Jessica38

In doing the work on boundaries, self-care, and staying on my side of the street, I’m feeling so much better at home. But something interesting is happening in my extended family and I hope some of you here may have some insight to share on this situation with my younger sister (no addictions). Even though it has nothing to do with addiction, I am certain that others have opened their eyes to dysfunction after doing this work with their qualifier.

My sister is behaving aggressively towards me (putting me down to other family members, making rude comments about my lifestyle, telling our mother that she hopes Mom is not taking my advice). I distanced myself about 2 years ago and she ended up calling to apologize, and we’ve gotten our families together twice since then, but the behavior continues. She is nice to me when I see her, and she calls me every 3 months when she is upset and crying about something and needs support, but then I find out that she’s triangulating and saying hurtful things to our mother about me.

After hearing about it again last month, I told our mom to stop sharing anything my sister says about me, for my own peace. I also kept my distance and sent cards/gifts for special occasions, but didn’t engage.

Now she is texting me accusing me of not taking her calls or caring about her child’s birthday enough to call (child is 2 and calling would basically mean calling my sister).

I am seeing red flags and do not want to engage. I am checking in here because I want feedback on whether I am choosing not to engage in the chaos, or if I am being avoidant. I need mutual respect in my relationships, so it’s best for me to take some space and remove myself from the situation. I am certain that I want to remove myself from the situation, but I am not sure if I am doing the right thing by not telling her (again). She didn’t ask- she simply sent a text stating that since I am not taking her calls (she hasn’t called me at all) or calling her children, then don’t bother sending gifts.

Did anyone else go through something similar with extended family while dealing with an A spouse? I know we had a lot of dysfunction in our family of origin (abusive/aggressive father, codependent mother), but we’ve had 2 decades of getting along in our adult lives, so I’m having a hard time with guilt and self-doubt that maybe I am being too sensitive, but I know that I don’t want this in my life right now.

sage1969

It sounds as if you've done a lot of work and have some good boundaries for how you wish to be treated by others, and you seem to be doing well observing those boundaries.

Whether it is a family member or someone outside your family, you don't have to settle for manipulative behaviors. I can say that some of my family have never addressed any of the dysfunctional issues. I have a sibling who is in active addiction from whom I'm estranged; I stay out of the drama created by this person and they have not been in my home nor spent time with my children. My non - alcoholic but codependent parent has never addressed their issues and continues the enabling behaviors to this day. I choose to limit my interactions, and sadly, my children don't have those family connections.

Because we're individuals and we have free choice, we make process (or don't make progress) at a different pace than our family members. All you can do really is to continue to observe your boundaries, remain outside the drama, and be kind but firm in your actions and words.

PeacefulWater12

I am no contact with my sister for similar reasons. If you are seeing red flags and your gut instinct is telling you to step away, trust it.

I would not find the behaviours you describe acceptable either. My sister can be nice at times too but it always blows up as her inner tensions and rage build as she has not done the work to learn how to manage them in a healthy way, so she blasts them outwardly at other people.