Scared Mom Needing Support
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2022
Posts: 5
Scared Mom Needing Support
New to forum but not addiction. It runs in my family and I’m familiar with AA and 12 step programs. I’m 40. Mother of 3 grown kids. Have dealt with my own issues with anxiety and depression. But, I’ve recently been knocked down.
My AS20 called Monday night to tell his father and I that he is addicted to alcohol and Percocet. He said he wanted help. He was so honest and asked if we could help him.
Needless to say we were stunned. We knew he drank some and smoked pot sometimes but were not aware of how bad the situation was. We of course said we’d help, find meetings, go with him til he was comfortable on his own. We loved him and were proud of him for reaching out. Admitting he had a problem. But now, I’m spinning.
He was supposed to come over last night for dinner but was too tired and asked to reschedule. He works as a landscaper so I understand him being tired. But I had ALL this information I had found for him. We were supposed to talk.
I texted him some of the info and gave him a link to a 24 hour AA meeting group online but he never responded.
I don’t know what to do. I’m so afraid. I’m afraid of how ugly this situation is gonna get. He’s had issues in the past but has grown a lot…still has anger issues and will cut off communication when he doesn’t want our opinion.
I’m having so much trouble stopping the worry. We have already cut off giving him money because he wouldn’t/couldn’t keep a job. We’re trying very hard not to be enablers. But the constant fear is driving me a bit batty.
I don’t even know where to start in supporting myself through this. I’m not sure what all I should be doing to support my son. I feel scared to move! I made the mistake of asking other moms for support and all I got was — AA/NA doesn’t work! He needs rehab! — just scarier versions of what I was already thinking. So I’m trying to mentally erase that negativity and find more knowledgeable people, answers and support.
Thank you
Rosie
My AS20 called Monday night to tell his father and I that he is addicted to alcohol and Percocet. He said he wanted help. He was so honest and asked if we could help him.
Needless to say we were stunned. We knew he drank some and smoked pot sometimes but were not aware of how bad the situation was. We of course said we’d help, find meetings, go with him til he was comfortable on his own. We loved him and were proud of him for reaching out. Admitting he had a problem. But now, I’m spinning.
He was supposed to come over last night for dinner but was too tired and asked to reschedule. He works as a landscaper so I understand him being tired. But I had ALL this information I had found for him. We were supposed to talk.
I texted him some of the info and gave him a link to a 24 hour AA meeting group online but he never responded.
I don’t know what to do. I’m so afraid. I’m afraid of how ugly this situation is gonna get. He’s had issues in the past but has grown a lot…still has anger issues and will cut off communication when he doesn’t want our opinion.
I’m having so much trouble stopping the worry. We have already cut off giving him money because he wouldn’t/couldn’t keep a job. We’re trying very hard not to be enablers. But the constant fear is driving me a bit batty.
I don’t even know where to start in supporting myself through this. I’m not sure what all I should be doing to support my son. I feel scared to move! I made the mistake of asking other moms for support and all I got was — AA/NA doesn’t work! He needs rehab! — just scarier versions of what I was already thinking. So I’m trying to mentally erase that negativity and find more knowledgeable people, answers and support.
Thank you
Rosie
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,582
Welcome, and I'm sorry of your situation with your son. There is not a lot you can do for your son unless and until he decides to take action to deal with his addictions. There are many things a person can do to help with addiction. AA does work if you are motivated. Do-it-yourself and other methods also work, if you are motivated. Rehab is not perfect and has no guarantees, but again, if you are motivated, then rehab can help.
Not giving money to your son is a very good plan. I'd suggest that you read 'Codependent No More' by Melody Beattie. Also, you can find support for yourself in your community at AlAnon. And, of course, coming here to SR will be helpful and we will always offer support.
Not giving money to your son is a very good plan. I'd suggest that you read 'Codependent No More' by Melody Beattie. Also, you can find support for yourself in your community at AlAnon. And, of course, coming here to SR will be helpful and we will always offer support.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,982
Welcome to SR, Rosie. I am so sorry to hear of your struggle. You will find massive support here for you.
While it's good he called and asked for help, it is really up to him whether or not to follow through. I understand your eagerness to help him because he is your son and you love him. You say you have gathered a lot of information for him, which I'm sure makes you feel like you are at least doing something. Unfortunately, about all you can do after passing that information on to him, is wait to see what he does with it.
As far as people telling you that AA/NA doesn't work...they are wrong. Both AA and NA have helped millions of addicts turn their lives around. The caveat is that the addict has to be willing to do whatever is necessary to help themselves. Yes, sometimes that requires rehab, but rehab isn't a magic pill. It too requires that the addict be willing to do whatever is necessary to help themselves. There are addicts that have been to multiple rehabs, but return to drinking/using once they are out. What it all boils down to is that the addict themself has to want recovery more than anything. No program is going to help someone if they don't truly want to stay clean and sober.
Again, welcome to SR. I hope you will read around the forums. You will find that you are not alone. We have a wonderful Friends and Family forum you might find especially helpful.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/
You and your husband also might want to check out Alanon for yourselves. There you will find family members of addicts/alcoholics who are learning how to deal with addiction.
While it's good he called and asked for help, it is really up to him whether or not to follow through. I understand your eagerness to help him because he is your son and you love him. You say you have gathered a lot of information for him, which I'm sure makes you feel like you are at least doing something. Unfortunately, about all you can do after passing that information on to him, is wait to see what he does with it.
As far as people telling you that AA/NA doesn't work...they are wrong. Both AA and NA have helped millions of addicts turn their lives around. The caveat is that the addict has to be willing to do whatever is necessary to help themselves. Yes, sometimes that requires rehab, but rehab isn't a magic pill. It too requires that the addict be willing to do whatever is necessary to help themselves. There are addicts that have been to multiple rehabs, but return to drinking/using once they are out. What it all boils down to is that the addict themself has to want recovery more than anything. No program is going to help someone if they don't truly want to stay clean and sober.
Again, welcome to SR. I hope you will read around the forums. You will find that you are not alone. We have a wonderful Friends and Family forum you might find especially helpful.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/
You and your husband also might want to check out Alanon for yourselves. There you will find family members of addicts/alcoholics who are learning how to deal with addiction.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2022
Posts: 5
I am very excited to have someone to talk to. I hate that other people have gone through this, but I’m grateful not to be alone.
Last edited by rosemarycharles; 06-08-2022 at 03:07 PM. Reason: It posted twice. Still getting used to the site. Sorry
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