firecricket

My 14 year old is very aware of what is going on and had told my husband she did not want to see him until he was completely sober and free from alcohol and cannabis. He had been coming to see them in the beginning every Sunday. Well on week 5 she found cannabis paraphernalia in the car and realized he wasn't actually clean and asked him to bring her and her sister home, which he did. I am very proud of her for sticking to her boundaries.

The next day he had texted and she'd told him she was mad that he'd violated her boundary. He basically said, I'm still your father and I'm still going to tell you I love you. So he did, he carried on the next 5 or 6 days sending a text saying he loved her each day. Finally, she responded and said I love you, too but... you lied to me and you violated my boundary and when I called you out on it, you did not apologize and you made excuses that don't make sense. And she said I think you should know how badly you've hurt me also that I don't like the way you're treating my mom when she's done nothing but good things for you. He never responded and has not sent her a single text message since. Nor has he tried to call her. That conversation was 4 or 5 days ago.

He has not spoken to the 7 year old now in 13 or 14 days. No attempts to contact her at all, nor has he bothered asking me how the kids are doing.

He has texted my son twice in the 6 or 7 weeks since he left, though my son does not respond and refuses to speak to him at all. He will be graduating high school in a couple of months and will not be giving a ticket to my husband. That is his choice who wants there for him so I have not said anything about that.

My 21 year old daughter does still talk to him occasionally, but said it's only because she feels bad for him. He only texts her when he has some news to share, though, she has noticed. Like, I signed the lease on my apartment today... or whatever.

The 2 older kids are from a previous marriage and my husband adopted them because he felt they deserved a present father in their lives. So that just makes it worse because it's not like he got me pregnant and was trying to do the right thing, he made a conscience decision to be their father and he hasn't live up to the promise he made them so long ago.

I just feel so bad for all of my kids right now. I am present and doing what I can to make sure they know they are loved and that I am proud of them every day. But I just hate this so much. I often feel like a failure as a mother (and a wife obviously). I might have to sell the house, which kills me because this is their home. I'm doing my best but mostly it doesn't feel like my best is good enough, though my kids never say that, they are very loving and appreciative. I just feel like I wish I could make everything better for my kids and give them the happy family they deserve.

I am struggling today. It comes in waves. I wish there was a magic wand I could wave to get to the part where we are all okay and done feeling hurt.

trailmix

I think it's really tough as I assume, although your Husband has been drinking all along, that he was present for the children, mostly, or did that start to dwindle? In my case, my Father was never really "present" (he was an alcoholic), so there was no expectation on our part that he would be participating in our lives really.

That said, I see pictures of when we were children, up to the age of say 7-8? where he was there. We would go for drives and go camping and to this park or that, I have vague memories of that. At some point that shifted and he just became the guy we didn't know who would invade the house sometimes (we lived overseas mostly and he was away most of the time).

Frankly, I don't understand the concept of having a Father present in my life. I see it with others, I see it on TV, I see it in things people write, but I don't know how that is. Is that sad? Maybe, I don't know lol

My point is - some people think that if you have an alcoholic parent that you somehow know this is dysfunctional. Well no not really when you are young. They are your Mother or Father and that is how they are and that is a big part of your family dynamic and it's just the way it is!

Alcoholism is progressive. Your Husband is progressing, he's not the same as he was 5 years ago and will be different 5 years from now. You can't rely on stability from an alcoholic.

Your children are hurt right now. As long as you keep being the great Mom you are (no, you don't have to be both parents or try extra hard), they are going to be ok. Living with an alcoholic can have an affect on children though, so it's probably important that they have counselling or at the very least attend a group like Alateen or something similar.

Your expectation of him should be very low now (ideally), they will follow suit. It's important that the children know he isn't drinking/smoking weed AT them, he's just doing it. As crazy as it sounds, it's not personal.

sage1969

I'm sorry you and your children are going through this. My father is also an alcoholic, and I grew up with him mostly absent, showing up once in a while, but more often not. I learnt to keep track of doors and ways out of rooms, with all the behaviors that I've really had to work on through my life to not pass it on to my children . . . I would say your 14 year old is really great with expressing her boundaries and not buying into anything. Alateen and AlAnon have good resources and support. I have learnt also through experience with my own children just to be honest, kind but honest, about situations. As sad as it is, absent while he is actively drinking and not sober and in recovery is probably healthier for your children than having him attempt to push in while drunk / high.

SparkleKitty

I understand your ache but you can also be very, very proud of the ones who have boundaries and maintain them. The 14-year old especially. I wish I had been a tenth as self-possessed at her age.

firecricket

He has always drank, just once in a while on the weekends - a 6 pack here and there. Gradually that got worse after about 7 years into our relationship. Then it was awful for a couple years. I did take my kids and leave at one point, for 7 months. He came back, still drinking. Eventually he quit drinking but started smoking weed. Which started the same, just a bit here and there, until it was a constant thing and I saw the same behaviors he had with alcohol (lying, sneaking, spending money we didn't have, arguments, disconnect).

He was clean from alcohol for a total of 5 years but slipped up once roughly in the middle. And started drinking again this past October, seems the weed wasn't preventing that anymore, and continues to drink and smoke weed. He left the first week of March the day before he was to start outpatient rehab, and no matter what he tells me, his friends, or the kids, the kids and I can clearly see he left because he did not want to quit smoking or drinking. And it's very hurtful. He did also admit that he did not finish the program, of course.

But yes, there were times he was a present father, a really good dad. My 14 year old has said though that recently he has just not wanted to do things with her, which of course was because he was high and just wanted to be left alone. So they also noticed the change.

14 year old is in ala-teen. All counseling is full, I think because of the pandemic, I don't know. I bought a book on Amazon for children that explains addiction and have read that to the 7 year old. She seems okay other than she is incredibly clingy now, I cannot go anywhere, even a different room in the house, unless she knows exactly where I am. I just keep telling her I am not going to leave her and I won't leave the house without talking to her first, not even to go to the store. I just try to reassure her. She has also said she does not want to see him.

I just can't wrap my head around that the fact that he can't even be bothered to ask me how the kids are doing or if they are okay. I know I would want to know.

Thank you for your insight trailmix. My own father wasn't a drinker, but he wasn't always present. Lots of missed weekends with lame excuses as to why he didn't come. I do remember good times with my father but it's the disappointment of him not showing up that really sticks with me. Even at 40 years old I get annoyed with him when he calls me out of the blue, like why do you even bother, honestly? Oh right, because of all three of your kids I am the only one that even still speaks to you at all :/

firecricket

@ SparkleKitty - I wish I could take credit for that but honestly I think it is the ala-teen meetings that got her there and keep her there. The friends she has met in those meetings, she talks to them all the time. I'm sure it helps her to know she is not the only person with an addicted/alcoholic parent

trailmix

Yes, you would want to know how they are doing because your head is on straight, unfortunately his isn't. This is not going to improve unless he decides to quit drinking and get back in to recovery, which he may or may not can't say.

It's funny what you said about your Dad, my parents divorced when we siblings were older teens. We still all stayed in touch with him, split xmas day between him and my Mom's (for a while) etc etc. It was always a chore though.

I hear what you are saying about your daughter and her boundaries (and good for her!). You know though (and this is a generalization), in situations like this, people, children, take sides. It's just the way it is. I've read often here about children that continue to support the alcoholic, sometimes even choosing to live with him/her vs the sober parent. The sober parent can come off as looking like the "bad guy". Ohhh you didn't feel sorry enough for poor old dad, ohhh he needs someone to look after him, now you won't, who will!

It goes back to that dysfunction of loyal to a fault.

Now, we were not like that and I believe the reason why is because of my Mother. She was the strong one, she was the protector, the stable center of our world. When all this was going on there was no question in our minds where our loyalty was.

Now, "picking sides" is perhaps a misnomer and gets a bad rap, however, in these types of situations, the fact that the children can see the dysfunction is a great thing. Children that tend to lean toward the alcoholic tend to not necessarily see how things were/are (just from what I have seen - again, a generalization). There can be a lot of anger directed at the sober parent.

They have this understanding and that's a great thing.

PrettyViolets

I am really sorry that you and your kids are going through this situation. I have been there in the past. I understand wanting the magic wand and wanting to make everything feel better. My husband is almost 10 years sober. Honestly, the PTSD of what I went through does not go away. The memories are still there. We can have a good day on some days. But if my husband spends too much money on something or if he is narcissistic and puts me down, then it reminds me of his alcoholism all over again. It reminds me of the failure of being that wife and mother and not having the "normal life" like I feel that everyone else had. If your husband still has an addiction, the best advice that I can give you is to give yourself and your kids a break from the addict, get to safety, and take care of yourself and your kids. This is not your battle. I think you can count the days too much. I honestly stopped counting because it was not my addiction. It was my husband's addiction. The addict has to do this himself. It is a strict boundary for the addict--not just using words to talk about his love, the addict has to show love with his actions. Honestly, I would give yourself more credit that you have not failed as a spouse or parent. You are still there. You are sober. You are showing your kids true love by doing the best you can do. The best books that I read were the Getting Them Sober books by Toby Rice Drews. Al Anon helped to just have a true voice and be honest about what I was going through.