Dalia97

Good evening,

I'm new here and I need to talk to someone. I'm 24. My boyfriend is almost 30. We've been dating for two years. He always likes alcohol. But now it's.... much worse...(When I met him, one beer every other day? But it's true that I didn't spend that much time with him.)

I dont know where to start. It's been around for the last couple of months. He always gets annoyed when I try to explain to him that he should do something about that. Then ignoring me for days. It's ruining our relationship. I'm still anxious about that. In December, I started telling him that he had problems. He got drunk on New Year's Eve and peed on my mattress while we slept in my apartment....

I'm an abstinent. I don't drink at all. Maybe for the New Year? We were supposed to see each other on Friday. But my mother had to go to work on a night shift, so I went home to look after my little brother (7). I wrote it to my boyfriend via WhatsApp, he was okay with it. But my phone woke me up late at night....He called me and said: "I'm pissed at you." And he kept saying it. He didn't want to come to my mums house earlier, but he kept saying it. I have a great relationship with my mom, and with my brother too. I always like to come and help her. Otherwise I live with my roommate. YET. I mean - I gave my boyfriend an ultimatum. That he has to do something about drinking alcohol. And be sober for a year. At least.

So, I went to see him the next day. And he was drunk / hangover. Next to the bed 2 bottles of wine (empty) and beer (also empty). Mess and stink everywhere. I could smell alcohol and cigarettes. I was sick to my stomach from it. Then? He kept touching me and saying he wants sex. He was breathing on me and reaching for me ...... - even though I repeated NO! His hands was everywhere. I was so angry at him for his apathy. I hate that "alcoholic smell" and dont want to be intimite with someone like that. Then he turned around.

I couldn't even explain to him how upset I was. At least I wanted to open the window ... but then when he told me I was dramatic, I left.

Even now, I'm sick of his stupid sexual bull***t like "You know you want it...I have an idea, you are a girl Iam a man, lets do it.".. - I know he was still a little drunk, but I've had enough this time. In December, he "forgot" about our date and preferred to go to Pub with a friend.

I felt alcohol everywhere ...even his pillow was smelly and all red from wine. My boyfriends lips was red too and he keeps touching me and wanted to kiss me with that horrible breath. 🤢 At that moment, I realized that he preferred alcohol over me. I'd like to help him. But .... is it worth it? No one in my family ever drank, but my friend told me this problem only get worse.

I guess He is mad at me?! Dont know why...but no phone call..Nothing. No news from Saturday. I'm anxious about that. I want to text him, but this time... I hate him. A little. That he's doing this to me.. I mean, I do care about him. But it's challenging. And that thing happened two days ago? Iam still very angry. Wanna help, but...I'm tired of it. Plus, I know he's on the phone all day. He plays games or watching something on youtube.

Is there a chance for change? Or will it really only get worse? I don't know where to look for help. Or is it better to leave? Should I tell him something? Or just...block?

Thank you very much. 🍀❤
(Sorry for the mistakes, I'm not native)

trailmix

Hi Dalia, glad you found soberrecovery, lots of support for you here.

If you really dislike being around someone who is drunk/hungover/drinking, then yes, it would be best to no longer see him, don't you think?

You can't really help him, you have told him clearly how you feel and that you would like him to be sober for at least a year (alcoholics who want to quit can never drink again by the way, once addicted that addiction never leaves and to drink means - getting back in to drinking). He is not willing to do that, so really why would you stay.

People who drink to excess or alcoholics (not sure if he is one or not but sounds like he does have a serious drinking issue) will quit when they are ready to and not before.

You have told him so now telling or asking him over and over is just hounding or nagging and it won't help and will probably just make you very unhappy when he doesn't do as you wish.

I wouldn't block him without saying anything (but that's just because I think that very cruel), but tell him you no longer wish to speak to him and perhaps wish him well?

suki44883

Welcome to SR, Dalia. I agree totally with what trailmix said about the drinking. It is true that alcoholism is progressive. It never gets better unless they stop completely. It doesn't sound like he's willing to do that.

The thing that stood out to me though, was the way he treated you when you went to see him the next day...putting his hands all over you, saying "you know you want it." That just makes my skin crawl. In my opinion, it shows a complete lack of respect. No man has a right to do or say that. The fact that he was drunk is no excuse. A man who respects a woman would never do or say those things.

Bute

Hi Dalia,
I would agree , it doesn't sound like a good match for you at all.
I couldn't tolerate that boozy/smokey breath, or the octupus hands either! And if the apartment is a smelly mess, it ain't exactly the love boat!
You're 24, with adventures ahead of you, and you don't need to put up with that.
His drinking will progress, unless he gets help to stop, and that may never happen.
Yep, wish him well, and move on. Quickly.
Much Love
Bute x

Nd819

Hi Dalia, welcome! You are so young, please don't waste years of your life with someone who clearly has a problem. You can't fix him and it doesn't sound like he wants to fix himself. I know it's difficult but spend some time reading around here and recognize how truly ugly it can get.

PeacefulWater12

Welcome. You deserve far better than this. His drinking and behaviours will get worse as time goes on.

I encourage you to move on from him, perhaps spend some time working on your own personal growth to discover why you were attracted to and stayed with a person like this.

Have a read around and it will give you insight how life with an alcoholic plays out. Also his sexual attitude is a huge red flag. Very unsafe.

velma929

However your relationship started out-

This is the man he is today. A relationship isn't reform school. YOU can't do anything but stay out of his way as he tries to stop, and he doesn't want to stop.

You say you gave him an ultimatum around New Years, but you didn't really. It's March and you're still seeing him and waiting for him to call you. Your announcement meant nothing to him because you're still involved and dating him. You can continue if you like, that's your choice. Making threats won't change him. Making threats you don't follow through on won't change him.

Hawkeye13

It will get worse and is already pretty severe it sounds like. He has made it clear alcohol is first in his life, and everything else, including you, come well after that. You deserve better.

Expect some drunk texts / calls from him in the near future.

I would end things politely but firmly and block him.

ironwill

Hi Dalia,

Sorry for what brings you here. I know you care about your boyfriend. He has shown you that he cares more about alcohol then he cares about you. You have told him how you feel about it. It is up to him to decide if he wants to change. You can tell him a 1000 times your feelings about alcohol. It wont change until he wants to change. The longer he drinks it is just going to get worse. It changes the brain and he will always be wanting that next drink. He will lie and manipulate anyone that gets in his way of his drinking.

You need to look after yourself. You know what you will accept He has not shown you any respect in the way he has treated you. You deserve someone that treats you the same way that you treat them. Keep being strong and keep coming back here for advice or just to vent.

Dalia97

Thank you very much for your response. He's been ignoring me for almost a week. So I see it as a signal to move on. I wrote him yesterday if he is okay. But he didn't even read it. Part of me still likes him, but I don't see the future in that.

Dalia97

I really care about him. But it's time to move on. A bottle of wine will always be more important to him than me. Thank you so much.

thequest

Until he really wants to change on his own for himself and not other things will remain the same. Nothing wrong with moving on at your age in particular.

Bekindalways

Dalia, you are one wise woman to be realize the above so quickly. It is super sad but it is how addiction works. Addicts will always choose their substance/alcohol over a relationship. It is the reality of addiction. Your friend was right when she/he said that alcoholics get worse. They do.

Let us know how you get on. It can be super tough to leave such a relationship.