Helping Myself and Ex w/ AUD Get Over BreakUp
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2022
Posts: 7
Helping Myself and Ex w/ AUD Get Over BreakUp
This is my first time posting here. I have read through everyone’s posts and am grateful for the insight they’ve provided.
I left my boyfriend who has aud two days ago. We were planning on buying a building together, but that can’t happen because of his drinking. He was arrested for an alcohol related incident 9 months ago and was in prison for 10 weeks. When he got out, he was sober and he maintained his sobriety for 6 months. I told him that I would stay with him and continue with the building if he maintained his sobriety and got a job. The building is a complicated rent to own deal, and I didn’t want to lose the investment. But that wasn’t really my reason for continuing with the building- I did it because he could live in the building and had nowhere to go and I loved him.
He stayed sober for half a year and found a new job. I love him so much. He is the sweetest most brilliant man I’ve met when he’s sober, and even most of the time when he’s drunk. But when things are bad, they’re atrocious.
He started drinking again 3 months ago. Since then, he lost his job and has been unable to pay his rent. He owes me $2000. He has also been abusive toward me. One night, he was drunk and told me he didn’t trust me. He was very angry. He said he could kill the world and that he could kill me. He then grabbed my head and said he could snap my neck. He did not physically hurt me. I should have left him then, but I didn’t.
My decision to break up was the culmination of a lot of issues caused by his drinking. He’s been trying to get me to move in with him, and I’ve been telling him no. He argues with me about it constantly, and gets angry when I tell him I need to go home. I find the constant arguments to be berating and harassing and asked him to stop and told him that he’s demonstrating my reason for not wanting to move in with him. On Friday, I went home to work. I was engrossed in writing for 6 hours. My phone was on and we texted a few times. He called that evening and was angry because I hadn’t called him since that afternoon. We argued about it and my refusal to live with him again and then made up. The following day, he blamed his financial instability on my not updating his website - we argued about that. Then the next day, he accused me of lying about the neck snapping incident and making it a bigger deal than it really was to cause drama. Specifically, he denied what he said to me and did. That was enough for me. To lie about that is salt on an already unacceptable wound. He was drunk during all of these incidents.
I broke up with him and told him I would reconsider a relationship if he is sober and has a support system. He has told me he won’t get help unless I’m in a relationship with him. That I don’t really love him if I can’t accept the whole him and work through the hard times. He’s on a bender now and is saying life is meaningless. I feel like I’ve abandoned someone I truly care about and someone who is a good person and treats me well when they’re not drunk. I’m very worried about his well-being right now.
What if anything should I do now to help myself and him continue individually healthy and productive lives? Should I tell someone in his world that he is in an unstable space? I know I was an enabler and messed up. I apologized to him for that. Any advice or insight would be appreciated.
I left my boyfriend who has aud two days ago. We were planning on buying a building together, but that can’t happen because of his drinking. He was arrested for an alcohol related incident 9 months ago and was in prison for 10 weeks. When he got out, he was sober and he maintained his sobriety for 6 months. I told him that I would stay with him and continue with the building if he maintained his sobriety and got a job. The building is a complicated rent to own deal, and I didn’t want to lose the investment. But that wasn’t really my reason for continuing with the building- I did it because he could live in the building and had nowhere to go and I loved him.
He stayed sober for half a year and found a new job. I love him so much. He is the sweetest most brilliant man I’ve met when he’s sober, and even most of the time when he’s drunk. But when things are bad, they’re atrocious.
He started drinking again 3 months ago. Since then, he lost his job and has been unable to pay his rent. He owes me $2000. He has also been abusive toward me. One night, he was drunk and told me he didn’t trust me. He was very angry. He said he could kill the world and that he could kill me. He then grabbed my head and said he could snap my neck. He did not physically hurt me. I should have left him then, but I didn’t.
My decision to break up was the culmination of a lot of issues caused by his drinking. He’s been trying to get me to move in with him, and I’ve been telling him no. He argues with me about it constantly, and gets angry when I tell him I need to go home. I find the constant arguments to be berating and harassing and asked him to stop and told him that he’s demonstrating my reason for not wanting to move in with him. On Friday, I went home to work. I was engrossed in writing for 6 hours. My phone was on and we texted a few times. He called that evening and was angry because I hadn’t called him since that afternoon. We argued about it and my refusal to live with him again and then made up. The following day, he blamed his financial instability on my not updating his website - we argued about that. Then the next day, he accused me of lying about the neck snapping incident and making it a bigger deal than it really was to cause drama. Specifically, he denied what he said to me and did. That was enough for me. To lie about that is salt on an already unacceptable wound. He was drunk during all of these incidents.
I broke up with him and told him I would reconsider a relationship if he is sober and has a support system. He has told me he won’t get help unless I’m in a relationship with him. That I don’t really love him if I can’t accept the whole him and work through the hard times. He’s on a bender now and is saying life is meaningless. I feel like I’ve abandoned someone I truly care about and someone who is a good person and treats me well when they’re not drunk. I’m very worried about his well-being right now.
What if anything should I do now to help myself and him continue individually healthy and productive lives? Should I tell someone in his world that he is in an unstable space? I know I was an enabler and messed up. I apologized to him for that. Any advice or insight would be appreciated.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
lzysusan......I am glad that you broke uo with him. I think that indicates that you have some semblence of self esteem. I believe that you did the right thing and that you are never wrong to put your own welfare first.
There is never a good reason to tolerate abuse, willingly.
Just because someone treats you welol, sometimes, does not give them a "free pass" to mistreat you at other times. Alcoholism is not a "free pass".
I have a couple of suggestions for you, if you are of a mind to do so....
1. Get a copy of the most recommended book on this forum---"Co-dependent No More". It is an easy read and I think that a lot of it will resonate with you.
2...It is not a good idea to argu with him about moving in with him or re-entering the relationship with him. On this forum, we say not to JADE You will never ever "win" and he will wear you down until he gets his way.
J. dON'T JUSTIFY YOURSELF
A Don't argue the point
D. Don't defend yourself
E. Don't explain yourself.
3. Go to the stickies section---just above the regular threads. Find the section called "Classic Readings". Begin rfeading the more than 100 articles that pretain to the issues that you are struggling with your boyfriend over. Read some every day.
You need to educate yourself about alvoholism and co-dependency. There is sooo much to know!!!
I am giving you the following article from the list that i mentioned, above. I think that you would benefit from the information in that article. I hope that you will read it.....lol.
10 Ways to Tell When an Addict or Alcoholic is Full of ****, reposted - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information (10 Ways to Tell When an Addict or Alcoholic is Full of ****, reposted)
There is never a good reason to tolerate abuse, willingly.
Just because someone treats you welol, sometimes, does not give them a "free pass" to mistreat you at other times. Alcoholism is not a "free pass".
I have a couple of suggestions for you, if you are of a mind to do so....
1. Get a copy of the most recommended book on this forum---"Co-dependent No More". It is an easy read and I think that a lot of it will resonate with you.
2...It is not a good idea to argu with him about moving in with him or re-entering the relationship with him. On this forum, we say not to JADE You will never ever "win" and he will wear you down until he gets his way.
J. dON'T JUSTIFY YOURSELF
A Don't argue the point
D. Don't defend yourself
E. Don't explain yourself.
3. Go to the stickies section---just above the regular threads. Find the section called "Classic Readings". Begin rfeading the more than 100 articles that pretain to the issues that you are struggling with your boyfriend over. Read some every day.
You need to educate yourself about alvoholism and co-dependency. There is sooo much to know!!!
I am giving you the following article from the list that i mentioned, above. I think that you would benefit from the information in that article. I hope that you will read it.....lol.
10 Ways to Tell When an Addict or Alcoholic is Full of ****, reposted - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information (10 Ways to Tell When an Addict or Alcoholic is Full of ****, reposted)
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,653
hi Susan, well, that certainly is a lot of drama and stress to deal with.
Personally I think you focusing on yourself is your best way of moving forward and out of this incredible dysfunction. As dandylion mentioned, your ExAB doesn't get a "free pass" just because he is an alcoholic.
You can't help him. If you could he would already be sober. He will quit when he's ready and not a moment before. He can try that alone or with the help of rehab or AA, people who can support him and understand what he needs. You are not that person. If love and care and attention could cure alcoholism, this forum would be a very quiet place.
Saying he won't get help unless you are there (to be abused) is hogwash! That's just manipulation. The fact that he nags and nags at you about moving in with him is really not ok. You are a grown up person, you said no, that should be enough right there. He knows your reasons, he just doesn't like them.
Sometimes when people have been drinking/drugging for a long time, they don't mature as much as a person who hasn't. They haven't coped with things they have encountered in life, sober and learned those coping mechanisms. Do you find him to be immature in general?
Telling someone, like a family member? It can't hurt, then you can leave that with them to proceed if they want to (although I am guessing everyone in his life has been dealing with this for a long time).
Personally I think you focusing on yourself is your best way of moving forward and out of this incredible dysfunction. As dandylion mentioned, your ExAB doesn't get a "free pass" just because he is an alcoholic.
You can't help him. If you could he would already be sober. He will quit when he's ready and not a moment before. He can try that alone or with the help of rehab or AA, people who can support him and understand what he needs. You are not that person. If love and care and attention could cure alcoholism, this forum would be a very quiet place.
Saying he won't get help unless you are there (to be abused) is hogwash! That's just manipulation. The fact that he nags and nags at you about moving in with him is really not ok. You are a grown up person, you said no, that should be enough right there. He knows your reasons, he just doesn't like them.
Sometimes when people have been drinking/drugging for a long time, they don't mature as much as a person who hasn't. They haven't coped with things they have encountered in life, sober and learned those coping mechanisms. Do you find him to be immature in general?
Telling someone, like a family member? It can't hurt, then you can leave that with them to proceed if they want to (although I am guessing everyone in his life has been dealing with this for a long time).
Member
Join Date: Jun 2022
Posts: 5
I'm currently in a very similar boat. This forum has been helpful and I'm diving through all the articles now.
Regarding reaching out to his people -- as mentioned previously, this is likely not new news to any of them. I made the mistake of reaching out to his mom to thank her for always including me in their family, etc., but letting her know he broke up with me and why. I also texted his best friend to inform him and ask him to check in on him. I'm sure you can guess the ugly texts I got from doing that..."Stop messaging MY PEOPLE! You don't have that right anymore," etc. He was on a 4 day bender, is functional today (which means just maintaining with shots throughout the day, and has already started texting me like we're still friends.
I'm learning that there is no way to remain in his life...it is just going to hold me back from finding what I deserve. Let me know if you ever need to chat. This is freaking devastating stuff.
Regarding reaching out to his people -- as mentioned previously, this is likely not new news to any of them. I made the mistake of reaching out to his mom to thank her for always including me in their family, etc., but letting her know he broke up with me and why. I also texted his best friend to inform him and ask him to check in on him. I'm sure you can guess the ugly texts I got from doing that..."Stop messaging MY PEOPLE! You don't have that right anymore," etc. He was on a 4 day bender, is functional today (which means just maintaining with shots throughout the day, and has already started texting me like we're still friends.
I'm learning that there is no way to remain in his life...it is just going to hold me back from finding what I deserve. Let me know if you ever need to chat. This is freaking devastating stuff.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,548
He didn't quit drinking while you were together, but now he can't quit when you're apart? My, isn't that convenient?
Love him from afar. It's safer.
He may really not remember his threats. When in a blackout state, he may be up and functioning, but his brain isn't recording new memories.
Love him from afar. It's safer.
He may really not remember his threats. When in a blackout state, he may be up and functioning, but his brain isn't recording new memories.
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