Sobriety, recovery and hunches
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Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,025
Sobriety, recovery and hunches
It’s about day 80 here and I think I managed to organise some ideas that have been floating in my head for a while.
For context, I started my recovery process back in 2010, when after 10 years of regular use jumping from substance to substance, I decided to quit drugs (at that point it was coke and I didn’t think alcohol was a problem, but stopped drinking temporarily too).
My life then was looking ok on the outside, good job, young family, all in all responsible and reliable, apart from the addiction.
So I was very surprised to find a giant feeling of emptiness once the drugs came out of the picture. It was impossible to avoid until I started drinking again a few months later.
This is an important point for me: alcohol gave me the impression everything was ok.
5 years and 2 kids later alcohol had gradually become a BIG problem, and when I finally decided to quit I found the same emptiness from 5 years before. If anything it was even bigger.
This is where my “actual recovery” really began - filling the emptiness became my obsession and since then I followed every hunch I had. I tried languages, cooking, drawing, studying, spirituality, all sorts of sports, learned new instruments, got divorced (not on a hunch!), met someone else, changed my friends, you name it.
I ended up not sticking to the vast majority of those, but the ones that stayed in my life helped me reshape myself into who I’m really meant to be. I don’t think that process will ever end, but the emptiness is long gone.
So how come drinking started taking over again last year?
Now I see it - I wasn’t drinking or taking drugs to avoid the emptiness. Drinking found a way to get in when I was empty, just as it found a way when I was happy, and I know if I let it stay it will start screwing up my recovery. The addiction does what it needs to survive.
I guess my main point here is that being sober will lead you to see your life for real, and you may not like what you find there, but drinking again won’t help, that will only mask your problems.
Instead, I think the way forward is to take one small step at a time, try things out and, little by little, go from sober to recovered.
It’s surely working for me, and it will remain working as long as I stay sober.
For context, I started my recovery process back in 2010, when after 10 years of regular use jumping from substance to substance, I decided to quit drugs (at that point it was coke and I didn’t think alcohol was a problem, but stopped drinking temporarily too).
My life then was looking ok on the outside, good job, young family, all in all responsible and reliable, apart from the addiction.
So I was very surprised to find a giant feeling of emptiness once the drugs came out of the picture. It was impossible to avoid until I started drinking again a few months later.
This is an important point for me: alcohol gave me the impression everything was ok.
5 years and 2 kids later alcohol had gradually become a BIG problem, and when I finally decided to quit I found the same emptiness from 5 years before. If anything it was even bigger.
This is where my “actual recovery” really began - filling the emptiness became my obsession and since then I followed every hunch I had. I tried languages, cooking, drawing, studying, spirituality, all sorts of sports, learned new instruments, got divorced (not on a hunch!), met someone else, changed my friends, you name it.
I ended up not sticking to the vast majority of those, but the ones that stayed in my life helped me reshape myself into who I’m really meant to be. I don’t think that process will ever end, but the emptiness is long gone.
So how come drinking started taking over again last year?
Now I see it - I wasn’t drinking or taking drugs to avoid the emptiness. Drinking found a way to get in when I was empty, just as it found a way when I was happy, and I know if I let it stay it will start screwing up my recovery. The addiction does what it needs to survive.
I guess my main point here is that being sober will lead you to see your life for real, and you may not like what you find there, but drinking again won’t help, that will only mask your problems.
Instead, I think the way forward is to take one small step at a time, try things out and, little by little, go from sober to recovered.
It’s surely working for me, and it will remain working as long as I stay sober.
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 3,748
WOW! Yes, to all of the above.
When I quit drinking 16 months ago I was very nervous that the empty feeling, voided out feeling, would come back in and take over. I had relapsed twice after close to a year of sobriety each time due to feelings of emptiness and all the emotions that come up. I had not yet learned how to walk through the mud and ugliness of myself. I had not learned how to chop wood and carry water. Like, really chop wood and carry water. For days on end and months on end. Just seeing it through.
This go round I decided, no matter what, I was going to walk through all that internal mess and not drink. If I had to lock myself in a room and stay there for the rest of my life then I was going to do that. The first year was really hard for me. I had too much anxiety, ruminations, and I felt like I was going a bit off the deep end. I probably did go off the deep end a few times. My brain is truly overly complex. I wish it was not that way but I am who I am.
It has all gotten so much better. There is happiness. There is gratitude. There is something to be said about waking each day with hope, determination and continuing to chop wood and carry water. We can do really hard things!
Im so proud of you and what you are doing for yourself and your family. I like the way you think! You and I are in recovery and it is AWESOME! Keep on moving forward!
When I quit drinking 16 months ago I was very nervous that the empty feeling, voided out feeling, would come back in and take over. I had relapsed twice after close to a year of sobriety each time due to feelings of emptiness and all the emotions that come up. I had not yet learned how to walk through the mud and ugliness of myself. I had not learned how to chop wood and carry water. Like, really chop wood and carry water. For days on end and months on end. Just seeing it through.
This go round I decided, no matter what, I was going to walk through all that internal mess and not drink. If I had to lock myself in a room and stay there for the rest of my life then I was going to do that. The first year was really hard for me. I had too much anxiety, ruminations, and I felt like I was going a bit off the deep end. I probably did go off the deep end a few times. My brain is truly overly complex. I wish it was not that way but I am who I am.
It has all gotten so much better. There is happiness. There is gratitude. There is something to be said about waking each day with hope, determination and continuing to chop wood and carry water. We can do really hard things!
Im so proud of you and what you are doing for yourself and your family. I like the way you think! You and I are in recovery and it is AWESOME! Keep on moving forward!
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Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 5,187
I'm guessing this is what people are talking about when they say, "You have to do more than just quit." Much of the "more" comes naturally, probably more naturally for some than others, and as you discovered, it doesn't have to happen all at once. It's all a learning process, and you have to sort through the tips from others and the ideas of your own to find out what actually works for you. Beyond our addiction, we are all different and need different things to fill the emptiness, or smooth out our lives, or to find whatever it is that will bring us joy and make life meaningful to us.
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Join Date: Aug 2020
Location: Texas
Posts: 110
Originally Posted by MrPL 
I guess my main point here is that being sober will lead you to see your life for real, and you may not like what you find there, but drinking again won’t help, that will only mask your problems.
Instead, I think the way forward is to take one small step at a time, try things out and, little by little, go from sober to recovered.
Instead, I think the way forward is to take one small step at a time, try things out and, little by little, go from sober to recovered.
Every time I stopped drinking and started to dry out I would glimpse more of my 'real life' but I never liked what I saw. So I returned to my usual practice of smothering everything with alcohol.
This time around I'm realizing life is a kaleidoscope of experiences and there's no need to take any of it all that seriously - be it emptiness, happiness, sadness, hobbies, work, etc. Each experience is merely an opportunity to grow a little bit more. Successes, failures, triumphs and disasters all serve a purpose.
Through it all, my only 'job' is to keep an open mind and keep the things that are working and discard the things that aren't. And know that the things that are working today may be broken tomorrow and vice versa.
Life is a journey of self-discovery and comes with all manner of highs and lows. Alcohol, though, stops me from being an active participant in my own life. That should be a crime.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 2,413
I drank because I’m an alcoholic. Living a spiritual life and trying to be my best self every day keeps me feeling wholesome and thus relatively happy most of the time. This eliminates any need to alter my mind with chemicals 🙏
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