MrPL

Hey everyone,

Starting this thread so it can maybe become something people can read if they are struggling with relapses.

Idea is for people to give simple, straight to the point answers so those who need can identify with something as soon as they spot it.

My answer:

It was caused because I got overconfident about the sober time behind me.

I could have avoided it if I kept vigilant and focused on the day ahead instead.

Radix

Good question! My last relapse was caused by being ambivalent about really stopping. I still wanted to believe some of the lies, rationalizations, and assumptions that my AV was feeding me: that an abstinent life would be unlivable and more painful than the drinking life, that cravings would kill me unless I gratified them, that drinking wasn't a problem right now so I could keep drinking right now without problems.

Once I realized that those weren't truths, but were lies, rationalizations, and faulty assumptions that I told myself for the sole purpose of keeping my drinking behavior going, then quitting became much easier. I could have avoided relapse if I'd challenged these untruths earlier.

Jim1958

Since I had quite a few relapses, I can't say just one thing. The last one was probably work related. Things would get the better of me and I would seek comfort in alcohol. However, it has been a long time since I relapsed. I have had some scares. But so far so good.

Alpine

For me not being vigilant, taking things to personally and then not playing the tape forward of what happens when I do drink. When I get the craving/urge to drink for whatever reason I think of what happens when I do and what all I lose in the process....My time to be productive, my time to enjoy the activities I enjoy, my ability to help those that may need help, my ability think clearly...gosh this list could go on and on.

nez

The idea that I would be able to control and enjoy my drinking.
I could have used rigorous honesty to accept the reality of alcoholism and the fact that I was and am one.

Life without alcohol is not a harsh sentence, quite the opposite, I am finding out. Life with continued drinking would have been a death sentence.

dwtbd

The way I stopped relapsing was to reframe it and consciously, overtly identify it to myself as Me deciding to start drinking again.
Then I decided that I was no longer going to stop , instead I decided to never drink again and to never change my mind about that decision.
I became ‘quat’ , I decided to quit so hard , it needed a nuanced tense , it may sound nuts but paying as much as I was paying in mind, body and soul for more booze was more than nuts really. I’m good with the former version of nuts as opposed to the latter , plus I’m still around to enjoy it.

Get quat and soon you’ll realize ‘relapse’ is an AV term .

nmd

My last few "big" relapses (meaning, after I had a lot of sober time) were on special occasions (birthday & Thanksgiving). I entertained thoughts of moderation and drinking as a reward prior to drinking, so in a sense the relapses were "planned". That plan didn't work out but I'm happily sober now, 2 years and counting.

Obladi

I caused my last relapse.
I walked into a liquor store, puchased a bottle of vodka and drank it + many more.

What spurred me to walk into that store was an emotional crisis that made 'me' vulnerable and put my addiction in charge. Some part of my brain that doesn't communicate with 'me' didn't know what else to do, but had to do something. Hard to explain. But the bottom line is that there are some things that I simply can not try to address/confront without a titanium safety net. So... I won't, for the time being. And if I ever decide to take on my most (apparently) terrifying challenges again, I'll be sure to put some of that titanium into use.

If I ever drink again, I will be the cause once again.

What would have prevented it that last time? I don't know. The only thing I can think of would have been to not drink.
Circular reasoning, of course, but I think it's true?

silentrun

I didn't relapse. I attribute that to me being plugged into my recovery full time for the first three years.

At just over a year sober I got it in my head that I wasn't an alcoholic but just a heavy drinker. I had proved that I could quit (how painful that first year was all of a sudden escaped me). I really started to believe it. Then I logged on here and someone was talking about that very thing and said it was common among addicts. That kind of thing happened frequently.

Free2bme888

I relapsed after 14 months because I confused abstinence with control.

I quit my sober social support SR, when I should stay close, to read, remind, help and learn.

I guess not truly believing that after one drink, I turned into a dark, sneaky, emotional, forgetful, dangerous, selfish, person….,..because one was too many, and 1000 not enough.

I have corrected these things, thank you all!

Chevy123

I'd gone just over 3 months last year without a drop and was feeling fantastic. I'd got back into healthy eating and weight training which I love.
Id fooled myself that a couple of glasses of nice wine with lovely food over Christmas wouldn't hurt and come Jan the 1st I'd get back to my healthy ways.
I didn't stop until May !! .
To add insult to injury that last quit was the first time I experienced excruciating physical symptoms as iv mentioned before.

Hawkeye13

I think it was plain old hubris—the pride before the fall thing—that make me choose to drink after quitting over and over.

I thought like so many other problem drinkers before and with me that somehow this time I could moderate. I had beaten the acute addiction and had magically “reset” my mind and body.

I forgot or muted the terrible memories of “the last time” I drank and fantasized about having 1 flight of beers at the fancy new brewery, or that perfect imported six pack by the lake. Never the tacky high grav tall boy sitting in my dark house.

I confused abstinence with control and thought I had it when all along the booze had me. But not anymore—

I accept and recognize my rationalizations as false, and the simple physical truth my body can never process alcohol safely.

I have worked hard to build recovery and to separate my sobriety from my spouse’s continuing descent into alcoholism as that was one of the most painful triggers in the past. We can’t ever have that six pack together by the lake again—drinking with, at, or because of him and his choices can no longer be an excuse for me to drink.

I treasure each and every day, even moment I have of sobriety now. I truly have learned gratitude and I am better at it as I practice, like most things.

I’ve fought so many battles to get here—always with myself. But what has helped most lately is accepting the AV not as my arch enemy, but as a broken and hurting part of me—my child-self who wants to not hurt, not feel, have fun, and who is integrating slowly into the adult me as I work on healing my mind and body.

dustyfox

Good thread, interesting reading.
My last relapse which was after a year of sobriety was I realise Complacency and lack of acceptance that I could never drink again.
I went on to drink for a further few years, horribly spiralling straight back into old behaviour.
However once again after reaching a low point, I now have a little over a year of sobriety and things are different . I am never complacent and I accept fully that I will not drink again. Better than that. I do NOT WANT to drink again.

ClearPath64

Another nugget of magical SR wisdom. I needed to hear this today. Thank you Hawkeye.

Leshar

Me too. Thank you, Hawkeye.

saoutchik

I did not often manage much more than a week or so sober including the last time I picked up so in some respects calling it a relapse would be giving it more credit than it deserves however, to answer the question - what caused me to drink was giving in to the craving to drink. What made me not do that seven and a half years ago was avoiding the craving by doing something - walking, restoring an old car, speaking to someone on the phone, anything to distract the AV.

One other thing, the cravings only bad in the evenings so I used to get up at zero dark thirty for about 6 months in order to be tired enough to be in bed by 9.30 and dodge craving time that way.

It was an analogue method, not very clever or psychological but effective because I really didn't think I could quit.

Oglsby

For me, relapses were based on the assumption that after periods of abstinence (not the same as recovery) that I could drink in moderation. I was wrong, every time....

fantail

I was not doing recovery the right way for me. I won't go into detail on that, because my not-right way can be the right way for lots of other folks! But it's important to have a sober life that makes you feel good, and valued, and able to live comfortably with yourself. Because for me it became, either I am an alcoholic and I have to live in this way which makes me unhappy... or perhaps it was all a mistake and non of this is real, I can drink normally, and not have to be stuck in this pattern.

Turns out it was not a mistake, the addiction is real, but I can be sober in whichever way I want to be. I've done it differently this time and I really love my sober life, which I no longer define in relation to alcoholism.

fishkiller

I never had what I would call a relapse. Many a day I swore I'd never drink again only to stop at the store on the way home. Did this for 30 years.

What keeps me from relapsing is reading all these stories from those who have.
Puts the fear of God in me.

I did quit for 3 weeks after Thanksgiving 2019. It was so I could break the daily cycle and eventually moderate my drinking.
I was to have no alcohol until Christmas Day. Then none until New Years Eve. Then none until the next big event or party. Which would be months away.
I started drinking Christmas Eve and did not stop until January 16th.

Well that didnt go well. It's all or nothing for me too. I choose nothing as far as alcohol goes.

Thanks for posting all your stories. It helps more than yall know.

Colin1

I've been thinking about this a lot lately. I've relapsed many times over the years, my last one was about five years ago after 1 1/2 years AF.

I think my issue was that I didn't really want to stop drinking. I knew I should, I knew I was causing health issues that would get worse if I didn't, I knew I was spending too much money and wasting too much time on it, etc. But the root cause was ultimately I didn't truly want to give it up. I was doing what I thought I should do, not what I actually wanted to do. In psychology it's referred to as cognitive dissonance and it's not good