LovelyKaya33333

Hi everyone... My positive nature seems to be fading today. I went on a trip to go visit a male friend of mine and it went horrible. I don't want to go into the details but I ended up feeling put in a position ( well several ) that I wasn't comfortable with. I ended up getting a hotel room and a trip that I expected to just pay for my plane flight and he was going to take care of the rest I am now out $1200 in hotel fees and plane tickets ect. This was a trip that he asked me to go on. Meanwhile my exAH still texts from time to time. Mostly about the divorce stuff... Yesterday he text me basically saying that there was no way ever that we would get back together....he went into "We tried that bubba"... and went into "it just doesn't work".... While I have/had NO intention on EVER dating him or getting back together with him I will say he has been sending me pictures of us... slideshows of our life... ect... The other day he had texted me about how he misses cuddling me and scratching my back....ect ect ect....basically things a girl would swoon to hear (if I was wanting to get back together with him) but since I am not I wasn't swooning but I have to admit it felt good to hear those things because of how aburptly he left our marriage. But yesterday he was like "I told you it was over, when I left you 7 months ago I was clear".... WTF! Then why is he sending me all these cuddly messages ect... why is he sending me videos if all of our memories.... he just said because he thought they were "cute"!!!!..... I am very clear in not wanting to be with him so my heart isn't hurt right now because I thought we would ever reconcile... but all the sweet things he has been saying and then pulling the rug out from under me by making sound like I was the one begging... I can't place my finger on it yet on why I am so bothered... well hurt, anxious... Cause it is not for the reasons of wanting him... I just think it is cause the merry go round of thinking our marriage meant something and my ego felt better thinking that I meant something to him and by everything he said I thought he was hurting about losing me... He literally just said the other day that "I will go down in the history of his life as his biggest heartbreak and that he will always regret failing our relationship"..... so to go from that to "Ummmm Kaya, I don't know what gave you the impression that I would ever want to be with you, it is over".... I am still processing it all... but this time I blocked him on everything.... I wasn't blocking him before because we still had a few logistics to discuss and I thought at some level he was missing me and it felt good to hear after the way he discarded me all those years... BUT he was just telling me all those things ...all those sweet things to keep me in the loop and in his grasp... To think part of the reason I hadn't blocked him on my computer was because I didn't want to hurt him.... shaking my head at myself... he is literally blocked on every last thing.... Before I blocked him I went off on him ... let him know he was clearly ******* with me... and his response was "Guess it is Bad Dan again".... usually I say No no no and explain myself nicely.... yesterday I just wrote..." you know what...it is Bad Dan"... you have been reaching out to the woman you left with videos and sweet things... the woman you were married to...the womans who heart you broke and sending her videos and pictures of your memories with her ( the her being me) and you meant nothing by it.... That is bad...That is really ******.... and he tried to play the poor me thing... I am just grossed out by myself, by him, by thinking at some level this all could have ended cordial but then again he is still drinking. He never got sober and is not in any recovery program... or therapy... so what the heck was I actually thinking .... I just need lots of prayers today... somehow I feel really anxious and I also am trying to look at this messed up trip as in a different way... during this trip I learned that I will not feel guilty in going No contact and I am without a shadow of a doubt ok with it.... no matter how lonely he says he is....So maybe the $1,200 I spent being out here is worth its weight in gold.... I just want that thought to flood in more and see that this messed up "Vacation" was maybe what I needed to get to a place of making the choice to go 100% no contact without guilt... Thank you all for listening... please please pray for peace for me today... right now I am up in the middle of the night anxious....

Triggered

Hi Kaya,

It seems like this is all still very raw with you and while that is the case you will be in a vulnerable condition. Just ripe in fact, for an alcoholic to play his little game of push me pull you. It's my guess that he is just power shifting since he knows full well that it wont work out between you. When an addict is all out of options all he has left is his ego. It's also my guess that he's exercising that ego to create the illusion that he is in charge of the situation. He isnt even in charge of himself. It's a cruel thing that he's doing but sometimes that's all addicts have left.

It's just my opinion but I reckon you should give yourself a little more time to process all that's happened. Chat it out, post it out, find others points of view...especially on here. Theres no harm in taking a break away but I would wait a little longer to get involved on a deeper level. The loss of money is unfortunate but not entirely unexpected.

Healing hugs to you

LovelyKaya33333

Thank you Triggered. This makes a lot of sense. It’s so strange cause the feelings I have about it all are not something I am used to. I am used to the feeling of frustration and hurt and of course when he first left my life feeling flipped upside down. But with this I don’t feel like that. With this I just feel kinda grossed out. Grossed out that he didn’t see a problem with sending me slideshows of us from our whole marriage. I am talking in total like 30 pictures in the course of 3 weeks just to turn around and say “I made it clear I didn’t want to be with you” it’s a dumbfounded feeling I guess. But just another reminder how screwed up an active alcoholics brain is

LovelyKaya33333

Thank you Triggered. This makes a lot of sense. It’s so strange cause the feelings I have about it all are not something I am used to. I am used to the feeling of frustration and hurt and of course when he first left my life feeling flipped upside down. But with this I don’t feel like that. With this I just feel kinda grossed out. Grossed out that he didn’t see a problem with sending me slideshows of us from our whole marriage. I am talking in total like 30 pictures in the course of 3 weeks just to turn around and say “I made it clear I didn’t want to be with you” it’s a dumbfounded feeling I guess. But just another reminder how screwed up an active alcoholics brain is

LovelyKaya33333

It doesn’t feel raw as much … I feel like I have worked my booty off through a lot of this. It’s not like a raw pain as much as it was a trigger and holds confusion.

velma929

Well, that stinks. Sorry your vacation was messed up and you and male friend were not on the same page.

As for soon-to-be-ex...Very clear he's still drinking like a fish, if he's going back and forth between sweet memories and disdain.

Bekindalways

Yes the alcoholic brain is just messed up. You may have heard the term "quacking". It is often advised to think of what an alcoholic says as just a duck quacking. Don't expect it to make sense. This is just what they do. Trying to be in a relationship with an addict is, in my mind, like trying to waltz with someone having a seizure; it is silly, a waste of time and makes the problem worse. Kudos to you for blocking him.

Kaya, as much as you want to be done and healed from this relationship, you probably are still raw. It takes time to get over the trauma you have been through and even more time to look at what it was in yourself that caused you to choose to be with such a messed up person as your alcoholic ex. It takes a certain level of humility to look at the crap of your own psyche. You sound like you have done some amazing work in your life and on yourself so I would think you would find it uber discouraging to have another round of self-work. Unfortunately you almost certainly do.

Have a big huge hug. That kind of text interchange can so mess with your head and emotions.

Triggered

I hear you. I'm not so much talking about the rawness of the breakdown of the relationship. It's more about the aftermath and the attack on your own sensibilities. He knows what buttons to press, that much is clear. But like I say, he's moved past the reconciliation stage and his ego is musciling for control and self aggrandizing ********...like I said, it's all he has left. Don't engage...there are no winners. Of course youre hurt at the tactics he's employing, that's understandable. But don't get drawn in to it. He's given you a glimpse of just how nasty he and his ego can get.

Triggered

yep....like you said...beware of the 'poor me's' too

sage1969

I'm sorry you went through all this. It sounds like more of the typical push - pull. I think full on no contact is best from here on out, because he keeps demonstrating what he'll do if you continue to allow it.

It's unfortunate your vacation didn't work out, either. What good did come from it was that you were able to identify what you did and didn't want, and you'd put in place a safety net to pay your own way when you felt you needed to. An expensive learning experience, but I know you've been analysing what went wrong, and you'll recognise those particular red flags going forward.

Perhaps cherish yourself for a few days? You got through both these things in one piece, in much better shape than you would have 6 months ago. So you've done well, and have earned some rest.

trailmix

Ugh, well I'm sorry about your trip and your ex treating you that way.

One thing, as I'm reading your post, your ex sends you all this - biggest mistake of my life - crap (or not, who knows!) and then does an about face, but what was your reaction to his trip down memory lane? As he was sending this stuff?

dandylion

Kaya......a pearl of wisdom that is often seen on this forum-----"Never look to the one that hurt you to be the one to heal you".

another pearl in a similar vein----"Don't go to the ;hardware store for fresh baked bread".

Triggered

Im guessing at this point there's nothing that he wont do or say to destabilise your thinking. His aim seems to be to surprise you, catch you off guard, confuse and infuriate you. Don't engage..it's just a power grab.... it's pathetic really.