rmusic88

Curious to hear other people's experiences. Anyone here who has a partner that actually got sober, or at least drastically cut down consumption. However because of all the BS from the past, something in your brain just switched off and you checked out of the relationship, completely lost trust?

Do you think you can get that spark back, or is it over forever?

PeacefulWater12

Thanks for asking the question.

I think it depends on what you want and how much effort and work you want to put in. Whether you think it is worth it. Also do you actually think the other person will ever become trustworthy.

I experienced that brain switch you mention with my late AH. I remember it so very clearly, as you say it was literally a switch being flicked in my brain. In that moment, I was done with him as a husband. I knew he was 100% untrustworthy so I adjusted my life to reflect that.

I never got that spark back. Ever. We continued to house share as it suited us both to do so. He was terminally ill so neither of us wanted to divorce.

So yes, I completely relate to the switch.

If I may add on, you mention him cutting down, if he is an alcoholic, this does not work. Only complete abstinence AND working hard on a recovery program works. All that is his responsibility.

By the by, my late husband did stop drinking for about 9 months one time. It was hell on earth. He wasn't working any program, just gritting his teeth and not drinking. It was awful for him and me. When he picked a drink up again, we were both hugely relieved!!

MrPL

Hi music - hard to say, I did sober up and found a broken disconnected relationship there. Hard to say which one came first (my heavy drinking or the loss of connection), but either way when the drinking stopped the connection wasn’t there anymore and we ended up divorcing 2yrs later.

What I can say is that I gave it almost 2 yrs and tried everything I could to fix it, so both of us left ready to take the next step and are happier people now.

My best wishes to you, I hope it all works out.

velma929

I think this can happen in any romantic partnership, whether alcohol was a factor in creating a problem or not. I remember a friend really conflicted about continuing to work on her marriage, and discussing whether she'd *ever* feel the way she once did. The honorable thing is to give it your best effort. If you realize you're never going to trust (or be 'in love' again, whatever that is for you) you're not doing yourself or your partner any favor by staying married.

I agree that cutting down is worthless. The addict doing that is just biding his or her time, hoping the partner/family/employer won't notice and being in denial about a drug habit. The same would go for substituting one drug for another. It isn't about anesthetizing one's self to an acceptable degree with an acceptable substance. It's about living life on life's terms.

thequest

Have family who cut down for a month or so after a dui or some hard financial times. It never lasted or brought about change which is the big thing. I'd say sobriety isn't just about no intoxicating chemicals but change because without the chemicals and more time to think rather than 'think' about that next high some will wind up doing decades of reflection which in turn will change a lot of things. The alcoholic or addict must really want to stop and/or change for themselves and not others.

velma929

My dad never went back to drinking - after his two year sentence for DUI. But he was 78 years old when he got out of jail, and his license had been permanently revoked. Mom had stuck by him through the ordeal, so I don't imagine he bugged her much about getting booze.

schnappi99

I get the honorable best effort when the marriage isn't what one would choose. My wife hasn't "come back" or even come back differently after she quit drinking getting on 10yrs ago.. that emotional and physical wall that she doesn't acknowledge or talk about and has no interest in working on is still entirely there. There have been a few attempts over the years, she quits because the work makes her cry. She drinks now occasionally- each time looking at me as if I'm the judge/jury/executioner. I always let her know its her business and I'm not counting, and I'm not.. the goal is to let her be the way she wants to be... but... damn it gets kind of lonely sometimes doing my job in the marriage. I've been reviewing a bunch about what I'm getting out of the situation; doing that honorable thing, upholding the vows and so on is good. I am grateful for the opportunity to do lots of Alanon stuff. The emotional and physical wall is a good way to reveal my own dependency on such things... all of that is good. My boundary is I won't accept the old abusive problem drinking.. and there isn't any.

But then I see some of my friends in alanon getting the divorces and getting free to pursue what they want. Its clear that is likewise a very mixed bag- that other field might look a lot greener but it has plenty of cow-poop also. We have a 16yr old daughter in the house, I want to demonstrate how to stick with an imperfect but not abusive relationship.. maybe when she's 18 I might choose differently. But sitting amid the flames is a long haul sometimes.

suki44883

Without trust, there is no relationship.

Sueby

I did the first time ExAH got sober, but there were young kids and I was younger. And to his credit, it lasted 16 years. If at some point now he were to become and sustain being sober, I wouldn’t entertain trying again. We’re separated and I am happier this way.

I don’t like the idea of his alcoholism hanging over my head, there is always the background thought that if I say or do something he will use it as an excuse to get drunk at some point. His efforts to always move the blame/guilt to me when he drinks is exhausting, as is the lying and cheating.

I don’t believe or trust him any longer.

SaveHer

My AXBF quit drinking without any real recovery efforts several times over the course of our ten-year relationship. I never stopped loving him, never lost the spark, but trust is a whole other issue. I'm the type of person that gives trust openly--it doesn't have to be earned--but once it's gone, the damage is pretty irreparable. I tried over and over again with my ex because I loved him even when I didn't trust him. This was a fool's errand.

I used to agonize about our relationship: should I stay or should I go? One thing that the wise people here told me is that when you're ready, you're ready. When it's over, you'll know. And everyone has a different timeline. It's all about what you're willing to tolerate.

dandylion

In my experience, when it is gone....it is gone......

Spiderweb

That’s a tough one. Based on my experience, it depends on how much damage has already been done. If my exAH would have quit years earlier the first or second time I seriously brought it up as a threat to our marriage, there was probably still enough love and hope in my heart to keep trying. But after 8-9 years of more drinking, hiding, blaming me, lying and broken promises there was too much pain. It had killed the love. I started thinking, Wow you’re willing to put me through this much pain and you call this love? I think if someone does enter recovery they have to know that they don’t have a lot of wiggle room for mistrust etc. and they would need to be constantly proving themselves.

Kokoro

In my own experience, I really hate to say it but when it is gone, it is gone. For me I broke relatively "early" compared with other people on here. I really did try to bring back the spark, and for the most part so did he. With the pandemic removing any possibility of us going on dates, the dramatic nature of how he relapsed and how much anguish he had already put me through, there was a mental barrier which i could not overcome in taking the next step in marrying him when he asked me a year into his sobriety. That also made it really hard for him, and I felt really bad about it all. I think even though he was a douche bag in the end, me breaking up with him was the best thing for both of us. He can get a fresh start without any of the baggage and resentment I had towards him and for me a new life as well.