I can't understand this.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2022
Location: New England
Posts: 83
I can't understand this.
I'll start with a brief back story.
In 2013/14 my husband had cheated on me with someone he worked with. (not related but even before his drinking was a problem, he had cheated on me a couple of times) I had ended up having an affair (I know, I have no excuse, though it only happened the one time and I've never done anything like that again in my life). Eventually we ended up in marriage counseling but the whole time we were in marriage counseling he was still talking to this woman. I mean even in the waiting room, he was talking to her.
He did end up coming back and stopped talking to her eventually.
In 2015, when he relapsed after being sober for about 5 months, he was trying to contact this woman. I did end up leaving him, but seven months later he followed the kids and I and came back (which I have since learned that my two oldest children were very upset about it - wish they had told me back then). As far as I know he was never able to get ahold of her.
Last winter she randomly sent him a friend request on FB, which he immediately told me about and I had told him he needs to choose because I will not compete with another woman. He blocked her on FB.
He has since relapsed again (as you know) back in October... walked out on me and the kids in March. And this weekend I found out, of course he is back with this woman.
One: I don't understand why he kept coming back if he wanted to be with her. Why not just stay with her in 2014? Why put me and the kids through everything he put us through. Then when I left, why follow us? Why not just keep trying to find her? He put the kids and I through so much at that time, too.
Two: My daughter (22) found out that she robbed two gas stations at gun point, I think in 2017. Then in 2019, my daughter found a case where a dental office took her to court, which is weird and it can't be about money because those usually just go to collections.
Why on earth would you want to be with someone like that? So you're not speaking to your kids, you're not using soberlink like the judge ordered, (which the judge said is the only way he can see the kids), and you're spending your days talking with this woman? You walked out on 16 years, 4 kids, a house, a dog, a family life. For a woman who robs gas stations at gun point.... why? That is not an upgrade.
I don't understand. I do admit I was hurt when I found out he was back with her. She lives in another state and I doubt they have seen each other but I do know they are talking and stuff- I know they are "together". She also has two kids of her own - which at one point there was a question whether they were his or not (twins).
I don't ever want my children near her, assuming he ever gets sober and is allowed to see the kids, also assuming the kids ever forgive him and want to see him. I know that's a stretch, but on the off chance that happens, I do not want this woman near my kids. And this isn't me being petty, (I mean I can be pretty petty, I've made some tik toks), but this is me genuinely not wanting a bad person near my kids.
The whole thing is gross. I am so disgusted. I can't understand it. I don't understand his poor choices. I don't understand how you live your life like this. I don't understand how you can stand not to see your kids, not to speak with them.
In 2013/14 my husband had cheated on me with someone he worked with. (not related but even before his drinking was a problem, he had cheated on me a couple of times) I had ended up having an affair (I know, I have no excuse, though it only happened the one time and I've never done anything like that again in my life). Eventually we ended up in marriage counseling but the whole time we were in marriage counseling he was still talking to this woman. I mean even in the waiting room, he was talking to her.
He did end up coming back and stopped talking to her eventually.
In 2015, when he relapsed after being sober for about 5 months, he was trying to contact this woman. I did end up leaving him, but seven months later he followed the kids and I and came back (which I have since learned that my two oldest children were very upset about it - wish they had told me back then). As far as I know he was never able to get ahold of her.
Last winter she randomly sent him a friend request on FB, which he immediately told me about and I had told him he needs to choose because I will not compete with another woman. He blocked her on FB.
He has since relapsed again (as you know) back in October... walked out on me and the kids in March. And this weekend I found out, of course he is back with this woman.
One: I don't understand why he kept coming back if he wanted to be with her. Why not just stay with her in 2014? Why put me and the kids through everything he put us through. Then when I left, why follow us? Why not just keep trying to find her? He put the kids and I through so much at that time, too.
Two: My daughter (22) found out that she robbed two gas stations at gun point, I think in 2017. Then in 2019, my daughter found a case where a dental office took her to court, which is weird and it can't be about money because those usually just go to collections.
Why on earth would you want to be with someone like that? So you're not speaking to your kids, you're not using soberlink like the judge ordered, (which the judge said is the only way he can see the kids), and you're spending your days talking with this woman? You walked out on 16 years, 4 kids, a house, a dog, a family life. For a woman who robs gas stations at gun point.... why? That is not an upgrade.
I don't understand. I do admit I was hurt when I found out he was back with her. She lives in another state and I doubt they have seen each other but I do know they are talking and stuff- I know they are "together". She also has two kids of her own - which at one point there was a question whether they were his or not (twins).
I don't ever want my children near her, assuming he ever gets sober and is allowed to see the kids, also assuming the kids ever forgive him and want to see him. I know that's a stretch, but on the off chance that happens, I do not want this woman near my kids. And this isn't me being petty, (I mean I can be pretty petty, I've made some tik toks), but this is me genuinely not wanting a bad person near my kids.
The whole thing is gross. I am so disgusted. I can't understand it. I don't understand his poor choices. I don't understand how you live your life like this. I don't understand how you can stand not to see your kids, not to speak with them.
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
I am so sorry to read this, and so sorry for you and your childrens' pain.
I have seen this before. The cheating husband stays because his wife provides a comfortable home environment and does his laundry. While I don't know if this is true in your husband's case, the possibility exists.
I have seen cheating women who liked bad boys. The seedier and rougher the guy, the more turned on the woman got. Maybe your husband likes "bad girls."
I have seen this before. The cheating husband stays because his wife provides a comfortable home environment and does his laundry. While I don't know if this is true in your husband's case, the possibility exists.
I have seen cheating women who liked bad boys. The seedier and rougher the guy, the more turned on the woman got. Maybe your husband likes "bad girls."
Yield beautiful changes
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: A home filled with love
Posts: 1,699
Sometimes folks are so dissatisfied with themselves that no amount of change (jobs, location, relationships, etc…) can bring satisfaction. So they live in discomfort until they make peace with themselves.
Active alcoholics and addicts are notoriously chasing feelings that they used to experience (first drink, early drug use, the heady days early in a relationship), instead of searching for new paths. So circling the drain with this woman does not sound surprising.
You require change and growth. She is willing to accept his lying, using, cheating current state.
He likely wants (in certain moments) to be a better man and strike out on the path to home, family, you…..He probably wants (in certain moments) to stop drinking.
It just sounds as though he is unable/unwilling to keep that up. So he cycles back to “Old Faithful” dental felon.
It’s good to take yourself out of that loop 🔁
Take care!
-TC
Active alcoholics and addicts are notoriously chasing feelings that they used to experience (first drink, early drug use, the heady days early in a relationship), instead of searching for new paths. So circling the drain with this woman does not sound surprising.
You require change and growth. She is willing to accept his lying, using, cheating current state.
He likely wants (in certain moments) to be a better man and strike out on the path to home, family, you…..He probably wants (in certain moments) to stop drinking.
It just sounds as though he is unable/unwilling to keep that up. So he cycles back to “Old Faithful” dental felon.
It’s good to take yourself out of that loop 🔁
Take care!
-TC
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2022
Location: New England
Posts: 83
Originally Posted by ToughChoices 
Sometimes folks are so dissatisfied with themselves that no amount of change (jobs, location, relationships, etc…) can bring satisfaction. So they live in discomfort until they make peace with themselves.
Active alcoholics and addicts are notoriously chasing feelings that they used to experience (first drink, early drug use, the heady days early in a relationship), instead of searching for new paths. So circling the drain with this woman does not sound surprising.
You require change and growth. She is willing to accept his lying, using, cheating current state.
He likely wants (in certain moments) to be a better man and strike out on the path to home, family, you…..He probably wants (in certain moments) to stop drinking.
It just sounds as though he is unable/unwilling to keep that up. So he cycles back to “Old Faithful” dental felon.
It’s good to take yourself out of that loop 🔁
Take care!
-TC
Active alcoholics and addicts are notoriously chasing feelings that they used to experience (first drink, early drug use, the heady days early in a relationship), instead of searching for new paths. So circling the drain with this woman does not sound surprising.
You require change and growth. She is willing to accept his lying, using, cheating current state.
He likely wants (in certain moments) to be a better man and strike out on the path to home, family, you…..He probably wants (in certain moments) to stop drinking.
It just sounds as though he is unable/unwilling to keep that up. So he cycles back to “Old Faithful” dental felon.
It’s good to take yourself out of that loop 🔁
Take care!
-TC
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
firecricket.....I have a few ideas, among the many kinds of possibilities, of course.....
1. ToughChoices idea is a really good one, I think----chasing feelings that he used to experience.
2. Tied closely to number 1-----emotional immaturity and ALL that goes with immaturity...like, lack of basic responsibility, for instance......
3. Poor boundaries.....questionable (to us) boundaries.....like willingness to hang with gun-toting and thieving lovers (by the way--dental offices often are targets for theft (presence of narcotics, cash money and expensive equipment).
4.Damage, by alcohol, to the frontal lobe of the brain. The frontal lobe is called the "executive function" area. The area for judgement. ***google "frontal lobe of brain functions"...and you will see how alcohol use messes with the brain. He may have been a cheater type from his adolescence, but alcohol use certainly doesn't help!!
5.Maybe, she wasn't on his case about his drinking or nagging him about anything----and, you (possibly), did? Aloholics hate it when anyone tries to curtail their drinking, you know
6. There can be a hormonal high--a certain buzz---of connecting with a "forbidden", clandestine lover. Each new reunion is like another "hit". The old wife, at home, doesn't give that kind of hit, by mopping kitchen floors and cleaning the oven. This hormonal high is a big reason for the common "rehab romance".
7. Possibility of poor role modeling for marriage, from his own childhood.
8. Perhaps this could be a part of his psychological development----he might be of the "Approach/Avoidence" ---when it comes to intimate relationships.
9.****IF paternity is in question for her twins---or, if it is actually true----that could explain a lot of the ongoing connection between them****
Firecricket-----these are a few possibilities, that come to mind. Of course, there could be many others----and/or it might be a combination of several motivations...
Nobody ever can know all that goes on in another person's mind and psyche. To try to understand all of another person's mind is a "fools errand".
All of the King's Horses and all of the King's Men are unable to do it.
There are times that it has to be enough to realize----"this person is/was poor husband/father material. He hurt me and was damaging to me. I got a crappy deal, in the overall It was a mistake for me to attach my wagon to his star".
I think that your best path to emotional and mental peace would be to gain more understand ing of YOURSELF. Not that your husband's actions are your fault---they are not!!!
But, to have a better knowledge of your self and your own needs----and, of course, self-examination. We must all do lots of self-examination throughout life.
To make different choices in the future, we must understand and learn out choices and decisions from the past.
I think that alanon and a good therapist and continued learning and studying would be the best course, for you.
1. ToughChoices idea is a really good one, I think----chasing feelings that he used to experience.
2. Tied closely to number 1-----emotional immaturity and ALL that goes with immaturity...like, lack of basic responsibility, for instance......
3. Poor boundaries.....questionable (to us) boundaries.....like willingness to hang with gun-toting and thieving lovers (by the way--dental offices often are targets for theft (presence of narcotics, cash money and expensive equipment).
4.Damage, by alcohol, to the frontal lobe of the brain. The frontal lobe is called the "executive function" area. The area for judgement. ***google "frontal lobe of brain functions"...and you will see how alcohol use messes with the brain. He may have been a cheater type from his adolescence, but alcohol use certainly doesn't help!!
5.Maybe, she wasn't on his case about his drinking or nagging him about anything----and, you (possibly), did? Aloholics hate it when anyone tries to curtail their drinking, you know
6. There can be a hormonal high--a certain buzz---of connecting with a "forbidden", clandestine lover. Each new reunion is like another "hit". The old wife, at home, doesn't give that kind of hit, by mopping kitchen floors and cleaning the oven. This hormonal high is a big reason for the common "rehab romance".
7. Possibility of poor role modeling for marriage, from his own childhood.
8. Perhaps this could be a part of his psychological development----he might be of the "Approach/Avoidence" ---when it comes to intimate relationships.
9.****IF paternity is in question for her twins---or, if it is actually true----that could explain a lot of the ongoing connection between them****
Firecricket-----these are a few possibilities, that come to mind. Of course, there could be many others----and/or it might be a combination of several motivations...
Nobody ever can know all that goes on in another person's mind and psyche. To try to understand all of another person's mind is a "fools errand".
All of the King's Horses and all of the King's Men are unable to do it.
There are times that it has to be enough to realize----"this person is/was poor husband/father material. He hurt me and was damaging to me. I got a crappy deal, in the overall It was a mistake for me to attach my wagon to his star".
I think that your best path to emotional and mental peace would be to gain more understand ing of YOURSELF. Not that your husband's actions are your fault---they are not!!!
But, to have a better knowledge of your self and your own needs----and, of course, self-examination. We must all do lots of self-examination throughout life.
To make different choices in the future, we must understand and learn out choices and decisions from the past.
I think that alanon and a good therapist and continued learning and studying would be the best course, for you.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
FireCricket----pursuant to my last post, to you------so, what if you DID understand your husbands's actions and his mind (which is impossible)....but, hypothetically, just say that you DID----what, specifically , would you do about it? What would it do for you?
Can you answer this question specifically?.......How would it make you feel better?
For example---would it let you feel like it wasn't your fault? Would it relieve some of your personal guilt?
Would it make you stop wondering if you were "good enough" ?
Can you elaborate on this?
Can you answer this question specifically?.......How would it make you feel better?
For example---would it let you feel like it wasn't your fault? Would it relieve some of your personal guilt?
Would it make you stop wondering if you were "good enough" ?
Can you elaborate on this?
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,653
Originally Posted by firecricket
Thank you for the insight. I know I shouldn't try to understand any of it and should just accept it, but I can't help it, I feel a need to try to understand.
So your husband has a solid history of cheating and now he has flown the household for more cheating.
In 2015, when he relapsed after being sober for about 5 months, he was trying to contact this woman. I did end up leaving him, but seven months later he followed the kids and I and came back (which I have since learned that my two oldest children were very upset about it - wish they had told me back then). As far as I know he was never able to get ahold of her.
As for your children, they were probably thinking you were doing what you thought was best for you. Looking out for you (which I hope you are now).
One: I don't understand why he kept coming back if he wanted to be with her. Why not just stay with her in 2014? Why put me and the kids through everything he put us through. Then when I left, why follow us? Why not just keep trying to find her? He put the kids and I through so much at that time, too.
You are also assuming she didn't throw him out in 2014.
Why on earth would you want to be with someone like that? So you're not speaking to your kids, you're not using soberlink like the judge ordered, (which the judge said is the only way he can see the kids), and you're spending your days talking with this woman? You walked out on 16 years, 4 kids, a house, a dog, a family life. For a woman who robs gas stations at gun point.... why? That is not an upgrade.
The whole thing is gross. I am so disgusted. I can't understand it. I don't understand his poor choices. I don't understand how you live your life like this. I don't understand how you can stand not to see your kids, not to speak with them.
This story, of the Husband abandoning the family for another woman and drink, or just drink, is very common here. People always want to know why, why would you leave this beautiful family? I think as Toughchoices mentioned, many times it's just that. An alcoholic (or any dysfunctional person) may WANT a family and job and car and savings account and all the other "good" things, but, ultimately, they are unable to maintain that lifestyle, it's hard enough for non addicts, something has to give and in many cases that's the responsibilities - not the alcohol.
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Join Date: Sep 2018
Posts: 436
Firecricket people who drink problematically like your husband does , often have low self esteem. Consider the possibility that every time he looks at you he sees himself as a failure of a husband and a poor father.
everytime he looks at other woman he might think I might be bad but at least I'm not as bad as her. At least I never got into armed robbery.
I noticed as my ex husband's condition worsened how he started to hang around with people he had claimed not to like a couple of years previously. Actual scum bags. Was he hanging out with them because he liked them all of a sudden? Or because he looked good compared to them? I don't know.
An alcoholic 's brain is a maze. I wouldn't bother trying to work it out. Maybe new woman isn't an upgrade at all but a down grade so he can feel better than.
you are not worse than/better than other woman. You're just different. You and your husband are on different paths. He probably doesn't understand you either!!
everytime he looks at other woman he might think I might be bad but at least I'm not as bad as her. At least I never got into armed robbery.
I noticed as my ex husband's condition worsened how he started to hang around with people he had claimed not to like a couple of years previously. Actual scum bags. Was he hanging out with them because he liked them all of a sudden? Or because he looked good compared to them? I don't know.
An alcoholic 's brain is a maze. I wouldn't bother trying to work it out. Maybe new woman isn't an upgrade at all but a down grade so he can feel better than.
you are not worse than/better than other woman. You're just different. You and your husband are on different paths. He probably doesn't understand you either!!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2018
Posts: 436
Firecricket people who drink problematically like your husband does , often have low self esteem. Consider the possibility that every time he looks at you he sees himself as a failure of a husband and a poor father.
everytime he looks at other woman he might think I might be bad but at least I'm not as bad as her. At least I never got into armed robbery.
I noticed as my ex husband's condition worsened how he started to hang around with people he had claimed not to like a couple of years previously. Actual scum bags. Was he hanging out with them because he liked them all of a sudden? Or because he looked good compared to them? I don't know.
An alcoholic 's brain is a maze. I wouldn't bother trying to work it out. Maybe new woman isn't an upgrade at all but a down grade so he can feel better than.
you are not worse than/better than other woman. You're just different. You and your husband are on different paths. He probably doesn't understand you either!!
everytime he looks at other woman he might think I might be bad but at least I'm not as bad as her. At least I never got into armed robbery.
I noticed as my ex husband's condition worsened how he started to hang around with people he had claimed not to like a couple of years previously. Actual scum bags. Was he hanging out with them because he liked them all of a sudden? Or because he looked good compared to them? I don't know.
An alcoholic 's brain is a maze. I wouldn't bother trying to work it out. Maybe new woman isn't an upgrade at all but a down grade so he can feel better than.
you are not worse than/better than other woman. You're just different. You and your husband are on different paths. He probably doesn't understand you either!!
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Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 136
ExAH’s side chick ran his credit card up and he felt it was my fault and I should pay, this was according to the nice voice message he left me. That’s what you get for giving some random woman your card and pin # to buy you liquor.
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Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 276
Hi FC,
Cheating, drinking, cheating and drinking so more. I had all that happen in my relationship. It is a brutal blow. In retrospect no explanation of why it happened made any difference. It was something I perseverated over day in day out for YEARS. It is a brutal experience to go through and it is all energy, very difficult energy to deal with, let alone accept and let go of. Now I am a pretty co-dependent person and I could not let that energy go. It was instructional...for example when you say it was disgusting, that is an instructional piece of wisdom smouldering somewhere inside you. Maybe that feeling is telling you to run, maybe it telling you something else. Hard to say really. Kinda rambling here as I often do...I wish you well and some peace.
Cheating, drinking, cheating and drinking so more. I had all that happen in my relationship. It is a brutal blow. In retrospect no explanation of why it happened made any difference. It was something I perseverated over day in day out for YEARS. It is a brutal experience to go through and it is all energy, very difficult energy to deal with, let alone accept and let go of. Now I am a pretty co-dependent person and I could not let that energy go. It was instructional...for example when you say it was disgusting, that is an instructional piece of wisdom smouldering somewhere inside you. Maybe that feeling is telling you to run, maybe it telling you something else. Hard to say really. Kinda rambling here as I often do...I wish you well and some peace.
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Join Date: May 2022
Posts: 7
I'm not reading other responses because I don't want my thoughts swayed by them. I guess the only thing I kept thinking over and over again as I was reading that is how were there two women involved here? I could speculate about both of them and their motivations as could you but we have no control over them. Maybe he knew he was damaged and chose the less healthy woman, maybe he's trying to distance himself from you and the kids, maybe she wanted him because he was married, maybe they bond over addiction, maybe, maybe, maybe. And asking isn't an option because even if they worked on getting as self aware and healthy as they could today you're answers and burred under 5 years of peeling back layers to gain more insight and self awareness.
You have kids as motivation to be the healthiest version of yourself that you can be and give them a good example. So I would dig in on those horrible and difficult questions about yourself since you're the other woman in the situation with an equal number of questions to be asked.
I hope you find some peace, it's easy to let stuff like this eat at you but just allow the process of growing and working through this to happen. Surround yourself with quality people, ask questions and be willing to explore the things that hurt to hear.
You have kids as motivation to be the healthiest version of yourself that you can be and give them a good example. So I would dig in on those horrible and difficult questions about yourself since you're the other woman in the situation with an equal number of questions to be asked.
I hope you find some peace, it's easy to let stuff like this eat at you but just allow the process of growing and working through this to happen. Surround yourself with quality people, ask questions and be willing to explore the things that hurt to hear.
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Join Date: Apr 2022
Posts: 136
Originally Posted by dandylion
FireCricket----pursuant to my last post, to you------so, what if you DID understand your husbands's actions and his mind (which is impossible)....but, hypothetically, just say that you DID----what, specifically , would you do about it? What would it do for you?
Can you answer this question specifically?.......How would it make you feel better?
For example---would it let you feel like it wasn't your fault? Would it relieve some of your personal guilt?
Would it make you stop wondering if you were "good enough" ?
Can you elaborate on this?
Can you answer this question specifically?.......How would it make you feel better?
For example---would it let you feel like it wasn't your fault? Would it relieve some of your personal guilt?
Would it make you stop wondering if you were "good enough" ?
Can you elaborate on this?
Thank you for posing that question, it was more helpful than you might realize.
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