Gru

Hi all. It's been awhile. Nine months since I broke up with my ABF. He still lives with me. I told him he could stay for as long as he wanted because the housing market is so bad and he wants to buy a house. I think I have to tell him to move out though. I have constant anxiety. About the drinking and the day after hangover attitude. I've lived with it for so long that I didn't think about it most of the time. I recently made contact with an old high school friend and have started opening up about my feelings and my situation. Having to hold up a mirror, to answer questions honestly like "are you happy?", has forced me to confront how uncomfortable I actually am.
I also told my friend about my ABF slapping me one time. And that was embarrassing to say. And that I still think about it. The shame of getting back together with someone who did that to me is hard. Among other disrespectful things. I don't know what is worse, that shame or the fact that I'm living with this level of chaos still.
Thanks for listening. I think I have to have a difficult conversation .

Sueby

I hope it goes well and that you cut yourself some slack. It’s hard to leave and to stay away, we’ve all been there at one time or another. My latest realization is my exAH would’ve dropped me quick if I’d been the alcoholic in our relationship, and not thought twice about it!

Gru

Thanks Sueby. Trying to psyche myself up. Good to remember kindness has not been abundant in my relationship either..

trailmix

Hi Gru. Well I'm sorry to hear he is still at your place but I'm glad to see you post.

You wrote this almost exactly a year ago (mid-June):

So how has that year been? As you mention, you are still walking on pins and needles with this unwanted "guest" in your house.

Nobody likes confrontation much, truly. But with the choice between sucking it up and watching him lounge around your house and having that talk - the talk will actually be easier.

He's trying to save up for a house, ok, well that's his thing, nothing to do with you. Has he been treating you with respect and kindness, going out of his way to make sure he isn't getting on your nerves (cleaning, paying rent on time, sharing time in shared spaces). Refraining from drinking in your place?

Somehow I doubt it.

Regardless, I think you don't realize how much better off you would be without him there. You can't even really move on (if you do want a good relationship with someone else eventually) until he leaves.

Imagine going home next week and he's not there. Not sitting on the sofa cracking open the 7th beer, not hovering over a video game. You walking in to peace and quiet, you doing whatever you would like to do, maybe inviting a friend over for dinner! Getting an early night, making yourself (or ordering) a really nice dinner.

What's holding you back?

PeacefulWater12

I love love love love not having an alcoholic in my home.

The stink, the stress, the tension, the eggshells, the chaos. All gone.

I go out and come home and breathe in the pure peace, calm, quiet, clean orderly home I have.

And, most importantly which I didn't realise until he was gone, the drain on my self esteem! The lack of self respect it caused me. I could not work properly on my own issues of codependency and healing my childhood trauma until I lived on my own. You need the space and calm to dig deep to work on changing why you are attracted to an alcoholic/addict/narc in the first place. Once healed you can then move on to a healthy life making healthy choices.

Boot his arse out.

PeacefulWater12

Yep!! Ugly truth bomb! They will drop us in a heartbeat if someone they think is more useful to them or suits their lifestyle better comes along!

We need to look at why we give never ending loyalty to people who do not deserve it.

Gru

I got up at 3am. Cleaned and packed. Left. I can't take one more day of pretending this is ok.

"Hi. I can't take this anymore. Living together- your drinking. You need help and I need this to be over. I'll leave the house for a couple days to give you space. I want you to get your stuff in a storage unit until you can find your own place. Which should be no later than the end of the month. I'm sure you'll want to leave well before that. I'll start applying for different shifts. I bear you no ill will but this is not working for me. *

Canadian Koala

Clean cuts are much easier to manage.
Courage Gru.

Gru

Thank you thank you.
Yes. A clean cut. I wanted to be friends, to take the path of least resistance, to gently nudge the baby bird until he could fly. But he's not a bird and I am so ready to fly.

No response yet. Maybe he's hungover? Processing? Hopefully wheels are turning. This is the only way forward.

I can't wait to have my space. To make art. To make music. To invite friends over! Omg. To have a clean space. To not be ashamed. To be true to myself. I want to learn how to speak the truth and not betray myself again.

Gru

I kind of want to talk to his ex wife. We are friendly. She's the only other person who really knows the whole truth. Her story is different than mine but intersects. I will wait and let that idea simmer. I think I've taken enough action for a day. And have more work to do yet to get him out.

dandylion

Gru......good for you on getting enough confidence to take your own self respect back! That is a tremendous step.
This is, also, a time of great opportunity for you----as, a time of crisis is, often, when the greatest life lessons are learned. Who knew??
These are the lessons that are learned in the :School of Experience"----the best and most rigorous school of all. lol.

I sugest that this is a wonderful time to turn your attention inward, on yourself. Spend time getting to understand yourself---doing a lot of self-examination---and, learning more about yourself---your needs, and the way you wan your life to be----your personality and the way yu operate, in the world.
Put yourself, without the complications and pitfalls of another commited relationship.
Some time for only yourself----I gurantee that it would be the best investment that you will ever make!

Gru

Very wise. Very true. Looking forward to it.

Gru

Thank you Dandylion, for all your wisdom, vision, experience, and way with words. I feel lucky as a recipient of all you've given.

trailmix

Well done Gru, taking action feels good doesn't it? I know he may not go easily, but go he must.

I'm looking forward to hearing your updates on your new found freedom!

Hawkeye13

Well done!
Your space without him sounds like a wonderful creative place to be

How much time are you going to give him before checking to see if he is actually moving?
I realize stepping away and giving room is thoughtful, but he may take advantage of your kindness yet again.

I’m not trying to be negative Nancy, but what you would do in his place may be very different than what he will actually do.

Gru

Ya..you're right. I'm hoping he's packing stuff but he could be just be drinking and playing guitar on the porch. I guess if nothing has happened when I go back Friday I will bring my stepdad over as talking reinforcement. And then if nothing, embarrass him into it by telling his daughters? And then if no, get a constable at months end.
But he'll be gone. He was there because I don't make waves. As soon as I make waves, he's out.

So sad I didn't make waves. I worked so hard to get along-to the detriment of all..so dishonest. Blergh.

Hawkeye13

If that’s his legal address, he may have a right to stay unless you get an eviction order— that can take time. Have you checked on any of that?

trailmix

Anyone who will slap you once, will hit you again. Now he may have his rage under control (somehow I doubt that) but personally I would bring in your stepdad and then a constable if needed and leave the daughters out of it (for your own safety only). I mean I don't personally think shaming him in to leaving is a bad thing, just be sure you look out for yourself.

Gru

Noted. That makes sense. Thank you.

Gru

Had a talk with the exABF. He got a storage unit and is moving stuff as I write this. He has appointments with a mortgage broker and realtor to look at places. He said he needed that fire lit under his ass. But also he might need longer than end of the month. I agreed that would be fine. My friend said to hold fast the line and anything less is continued abuse. I don't want to cause conflict if he's going to be out soon anyway. Is that naive?