needing a big hug
Hi everyone... My positive nature seems to be fading today. I went on a trip to go visit a male friend of mine and it went horrible. I don't want to go into the details but I ended up feeling put in a position ( well several ) that I wasn't comfortable with. I ended up getting a hotel room and a trip that I expected to just pay for my plane flight and he was going to take care of the rest I am now out $1200 in hotel fees and plane tickets ect. This was a trip that he asked me to go on. Meanwhile my exAH still texts from time to time. Mostly about the divorce stuff... Yesterday he text me basically saying that there was no way ever that we would get back together....he went into "We tried that bubba"... and went into "it just doesn't work".... While I have/had NO intention on EVER dating him or getting back together with him I will say he has been sending me pictures of us... slideshows of our life... ect... The other day he had texted me about how he misses cuddling me and scratching my back....ect ect ect....basically things a girl would swoon to hear (if I was wanting to get back together with him) but since I am not I wasn't swooning but I have to admit it felt good to hear those things because of how aburptly he left our marriage. But yesterday he was like "I told you it was over, when I left you 7 months ago I was clear".... WTF! Then why is he sending me all these cuddly messages ect... why is he sending me videos if all of our memories.... he just said because he thought they were "cute"!!!!..... I am very clear in not wanting to be with him so my heart isn't hurt right now because I thought we would ever reconcile... but all the sweet things he has been saying and then pulling the rug out from under me by making sound like I was the one begging... I can't place my finger on it yet on why I am so bothered... well hurt, anxious... Cause it is not for the reasons of wanting him... I just think it is cause the merry go round of thinking our marriage meant something and my ego felt better thinking that I meant something to him and by everything he said I thought he was hurting about losing me... He literally just said the other day that "I will go down in the history of his life as his biggest heartbreak and that he will always regret failing our relationship"..... so to go from that to "Ummmm Kaya, I don't know what gave you the impression that I would ever want to be with you, it is over".... I am still processing it all... but this time I blocked him on everything.... I wasn't blocking him before because we still had a few logistics to discuss and I thought at some level he was missing me and it felt good to hear after the way he discarded me all those years... BUT he was just telling me all those things ...all those sweet things to keep me in the loop and in his grasp... To think part of the reason I hadn't blocked him on my computer was because I didn't want to hurt him.... shaking my head at myself... he is literally blocked on every last thing.... Before I blocked him I went off on him ... let him know he was clearly ******* with me... and his response was "Guess it is Bad Dan again".... usually I say No no no and explain myself nicely.... yesterday I just wrote..." you know what...it is Bad Dan"... you have been reaching out to the woman you left with videos and sweet things... the woman you were married to...the womans who heart you broke and sending her videos and pictures of your memories with her ( the her being me) and you meant nothing by it.... That is bad...That is really ******.... and he tried to play the poor me thing... I am just grossed out by myself, by him, by thinking at some level this all could have ended cordial but then again he is still drinking. He never got sober and is not in any recovery program... or therapy... so what the heck was I actually thinking .... I just need lots of prayers today... somehow I feel really anxious and I also am trying to look at this messed up trip as in a different way... during this trip I learned that I will not feel guilty in going No contact and I am without a shadow of a doubt ok with it.... no matter how lonely he says he is....So maybe the $1,200 I spent being out here is worth its weight in gold.... I just want that thought to flood in more and see that this messed up "Vacation" was maybe what I needed to get to a place of making the choice to go 100% no contact without guilt... Thank you all for listening... please please pray for peace for me today... right now I am up in the middle of the night anxious....