timj120

Ironically, what I figured out is that I need to stop trying to figure things out, ha! Human beings are wired to find solutions to problems and that is so ingrained in us, it's what we do.

But the two threads that hit me like an anvil were "The In-Between Place" and "The Empty Place"

We don't need to figure things out RIGHT NOW, it's okay to not have an answer, a solution, or even an idea of what that solution might be. We can live in this place of not knowing for awhile. We don't need to rush into anything simply because it could be "A" solution. Doing so may cause even more harm because it's not "THE" solution.

My marriage is in trouble, it doesn't need immediate solutions and really there aren't any. It's okay that my AW and I are co-existing right now and only engaging transactionally. Right now? That IS the solution that is the best path forward, because there is some peace in that. We don't need to have talks everynight to discuss what's going on, I don't need to be constantly thinking about it.

I'm going to live in the in-between and the empty space to allow some room to breathe. Eventually, there will be a solution, but I'm not going to work myself into knots desperately trying to find it right now because if FEELS like it needs to be solved.

I'm basically rehashing both those posts in a much less eloquent and articulate way!

trailmix

In-between can sometimes be uncomfortable but it can also be an ok place to reflect and recharge to make the next right step. As long as it doesn't become a place of procrastination. Once you make a decision - a plan to move forward, the rest will follow naturally (paraphrasing oprah there). Some things you may like, some you may not, no decision will be perfect.

Actually that's also a good saying that is used here - just doing the "next right thing". Moving forward but it doesn't have to be at lightning speed and it just has to be right for you (and your kiddies of course in this case).

You may not feel brave enough to take the next right step, you may feel your courage is flagging. It will be there when you need it, trust yourself.

ToughChoices

This is wise.

Accept that the present is unacceptable in the long-term, but manageable in the moment.

When/if that changes, change course.

I sent my XAH to rehab, haggled with insurance about rehab, begged him to stay in rehab, forced him to move out when he relapsed post-rehab, asked him to move back when he started legit recovery efforts, fought/screamed/cried/begged when he relapsed again and again, then moved out, filed for divorce, and finished my relationship with him on an emotional level.

That took about 2 years. I frequently felt like I was “supposed” to be doing more, but it takes time to develop those emotional muscles. You are “working out” 🏋️‍♀️ right now!

trailmix

ToughChoices is so right that you are "working out" right now.

Remember writing this just a month ago?

Look at how far you have come. While you might be sitting in the same room as you were when you wrote that a month ago and while it may seem like you haven't progressed in sorting things out, you actually have. Remember thinking about writing out what you wanted to say and then deciding against that?

These things are you making progress toward sorting all this out. Your solution will come to you. You may not be ready right now for what maybe be the best solution, but the house isn't (literally) on fire. Sometimes when we take a break from forcing ourselves to figure out a situation our passive thoughts help us do that.

timj120

Thanks, I was thinking something similar the other day. After our big blowup, I wrote down some of the things she said to me and was going to tell her how they hurt me. Then after a day or 2, I realized that would accomplish nothing other than to drag us down further. It wouldn't have opened her eyes to see the light, she would've simply thrown back at me what I said to her and round and round we'd go again. When I first wrote it, in my head it was sincere, eloquent, articulate. On reflection, it was nothing...it was good for ME to WRITE it, but also good for me to not actually say it.

I agree, that's growth and I'm pretty proud of myself.