Brother lives in another country
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2022
Posts: 2
Brother lives in another country
Hi this is the first time writing here. I have in the last 6 months starting talking to my brother on what's app as I live in Australia and he lives in Morraco. It had been years since I last talked to him. He keeps asking for help. He drinks a 1ltr vodka a day or 3 bottles of wine or 8 points in about 5hrs.
His friends send me videos of him drunk.He says he hates drinking but does it because he is bored. The health system is non existing for rehab and counseling. He is starting to self harm himself for attention picking his skin then showing everyone as well and say he doesn't want to live wont see his next birthday.He also says he has not had a shower since November. He is so depressed but when I say are you ready to stop drinking he says not yet. It is really upsetting to see him like this. He wants me to come over and give him a big hug and be his mother. He is constantly asking me to help him and pray for him. I feel he is not quiet there yet for me to go get him but I don't know when. Any thoughts would be appreciated.
His friends send me videos of him drunk.He says he hates drinking but does it because he is bored. The health system is non existing for rehab and counseling. He is starting to self harm himself for attention picking his skin then showing everyone as well and say he doesn't want to live wont see his next birthday.He also says he has not had a shower since November. He is so depressed but when I say are you ready to stop drinking he says not yet. It is really upsetting to see him like this. He wants me to come over and give him a big hug and be his mother. He is constantly asking me to help him and pray for him. I feel he is not quiet there yet for me to go get him but I don't know when. Any thoughts would be appreciated.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hello Bed, Welcome to SR!
It is so hard to see someone who so desperately needs help, but won't take the steps to get it. My stepson used to say similar things. "Everyone says they want to help me but won't do anything!" Well, help to my stepson at that time was: pay for his apartment, pay for his phone, pay for his truck, provide him with spending money, and never, ever talk to him about his drinking or expect him to give it up.
We were not willing to do that.
My stepson is now has brain damage from his drinking. He was found unconscious in the city in which he lived and was brought to the hospital as a John Doe. He now lives in a nursing facility.
Could we have prevented this? If we literally held him prisoner, perhaps. The sad and tragic truth is that it would only have postponed the inevitable for him. That's how determined and self-destructive he had become.
Keep encouraging him to seek help where he is, and prayers are powerful things. When he is really, truly ready for help--you will know. His actions will match his words.
It is so hard to see someone who so desperately needs help, but won't take the steps to get it. My stepson used to say similar things. "Everyone says they want to help me but won't do anything!" Well, help to my stepson at that time was: pay for his apartment, pay for his phone, pay for his truck, provide him with spending money, and never, ever talk to him about his drinking or expect him to give it up.
We were not willing to do that.
My stepson is now has brain damage from his drinking. He was found unconscious in the city in which he lived and was brought to the hospital as a John Doe. He now lives in a nursing facility.
Could we have prevented this? If we literally held him prisoner, perhaps. The sad and tragic truth is that it would only have postponed the inevitable for him. That's how determined and self-destructive he had become.
Keep encouraging him to seek help where he is, and prayers are powerful things. When he is really, truly ready for help--you will know. His actions will match his words.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: uk
Posts: 2,428
Welcome to the forum, Bed, glad you found us. I hope you feel less alone as you read around the board. I think you will see a lot that you relate too.
I am sorry for the very upsetting situation with your brother. Unfortunately there is nothing you can do. Is all up to him. You can't in any way control his actions or choices. I know this is very hard to accept.
When he is actually ready to quit, he will take action. He has told you himself he is not ready to stop.
I am sorry for the very upsetting situation with your brother. Unfortunately there is nothing you can do. Is all up to him. You can't in any way control his actions or choices. I know this is very hard to accept.
When he is actually ready to quit, he will take action. He has told you himself he is not ready to stop.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,019
Welcome Bed, I'm glad you found us.
Most of us wanted to step in and MAKE our qualifier (qualifier is the drinker who qualifies us to be here). If love and effort could stop an alcoholic from drinking, there would be a lot more sober people. Unfortunately, it is only the drinker him/herself who can decide to stop.
I realized with my qualifier that he was probably going to die and my choice was to die with him or not. I chose the "not". It is still one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life.
Let us know how things go with you.
Most of us wanted to step in and MAKE our qualifier (qualifier is the drinker who qualifies us to be here). If love and effort could stop an alcoholic from drinking, there would be a lot more sober people. Unfortunately, it is only the drinker him/herself who can decide to stop.
I realized with my qualifier that he was probably going to die and my choice was to die with him or not. I chose the "not". It is still one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life.
Let us know how things go with you.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,937
Welcome Bed,
I'm so sorry your brother is in the grip of alcoholism. My 3 brothers are all alcoholics, in various stages of either actively drinking, hiding drinking, or recovery. It's really heartbreaking, and I can go to very sad and dark places in my mind if I focus on the misery I imagine in their lives.
It helped me to learn the 3 C's: I didn't Cause it. I can't Control it. I can't Cure it. <----------- Especially that last one.
I had to accept that the help my brothers need is way beyond my scope, it is way beyond my ability to "help" them find recovery. They need the help of other alcoholics who have recovered, people who understand what they are going through.
Alcoholics Anonymous is worldwide, but I don't see any chapters in Morocco - however if he reads English or French they do publish material in French/English/Spanish:
AA Resources
If you are in Australia there are lots of AlAnon meetings - Alanon is like a "live" version of this forum - for friends and family of alcoholics to find information and support. AlAnon really helped me turn my head around and gave me some comfort and some tools on how to still love and support my brothers without supporting their drinking and without damaging my own mental health and letting them disrupt/destroy my life.
Maybe you can find a meeting and check it out? It can help to try a few meetings and find one that you feel is a "good fit" (if you live in a city big enough to have a few choices).
AlAnon in Australia
Glad you found this forum - someone is always awake somewhere in the world to respond when you're feeling lost or lonely or heartsick over your alcoholic family member. There are so many good threads to learn from in this forum. You're not alone!
Peace,
B.
I'm so sorry your brother is in the grip of alcoholism. My 3 brothers are all alcoholics, in various stages of either actively drinking, hiding drinking, or recovery. It's really heartbreaking, and I can go to very sad and dark places in my mind if I focus on the misery I imagine in their lives.
It helped me to learn the 3 C's: I didn't Cause it. I can't Control it. I can't Cure it. <----------- Especially that last one.
I had to accept that the help my brothers need is way beyond my scope, it is way beyond my ability to "help" them find recovery. They need the help of other alcoholics who have recovered, people who understand what they are going through.
Alcoholics Anonymous is worldwide, but I don't see any chapters in Morocco - however if he reads English or French they do publish material in French/English/Spanish:
AA Resources
If you are in Australia there are lots of AlAnon meetings - Alanon is like a "live" version of this forum - for friends and family of alcoholics to find information and support. AlAnon really helped me turn my head around and gave me some comfort and some tools on how to still love and support my brothers without supporting their drinking and without damaging my own mental health and letting them disrupt/destroy my life.
Maybe you can find a meeting and check it out? It can help to try a few meetings and find one that you feel is a "good fit" (if you live in a city big enough to have a few choices).
AlAnon in Australia
Glad you found this forum - someone is always awake somewhere in the world to respond when you're feeling lost or lonely or heartsick over your alcoholic family member. There are so many good threads to learn from in this forum. You're not alone!
Peace,
B.
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