Introduction
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Hauppauge, NY
Posts: 62
Introduction
Hello All, I have been a member here for a long time, but I haven't posted much. I read all of your stories and find it very helpful. I am currently in a bad situation between my daughter (she's 29 and a recovering heroin addict). I say "recovering" because she is currently in a Methadone program and doing well. She really doesn't do any other form of counseling/meetings except what she gets at the clinic. She's been in the program for approximately 8 months. She came very close to death right before she got on the methadone. She is currently 6 months pregnant. Her boyfriend (25) and the father of her child is an alcoholic. He was in a life threatening accident one month ago and was told that he will probably never walk again. I don't know what I need from you people except a kind ear. I have been dealing with my daughter's addiction for many years and have done all the usual things, meetings, Co-Dependent No More, all of it. Right now I'm just really depressed/stressed waiting for the next disaster when the baby comes. I really don't know how these two are going to be as parents. He will be living with his parents and supposedly my daughter will be living with us and the baby. I feel she will probably go live with her boyfriend at his parent's house which greatly upsets me. I really feel he's not "done" with his drinking, even though it nearly killed him. Thanks for listening and any advice would be appreciated.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: uk
Posts: 2,428
I have no advice but wanted to express my sadness of reading of the situation, Elissa. Especially for the child that will be coming into this. Coming from a background of violence and insanity myself, no child ever deserves this. Sending a hug to you, Elissa.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,018
Hey Elissa, I'm glad you are posting. Addict/alcoholic kids seem the most difficult to deal with. Good to hear she has been in the program longer than she has been pregnant but still a tough situation.
It sounds like you know the cycle and how this goes. Kudos to you for educating yourself as much as you can.
In this painful journey, has anything in particular helped?
It sounds like you know the cycle and how this goes. Kudos to you for educating yourself as much as you can.
In this painful journey, has anything in particular helped?
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 674
Hi Elissa,
Just wanted to say that I am so sorry for what you are going through currently. There is so much support here; I do hope that you will be able to find some peace during this very difficult situation.Your daughter may stay clean and have a healthy baby and things will get better for everyone. I have learned that the specific things I worry about don't usually happen...it's the stuff that completely blindsides me that is usually the worst of it.
Just wanted to say that I am so sorry for what you are going through currently. There is so much support here; I do hope that you will be able to find some peace during this very difficult situation.Your daughter may stay clean and have a healthy baby and things will get better for everyone. I have learned that the specific things I worry about don't usually happen...it's the stuff that completely blindsides me that is usually the worst of it.
sage
Join Date: Jul 2021
Posts: 704
elissa, I'm glad that you have found this forum for support. Even if we ourselves have done much work around codependency and addiction, the pain we feel when we watch our loved ones fall is so real. It's especially difficult when it's our children. I know I feel helpless when I see mine make choices that harm themselves. I hope you keep posting here. Prayers for peace for you and healing for your family 💚
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,653
Hi elissa, I'm glad you decided to post. I'm sorry you are going through all this, it's got to be very stressful.
I also hope the baby is born happy and healthy. It seems odd doesn't it that your Daughter taking methadone and then getting pregnant coincides. Sorry lol - I think I must be a little cynical and wonder if she isn't "more" pregnant than you have been led to believe.
You mention that:
Is this up in the air? I mean from her side. Or are you just guessing that is how it will turn out (and I know you have years of experience with this).
You know, this is your "normal" now but not knowing what's going to happen is very unsettling. She either is going to live with you or she isn't. That's a huge lifestyle shift for you and you have a right to know, so I would try to pin her down on that, if she's waffling. I know she can always change her mind later. I think the real key in what you said is this:
The truth is, whether you accept it or not, it is. All you can control is how you react and what you are prepared to do. What are you prepared to do? Do you want your Daughter and the baby living with you? Would you prefer she live somewhere else? There may be resources available to her to get her own place after the baby is born. If she does choose to go live with the BF (and you may well be right about that), all you can do is keep in contact to see that the child is being treated well and if not you take action.
I also hope the baby is born happy and healthy. It seems odd doesn't it that your Daughter taking methadone and then getting pregnant coincides. Sorry lol - I think I must be a little cynical and wonder if she isn't "more" pregnant than you have been led to believe.
You mention that:
and supposedly my daughter will be living with us and the baby
You know, this is your "normal" now but not knowing what's going to happen is very unsettling. She either is going to live with you or she isn't. That's a huge lifestyle shift for you and you have a right to know, so I would try to pin her down on that, if she's waffling. I know she can always change her mind later. I think the real key in what you said is this:
but I am still struggling with acceptance of the whole mess
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Hauppauge, NY
Posts: 62
Thank you TrailMix, very good questions/points. I want my daughter and the baby to remain with me for the foreseeable future until we determine the bf's sobriety. I feel the environment is unstable. But as someone else mentioned its the incontrollable things that get us. Thank you so much for all of your kind responses, I really appreciate it and will keep you updated.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Hi, Elissa......there may be m ore options than you are aware of. Welcone to the forum.
First of all---you need support, also! I hope that you already have a counselor to help guide you through this stressful and challenging time. If not, I suggest that yoou make that a goal for yourself.
If you need resources----you can find them through the local COUNTY social services. (I see that you live in NY). Tfhey have lots of services and the county social workers can help you.
You can google the county government website to see the services and the names of the social workers.
Some questions.......
1. would your daughter consider placing the child for an open adiption? If so, Catholic Charities is one good source for thiis. There are m anyother private adoption agencies that will help out.
2. If her doctor knows about the methadone----the baby wil be cloely monitored, in the hospital, at the time of delivery. Therefore, child protective services will likely be following her case. If the baby is taken away---you could be a like;y relative to have temporary custody as a foster parent.
If she should arrive at a hospital that her doctor does not attend----then, you can call the socialservices department of that hospital and tell them about her drug history---and, the methadone.
In any case, along the way---you can always contact child protective services and they will step in and m onitor the whole situation---they can do a better job of that, than you--and, they have more power than you to do soething abofut it, in the interest of the child.
I reaize that this may sound very harsh, to you. i certainly do understand that. But, this is a very, very challenging situation...and, some tough decisions will have to be made. You sound like the most capable adult in the whole situation and the future of the child is, likely, in your hands!
In any case, I suggest that you go into action, now---as there is little time until delivery. First step--I suggest that you start ontacting County Governmentg SocialServices, to get you started.
First of all---you need support, also! I hope that you already have a counselor to help guide you through this stressful and challenging time. If not, I suggest that yoou make that a goal for yourself.
If you need resources----you can find them through the local COUNTY social services. (I see that you live in NY). Tfhey have lots of services and the county social workers can help you.
You can google the county government website to see the services and the names of the social workers.
Some questions.......
1. would your daughter consider placing the child for an open adiption? If so, Catholic Charities is one good source for thiis. There are m anyother private adoption agencies that will help out.
2. If her doctor knows about the methadone----the baby wil be cloely monitored, in the hospital, at the time of delivery. Therefore, child protective services will likely be following her case. If the baby is taken away---you could be a like;y relative to have temporary custody as a foster parent.
If she should arrive at a hospital that her doctor does not attend----then, you can call the socialservices department of that hospital and tell them about her drug history---and, the methadone.
In any case, along the way---you can always contact child protective services and they will step in and m onitor the whole situation---they can do a better job of that, than you--and, they have more power than you to do soething abofut it, in the interest of the child.
I reaize that this may sound very harsh, to you. i certainly do understand that. But, this is a very, very challenging situation...and, some tough decisions will have to be made. You sound like the most capable adult in the whole situation and the future of the child is, likely, in your hands!
In any case, I suggest that you go into action, now---as there is little time until delivery. First step--I suggest that you start ontacting County Governmentg SocialServices, to get you started.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Hauppauge, NY
Posts: 62
Thank you all for your suggestions. DandyL. I appreciate the suggestions. CPS will definitely be involved in this situation. I am hopeful they will be able to provide the necessary services for the baby when he comes. I am hopeful that my daughter will be able to be a mother to the baby and I will step in if necessary. My fear is the situation with the dad and his family who are not the most stable environment for the baby IMO. Its a very complicated situation and I appreciate all the input. I'll keep you updated! Thanks for all you do on this forum!
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Elissa........it is good if CPS keeps an eye on the baby.....to look for signs of neglect/ bad environment or any kind of abuse. I am glad that you will notify them if you have any indications of the same.
In addition to that----I am suggesting that you go tthe extra mile, aheadof time, to prepare yurself----as, you will need support for yourself!
It is likely that you may end up carrying the major load for the child----so you need to have a lot of support, in that.
You need to have your own counselor---now. That is why I suggest that you get a counselor---a social worker---who understands your situation and can marshall the resources and kinds of practical help that are going to be needed. (every social services department for the County has man, many different programs that can help families that are facing problems).
I really don't think that you can afford to take a "wait and see what happens" kind of approach.
elissa....I am not trying to scare you or be a Negative Nellie. I am fearful, if you don't line up outside support...that you will end up having all three---the mother, father, and baby living in your house and shouldering all of the responsibility
On another note---and, this is my own personal opinion, from experiences that I have seen----I think it would be a big mistake to let the alcoholic father into your house (for living purposes). That would create a triangle that would be destined to not end well.
It is harder to get them out, once you have let them in. Your daughter is more likely to "side with him" and be on his side against you. lol...I have seen his happen, so many times.
I am jus saying.
In addition to that----I am suggesting that you go tthe extra mile, aheadof time, to prepare yurself----as, you will need support for yourself!
It is likely that you may end up carrying the major load for the child----so you need to have a lot of support, in that.
You need to have your own counselor---now. That is why I suggest that you get a counselor---a social worker---who understands your situation and can marshall the resources and kinds of practical help that are going to be needed. (every social services department for the County has man, many different programs that can help families that are facing problems).
I really don't think that you can afford to take a "wait and see what happens" kind of approach.
elissa....I am not trying to scare you or be a Negative Nellie. I am fearful, if you don't line up outside support...that you will end up having all three---the mother, father, and baby living in your house and shouldering all of the responsibility
On another note---and, this is my own personal opinion, from experiences that I have seen----I think it would be a big mistake to let the alcoholic father into your house (for living purposes). That would create a triangle that would be destined to not end well.
It is harder to get them out, once you have let them in. Your daughter is more likely to "side with him" and be on his side against you. lol...I have seen his happen, so many times.
I am jus saying.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
