Ali88

Hi,
I am trying to understand the process of someone working on sobriety.

I understand that you cant just stop drinking, cold turkey, if you have the physical dependency. The A partner/ex has started going to AA and therapy. He cant afford rehab, so is cutting down on his own. I read a lot its 1 day at a time, but how do you get to a point of not drinking anything sobriety. Do you set an amount for each day and slowly reduce? What happens if you have a day where you binge drink.

He has been invited to a stag do, he is saying that his friend would never forgive him if he didnt go. I am saying I dont think him going is a good idea for oblivious reasons.
I cant help but think he isn't serious about getting sober?

I am just confused, how does recovery/sobriety work and do you occasionally drink in the earlier stages because physically cant stop cold turkey.
Any advice/opinions would be appreciated.

Cityboy

Some people here have talked about tapering off. Whatever works for you I suppose. The only thing that worked for me was to put down my tumbler, bottle opener, and cuzzie once and for all and be done with it. I also had to let go of all the anxiety, fear, resentment, and other factors that were keeping me in the cycle. A shock to my system with physical symptoms, yes, but it could not have continued the way it was regardless of the withdrawals. Speaking for myself, the support I found here was crucial. Then, I couldn't fathom going more than a few days without drinking, now I can't fathom going back to that life.

Cityboy

At first, I avoided social functions that included drinking. Doesn't phase me in the slightest now, except that it just looks totally ridiculous to me to see people drinking, and I dread being around drunk people acting loud and stupid.

brighterday1234

Total abstinence from alcohol and commit 100% to living a life in recovery from alcoholism. Honesty, open-mindedness and willingness are essential in my experience.

Mummyto2

I couldn't taper because it wouldn't work for me, in the early stages of recovery i wouldn't put myself in a situation where there is alcohol (too tempting) i tried before and i spiralled out of control very quickly.

RAL

Plenty of people stop cold turkey as most of us can't taper as one drink leads to another. Some need medical supervision to do this.

Going to a stag do in early sobriety is obviously not taking sobriety seriously as what are the chances of him not drinking. Putting myself first and learning it's ok to say no to people when I turn invitations down is something many of us have had to learn.

There is nothing you can do for him. The only thing you can do it look after yourself and decided what or how much you are prepared to put up with

DriGuy

Those with a severe physical dependency taper to avoid life threatening withdrawal symptoms, but most of us aren't that far along in our alcoholism that we need it. I don't know if you ex does or not. A doctor would be in the best position to make that determination. I don't consider tapering part of recovery. Recovery begins when you quit.

Alcoholics like your ex who realize they need to quit, often begin a series of compromises in their lives and behavior, none of which include quitting or have anything to do with recovery. I think it's true for most of us. We know we need to do something, and we are willing to do a lot as long as it doesn't mean giving up alcohol. Some of us linger in that stage for years, and some never get past that.

If I read your intentions correctly, you are wondering if you ex is just going through superficial motions, playing games, or is actually serious about quitting, or looking for ways to keep drinking. No one can tell you that, and your ex may not even know he's doing it if that is what is happening.

Someone does need to set him straight about needing to quit for good, and with no monkeying around. He may figure this out on his own. None of this is rocket science. It's just hard to swallow for alcoholics who are used to centering their lives around alcohol, and some things he will be told will not be helpful. We each have to sort out what applies to our situations. But the one universal understanding is that we can never take another drink if we expect to get well.

The sooner this happens the better, because if we put it off, things will only get worse.

Ali88

Thank your for your thoughts. Really helpful.

I asked if his words of wanting to quit were in line with his actions of going to the stag do’. I have received a reply along the lines of ‘any time I mention my mates, you kick off’.

I’m guessing he is angry at me and doesn’t want to acknowledge that him going to stag do, doesn’t line up with what he is saying.

I just don’t know how to respond. I don’t want him to completely withdraw and then not even go to AA or therapy.

should I have said anything about him going to the stag weekend?

Cityboy

I find open communication about big issues, hot button topics, to be enormously difficult. People mostly just want you to make them feel better about themselves, and to provide a critique does not do that, even if it's for the purpose of being helpful. It may be accepted easier if you can put it in the form of an "it makes me feel like... when you..." type of statement.

DriGuy

I can't say. It depends on the person you are talking to. But other than that, it was an entirely reasonable comment. In general, it is understood that denial is common in the behavior of practicing alcoholics. It's not limited to alcoholics of course. Ex may believe he can go to a stag and be fine. It's common not to want to give up triggers and activities of one's alcoholic life, so we just believe it's OK until we get burned enough times, but it's one of those things most of us have to do. I outright avoided any get-together where alcohol was involved for a year until I gained enough confidence in my convictions. And then I proceeded with the utmost caution. This is usually the case with alcoholics in successful recovery. But some can do it. We never recommend it, however.

As someone said earlier, recovery is mostly up to him. Your efforts to help probably won't carry much weight, but that's not a rule. It's more like a collective understanding among alcoholics who have made it.

Mummyto2

If he is determined to go to the stag do, i think you just have to wait and see the outcome, the thing with this disease is no one can make the person stop alcohol unless that person wants to, i could stop for a week or 2 when i had upset people, but then i was back on it because i wasn't doing it because i wanted to.

Anna

Tapering is usually difficult/impossible for us alcoholics. Stopping cold turkey is easier, though there are physical withdrawal symptoms to deal with for a few days. Your partner will need to make the decision to stop drinking, if that's what he wants to do, and hopefully he will. As for the stag weekend, I know I couldn't be around alcohol at all for many months in early recovery. But, I didn't stop socializing, but chose to meet people for coffee, etc.

Free2bme888

We didn’t cause it, we can’t cure it, and we can’t change them. I hope your partner chooses life.

Prayers to you

nez

My heart goes out to you at this challenging time. I remember my early attempts at sobriety. I wanted help and support...but I didn't at the same time. My poor wife couldn't win for losing. If she asked about how things were going for me, I didn't want to talk about it. If she didn't asked about how things were going for me, i felt like I wasn't getting any support at home. Basically I didn't know what I wanted, I just wanted things on my terms, whatever my terms were...even though I didn't have a clue what my terms were. I was a lost ball in high weeds that was bound and determined to decide my own fate, even if I stayed lost. I don't know if any of this makes any sense, because it doesn't...but that is where I was.

As to whether you should have said anything about the stag weekend or not, I think you should have brought up the subject because it was rightly causing you concerns and a partnership is a two way street. My suggestion on the best way to broach the subject would have been to say something along the lines of "Have you mentioned the stag meeting at a meeting and what feedback did you get?". You will get your answer without having to appear to be telling him what to do or not do (because you are not, you are just concerned and rightly so).

SparkleKitty

Please don't torture yourself with trying to work out the "right thing" to say or do when it comes to someone else's drinking. If he is behaving in ways that do not mesh with what you value in a friendship or partnership, then you don't have much choice but to accept that this is who he is right now, and make your decisions accordingly.

SouthernSober

This comes up all the time..."friends" who would berate/ridicule/"never forgive you" for not drinking. Those aren't friends; they're self-centered sociopaths.

Anyone serious about recovering from problem drinking must, and will, find true friends that support us in doing what's best and making positive changes in our lives. Period, full stop.

"An addict's least favorite word is 'no.'" --"Clean and Sober" (1988) Worth watching, BTW.

Hodd

One thing that hit me was the comment about your partner’s friend not forgiving them if they didn’t go to a stag night. Doesn’t sound the strongest of friendships with such conditions attached. It sounds like your partner’s still drinking, so I’ll go left field and say a stag night won’t make much difference.

But to try and be more helpful , it’s a fair question. For someone who’s drunk alcohol for years, the body expects it. To stop such behaviour is literally going against instinct. That’s why withdrawal is so hard. However, the body gets used to it after a few weeks or months. The ex-drinker needs to get into the mindset of not drinking again, and that is probably the hardest part. If someone’s not sure or plans to drink now and then, work needs to be done.

Life’s way way better though once the body gets used to not drinking. The thought of a dull and predictable stag night has me nodding my head. Why bother?

RecklessDrunk

We have an allergy to alcohol and an obsession to drink it.

Once we touch alcohol a sort of allergic reaction happens. Friends used to refer to me by a different first name once I started drinking. Once that alcohol is in me I am a different person. Once I have that taste i can not control how much i drink or how i will behave.

My name is not Mike but let's say it was. Anytime Mike takes a drink he turns into Michael. So there is no way for Mike to drink 3 beers and stop because at that point he his Michael. Its hard for even Mike to realize this. You may be able to get Mike to sware on a lie detector and he will be telling the truth with all of his heart when he says he is only having a few. Michael will do the heavy drinking but with Mike's money, car keys, DNA, etc.

Even when we realize that we have an allergy its not that simple to just stop because we also have an obsession to drink. Imagine someone with a peanut allergy having an obsession to eat peanuts! That is the mess we find ourselves in.

Cunning, baffling, and powerful. Early on alcohol enabled me to socialize and get out of my own head. This magic potion had provided instant ease and comfort. It was at the root of many of the best nights in my life. It provides diminishing marginal returns. Those wonderful, memorable nights are harder and harder to come by. These nights are replaced by more frequent nights of getting out of control. Acting like a moron. Doing drugs, drunk driving, other reckless behavior. The ease and comfort of the first few drinks is so burned into our brain that we can continue to pursue it all costs. To us alcohol is almost like a pool hustler. Letting us win early and often before taking us to the cleaners. Just one more game I can beat him. We chase an impossible dream that we can one day control and enjoy our drinking.

sugarbear1

Understanding alcoholism when we aren't alcoholic is very difficult. I strongly suggest you read up on the Friends and Family Forum and learn some things from there. Focus on your recovery since alcoholism is a family disease. Codependency is often involved, too.

Start your own journey in recovery through the friends and family......you can work your 12 steps and have your own learning experience to share with others!

Scroll down from Newcomers Forum to here: Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

zoobadger

Even those who have been sober for many years would probably skip a stag party, or only partially participate. I'm 60, so past the age where I'm participating in that kind of thing, anyway; but I'd avoid anything where the main point is alcohol.

Although I will probably meet a friend in a pub to watch some of the college basketball tournament games for the opening day of March Madness. But I'll be home by 6PM and order a nice lunch with my usual soda water with a lime.

Go Badgers! by the way...