the girl in Texas while we were together and you were sorry for that and how you did in fact plan on moving Wendy into our apartment and getting back together with her when she had come out that summer.


You told me about girls you were with right when you got to Tennessee this time.


At this point I feel like our entire marriage and relationship seems like it was 1/2 truths and 1/2 lies and I now understand things a bit more. I already feel ashamed and embarrassed enough. I am not expecting you to ever understand it or where I am coming from...


I don't want to wear the image of being pathetic anymore. My husband left me is an emotional title I want to remove.... it is too hot, like a jacket in the summer. It is part of the reason moving to Maui is necessary. It is a fresh begining where only a very select few people know.


After that call a month ago... I was left with a feeling like I never really had a husband to grieve in the first place. This was based on the things you said. I am not sure if you can grasp how these things have made me feel or if you will just go into defense mode. I am not saying you are bad or anything ... but what I am saying is your need to feel better about things or to get drunk and "confess all these things" does not trump the gross feeling I get when I look back and have so many aha moments...

Your dad was right. I was good to you. I did take bullets and put up with odd situations. I was met with contempt by you a lot of the time no matter what I did or I how pivoted. This is just the truth.


You never have really given me credit or an appreciation to this day on where you were at when I met you and where you are at today. I do not think for a minute you would be even near as close to your kids if I hadn't stepped up to the plate and moved with you to Tennessee. My parents and I financially were a huge reason we could go. Emotionally, I don't think you would have done it and would have lost much more time with them. Instead of showing graciousness you have been pretty annoyed with me for wanting some kind of thank you.

So when you tell me that 4 years into our relationship and 2 years into our marriage (after Shawn died) you were talking to Wendy about getting back together with her I feel my skin crawl. I feel like an idiot. When you told me that it made total sense why Wendy never showed me respect... why did she need to, she was always your first choice... I was just there to "Help with rent and help with the kids"... You still to this day treat it as " Well it is what it is..."... You have always said that time is the most valued commodity ... yet you used mine like it was meaningless or disposable.


In conclusion, please get off your pedestal in saying you "won't let your character be ruined" or the ******** business like email you wrote... you are the one that told me the stuff you did. And for gods sake please stop saying " well I was damaged ".... You going through a divorce with Wendy never gave you the right to drag me through the mud for 7 years.

LovelyKaya33333

Thank you so much. I am thankful for you

trailmix

I like your response a lot. Let his character be ruined lol - oh the denial runs deep there.

Noelaus3

You’re update is just what I needed to read today. I’ve been separated for a year now and am looking to go down the divorce route. I was fantasizing just yesterday about changing my surname back!

Seren

What a great update, Kaya! And yes, his divorce was no excuse to be an abusive toad.

LovelyKaya33333

LOL right ?

LovelyKaya33333

Awe yay... I am glad it helped ... Getting my last name back for me is so meaningful.... chapter closed

LovelyKaya33333

Thank you and I agree 100%

SadPArtner

-"I am not saying you are bad"...

( based on his own confessions ) He IS BAD.
nomatter if you says it or not

I found myself doing that exact thing
trying to explain Hitler, that killing millons of peole is wrong, to see if he finally understands it, but trying not to make him feel bad .... ( codie staff )