Allycat32

I feel totally gutted . We have been together for over a year and a half. Things just got serious a couple months ago ( or so he said they were, actions didn’t match). I started calling him on it, expecting more respect and time and really actions to match his words. He talked so much about our future and getting married etc. then just dumped me out of the blue for this out for nowhere bc I was upset not seeing him for 2 weeks and all he was doing was booty calling me and that just disrespectful. Then back together we go and I broke down this past weekend bc nothing had changed and it was hurting me. He kept me in a bubble with him and I was sick of it. He told me he was find after the breakdown and made plans with me. He went on a drinking binge and cocaine night the day I left. Then 3 days later breaks up with me blaming it on me saying he lost feelings and didn’t like me enough for a relationship. Said a whole bunch more cruel things . I don’t understand how someone so loving one minute can go to discarding me like trash the next . I don’t understand addiction at all and everyone keeps telling me his constant addiction is making him this way the up downs and all over . I want him back but he sounds done but then a part of me knows I don’t want someone that’s so all over the place back and has so much addiction. He has been like this since he was 16 still parties every weekend and says he doesn’t during the week but who knows . He is now 37 years old. I feel lost and completely gutted from all this . Such a roller coaster

PeacefulWater12

Welcome, Allycat, sorry for the circumstance you are in but glad you found us.

Have a read around this forum, I feel you will see lots you relate too and hopefully it might bring you some comfort. The behaviours you describe are typical for a person with addictions.

Allycat32

thank you

dandylion

Alleycat.....welcome to the forum...and, I am sorry that you are hurting.
Breakups hurt like all hell. Of course, now that it has ended.....it will take you some time to recover from the experience.

Right now, I have a couple of suggestions for you, if you would likr-----
1. Get a copy of "Co-dependent No more" and read it ASAP. It is the most recommended bok on this forum. It is an easy read, and, I think that a lot of it will reallyresonate with you.
2. Go to the section in the "stickies"---just above the main threads. Find the section called "Classic Reading". There, you will find over 100 great articles that pretain to what you are dealing with. Read them. It will be a real Education for you on the effects of addictions.
You need to know this stuff...lol. Knowlege is power and it is the way to protect yourself from thosw who will use you and abuse you.

Alleycat......words can be very cheap.....it is the Actions that count!
Sweet words whispered on the pillow at night can evaporate, the next morning, like dew in the morning sun.

I am glad that you can recoognize how disrespectful he treated you!!

Allycat32

thank you very much !

thequest

Keep in mind alcoholics and addicts become great actors then manipulators. They spend so much time trying to fool people lying/acting becomes second nature. They also lack impulse control which means they're going to do want they want one way or another. They've fooled or lead astray more than one person so don't take it personally. You are now looking at the relationship with non biased eyes now. Learn from that and move on.

Stay healthy and Good Luck

Bekindalways

Welcome Ally and I'm so dang sorry for what brings you hear.

Relationships with addicts are heart breaking and confusing. These people are choosing alcohol and drugs over all else and we can not help them. Trying to maintain a relationship with one is a bit like trying to waltz with someone having an epileptic seizure.

One thing to keep in mind is that he may well come back to you and "love bomb" you. This is common and when we are so heart broken, it is beyond easy to get back together. I sure did this. Ugh.

Let us know how you get on.

Allycat32

thank you ! I keep hearing that this happens and he actually did this in January. I gave him an ultimatum to treat me better and then 2 weeks later …. Bam back like nothing happened

trailmix

Hi Allycat. I'm sorry to say you are well rid of him, you don't need this in your life do you? You really deserve to be treated with kindness and respect, from all people, not even just those you are romantically involved with.

Did you ever dream you would ever have to write something like this? "Cocaine addict and alcoholic broke up with me:?

Here is a thread you might find interesting:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ink-about.html (Being rejected by the reject...another way to think about it.)

Allycat32

And he contacted me . Tonight I received 3 blocked calls with no one on the other end , then he txt me asking if I called him from a blocked number, I said no I received 3, he then said same with him .He then asked if it was someone I told about us trying to hate txt call him, I just told him not a chance . Then he tried to be nice and told me to have good night. I know he fabricated the fake calls and as a way to txt . What is that type of behavior . I was very one word answers to not engage. Is this a ploy with addicts ?

trailmix

No, that's not something specific to addicts at all. That's specific to a man that can't just pick up the phone and call you if he wants to.

trailmix

Also, you know, when people start drinking/drugging very early in life and continue on doing that, they don't really have a chance to mature like other people.

I suspect you find he is immature for 37?

This isn't actually about you, it's about him. He's an addict, he's doing what addicts do - putting drugs before everything else, including you.

I would really recommend reading around the forum here. It's helpful to understand addiction (for you, not for him). You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's).

Seren

It is a gutting pain, I know. And I'm so sorry!
We always want so much to believe what our addicted loved ones are telling us. And as others have already mentioned, actions are the most truthful 'communication' that an alcoholic or addict can make.

Allycat32

yes very immature and extremely manipulative now standing on the outside looking in

i will thank you for the advice

Seren

It may not necessarily be specific to addicts, but it is a 'hook' to keep you on his line. It is something that some addicts and alcoholics use to keep their enablers on the back burner in case they are needed. My addict stepson has used this on various family members over the years.

SadPArtner

Hi Allycat
Please read about narcissism cause you are describing the basic behaviours of Narcissisti Personality disorder in your post