Still fresh & wounded from breakup with an Addict
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Join Date: Feb 2022
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Still fresh & wounded from breakup with an Addict
Long story (4 years worth of living)
My now ex boyfriend is an addict. He has been addicted to opiods and is now reliant on the synthetic opiod Methadone. (The government describes these clinics as medication treatment for addiction but all i see them as are legally funded replacement facilities.)
When i first met my boyfriend he was tapering off off, me being naive to Methadone accepted that my man was trying to get his life on track. He accepted that i had an incurable STD(HPV). So we begin dating year 1 was a blast. Year 2 we moved in together still a normal relationship but he stopped tapering. He explained it as, he couldnt get use to the decrease and the effect it had on his body. Me being understanding told him it was ok to stop for a set amount of time. Our sex life started going into shambles. This is relevant because when we 1st started dating i told him i wanted to build a family and he said he wanted the same. I noticed he we would go through shakes here and there. I ignored it thinking he was a weird sleeper. Year 3 covid hit and he lost his job became depressed and started abusing his methadone bottles. The clinic would usually distribute out a weeks supply to him, but when covid came they gave him a months worth to manage independently. The problem is his compulsion and he started double dipping. Which in turn caused him to be short bottles until his next visit so those shakes i noticed was him going through withdrawal. I chalked it up as a mistake on his part because of depression from the pandemic and losing his job. So i worked relentlessly trying to find him a real counselor one who was actually a former addict themselves. I specifically looked for this type of counselor because he always told me i cant understand addiction because i was never an addict.
After i found said counselor my bf was doing better got a new job. We came up with a plan that I monitor his bottles at home. I even brought a safe so he didnt have access to his bottles like he normally did. Than the 3 of us( him, me, & the counselor) decided he was ready for more responsibility after 3 months of trying. So i gave him more bottles about a weeks worth instead of everyday. I even trusted him so much i stopped counting how many i would give him. I had ultimate faith in him until last month. When i noticed the mood changes, uncaring disposition and shakes again. Something told me to count the bottles... He was short by 2 so i confronted him and he tried to lie at 1st, But then i told him i know basic math. You're down 2 bottles! He confessed said he relapsed again. I asked why life was going good and he said he uses extra doses to heighten his happiness. I have never heard of this in my life. In all honesty it's just his compulsion and the disease making weak excuses for him. Anyway i was under alot of stress with my job and then finding out about his relapse i ended up suffering with acute stress disorder. A.k.a having a mini breakdown. I quit my job because that was a nuisance and i was planning to put into action a new treatment plan with him. First we needed couples counseling with his counselor again. He agreed! But before i met with his counselor after my mental episode i spoke with one for myself. She advised me that i was in a codependency relationship with me bf. I was expecting him to move forward with our relationship but i found him constantly slipping back or sabotaging himself with the Methadone. She expressed to me to leave as i was not taking care of myself properly because my focus was on him. I didnt want to hear her because this was the man i loved the man who 40% of the time came through for me. Except when i had my breakdown or needed him to assist me with my car but he couldn't make it because he was dosing. I didn't want to give up on him because he accepted my flaw. (Just an fyi No he doesnt have what i have he got tested recently.) Maybe thats why its hard for me. Anyways we spoke to the counselor and the counselor pretty much told him he was a functioning addict who was in denial. You see my bf blind sided the counselor as well with his relapse. Because my boyfriend loved to tell fantasies of a perfect life and no issues. Which is not beneficial if you are seeking help for addiction. The counselor suggested if they continued together he would have to drug test my ex going forward or give him the option to go to a detox than rehab facility. My ex became irate at the thought of that idea he wanted to pity pat his way back to the repetitive cycle of me monitoring his bottles and him having no responsibility. I realized then he wasn't going to move forward in life. My dreams of a family and our white picket fence was now diminished because his first and only love before any other was his methadone. His family who he holds in such high regard couldnt convince him to quit. Why would little ole me matter. I decided to give him an ultimatum still holdng in to the pretense of a fantasy romance where love conquers all. So after our counseling session ended that day i told him he has two months to decide if he will enter detox or taper off like the counselor suggested or else he has to move out. He said he was going to mull it over. Me keeping hope alive and realizing its a futile effort asked him days later if he was going to continue with counseling. He pretty much stated he was going to look for a new counselor. My heart broke as i knew that to mean he wasnt going to ever change he was just looking for someone to tell him what he wanted to hear and feed false lies to them. I got irate and kicked him out! I cant deal with being let down anymore. Does anyone know when the pain and hurt of 4 years wasted will go away? We are still in contact as i kicked him out in haste and he needs the rest of his stuff from our former apartment together. I just feel like if he comes around and tries to make amends i will give in. Because he is all i ever known for 4 years. That's the true definition of codependency. Any words of advice or upliftment are warranted.
Thanking you in advance
My now ex boyfriend is an addict. He has been addicted to opiods and is now reliant on the synthetic opiod Methadone. (The government describes these clinics as medication treatment for addiction but all i see them as are legally funded replacement facilities.)
When i first met my boyfriend he was tapering off off, me being naive to Methadone accepted that my man was trying to get his life on track. He accepted that i had an incurable STD(HPV). So we begin dating year 1 was a blast. Year 2 we moved in together still a normal relationship but he stopped tapering. He explained it as, he couldnt get use to the decrease and the effect it had on his body. Me being understanding told him it was ok to stop for a set amount of time. Our sex life started going into shambles. This is relevant because when we 1st started dating i told him i wanted to build a family and he said he wanted the same. I noticed he we would go through shakes here and there. I ignored it thinking he was a weird sleeper. Year 3 covid hit and he lost his job became depressed and started abusing his methadone bottles. The clinic would usually distribute out a weeks supply to him, but when covid came they gave him a months worth to manage independently. The problem is his compulsion and he started double dipping. Which in turn caused him to be short bottles until his next visit so those shakes i noticed was him going through withdrawal. I chalked it up as a mistake on his part because of depression from the pandemic and losing his job. So i worked relentlessly trying to find him a real counselor one who was actually a former addict themselves. I specifically looked for this type of counselor because he always told me i cant understand addiction because i was never an addict.
After i found said counselor my bf was doing better got a new job. We came up with a plan that I monitor his bottles at home. I even brought a safe so he didnt have access to his bottles like he normally did. Than the 3 of us( him, me, & the counselor) decided he was ready for more responsibility after 3 months of trying. So i gave him more bottles about a weeks worth instead of everyday. I even trusted him so much i stopped counting how many i would give him. I had ultimate faith in him until last month. When i noticed the mood changes, uncaring disposition and shakes again. Something told me to count the bottles... He was short by 2 so i confronted him and he tried to lie at 1st, But then i told him i know basic math. You're down 2 bottles! He confessed said he relapsed again. I asked why life was going good and he said he uses extra doses to heighten his happiness. I have never heard of this in my life. In all honesty it's just his compulsion and the disease making weak excuses for him. Anyway i was under alot of stress with my job and then finding out about his relapse i ended up suffering with acute stress disorder. A.k.a having a mini breakdown. I quit my job because that was a nuisance and i was planning to put into action a new treatment plan with him. First we needed couples counseling with his counselor again. He agreed! But before i met with his counselor after my mental episode i spoke with one for myself. She advised me that i was in a codependency relationship with me bf. I was expecting him to move forward with our relationship but i found him constantly slipping back or sabotaging himself with the Methadone. She expressed to me to leave as i was not taking care of myself properly because my focus was on him. I didnt want to hear her because this was the man i loved the man who 40% of the time came through for me. Except when i had my breakdown or needed him to assist me with my car but he couldn't make it because he was dosing. I didn't want to give up on him because he accepted my flaw. (Just an fyi No he doesnt have what i have he got tested recently.) Maybe thats why its hard for me. Anyways we spoke to the counselor and the counselor pretty much told him he was a functioning addict who was in denial. You see my bf blind sided the counselor as well with his relapse. Because my boyfriend loved to tell fantasies of a perfect life and no issues. Which is not beneficial if you are seeking help for addiction. The counselor suggested if they continued together he would have to drug test my ex going forward or give him the option to go to a detox than rehab facility. My ex became irate at the thought of that idea he wanted to pity pat his way back to the repetitive cycle of me monitoring his bottles and him having no responsibility. I realized then he wasn't going to move forward in life. My dreams of a family and our white picket fence was now diminished because his first and only love before any other was his methadone. His family who he holds in such high regard couldnt convince him to quit. Why would little ole me matter. I decided to give him an ultimatum still holdng in to the pretense of a fantasy romance where love conquers all. So after our counseling session ended that day i told him he has two months to decide if he will enter detox or taper off like the counselor suggested or else he has to move out. He said he was going to mull it over. Me keeping hope alive and realizing its a futile effort asked him days later if he was going to continue with counseling. He pretty much stated he was going to look for a new counselor. My heart broke as i knew that to mean he wasnt going to ever change he was just looking for someone to tell him what he wanted to hear and feed false lies to them. I got irate and kicked him out! I cant deal with being let down anymore. Does anyone know when the pain and hurt of 4 years wasted will go away? We are still in contact as i kicked him out in haste and he needs the rest of his stuff from our former apartment together. I just feel like if he comes around and tries to make amends i will give in. Because he is all i ever known for 4 years. That's the true definition of codependency. Any words of advice or upliftment are warranted.
Thanking you in advance
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,590
Hi and welcome Aquagirl 
I moved your thread to our main forum, for more response…
I can’t tell you when the pain will go away but I think you’ve made the right choice - a future like this is not obviously what you want.
it will probably take a while to get over the end of a four year relationship, tho, even If it was rough going in parts.
My advice is to get all the his stuff my stuff sorted as soon as you can. If you want to move on, no contact is the only way to go.
I know it’s painful but you will find support here, both in this forum, and our Family and Friends forums too
D
I moved your thread to our main forum, for more response…
I can’t tell you when the pain will go away but I think you’ve made the right choice - a future like this is not obviously what you want.
it will probably take a while to get over the end of a four year relationship, tho, even If it was rough going in parts.
My advice is to get all the his stuff my stuff sorted as soon as you can. If you want to move on, no contact is the only way to go.
I know it’s painful but you will find support here, both in this forum, and our Family and Friends forums too
D
voices ca**y
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: St. Paul Minnesota
Posts: 4,360
I'm sorry you are hurting. The pain I experienced from an abusive relationship ended when I realized my own issues had led me to think it was OK to abuse me. I realized I didn't want to be that girl anymore.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 5,187
Addicts and alcoholics are not good choices for partners, unless you are both equally dysfunctional, in which case, you can both go down the same rabbit hole together and end up in the same place. A step up might be codependency, where one person becomes the caregiver to an emotional invalid. In both cases, neither helps each other or themselves, and no growth takes place. That one counselor you spoke of nailed your codependency, and most of us who read your OP already spotted it before you got to that part of your story.
Codependency can feel deceptively comfortable because you feel you are working toward improving something, but you are not. Instead, both partners feed on the other's vulnerability. I think the best solution is to start looking out for your own best interests. This may feel selfish, but it's not, and many prospective partners appreciate that in their mates.
Codependency can feel deceptively comfortable because you feel you are working toward improving something, but you are not. Instead, both partners feed on the other's vulnerability. I think the best solution is to start looking out for your own best interests. This may feel selfish, but it's not, and many prospective partners appreciate that in their mates.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2019
Posts: 2,426
I'm sorry Aquagirl. I think you need to keep getting some separation from the situation and keep putting more and more distance in there. I wouldn't let him back into your life until you've seen a solid year of recovery. You've been with an addict now for 4 years so trust yourself. You'll know if he is clean or not.
I was your boyfriend in my marriage. I ruined the life of the mother of my two kids and did irreparable damage to her, my kids and so many others. All in the name of continuing to drink. And it wasn't 4 years I took from her. It was 20+ and 10 more years getting away from me, getting the mud and dirt scraped off the kids, and healing up.
Please don't put yourself in that position. The loss you have suffered thus far is very profound, but it can go on for years and years more and involve children. Don't do that to yourself.
Please be safe and take care of yourself. You deserve peace, calm and quiet and a family of your own. But right now he will give you none of that.
I was your boyfriend in my marriage. I ruined the life of the mother of my two kids and did irreparable damage to her, my kids and so many others. All in the name of continuing to drink. And it wasn't 4 years I took from her. It was 20+ and 10 more years getting away from me, getting the mud and dirt scraped off the kids, and healing up.
Please don't put yourself in that position. The loss you have suffered thus far is very profound, but it can go on for years and years more and involve children. Don't do that to yourself.
Please be safe and take care of yourself. You deserve peace, calm and quiet and a family of your own. But right now he will give you none of that.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,589
I'm sorry for the pain you're feeling, but it's good that you recognize that you are codependent. I hope that you will focus on yourself and your needs and, I hope that the pain you are feeling will ease with time.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,455
I agree with Surrendered—you have suffered terribly, but putting innocent children in the situation is something you absolutely do not want to do. It will damage them for life, and you as well. You best bet is to not give in and move on with your life. 4 years is some time, but it is a lot less than the 20 plus S shared above. If your BF isn’t ready to quit, and only doing it to get back in the door with you, it is doomed anyway.
If he is serious about quitting, tell him to seek recovery and to contact you after 1 year of continued recovery to see where both of you are if you feel you cannot just walk away at this point. The quickest way to see if someone is truly in recovery is to say “no” to something they want but isn’t what you want or in your best interest.
You were wise for both of you to kick him out. He would be unlikely to seek recovery if you enable him by being responsible for your joint lives and his medication. This way he has the chance to step up and seek recovery on his own—that is a form of respect from you even though it hurts.
Be strong, get his stuff out next weekend and have one or more of your friends there while he is in the apt to support you and to block the plea to come back, and afterwords change the locks. Not kidding—this is for your own safety and never assume he has returned the only key. People do strange things under the influence and when they have been denied what they want. Be safe and it will get better with some time.
If he is serious about quitting, tell him to seek recovery and to contact you after 1 year of continued recovery to see where both of you are if you feel you cannot just walk away at this point. The quickest way to see if someone is truly in recovery is to say “no” to something they want but isn’t what you want or in your best interest.
You were wise for both of you to kick him out. He would be unlikely to seek recovery if you enable him by being responsible for your joint lives and his medication. This way he has the chance to step up and seek recovery on his own—that is a form of respect from you even though it hurts.
Be strong, get his stuff out next weekend and have one or more of your friends there while he is in the apt to support you and to block the plea to come back, and afterwords change the locks. Not kidding—this is for your own safety and never assume he has returned the only key. People do strange things under the influence and when they have been denied what they want. Be safe and it will get better with some time.
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