Loved one (she) in Rehab for 7 months, acting distant... what should I do?
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Join Date: Jan 2022
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Loved one (she) in Rehab for 7 months, acting distant... what should I do?
Good evening. I need some answers or advices from anybody who's got experience in this one. Please, keep in mind my English might be bad.
So I met this girl last year (2021) and she was an Alcholic abuser (but not a real alcholic). Her parents kicked her off from home for almost 2 years, they wanted for her to get a rehab treatement, she never listened, until she met me and she fell in love very very deep with me. We stayed together for 6 months, but a lot of bad stuff was happening so I never wanted to stay with her, because of her alchol and bad behavior that happened a lot. So she felt rejected by me, and I told her to go to rehab so she could again go home with her parents and maybe we could stay together if she got the treatement.
Everything ok so far. I got her to rehab. Parents are happy and they also knew me, they thanked me a lot for convincing her to take the rehab and they appreciate me a lot.
Most of her problems were related to her EX bf (which the parents didn't want her to stay with him) and also alchol abuse.
We get our first call after 1st month of rehab. She's in fear of losing me, so she asks what I do, if I go out with who etc. I promised her I'll wait for her after she comes out so we can stay offically together.
Fast forward 3 months, she trusts me, because I now know her parents, and the parents also trust me because I am a good person (I think so..) and I helped her daugther. They also want me to stay with her.
After 4-5 months, I kinda feel her distant about us... strange, I tell to myself. Maybe nothing to worry. We had our first meeting with her and her counsel 6 months in and everything was fine. Counsel and rehab gained trust in me, I always sent her care packages , called her etc. Everything... "ok".
7 months in: she is very very distant. She come back home just for a weekend (rehab just gave her some days) and she invited me to her home with her parents and we talked. She acted normal but not like we were together..
When I call her it feels like she does me a favour now, also she doens't care anymore if I go to meet her in rehab plus I hear her very very distant. Last week we had an argument over phone, she hang up... and I didn't call her since december.
It feels like she doesn't give a **** anymore about me
What should I do? What do you think it is??
So I met this girl last year (2021) and she was an Alcholic abuser (but not a real alcholic). Her parents kicked her off from home for almost 2 years, they wanted for her to get a rehab treatement, she never listened, until she met me and she fell in love very very deep with me. We stayed together for 6 months, but a lot of bad stuff was happening so I never wanted to stay with her, because of her alchol and bad behavior that happened a lot. So she felt rejected by me, and I told her to go to rehab so she could again go home with her parents and maybe we could stay together if she got the treatement.
Everything ok so far. I got her to rehab. Parents are happy and they also knew me, they thanked me a lot for convincing her to take the rehab and they appreciate me a lot.
Most of her problems were related to her EX bf (which the parents didn't want her to stay with him) and also alchol abuse.
We get our first call after 1st month of rehab. She's in fear of losing me, so she asks what I do, if I go out with who etc. I promised her I'll wait for her after she comes out so we can stay offically together.
Fast forward 3 months, she trusts me, because I now know her parents, and the parents also trust me because I am a good person (I think so..) and I helped her daugther. They also want me to stay with her.
After 4-5 months, I kinda feel her distant about us... strange, I tell to myself. Maybe nothing to worry. We had our first meeting with her and her counsel 6 months in and everything was fine. Counsel and rehab gained trust in me, I always sent her care packages , called her etc. Everything... "ok".
7 months in: she is very very distant. She come back home just for a weekend (rehab just gave her some days) and she invited me to her home with her parents and we talked. She acted normal but not like we were together..
When I call her it feels like she does me a favour now, also she doens't care anymore if I go to meet her in rehab plus I hear her very very distant. Last week we had an argument over phone, she hang up... and I didn't call her since december.
It feels like she doesn't give a **** anymore about me
What should I do? What do you think it is??
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,650
hi embrace. That's a tough one. Have your broached the subject with her at all? I mean as in actually coming out and asking why she is being so distant?
She could be trying to adjust to being a sober person, she may have felt "forced" in to rehab and is unhappy about that, she may have met someone in rehab, she may just feel different now because you two have basically been apart for months.
Do you have a gut feeling about this at all?
Personally, I would talk to her, tell her what you are experiencing and ask her what's going on.
She could be trying to adjust to being a sober person, she may have felt "forced" in to rehab and is unhappy about that, she may have met someone in rehab, she may just feel different now because you two have basically been apart for months.
Do you have a gut feeling about this at all?
Personally, I would talk to her, tell her what you are experiencing and ask her what's going on.
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Baltimore, MD
Posts: 232
Please...just let her go. For your own sake.
She's someone who is not on a wavelength that'll ever result in a healthy relationship, and it may not be entirely contingent on her addiction. But that's something you won't want to wait around to find out. Too much of 'you' will be used up and spent with nothing worthwhile coming back. By staying in this situation, YOU will be the one changing, and not for the better.
Chances are you're a 'codie' like most of us here, and being there for someone 'in need' makes us feel validated.
Take it from someone who is ending their 20 year marriage to an alcoholic that chose her path and drug over me and our kids way too many times.
And don't be too concerned about upsetting her parents(I know this is somewhere on your radar because you included in your post, but also knowing it from first hand experience. It feels good to be needed, but MAN, at such a price...). They were so tickled by you caring for their addicted child, and the cost to you isn't their primary, secondary, whatever, concern. She's still their flesh and blood, and that won't ever change, especially when harder times comes.
Again, I've lived it first hand. (You marry the family when you marry the spouse, and you also divorce them should that time come as well...).
I pray you find the wherewithal to let her go. It seems like she has done that to you, and that may just have been the best thing to happen to you about this situation...
She's someone who is not on a wavelength that'll ever result in a healthy relationship, and it may not be entirely contingent on her addiction. But that's something you won't want to wait around to find out. Too much of 'you' will be used up and spent with nothing worthwhile coming back. By staying in this situation, YOU will be the one changing, and not for the better.
Chances are you're a 'codie' like most of us here, and being there for someone 'in need' makes us feel validated.
Take it from someone who is ending their 20 year marriage to an alcoholic that chose her path and drug over me and our kids way too many times.
And don't be too concerned about upsetting her parents(I know this is somewhere on your radar because you included in your post, but also knowing it from first hand experience. It feels good to be needed, but MAN, at such a price...). They were so tickled by you caring for their addicted child, and the cost to you isn't their primary, secondary, whatever, concern. She's still their flesh and blood, and that won't ever change, especially when harder times comes.
Again, I've lived it first hand. (You marry the family when you marry the spouse, and you also divorce them should that time come as well...).
I pray you find the wherewithal to let her go. It seems like she has done that to you, and that may just have been the best thing to happen to you about this situation...
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Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: uk
Posts: 2,428
Sorry you have this in your life.
You ask what you should do.
In my opinion, you would be best served putting focus on yourself and investigating why you were attracted a person like this. Why you feel it is your job to get her into rehab. Why you need such chaos in your life? Is it familiar and comfortable to you?
Perhaps look at the family dynamics you grew up in as a starting point. There are the most amazing resources online now that you could use. Investigate trauma bonds, codependency.
As far as the woman, leave her to do what she is going to do. Alcoholics do what they do and that is up to them. They are allowed to drink.
For you, it is just a question of whether you get dragged down with her.
Perhaps work on yourself before you consider another relationship. If you don't work on yourself,chances are you will be attracted to another person with similar traits.
I say all of this based on my personal experience. Please put yourself and your well being first.
I hope this helps and gives you some hope.
You ask what you should do.
In my opinion, you would be best served putting focus on yourself and investigating why you were attracted a person like this. Why you feel it is your job to get her into rehab. Why you need such chaos in your life? Is it familiar and comfortable to you?
Perhaps look at the family dynamics you grew up in as a starting point. There are the most amazing resources online now that you could use. Investigate trauma bonds, codependency.
As far as the woman, leave her to do what she is going to do. Alcoholics do what they do and that is up to them. They are allowed to drink.
For you, it is just a question of whether you get dragged down with her.
Perhaps work on yourself before you consider another relationship. If you don't work on yourself,chances are you will be attracted to another person with similar traits.
I say all of this based on my personal experience. Please put yourself and your well being first.
I hope this helps and gives you some hope.
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,548
It sounds like you have minimized her drinking by a lot. She's been in rehab seven months, no where near getting out it sounds like, and you're saying she's not really an alcoholic. Seven months in rehab sounds like a pretty real problem to me.
As a woman can I toss this in? Women still grow up in societies where their worth is judged by the man she's with. Even when we know intellectually that's foolish, getting past that in your own heart is hard. It's really healthy for women to know who they are and what their strengths are, separate from their identities as a daughter, girlfriend, wife. Maybe your friend is getting some insights through counseling around that issue?
Third, and I may be wrong, but if you met last year and she's been in rehab for seven months, you've been apart longer than you were together. Even under ideal circumstances, maintaining a long distance relationship is hard. She's struggling with addiction. She should be giving that all her attention right now. Her life is at stake.
As a woman can I toss this in? Women still grow up in societies where their worth is judged by the man she's with. Even when we know intellectually that's foolish, getting past that in your own heart is hard. It's really healthy for women to know who they are and what their strengths are, separate from their identities as a daughter, girlfriend, wife. Maybe your friend is getting some insights through counseling around that issue?
Third, and I may be wrong, but if you met last year and she's been in rehab for seven months, you've been apart longer than you were together. Even under ideal circumstances, maintaining a long distance relationship is hard. She's struggling with addiction. She should be giving that all her attention right now. Her life is at stake.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
This person is absolutely a "real" alcoholic. Not that the label matters. What matters is how she has treated you and whether that is what you want in your life or not.
A person letting go of alcohol for the first time is going to change a lot. Her primary coping mechanism is gone. It is not reasonable to expect the same person who walked into rehab to be the same one who walks out. If she is serious about recovery, then this is actually the outcome she should want.
A person letting go of alcohol for the first time is going to change a lot. Her primary coping mechanism is gone. It is not reasonable to expect the same person who walked into rehab to be the same one who walks out. If she is serious about recovery, then this is actually the outcome she should want.
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